MY EQ SCORES Thank you for completing the Emotional Intelligence Appraisal®. You are now in a customized learning program that is based upon your emotional intelligence scores. This program will teach you about emotional intelligence (EQ), reveal what your current skill levels are, and tell you what you can do to improve. WHAT DOES EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE LOOK LIKE? The four parts of the emotional intelligence model are based upon a connection between what you see and what you do with yourself and others. © WHAT THE SCORES MEAN Scores on the Emotional Intelligence Appraisal® come from a "normed" sample. That means your scores are based on a comparison to the general population. Read the following descriptions to better understand what your scores mean about your current skill level. Score Meaning 90-100 A STRENGTH TO CAPITALIZE ON These scores are much higher than average and indicate a noteworthy strength. These strengths probably come naturally to you or exist because you have worked hard to develop them. Seize every opportunity to use these emotionally intelligent behaviors to maximize your success. You are highly competent in this skill, so work to capitalize on it and achieve your potential. 80-89 A STRENGTH TO BUILD ON This score is above average. However, there are a few situations where you don't demonstrate emotionally intelligent behavior. There are many things you've done well to receive this score and a few that could be better with some practice. Study the behaviors for which you received this score and consider how you can polish your skills. 70-79 WITH A LITTLE IMPROVEMENT, THIS COULD BE A STRENGTH You are aware of some of the behaviors for which you received this score, and you are doing well with them. Other emotionally intelligent behaviors in this group are holding you back. Lots of people start here and see a big improvement in their emotional intelligence once it's brought to their attention. Use this opportunity to discover the difference and improve in the areas where you don't do as well. 60-69 SOMETHING YOU SHOULD WORK ON This is an area where you sometimes demonstrate emotionally intelligent behavior but not usually. You may be starting to let people down. Perhaps this is a skill area that doesn't always come naturally for you or that you don't make use of. With a little improvement in this skill, your credibility will go way up. 59 and Below A CONCERN YOU MUST ADDRESS This skill area is either a problem for you, you don't value it, or you didn't know it was important. The bad news is your skills in this area are limiting your effectiveness. The good news is this discovery and choosing to do something about it will go a long way in improving your emotionally intelligent behavior. NOW FOR THE NUMBERS... Your Overall Emotional Intelligence Score: 74 Personal Competence: 84 The collective power of your self-awareness and self-management skills. It's how you use emotional intelligence in situations that are more about you privately. Self-Awareness 82 Your ability to accurately perceive your emotions and stay aware of them as they happen. This includes keeping on top of how you tend to respond to specific situations and certain people. Self-Management 85 Your ability to use awareness of your emotions to stay flexible and positively direct your behavior. This means managing your emotional reactions to all situations and people. Social Competence: 64 The combination of your social awareness and relationship management skills. It's more about how you are with other people. Social Awareness 67 Your ability to accurately pick up on emotions in other people and get what is really going on. This often means understanding what other people are thinking and feeling, even if you don't feel the same way. Relationship Management 61 Your ability to use awareness of your emotions and the emotions of others to manage interactions successfully. Letting emotional awareness guide clear communication and effective handling of conflict. MY EQ STRATEGIES This section analyzes your score profile to suggest the three EQ strategies that will increase your EQ the most. Start your EQ skill development with: RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT Complete descriptions of your recommended relationship management strategies (listed in the table below) can be found on the pages that follow. What brings your score down most: What you can do to improve: Not being open and willing enough to explain yourself to others. Explain Your Decisions, Don't Just Make Them: Relationship management strategy #13 on pages 208-210 of the Emotional Intelligence 2.0 book. Not getting to know the people around you well enough. Be Open and Be Curious: Relationship management strategy #1 on pages 180-182 of the Emotional Intelligence 2.0 book. Handling conflict ineffectively. Tackle a Tough Conversation: Relationship management strategy #17 on pages 219-223 of the Emotional Intelligence 2.0 book. RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT STRATEGY #1 Explain Your Decisions, Don't Just Make Them It's frightening to be in a place you're not familiar with and be completely in the dark. Case in point—have you ever planned to go camping but got to the site in the dark? It's hard to get your bearings, you're setting up a tent in the dark, and because you're in the wilderness, it's just eerily quiet and black. You go to bed with one eye open and hope for the best. The next day, you wake up tired and unzip your tent, and you're amazed at the beauty around you: water, mountains, tree-lined trails, and cute little animals abound. There's nothing to be afraid of—you soon forget last night's anxieties, and you move about your day. What were you so worried about, anyway? The only difference between these two scenarios is light—it's the same place, and you're with the same people with the same gear. This is what people experience when decisions are made for them. When you are in the dark, intentionally or not, about upcoming layoffs, contract negotiations, and the like, you may as well be setting up camp in blackness. If there are layoffs that increase your workload or change your shift, you'll find out when the pink slips are handed out. If taxes are changed, you'll see it on your paycheck. No recourse, no trial period. It's a done deal. That's a tough pill to swallow because we're not children or dependents; we're adults. To support an idea, we need to understand why the decision was made. When you use your EQ to manage relationships, keep this in mind. Instead of making a change and expecting others to just accept it, take time to explain the why behind the decision, including alternatives, and why the final choice made the most sense. If you can ask for ideas and input ahead of time, it's even better. Finally, acknowledge how the decision will affect everyone. People appreciate