MY EQ SCORES
Thank you for completing the Emotional Intelligence Appraisal®. You are now in a customized learning
program
that is based upon your emotional intelligence scores. This program will teach you about emotional
intelligence
(EQ), reveal what your current skill levels are, and tell you what you can do to improve.
WHAT DOES EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE LOOK LIKE?
The four parts of the emotional intelligence model are based upon a connection between what you see
and what
you do with yourself and others.
©
WHAT THE SCORES MEAN
Scores on the Emotional Intelligence Appraisal® come from a "normed" sample. That means your scores
are
based on a comparison to the general population. Read the following descriptions to better understand
what your
scores mean about your current skill level.
Score Meaning
90-100
A STRENGTH TO CAPITALIZE ON
These scores are much higher than average and indicate a noteworthy strength.
These strengths probably come naturally to you or exist because you have worked
hard to develop them. Seize every opportunity to use these emotionally intelligent
behaviors to maximize your success. You are highly competent in this skill, so work
to capitalize on it and achieve your potential.
80-89
A STRENGTH TO BUILD ON
This score is above average. However, there are a few situations where you don't
demonstrate emotionally intelligent behavior. There are many things you've done
well to receive this score and a few that could be better with some practice. Study
the behaviors for which you received this score and consider how you can polish
your skills.
70-79
WITH A LITTLE IMPROVEMENT, THIS COULD BE A STRENGTH
You are aware of some of the behaviors for which you received this score, and you
are doing well with them. Other emotionally intelligent behaviors in this group are
holding you back. Lots of people start here and see a big improvement in their
emotional intelligence once it's brought to their attention. Use this opportunity to
discover the difference and improve in the areas where you don't do as well.
60-69
SOMETHING YOU SHOULD WORK ON
This is an area where you sometimes demonstrate emotionally intelligent behavior
but not usually. You may be starting to let people down. Perhaps this is a skill area
that doesn't always come naturally for you or that you don't make use of. With a
little improvement in this skill, your credibility will go way up.
59 and Below
A CONCERN YOU MUST ADDRESS
This skill area is either a problem for you, you don't value it, or you didn't know it
was important. The bad news is your skills in this area are limiting your
effectiveness. The good news is this discovery and choosing to do something
about it will go a long way in improving your emotionally intelligent behavior.
NOW FOR THE NUMBERS...
Your Overall Emotional Intelligence Score: 74
Personal Competence: 84
The collective power of your self-awareness and self-management skills. It's how you use emotional
intelligence in situations that are more about you privately.
Self-Awareness 82
Your ability to accurately perceive your emotions and stay aware of them as they happen. This includes
keeping on top of how you tend to respond to specific situations and certain people.
Self-Management 85
Your ability to use awareness of your emotions to stay flexible and positively direct your behavior. This means
managing your emotional reactions to all situations and people.
Social Competence: 64
The combination of your social awareness and relationship management skills. It's more about how you are
with other people.
Social Awareness 67
Your ability to accurately pick up on emotions in other people and get what is really going on. This often means
understanding what other people are thinking and feeling, even if you don't feel the same way.
Relationship Management 61
Your ability to use awareness of your emotions and the emotions of others to manage interactions
successfully. Letting emotional awareness guide clear communication and effective handling of conflict.
MY EQ STRATEGIES
This section analyzes your score profile to suggest the three EQ strategies that will increase your EQ the
most.
Start your EQ skill development with: RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT
Complete descriptions of your recommended relationship management strategies (listed in the table
below) can
be found on the pages that follow.
What brings your score down most: What you can do to improve:
Not being open and willing enough to explain
yourself to others.
Explain Your Decisions, Don't Just Make Them:
Relationship management strategy #13 on pages
208-210 of the Emotional Intelligence 2.0 book.
Not getting to know the people around you well
enough.
Be Open and Be Curious:
Relationship management strategy #1 on pages
180-182 of the Emotional Intelligence 2.0 book.
Handling conflict ineffectively. Tackle a Tough Conversation:
Relationship management strategy #17 on pages
219-223 of the Emotional Intelligence 2.0 book.
RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT STRATEGY #1
Explain Your Decisions, Don't Just Make Them
It's frightening to be in a place you're not familiar with and be completely in the dark. Case in point—have
you
ever planned to go camping but got to the site in the dark? It's hard to get your bearings, you're setting up
a tent
in the dark, and because you're in the wilderness, it's just eerily quiet and black. You go to bed with one
eye
open and hope for the best.
The next day, you wake up tired and unzip your tent, and you're amazed at the beauty around you: water,
mountains, tree-lined trails, and cute little animals abound. There's nothing to be afraid of—you soon
forget last
night's anxieties, and you move about your day. What were you so worried about, anyway?
The only difference between these two scenarios is light—it's the same place, and you're with the same
people with the same gear. This is what people experience when decisions are made for them. When you
are in
the dark, intentionally or not, about upcoming layoffs, contract negotiations, and the like, you may as well
be
setting up camp in blackness. If there are layoffs that increase your workload or change your shift, you'll
find out
when the pink slips are handed out. If taxes are changed, you'll see it on your paycheck. No recourse, no
trial
period. It's a done deal.
That's a tough pill to swallow because we're not children or dependents; we're adults. To support an idea,
we need to understand why the decision was made.
When you use your EQ to manage relationships, keep this in mind. Instead of making a change and
expecting others to just accept it, take time to explain the why behind the decision, including alternatives,
and
why the final choice made the most sense. If you can ask for ideas and input ahead of time, it's even
better.
Finally, acknowledge how the decision will affect everyone. People appreciate this transparency and
openness,
even though the decision may negatively impact them. Transparency and openness also make people
feel like
they are trusted, respected, and connected to their organization—instead of being told what to do and
kept in the
dark.
If you have a habit of making decisions quickly and independently, you're likely very personally
competent.
Though old habits die hard, since they're ingrained in your brain's wiring, it's time to rewire and add social
competence to your decision-making repertoire.
First, you'll likely have to spot your upcoming decisions. Take out your calendar to look over the next
three
months to identify which decisions will need to be made by then. Now work backward and see who will be
impacted by these decisions. Make a complete list of who will be affected by each decision and plan on
when
and where you will talk together about each, including the details that explain why and how each decision
will be
made. If you have to invite people to a special meeting for just this purpose, so be it. As you plan your
agenda
and your words, use your social awareness skills to put yourself in the shoes of others, so you can speak
to your
audience before and after you make the decision as they would expect and hope.
* This is relationship management strategy #13 from pages 208-210 of the Emotional Intelligence 2.0
book.
RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT STRATEGY #2
Be Open and Be Curious
We can imagine a few readers thinking, "Oh brother, I have to be open and curious with people at work?
Can I
just work on my projects and what I was hired to do, minus the touchy-feely stuff?" Actually, establishing,
building, and maintaining relationships are all part of your job—even if you work with just one other
person.
Maintaining relationships may not be on your job description and may not have even been discussed, but
for you
to be successful, being open and curious is absolutely, unequivocally part of your job.
Let's explore what "open" means in terms of relationship management. Being open means sharing
information about yourself with others. You can use your self-management skills to choose how open you
are
and what you share, but know that there's a benefit to opening up that may help you with your choices:
when
people know about you, there's less room for them to misinterpret you. For example, if you are particularly
sensitive about showing up five minutes early to meetings, and get annoyed when people stroll in at the
very
beginning of the meeting or even a little late, some people might interpret you as being uptight and rigid. If
you
shared with these same people that you were in the Marines for the first years of your career, your
coworkers
would understand and maybe even appreciate your sense of timing and courtesy. Who knows, your
punctuality
might even rub off!
Being an open book on your end isn't the whole story with managing a relationship—you also need to be
interested in the other person's story as well. In other words, you need to be curious. The more you show
interest in and learn about the other person, the better shot you have at meeting his or her needs and not
misinterpreting them.
When you ask questions, draw from your social awareness skills to choose an appropriate setting and
time. Be inquisitive in your tone—similar to how Santa Claus asks a child what he'd like for Christmas.
The
opposite tone is judgmental—think of someone who's ever asked you a question like, "Why on earth did
you buy
a motorcycle?" or "You majored in philosophy? What did you plan to do with THAT?"
When you ask questions and this person opens up, you will not only learn information that will help you
manage the relationship, but the other person will also appreciate the interest shown in him or her. If you
are
beginning a new relationship, in an established one, or even if you're in a rough patch, take a few minutes
out of
your day to identify a few relationships that need some attention, and make time to be open and curious
with
these people.
* This is relationship management strategy #1 from pages 180-182 of the Emotional Intelligence 2.0 book.
RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT STRATEGY #3
Tackle a Tough Conversation
"Why did I get passed over for the promotion?" your staff member Judith asks with a slightly defensive
tone, a
wounded posture, and a quivering voice. This is going to be a tough one. The news leaked out early
about
Roger's promotion before you could speak with Judith. You value Judith and her work, but you'll need to
explain
that she's not ready for the next level yet. That's not the hardest part of this conversation—damage
control is
another story.
From the boardroom to the break room, tough conversations will surface, and it is possible to calmly and
effectively handle them. Tough conversations are inevitable; forget running from them because they're
sure to
catch up to you. Though EQ skills can't make these conversations disappear, acquiring some new skills
can
make these conversations a lot easier to navigate without ruining the relationship.
1. Start with agreement. If you know you are likely to end up in a disagreement, start your discussion
with the common ground you share. Whether it's simply agreeing that the discussion will be hard but
important or
agreeing on a shared goal, create a feeling of agreement. For example: "Judith, I first want you to know
that I
value you, and I'm sorry that you learned the news from someone other than me. I'd like to use this time
to
explain the situation, and anything else you'd like to hear from me. I'd also like to hear from you."
2. Ask the person to help you understand his or her side. People want to be heard—if they don't feel
heard, frustration rises. Before frustration enters the picture, beat it to the punch and ask the person to
share his
or her point of view. Manage your own feelings as needed, but focus on understanding the other person's
view.
In Judith's case, this would sound like, "Judith, along the way I want to make sure you feel comfortable
sharing
what's on your mind with me. I'd like to make sure I understand your perspective." By asking for Judith's
input,
you are showing that you care and have an interest in learning more about her. This is an opportunity to
deepen
and manage your relationship with Judith.
3. Resist the urge to plan a "comeback" or a rebuttal. Your brain cannot listen well and prepare to
speak at the same time. Use your self-management skills to silence your inner voice and direct your
attention to
the person in front of you. In this case, Judith has been passed up for a promotion that she was really
interested
in, and found out about it through the grapevine. Let's face it—if you'd like to maintain the relationship,
you need
to be quiet, listen to her shock and disappointment, and resist the urge to defend yourself.
4. Help the other person understand your side, too. Now it is your turn to help the other person
understand your perspective. Describe your discomfort, your thoughts, your ideas, and the reasons
behind your
thought process. Communicate clearly and simply; don't speak in circles or in code. In Judith's case, what
you
say can ultimately be great feedback for her, which she deserves. To explain that Roger had more
experience
and was more suited for the job at this time is an appropriate message. Since his promotion was leaked
to her in
an unsavory way, this is something that requires an apology. This ability to explain your thoughts and
directly
address others in a compassionate way during a difficult situation is a key aspect of relationship
management.
5. Move the conversation forward. Once you understand each other's perspective, even if there's
disagreement, someone has to move things along. In the case of Judith, it's you. Try to find some
common
ground again. When you're talking to Judith, say something like, "Well, I'm so glad you came to me
directly and
that we had the opportunity to talk about it. I understand your position, and it sounds like you understand
mine.
I'm still invested in your development and would like to work with you on getting the experience you need.
What
are your thoughts?"
RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT STRATEGY #3 CONTINUED
6. Keep in touch. The resolution to a tough conversation needs more attention even after you leave it,
so check progress frequently, ask the other person if he or she is satisfied, and keep in touch as you
move
forward. You are half of what it takes to keep a relationship oiled and running smoothly. In regard to
Judith,
meeting with her regularly to talk about her career advancement and promotion potential would continue
to show
her that you care about her progress.
In the end, when you enter a tough conversation, prepare yourself to take the high road, not be defensive,
and remain open by practicing the strategies above. Instead of losing ground with someone in a
conversation
like this, it can actually become a moment that solidifies your relationship going forward.