this transparency and openness, even though the decision may negatively impact them. Transparency and openness also make people feel like they are trusted, respected, and connected to their organization—instead of being told what to do and kept in the dark. If you have a habit of making decisions quickly and independently, you're likely very personally competent. Though old habits die hard, since they're ingrained in your brain's wiring, it's time to rewire and add social competence to your decision-making repertoire. First, you'll likely have to spot your upcoming decisions. Take out your calendar to look over the next three months to identify which decisions will need to be made by then. Now work backward and see who will be impacted by these decisions. Make a complete list of who will be affected by each decision and plan on when and where you will talk together about each, including the details that explain why and how each decision will be made. If you have to invite people to a special meeting for just this purpose, so be it. As you plan your agenda and your words, use your social awareness skills to put yourself in the shoes of others, so you can speak to your audience before and after you make the decision as they would expect and hope. * This is relationship management strategy #13 from pages 208-210 of the Emotional Intelligence 2.0 book. RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT STRATEGY #2 Be Open and Be Curious We can imagine a few readers thinking, "Oh brother, I have to be open and curious with people at work? Can I just work on my projects and what I was hired to do, minus the touchy-feely stuff?" Actually, establishing, building, and maintaining relationships are all part of your job—even if you work with just one other person. Maintaining relationships may not be on your job description and may not have even been discussed, but for you to be successful, being open and curious is absolutely, unequivocally part of your job. Let's explore what "open" means in terms of relationship management. Being open means sharing information about yourself with others. You can use your self-management skills to choose how open you are and what you share, but know that there's a benefit to opening up that may help you with your choices: when people know about you, there's less room for them to misinterpret you. For example, if you are particularly sensitive about showing up five minutes early to meetings, and get annoyed when people stroll in at the very beginning of the meeting or even a little late, some people might interpret you as being uptight and rigid. If you shared with these same people that you were in the Marines for the first years of your career, your coworkers would understand and maybe even appreciate your sense of timing and courtesy. Who knows, your punctuality might even rub off! Being an open book on your end isn't the whole story with managing a relationship—you also need to be interested in the other person's story as well. In other words, you need to be curious. The more you show interest in and learn about the other person, the better shot you have at meeting his or her needs and not misinterpreting them. When you ask questions, draw from your social awareness skills to choose an appropriate setting and time. Be inquisitive in your tone—similar to how Santa Claus asks a child what he'd like for Christmas. The opposite tone is judgmental—think of someone who's ever asked you a question like, "Why on earth did you buy a motorcycle?" or "You majored in philosophy? What did you plan to do with THAT?" When you ask questions and this person opens up, you will not only learn information that will help you manage the relationship, but the other person will also appreciate the interest shown in him or her. If you are beginning a new relationship, in an established one, or even if you're in a rough patch, take a few minutes out of your day to identify a few relationships that need some attention, and make time to be open and curious with these people. * This is relationship management strategy #1 from pages 180-182 of the Emotional Intelligence 2.0 book. RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT STRATEGY #3 Tackle a Tough Conversation "Why did I get passed over for the promotion?" your staff member Judith asks with a slightly defensive tone, a wounded posture, and a quivering voice. This is going to be a tough one. The news leaked out early about Roger's promotion before you could speak with Judith. You value Judith and her work, but you'll need to explain that she's not ready for the next level yet. That's not the hardest part of this conversation—damage control is another story. From the boardroom to the break room, tough conversations will surface, and it is possible to calmly and effectively handle them. Tough conversations are inevitable; forget running from them because they're sure to catch up to you. Though EQ skills can't make these conversations disappear, acquiring some new skills can make these conversations a lot easier to navigate without ruining the relationship. 1. Start with agreement. If you know you are likely to end up in a disagreement, start your discussion with the common ground you share. Whether it's simply agreeing that the discussion will be hard but important or agreeing on a shared goal, create a feeling of agreement. For example: "Judith, I first want you to know that I value you, and I'm sorry that you learned the news from someone other than me. I'd like to use this time to explain the situation, and anything else you'd like to hear from me. I'd also like to hear from you." 2. Ask the person to help you understand his or her side. People want to be heard—if they don't feel heard, frustration rises. Before frustration enters the picture, beat it to the punch and ask the person to share his or her point of view. Manage your own feelings as needed, but focus on understanding the other person's view. In Judith's case, this would sound like, "Judith, along the way I want to make sure you feel comfortable sharing what's on your mind with me. I'd like to make sure I understand your perspective." By asking for Judith's input, you are showing that you care and have an interest in learning more about her. This is an opportunity to deepen and manage your relationship with Judith. 3. Resist the urge to plan a "comeback" or a rebuttal. Your brain cannot listen well and prepare to speak at the same time. Use your self-management skills to silence your inner voice and direct your attention to the person in front of you. In this case, Judith has been passed up for a promotion that she was really interested in, and found out about it through the grapevine. Let's face it—if you'd like to maintain the relationship, you need to be quiet, listen to her shock and disappointment, and resist the urge to defend yourself. 