* This is relationship management strategy #17 from pages 219-223 of the Emotional Intelligence 2.0
book.
MY EQ LESSONS
This section contains four EQ Lessons that will help you actively increase your understanding of, and
capacity for,
each EQ skill. Emotional intelligence is very different from traditional intelligence (IQ). With IQ, it is
understood
that you are generally as smart now as you are ever going to be. People learn new facts but their
intelligence, or
their ability to learn, remains largely the same. Emotional intelligence is a flexible skill that can be readily
learned.
People increase their emotional intelligence by working on the skills outlined in this learning system.
Research shows that people improve their EQ most when the following conditions are present:
• They have a strong motivation to learn or change
• They practice new behaviors consistently
• They seek feedback on their own behavior
How To Master A New Skill
Any time you are acquiring a new skill, remember the best
path for doing something new or different looks like this:
• Find someone who is good at it.
• Watch that person do it.
• Get that person to talk about how they do it.
• Practice doing it yourself with his or her guidance.
• Ask the person to give you feedback.
• Practice doing it on your own.
• Seek feedback until you've mastered it.
Change can be a little...
Embarrassing, because as you practice new things, the very people who feel you ought to change may
poke fun
at you, forget to encourage you along the way, or not even notice. Don't give up. The rewards will
outweigh these
challenges because you will be better positioned personally and professionally than you ever were
before.
How to handle it when you feel embarrassed:
• Say, "I could really use a little support here."
• Tell people you are serious about getting better at this. Most likely, they will become your allies.
• Ask for help and suggestions.
Change can also be a little...
Frustrating, because old habits and behaviors (what you say and do) can be difficult to change.
How to handle it when you feel frustrated:
• Remind yourself that change takes time and practice.
• Remind yourself that it's OK not to know.
• Find someone who handles change well. Ask how it's done.
• Find someone who can encourage you.
Change can also be terrific. It surprises most people how a little bit of change in the right direction
can go
a long way in the eyes of others. Good luck and have fun with it!
SELF-AWARENESS LESSON
To increase your self-awareness, you need to discover things you tend to do, say, think, and feel that you
have
previously failed to notice or understand. This process can be uncomfortable because some of the things
you'll
discover are unflattering or things you'll want to improve. That said, it's much less painful to seek out this
information on your own than wait until someone brings it to your attention.
How does Dan increase his self-awareness the hard way?
She's had enough. Dan gets defensive. Dan realizes he's wrong.
She's had enough.
Being in a relationship with Dan means Beth is frequently subjected to his bad moods. She finally realizes
that
he's so annoyed with everyone because he's unhappy with himself. Beth knows Dan won't change until
he
understands this. So, she breaks it down for him.
Dan gets defensive.
Like most people in his position, Dan is quick to point out justifications for his behavior. Dan genuinely
believes
he's so annoyed because people are so annoying. Beth's feedback doesn't even begin to hit home until
he
realizes that venti means "twenty."
Dan realizes he's wrong.
By the time Dan gets to work and discusses the morning's events with a friend, it's clear that Beth's
feedback has
had a chance to sink in. Not only does Dan think Beth is right, but Dan's coworker also agrees with her.
The more
Dan thinks about Beth's feedback, the more he begins to see what is making him so frustrated.
SELF-AWARENESS TIP
To increase your self-awareness, you need to embrace feedback with open arms. Research shows that
the vast
majority of people struggle to see themselves as others see them, and the most accurate picture of
anyone's
behavior comes from those around them. The best way to find out what others see is to ask them. Asking
for
feedback is easy—hearing it without getting defensive is not.
Seeking feedback is difficult for most people. It can be scary when you are afraid to finally find out what
people
really think of you. Nonetheless, feedback from others won't do you any good if you're not open and
receptive to
other people's perspectives, especially when they differ from your own.
Here's a process you can follow to seek feedback that will increase your self-awareness:
• Seek out a trusted friend or colleague and ask this person if he or she would be willing to share his
or her thoughts about you with you. A "real" feedback discussion is bound to have some difficult
moments, so you need to find someone with whom you can work through these moments
comfortably.
• Explain to your selected person that you are working on increasing your self-awareness as a result
of taking the Emotional Intelligence Appraisal. Tell him or her what emotional intelligence is and
describe some of your goals for improving your emotional intelligence (EQ).
SELF-AWARENESS LESSON CONTINUED
• Ask this person to share with you what he or she sees and thinks regarding your ability to
understand and respond effectively to your emotions. Be sure to get information on things that
aren't readily apparent to you.
• The following questions should help this conversation:
• Are there specific situations where, or people with whom, I tend to let my emotions get the best of
me?
• Is there anything I do too much? That is, can I tone down a certain behavior?
• What holds me back from managing my emotions effectively?
SELF-MANAGEMENT LESSON
It's easy to think that good self-management is as simple as controlling explosive emotional outbursts.
Although
you do need to control outbursts, your emotions have a negative impact on your behavior in other, less
obvious
ways.
In the following clip from Erin Brockovich, both characters demonstrate poor self-management. As you
watch the
clip, see if you can pick up on the self-management mistakes each character makes.
Who does what?
She starts things off right. He pushes her buttons. She loses her cool.
She starts things off right.
When you have an uncomfortable interaction with another person, the range and intensity of your
emotions are
bound to change as the situation unfolds. Erin starts the meeting off right by remaining calm and listening
to what
Ed has to say.
He pushes her buttons.
Becoming a better self-manager requires taking an honest look at all the ways your emotions create
problems for
you. In Ed's case, having fun with Erin at her expense was a poor choice. Not only does Ed end up
looking bad,
but he also ruins what would have otherwise been a great moment for them to share.
She loses her cool.
When people push your buttons, powerful emotions rush to the surface. Effective self-managers keep
tabs on
their emotions throughout a difficult conversation, so that they know when their buttons are being pushed
and can
respond accordingly. In Erin's case, she could have avoided falling into Ed's trap by asking to see the
check
before taking the discussion any further.
SELF-MANAGEMENT TIP
An uncontrolled emotional outburst—even though it may make you feel better temporarily—can do major
harm to
your relationships. When your relationships are not voluntary, such as with your colleagues at work,
minimizing
this type of damage is essential to the health and productivity of your relationship.
SOCIAL AWARENESS LESSON
Your ability to recognize and understand others' opinions—and the emotions that come with them—is
critical to
the quality of your relationships. Putting yourself in the other person's shoes—taking the time to really
understand
his or her point of view, whether you agree with it or not—is what social awareness is all about.
In this clip from October Sky, Homer greets his father after having just returned home from winning the
national
science fair. Homer has a difficult relationship with his father, who doesn’t understand Homer’s
fascination with
rockets and is the only member of the town who hasn’t attended a single launch.
Homer lets his father speak his mind.
To demonstrate social awareness, first you have to let people speak their minds. For most of us, this is
relatively
easy. That is, until we're convinced that we know what the other person is saying. That's when we cut
people off,
allow our minds to wander, and completely miss what's really going on.
Homer speaks directly to his father's feelings.
Homer's confidence in directly addressing his father is bolstered by a keen read of the man. Homer's
father may
hold the authority, but that doesn't mean he doesn't need to feel heard. Homer knows the only way to get
through
to his father is to address his concerns directly, and Homer does so with a powerful effect.
As you can see from the clip, directly addressing the feelings and concerns of others is often the best way
to go.
However, before you can do that, you have to become skilled at recognizing and reading other people's
emotions.
To get better at picking up on others' emotional cues, seek out trusted friends or colleagues with whom
you can
have a frank conversation about your quest for improved social awareness. The next time they tell you
about
something they experienced or something important to them, check in with them on the following:
• Tell them your perception of what they are going through and see if it is accurate. Don't be afraid to
ask the kinds of questions you really can't ask during a typical conversation.
• Finally, ask them if they were attempting to deliver any unspoken messages. Sometimes people
just don't want to say flat out how they feel about something, so they drop hints. If they did, this is a
great opportunity to see if you picked up on them.
Who will you try this with?
RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT LESSON
Remember that emotions play a role in every interaction you have with another person, whether you are
aware of
them or not. Emotions often influence the “back and forth” between two people more than the words
being said.
The ability to spot emotions in the midst of an interaction, understand their influence, and respond
effectively is
the essence of relationship management. This can be very hard to do.