4. Help the other person understand your side, too. Now it is your turn to help the other person understand your perspective. Describe your discomfort, your thoughts, your ideas, and the reasons behind your thought process. Communicate clearly and simply; don't speak in circles or in code. In Judith's case, what you say can ultimately be great feedback for her, which she deserves. To explain that Roger had more experience and was more suited for the job at this time is an appropriate message. Since his promotion was leaked to her in an unsavory way, this is something that requires an apology. This ability to explain your thoughts and directly address others in a compassionate way during a difficult situation is a key aspect of relationship management. 5. Move the conversation forward. Once you understand each other's perspective, even if there's disagreement, someone has to move things along. In the case of Judith, it's you. Try to find some common ground again. When you're talking to Judith, say something like, "Well, I'm so glad you came to me directly and that we had the opportunity to talk about it. I understand your position, and it sounds like you understand mine. I'm still invested in your development and would like to work with you on getting the experience you need. What are your thoughts?" RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT STRATEGY #3 CONTINUED 6. Keep in touch. The resolution to a tough conversation needs more attention even after you leave it, so check progress frequently, ask the other person if he or she is satisfied, and keep in touch as you move forward. You are half of what it takes to keep a relationship oiled and running smoothly. In regard to Judith, meeting with her regularly to talk about her career advancement and promotion potential would continue to show her that you care about her progress. In the end, when you enter a tough conversation, prepare yourself to take the high road, not be defensive, and remain open by practicing the strategies above. Instead of losing ground with someone in a conversation like this, it can actually become a moment that solidifies your relationship going forward. * This is relationship management strategy #17 from pages 219-223 of the Emotional Intelligence 2.0 book. MY EQ LESSONS This section contains four EQ Lessons that will help you actively increase your understanding of, and capacity for, each EQ skill. Emotional intelligence is very different from traditional intelligence (IQ). With IQ, it is understood that you are generally as smart now as you are ever going to be. People learn new facts but their intelligence, or their ability to learn, remains largely the same. Emotional intelligence is a flexible skill that can be readily learned. People increase their emotional intelligence by working on the skills outlined in this learning system. Research shows that people improve their EQ most when the following conditions are present: • They have a strong motivation to learn or change • They practice new behaviors consistently • They seek feedback on their own behavior How To Master A New Skill Any time you are acquiring a new skill, remember the best path for doing something new or different looks like this: • Find someone who is good at it. • Watch that person do it. • Get that person to talk about how they do it. • Practice doing it yourself with his or her guidance. • Ask the person to give you feedback. • Practice doing it on your own. • Seek feedback until you've mastered it. Change can be a little... Embarrassing, because as you practice new things, the very people who feel you ought to change may poke fun at you, forget to encourage you along the way, or not even notice. Don't give up. The rewards will outweigh these challenges because you will be better positioned personally and professionally than you ever were before. How to handle it when you feel embarrassed: • Say, "I could really use a little support here." • Tell people you are serious about getting better at this. Most likely, they will become your allies. • Ask for help and suggestions. Change can also be a little... Frustrating, because old habits and behaviors (what you say and do) can be difficult to change. How to handle it when you feel frustrated: • Remind yourself that change takes time and practice. • Remind yourself that it's OK not to know. • Find someone who handles change well. Ask how it's done. • Find someone who can encourage you. Change can also be terrific. It surprises most people how a little bit of change in the right direction can go a long way in the eyes of others. Good luck and have fun with it! SELF-AWARENESS LESSON To increase your self-awareness, you need to discover things you tend to do, say, think, and feel that you have previously failed to notice or understand. This process can be uncomfortable because some of the things you'll discover are unflattering or things you'll want to improve. That said, it's much less painful to seek out this information on your own than wait until someone brings it to your attention. How does Dan increase his self-awareness the hard way? She's had enough. Dan gets defensive. Dan realizes he's wrong. She's had enough. Being in a relationship with Dan means Beth is frequently subjected to his bad moods. She finally realizes that he's so annoyed with everyone because he's unhappy with himself. Beth knows Dan won't change until he understands this. So, she breaks it down for him. Dan gets defensive. Like most people in his position, Dan is quick to point out justifications for his behavior. Dan genuinely believes he's so annoyed because people are so annoying. Beth's feedback doesn't even begin to hit home until he realizes that venti means "twenty." Dan realizes he's wrong. By the time Dan gets to work and discusses the morning's events with a friend, it's clear that Beth's feedback has had a chance to sink in. Not only does Dan think Beth is right, but Dan's coworker also agrees with her. The more Dan thinks about Beth's feedback, the more he begins to see what is making him so frustrated. SELF-AWARENESS TIP To increase your self-awareness, you need to embrace feedback with open arms. Research shows that the vast majority of people struggle to see themselves as others see them, and the most accurate picture of anyone's behavior comes from those around them. The best way to find out what others see is to ask them. Asking for feedback is easy—hearing it without getting defensive is not. Seeking feedback is difficult for most people. It can be scary when you are afraid to finally find out what people really think of you. Nonetheless, feedback from others won't do you any good if you're not open and receptive to other people's perspectives, especially when they differ from your own. Here's a process you can follow to seek feedback that will increase your self-awareness: • Seek out a trusted friend or colleague and ask this