What happens between these two?
Chris disappoints his son. Chris recognizes his mistake. Chris makes a repair.
Chris disappoints his son.
Chris, thinking that he is protecting his son from future disappointment and failure, tries to be realistic with
him.
Instead, Chris's words destroy what little fun the boy gets to have with his hard-working father.
Chris recognizes his mistake.
Chris notices his son's dejected behavior. Chris realizes that, even though he meant well, his words did
not have
their intended effect. As Chris pauses to reflect, he realizes his own struggles with success and failure
tainted the
message. Where this realization would make most people defensive, Chris has the ability to stay focused
on his
son's feelings.
Chris makes a repair.
Chris repairs the broken conversation by acknowledging his mistake in discouraging his son's dream. The
earnestness in Chris's voice shows his son he cares deeply about him, even though Chris's words don't
say this
directly. It's obvious that Chris remembers all of the times that he's been told he can't do something, and
he uses
these memories to empathize with his son's feelings.
MY EQ SCORES
Thank you for completing the Emotional Intelligence Appraisal®. You are now in a customized learning
program
that is based upon your emotional intelligence scores. This program will teach you about emotional
intelligence
(EQ), reveal what your current skill levels are, and tell you what you can do to improve.
WHAT DOES EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE LOOK LIKE?
The four parts of the emotional intelligence model are based upon a connection between what you see
and what
you do with yourself and others.
©
WHAT THE SCORES MEAN
Scores on the Emotional Intelligence Appraisal® come from a "normed" sample. That means your scores
are
based on a comparison to the general population. Read the following descriptions to better understand
what your
scores mean about your current skill level.
Score Meaning
90-100
A STRENGTH TO CAPITALIZE ON
These scores are much higher than average and indicate a noteworthy strength.
These strengths probably come naturally to you or exist because you have worked
hard to develop them. Seize every opportunity to use these emotionally intelligent
behaviors to maximize your success. You are highly competent in this skill, so work
to capitalize on it and achieve your potential.
80-89
A STRENGTH TO BUILD ON
This score is above average. However, there are a few situations where you don't
demonstrate emotionally intelligent behavior. There are many things you've done
well to receive this score and a few that could be better with some practice. Study
the behaviors for which you received this score and consider how you can polish
your skills.
70-79
WITH A LITTLE IMPROVEMENT, THIS COULD BE A STRENGTH
You are aware of some of the behaviors for which you received this score, and you
are doing well with them. Other emotionally intelligent behaviors in this group are
holding you back. Lots of people start here and see a big improvement in their
emotional intelligence once it's brought to their attention. Use this opportunity to
discover the difference and improve in the areas where you don't do as well.
60-69
SOMETHING YOU SHOULD WORK ON
This is an area where you sometimes demonstrate emotionally intelligent behavior
but not usually. You may be starting to let people down. Perhaps this is a skill area
that doesn't always come naturally for you or that you don't make use of. With a
little improvement in this skill, your credibility will go way up.
59 and Below
A CONCERN YOU MUST ADDRESS
This skill area is either a problem for you, you don't value it, or you didn't know it
was important. The bad news is your skills in this area are limiting your
effectiveness. The good news is this discovery and choosing to do something
about it will go a long way in improving your emotionally intelligent behavior.
NOW FOR THE NUMBERS...
Your Overall Emotional Intelligence Score: 74
Personal Competence: 84
The collective power of your self-awareness and self-management skills. It's how you use emotional
intelligence in situations that are more about you privately.
Self-Awareness 82
Your ability to accurately perceive your emotions and stay aware of them as they happen. This includes
keeping on top of how you tend to respond to specific situations and certain people.
Self-Management 85
Your ability to use awareness of your emotions to stay flexible and positively direct your behavior. This means
managing your emotional reactions to all situations and people.
Social Competence: 64
The combination of your social awareness and relationship management skills. It's more about how you are
with other people.
Social Awareness 67
Your ability to accurately pick up on emotions in other people and get what is really going on. This often means
understanding what other people are thinking and feeling, even if you don't feel the same way.
Relationship Management 61
Your ability to use awareness of your emotions and the emotions of others to manage interactions
successfully. Letting emotional awareness guide clear communication and effective handling of conflict.