person if he or she would be willing to share his or her thoughts about you with you. A "real" feedback discussion is bound to have some difficult moments, so you need to find someone with whom you can work through these moments comfortably. • Explain to your selected person that you are working on increasing your self-awareness as a result of taking the Emotional Intelligence Appraisal. Tell him or her what emotional intelligence is and describe some of your goals for improving your emotional intelligence (EQ). SELF-AWARENESS LESSON CONTINUED • Ask this person to share with you what he or she sees and thinks regarding your ability to understand and respond effectively to your emotions. Be sure to get information on things that aren't readily apparent to you. • The following questions should help this conversation: • Are there specific situations where, or people with whom, I tend to let my emotions get the best of me? • Is there anything I do too much? That is, can I tone down a certain behavior? • What holds me back from managing my emotions effectively? SELF-MANAGEMENT LESSON It's easy to think that good self-management is as simple as controlling explosive emotional outbursts. Although you do need to control outbursts, your emotions have a negative impact on your behavior in other, less obvious ways. In the following clip from Erin Brockovich, both characters demonstrate poor self-management. As you watch the clip, see if you can pick up on the self-management mistakes each character makes. Who does what? She starts things off right. He pushes her buttons. She loses her cool. She starts things off right. When you have an uncomfortable interaction with another person, the range and intensity of your emotions are bound to change as the situation unfolds. Erin starts the meeting off right by remaining calm and listening to what Ed has to say. He pushes her buttons. Becoming a better self-manager requires taking an honest look at all the ways your emotions create problems for you. In Ed's case, having fun with Erin at her expense was a poor choice. Not only does Ed end up looking bad, but he also ruins what would have otherwise been a great moment for them to share. She loses her cool. When people push your buttons, powerful emotions rush to the surface. Effective self-managers keep tabs on their emotions throughout a difficult conversation, so that they know when their buttons are being pushed and can respond accordingly. In Erin's case, she could have avoided falling into Ed's trap by asking to see the check before taking the discussion any further. SELF-MANAGEMENT TIP An uncontrolled emotional outburst—even though it may make you feel better temporarily—can do major harm to your relationships. When your relationships are not voluntary, such as with your colleagues at work, minimizing this type of damage is essential to the health and productivity of your relationship. SOCIAL AWARENESS LESSON Your ability to recognize and understand others' opinions—and the emotions that come with them—is critical to the quality of your relationships. Putting yourself in the other person's shoes—taking the time to really understand his or her point of view, whether you agree with it or not—is what social awareness is all about. In this clip from October Sky, Homer greets his father after having just returned home from winning the national science fair. Homer has a difficult relationship with his father, who doesn’t understand Homer’s fascination with rockets and is the only member of the town who hasn’t attended a single launch. Homer lets his father speak his mind. To demonstrate social awareness, first you have to let people speak their minds. For most of us, this is relatively easy. That is, until we're convinced that we know what the other person is saying. That's when we cut people off, allow our minds to wander, and completely miss what's really going on. Homer speaks directly to his father's feelings. Homer's confidence in directly addressing his father is bolstered by a keen read of the man. Homer's father may hold the authority, but that doesn't mean he doesn't need to feel heard. Homer knows the only way to get through to his father is to address his concerns directly, and Homer does so with a powerful effect. As you can see from the clip, directly addressing the feelings and concerns of others is often the best way to go. However, before you can do that, you have to become skilled at recognizing and reading other people's emotions. To get better at picking up on others' emotional cues, seek out trusted friends or colleagues with whom you can have a frank conversation about your quest for improved social awareness. The next time they tell you about something they experienced or something important to them, check in with them on the following: • Tell them your perception of what they are going through and see if it is accurate. Don't be afraid to ask the kinds of questions you really can't ask during a typical conversation. • Finally, ask them if they were attempting to deliver any unspoken messages. Sometimes people just don't want to say flat out how they feel about something, so they drop hints. If they did, this is a great opportunity to see if you picked up on them. Who will you try this with? RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT LESSON Remember that emotions play a role in every interaction you have with another person, whether you are aware of them or not. Emotions often influence the “back and forth” between two people more than the words being said. The ability to spot emotions in the midst of an interaction, understand their influence, and respond effectively is the essence of relationship management. This can be very hard to do. What happens between these two? Chris disappoints his son. Chris recognizes his mistake. Chris makes a repair. Chris disappoints his son. Chris, thinking that he is protecting his son from future disappointment and failure, tries to be realistic with him. Instead, Chris's words destroy what little fun the boy gets to have with his hard-working father. Chris recognizes his mistake. Chris notices his son's dejected behavior. Chris realizes that, even though he meant well, his words did not have their intended effect. As Chris pauses to reflect, he realizes his own struggles with success and failure tainted the message. Where this realization would make most people defensive, Chris has the ability to stay focused on his son's feelings. Chris makes a repair. Chris repairs the broken conversation by acknowledging his mistake in discouraging his son's dream. The earnestness in Chris's voice shows his son he cares deeply about him, even though Chris's words don't say this directly. It's obvious that Chris remembers all of the times that he's been told he can't do something, and he uses these memories to empathize with his son's feelings. MY EQ SCORES Thank you for completing the Emotional Intelligence Appraisal®. You are now in a customized learning program that is based upon your emotional intelligence scores. This program will teach you about emotional intelligence (EQ), reveal what your current skill levels are, and tell you what you can do to improve. WHAT DOES EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE LOOK LIKE? The four parts of the emotional intelligence model are based upon a connection between what you see and what you do with yourself and others. © WHAT THE SCORES MEAN Scores on the Emotional Intelligence Appraisal® come from a "normed" sample. That means your scores are based on a comparison to the general population. Read the following descriptions to better understand what your scores mean about your current skill level. Score Meaning 90-100 A STRENGTH TO CAPITALIZE ON These scores are much higher than average and indicate a noteworthy strength. These strengths probably come naturally to you or exist because you have worked hard to develop them. Seize every opportunity to use these emotionally intelligent behaviors to maximize your success. You are highly competent in this skill, so work to capitalize on it and achieve your potential. 80-89 A STRENGTH TO BUILD ON This score is above average. However, there are a few situations where you don't demonstrate emotionally intelligent behavior. There are many things you've done well to receive this score and a few that could be better with some practice. Study the behaviors for which you received this score and consider how you can polish your skills. 70-79 WITH A LITTLE IMPROVEMENT, THIS COULD BE A STRENGTH You are aware of some of the behaviors for which you received this score, and you are doing well with them. Other emotionally intelligent behaviors in this group are holding you back. Lots of people start here and see a big improvement in their emotional intelligence once it's brought to their attention. Use this opportunity to discover the difference and improve in the areas where you don't do as well. 60-69 SOMETHING YOU SHOULD WORK ON This is an area where you sometimes demonstrate emotionally intelligent behavior but not usually. You may be starting to let people down. Perhaps this is a skill area that doesn't always come naturally for you or that you don't make use of. With a little improvement in this skill, your credibility will go way up. 59 and Below A CONCERN YOU MUST ADDRESS This skill area is either a problem for you, you don't value it, or you didn't know it was important. The bad news is your skills in this area are limiting your effectiveness. The good news is this discovery and choosing to do something about it will go a long way in improving your emotionally intelligent behavior. NOW FOR THE NUMBERS... Your Overall Emotional Intelligence Score: 74 Personal Competence: 84 The collective power of your self-awareness and self-management skills. It's how you use emotional intelligence in situations that are more about you privately. Self-Awareness 82 Your ability to accurately perceive your emotions and stay aware of them as they happen. This includes keeping on top of how you tend to respond to specific situations and certain people. Self-Management 85 Your ability to use awareness of your emotions to stay flexible and positively direct your behavior. This means managing your emotional reactions to all situations and people. Social Competence: 64 The combination of your social awareness and relationship management skills. It's more about how you are with other people. Social Awareness 67 Your ability to accurately pick up on emotions in other people and get what is really going on. This often means understanding what other people are thinking and feeling, even if you don't feel the same way. Relationship Management 61 Your ability to use awareness of your emotions and the emotions of others to manage interactions successfully. Letting emotional awareness guide clear communication and effective handling of conflict. MY EQ STRATEGIES This section analyzes your score profile to suggest the three EQ strategies that will increase your EQ the most. Start your EQ skill development with: RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT Complete descriptions of your recommended relationship management strategies (listed in the table below) can be found on the pages that follow. What brings your score down most: What you can do to improve: Not being open and willing enough to explain yourself to others. Explain Your Decisions, Don't Just Make Them: Relationship management strategy #13 on pages 208-210 of the Emotional Intelligence 2.0 book. Not getting to know the people around you well enough. Be Open and Be Curious: Relationship management strategy #1 on pages 180-182 of the Emotional Intelligence 2.0 book. Handling conflict ineffectively. Tackle a Tough Conversation: Relationship management strategy #17 on pages 219-223 of the Emotional Intelligence 2.0 book. RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT STRATEGY #1 Explain Your Decisions, Don't Just Make Them It's frightening to be in a place you're not familiar with and be completely in the dark. Case in point—have you ever planned to go camping but got to the site in the dark? It's hard to get your bearings, you're setting up a tent in the dark, and because you're in the wilderness, it's just eerily quiet and black. You go to bed with one eye open and hope for the best. The next day, you wake up tired and unzip your tent, and you're amazed at the beauty around you: water, mountains, tree-lined trails, and cute little animals abound. There's nothing to be afraid of—you soon forget last night's anxieties, and you move about your day. What were you so worried about, anyway? The only difference between these two scenarios is light—it's the same place, and you're with the same people with the same gear. This is what people experience when decisions are made for them. When you are in the dark, intentionally or not, about upcoming layoffs, contract negotiations, and the like, you may as well be setting up camp in blackness. If there are layoffs that increase your workload or change your shift, you'll find out when the pink slips are handed out. If taxes are changed, you'll see it on your paycheck. No recourse, no trial period. It's a done deal. That's a tough pill to swallow because we're not children or dependents; we're adults. To support an idea, we need to understand why the decision was made. When you use your EQ to manage relationships, keep this in mind. Instead of making a change and expecting others to just accept it, take time to explain the why behind the decision, including alternatives, and why the final choice made the most sense. If you can ask for ideas and input ahead of time, it's even better. Finally, acknowledge how the decision will affect everyone. People appreciate this transparency and openness, even though the decision may negatively impact them. Transparency and openness also make people feel like they are trusted, respected, and connected to their organization—instead of being told what to do and kept in the dark. If you have a habit of making decisions quickly and independently, you're likely very personally competent. Though old habits die hard, since they're ingrained in your brain's wiring, it's time to rewire and add social competence to your decision-making repertoire. First, you'll likely have to spot your upcoming decisions. Take out your calendar to look over the next three months to identify which decisions will need to be made by then. Now work backward and see who will be impacted by these decisions. Make a complete list of who will be affected by each decision and plan on when and where you will talk together about each, including the details that explain why and how each decision will be made. If you have to invite people to a special meeting for just this purpose, so be it. As you plan your agenda and your words, use your social awareness skills to put yourself in the shoes of others, so you can speak to your audience before and after you make the decision as they would expect and hope. * This is relationship management strategy #13 from pages 208-210 of the Emotional Intelligence 2.0 book. RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT STRATEGY #2 Be Open and Be Curious We can imagine a few readers thinking, "Oh brother, I have to be open and curious with people at work? Can I just work on my projects and what I was hired to do, minus the touchy-feely stuff?" Actually, establishing, building, and maintaining relationships are all part of your job—even if you work with just one other person. Maintaining relationships may not be on your job description and may not have even been discussed, but for you to be successful, being open and curious is absolutely, unequivocally part of your job. Let's explore what "open" means in terms of relationship management. Being open means sharing information about yourself with others. You can use your self-management skills to choose how open you are and what you share, but know that there's a benefit to opening up that may help you with your choices: when people know about you, there's less room for them to misinterpret you. For example, if you are particularly sensitive about showing up five minutes early to meetings, and get annoyed when people stroll in at the very beginning of the meeting or even a little late, some people might interpret you as being uptight and rigid. If you shared with these same people that you were in the Marines for the first years of your career, your coworkers would understand and maybe even appreciate your sense of timing and courtesy. Who knows, your punctuality might even rub off! Being an open book on your end isn't the whole story with managing a relationship—you also need to be interested in the other person's story as well. In other words, you need to be curious. The more you show interest in and learn about the other person, the better shot you have at meeting his or her needs and not misinterpreting them. When you ask questions, draw from your social awareness skills to choose an appropriate setting and time. Be inquisitive in your tone—similar to how Santa Claus asks a child what he'd like for Christmas. The opposite tone is judgmental—think of someone who's ever asked you a question like, "Why on earth did you buy a motorcycle?" or "You majored in philosophy? What did you plan to do with THAT?" When you ask questions and this person opens up, you will not only learn information that will help you manage the relationship, but the other person will also appreciate the interest shown in him or her. If you are beginning a new relationship, in an established one, or even if you're in a rough patch, take a few minutes out of your day to identify a few relationships that need some attention, and make time to be open and curious with these people. * This is relationship management strategy #1 from pages 180-182 of the Emotional Intelligence 2.0 book. RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT STRATEGY #3 Tackle a Tough Conversation "Why did I get passed over for the promotion?" your staff member Judith asks with a slightly defensive tone, a wounded posture, and a quivering voice. This is going to be a tough one. The news leaked out early about Roger's promotion before you could speak with Judith. You value Judith and her work, but you'll need to explain that she's not ready for the next level yet. That's not the hardest part of this conversation—damage control is another story. From the boardroom to the break room, tough conversations will surface, and it is possible to calmly and effectively handle them. Tough conversations are inevitable; forget running from them because they're sure to catch up to you. Though EQ skills can't make these conversations disappear, acquiring some new skills can make these conversations a lot easier to navigate without ruining the relationship. 1. Start with agreement. If you know you are likely to end up in a disagreement, start your discussion with the common ground you share. Whether it's simply agreeing that the discussion will be hard but important or agreeing on a shared goal, create a feeling of agreement. For example: "Judith, I first want you to know that I value you, and I'm sorry that you learned the news from someone other than me. I'd like to use this time to explain the situation, and anything else you'd like to hear from me. I'd also like to hear from you." 2. Ask the person to help you understand his or her side. People want to be heard—if they don't feel heard, frustration rises. Before frustration enters the picture, beat it to the punch and ask the person to share his or her point of view. Manage your own feelings as needed, but focus on understanding the other person's view. In Judith's case, this would sound like, "Judith, along the way I want to make sure you feel comfortable sharing what's on your mind with me. I'd like to make sure I understand your perspective." By asking for Judith's input, you are showing that you care and have an interest in learning more about her. This is an opportunity to deepen and manage your relationship with Judith. 3. Resist the urge to plan a "comeback" or a rebuttal. Your brain cannot listen well and prepare to speak at the same time. Use your self-management skills to silence your inner voice and direct your attention to the person in front of you. In this case, Judith has been passed up for a promotion that she was really interested in, and found out about it through the grapevine. Let's face it—if you'd like to maintain the relationship, you need to be quiet, listen to her shock and disappointment, and resist the urge to defend yourself. 4. Help the other person understand your side, too. Now it is your turn to help the other person understand your perspective. Describe your discomfort, your thoughts, your ideas, and the reasons behind your thought process. Communicate clearly and simply; don't speak in circles or in code. In Judith's case, what you say can ultimately be great feedback for her, which she deserves. To explain that Roger had more experience and was more suited for the job at this time is an appropriate message. Since his promotion was leaked to her in an unsavory way, this is something that requires an apology. This ability to explain your thoughts and directly address others in a compassionate way during a difficult situation is a key aspect of relationship management. 5. Move the conversation forward. Once you understand each other's perspective, even if there's disagreement, someone has to move things along. In the case of Judith, it's you. Try to find some common ground again. When you're talking to Judith, say something like, "Well, I'm so glad you came to me directly and that we had the opportunity to talk about it. I understand your position, and it sounds like you understand mine. I'm still invested in your development and would like to work with you on getting the experience you need. What are your thoughts?" RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT STRATEGY #3 CONTINUED 6. Keep in touch. The resolution to a tough conversation needs more attention even after you leave it, so check progress frequently, ask the other person if he or she is satisfied, and keep in touch as you move forward. You are half of what it takes to keep a relationship oiled and running smoothly. In regard to Judith, meeting with her regularly to talk about her career advancement and promotion potential would continue to show her that you care about her progress. In the end, when you enter a tough conversation, prepare yourself to take the high road, not be defensive, and remain open by practicing the strategies above. Instead of losing ground with someone in a conversation like this, it can actually become a moment that solidifies your relationship going forward. * This is relationship management strategy #17 from pages 219-223 of the Emotional Intelligence 2.0 book. MY EQ LESSONS This section contains four EQ Lessons that will help you actively increase your understanding of, and capacity for, each EQ skill. Emotional intelligence is very different from traditional intelligence (IQ). With IQ, it is understood that you are generally as smart now as you are ever going to be. People learn new facts but their intelligence, or their ability to learn, remains largely the same. Emotional intelligence is a flexible skill that can be readily learned. People increase their emotional intelligence by working on the skills outlined in this learning system. Research shows that people improve their EQ most when the following conditions are present: • They have a strong motivation to learn or change • They practice new behaviors consistently • They seek feedback on their own behavior How To Master A New Skill Any time you are acquiring a new skill, remember the best path for doing something new or different looks like this: • Find someone who is good at it. • Watch that person do it. • Get that person to talk about how they do it. • Practice doing it yourself with his or her guidance. • Ask the person to give you feedback. • Practice doing it on your own. • Seek feedback until you've mastered it. Change can be a little... Embarrassing, because as you practice new things, the very people who feel you ought to change may poke fun at you, forget to encourage you along the way, or not even notice. Don't give up. The rewards will outweigh these challenges because you will be better positioned personally and professionally than you ever were before. How to handle it when you feel embarrassed: • Say, "I could really use a little support here." • Tell people you are serious about getting better at this. Most likely, they will become your allies. • Ask for help and suggestions. Change can also be a little... Frustrating, because old habits and behaviors (what you say and do) can be difficult to change. How to handle it when you feel frustrated: • Remind yourself that change takes time and practice. • Remind yourself that it's OK not to know. • Find someone who handles change well. Ask how it's done. • Find someone who can encourage you. Change can also be terrific. It surprises most people how a little bit of change in the right direction can go a long way in the eyes of others. Good luck and have fun with it! SELF-AWARENESS LESSON To increase your self-awareness, you need to discover things you tend to do, say, think, and feel that you have previously failed to notice or understand. This process can be uncomfortable because some of the things you'll discover are unflattering or things you'll want to improve. That said, it's much less painful to seek out this information on your own than wait until someone brings it to your attention. How does Dan increase his self-awareness the hard way? She's had enough. Dan gets defensive. Dan realizes he's wrong. She's had enough. Being in a relationship with Dan means Beth is frequently subjected to his bad moods. She finally realizes that he's so annoyed with everyone because he's unhappy with himself. Beth knows Dan won't change until he understands this. So, she breaks it down for him. Dan gets defensive. Like most people in his position, Dan is quick to point out justifications for his behavior. Dan genuinely believes he's so annoyed because people are so annoying. Beth's feedback doesn't even begin to hit home until he realizes that venti means "twenty." Dan realizes he's wrong. By the time Dan gets to work and discusses the morning's events with a friend, it's clear that Beth's feedback has had a chance to sink in. Not only does Dan think Beth is right, but Dan's coworker also agrees with her. The more Dan thinks about Beth's feedback, the more he begins to see what is making him so frustrated. SELF-AWARENESS TIP To increase your self-awareness, you need to embrace feedback with open arms. Research shows that the vast majority of people struggle to see themselves as others see them, and the most accurate picture of anyone's behavior comes from those around them. The best way to find out what others see is to ask them. Asking for feedback is easy—hearing it without getting defensive is not. Seeking feedback is difficult for most people. It can be scary when you are afraid to finally find out what people really think of you. Nonetheless, feedback from others won't do you any good if you're not open and receptive to other people's perspectives, especially when they differ from your own. Here's a process you can follow to seek feedback that will increase your self-awareness: • Seek out a trusted friend or colleague and ask this person if he or she would be willing to share his or her thoughts about you with you. A "real" feedback discussion is bound to have some difficult moments, so you need to find someone with whom you can work through these moments comfortably. • Explain to your selected person that you are working on increasing your self-awareness as a result of taking the Emotional Intelligence Appraisal. Tell him or her what emotional intelligence is and describe some of your goals for improving your emotional intelligence (EQ). SELF-AWARENESS LESSON CONTINUED • Ask this person to share with you what he or she sees and thinks regarding your ability to understand and respond effectively to your emotions. Be sure to get information on things that aren't readily apparent to you. • The following questions should help this conversation: • Are there specific situations where, or people with whom, I tend to let my emotions get the best of me? • Is there anything I do too much? That is, can I tone down a certain behavior? • What holds me back from managing my emotions effectively? SELF-MANAGEMENT LESSON It's easy to think that good self-management is as simple as controlling explosive emotional outbursts. Although you do need to control outbursts, your emotions have a negative impact on your behavior in other, less obvious ways. In the following clip from Erin Brockovich, both characters demonstrate poor self-management. As you watch the clip, see if you can pick up on the self-management mistakes each character makes. Who does what? She starts things off right. He pushes her buttons. She loses her cool. She starts things off right. When you have an uncomfortable interaction with another person, the range and intensity of your emotions are bound to change as the situation unfolds. Erin starts the meeting off right by remaining calm and listening to what Ed has to say. He pushes her buttons. Becoming a better self-manager requires taking an honest look at all the ways your emotions create problems for you. In Ed's case, having fun with Erin at her expense was a poor choice. Not only does Ed end up looking bad, but he also ruins what would have otherwise been a great moment for them to share. She loses her cool. When people push your buttons, powerful emotions rush to the surface. Effective self-managers keep tabs on their emotions throughout a difficult conversation, so that they know when their buttons are being pushed and can respond accordingly. In Erin's case, she could have avoided falling into Ed's trap by asking to see the check before taking the discussion any further. SELF-MANAGEMENT TIP An uncontrolled emotional outburst—even though it may make you feel better temporarily—can do major harm to your relationships. When your relationships are not voluntary, such as with your colleagues at work, minimizing this type of damage is essential to the health and productivity of your relationship. SOCIAL AWARENESS LESSON Your ability to recognize and understand others' opinions—and the emotions that come with them—is critical to the quality of your relationships. Putting yourself in the other person's shoes—taking the time to really understand his or her point of view, whether you agree with it or not—is what social awareness is all about. In this clip from October Sky, Homer greets his father after having just returned home from winning the national science fair. Homer has a difficult relationship with his father, who doesn’t understand Homer’s fascination with rockets and is the only member of the town who hasn’t attended a single launch. Homer lets his father speak his mind. To demonstrate social awareness, first you have to let people speak their minds. For most of us, this is relatively easy. That is, until we're convinced that we know what the other person is saying. That's when we cut people off, allow our minds to wander, and completely miss what's really going on. Homer speaks directly to his father's feelings. Homer's confidence in directly addressing his father is bolstered by a keen read of the man. Homer's father may hold the authority, but that doesn't mean he doesn't need to feel heard. Homer knows the only way to get through to his father is to address his concerns directly, and Homer does so with a powerful effect. As you can see from the clip, directly addressing the feelings and concerns of others is often the best way to go. However, before you can do that, you have to become skilled at recognizing and reading other people's emotions. To get better at picking up on others' emotional cues, seek out trusted friends or colleagues with whom you can have a frank conversation about your quest for improved social awareness. The next time they tell you about something they experienced or something important to them, check in with them on the following: • Tell them your perception of what they are going through and see if it is accurate. Don't be afraid to ask the kinds of questions you really can't ask during a typical conversation. • Finally, ask them if they were attempting to deliver any unspoken messages. Sometimes people just don't want to say flat out how they feel about something, so they drop hints. If they did, this is a great opportunity to see if you picked up on them. Who will you try this with? RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT LESSON Remember that emotions play a role in every interaction you have with another person, whether you are aware of them or not. Emotions often influence the “back and forth” between two people more than the words being said. The ability to spot emotions in the midst of an interaction, understand their influence, and respond effectively is the essence of relationship management. This can be very hard to do. What happens between these two? Chris disappoints his son. Chris recognizes his mistake. Chris makes a repair. Chris disappoints his son. Chris, thinking that he is protecting his son from future disappointment and failure, tries to be realistic with him. Instead, Chris's words destroy what little fun the boy gets to have with his hard-working father. Chris recognizes his mistake. Chris notices his son's dejected behavior. Chris realizes that, even though he meant well, his words did not have their intended effect. As Chris pauses to reflect, he realizes his own struggles with success and failure tainted the message. Where this realization would make most people defensive, Chris has the ability to stay focused on his son's feelings. Chris makes a repair. Chris repairs the broken conversation by acknowledging his mistake in discouraging his son's dream. The earnestness in Chris's voice shows his son he cares deeply about him, even though Chris's words don't say this directly. It's obvious that Chris remembers all of the times that he's been told he can't do something, and he uses these memories to empathize with his son's feelings.
Purchase answer to see full attachment