MY EQ STRATEGIES
This section analyzes your score profile to suggest the three EQ strategies that will increase your EQ the
most.
Start your EQ skill development with: RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT
Complete descriptions of your recommended relationship management strategies (listed in the table
below) can
be found on the pages that follow.
What brings your score down most: What you can do to improve:
Not being open and willing enough to explain
yourself to others.
Explain Your Decisions, Don't Just Make Them:
Relationship management strategy #13 on pages
208-210 of the Emotional Intelligence 2.0 book.
Not getting to know the people around you well
enough.
Be Open and Be Curious:
Relationship management strategy #1 on pages
180-182 of the Emotional Intelligence 2.0 book.
Handling conflict ineffectively. Tackle a Tough Conversation:
Relationship management strategy #17 on pages
219-223 of the Emotional Intelligence 2.0 book.
RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT STRATEGY #1
Explain Your Decisions, Don't Just Make Them
It's frightening to be in a place you're not familiar with and be completely in the dark. Case in point—have
you
ever planned to go camping but got to the site in the dark? It's hard to get your bearings, you're setting up
a tent
in the dark, and because you're in the wilderness, it's just eerily quiet and black. You go to bed with one
eye
open and hope for the best.
The next day, you wake up tired and unzip your tent, and you're amazed at the beauty around you: water,
mountains, tree-lined trails, and cute little animals abound. There's nothing to be afraid of—you soon
forget last
night's anxieties, and you move about your day. What were you so worried about, anyway?
The only difference between these two scenarios is light—it's the same place, and you're with the same
people with the same gear. This is what people experience when decisions are made for them. When you
are in
the dark, intentionally or not, about upcoming layoffs, contract negotiations, and the like, you may as well
be
setting up camp in blackness. If there are layoffs that increase your workload or change your shift, you'll
find out
when the pink slips are handed out. If taxes are changed, you'll see it on your paycheck. No recourse, no
trial
period. It's a done deal.
That's a tough pill to swallow because we're not children or dependents; we're adults. To support an idea,
we need to understand why the decision was made.
When you use your EQ to manage relationships, keep this in mind. Instead of making a change and
expecting others to just accept it, take time to explain the why behind the decision, including alternatives,
and
why the final choice made the most sense. If you can ask for ideas and input ahead of time, it's even
better.
Finally, acknowledge how the decision will affect everyone. People appreciate this transparency and
openness,
even though the decision may negatively impact them. Transparency and openness also make people
feel like
they are trusted, respected, and connected to their organization—instead of being told what to do and
kept in the
dark.
If you have a habit of making decisions quickly and independently, you're likely very personally
competent.
Though old habits die hard, since they're ingrained in your brain's wiring, it's time to rewire and add social
competence to your decision-making repertoire.
First, you'll likely have to spot your upcoming decisions. Take out your calendar to look over the next
three
months to identify which decisions will need to be made by then. Now work backward and see who will be
impacted by these decisions. Make a complete list of who will be affected by each decision and plan on
when
and where you will talk together about each, including the details that explain why and how each decision
will be
made. If you have to invite people to a special meeting for just this purpose, so be it. As you plan your
agenda
and your words, use your social awareness skills to put yourself in the shoes of others, so you can speak
to your
audience before and after you make the decision as they would expect and hope.
* This is relationship management strategy #13 from pages 208-210 of the Emotional Intelligence 2.0
book.
RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT STRATEGY #2
Be Open and Be Curious
We can imagine a few readers thinking, "Oh brother, I have to be open and curious with people at work?
Can I
just work on my projects and what I was hired to do, minus the touchy-feely stuff?" Actually, establishing,
building, and maintaining relationships are all part of your job—even if you work with just one other
person.
Maintaining relationships may not be on your job description and may not have even been discussed, but
for you
to be successful, being open and curious is absolutely, unequivocally part of your job.
Let's explore what "open" means in terms of relationship management. Being open means sharing
information about yourself with others. You can use your self-management skills to choose how open you
are
and what you share, but know that there's a benefit to opening up that may help you with your choices:
when
people know about you, there's less room for them to misinterpret you. For example, if you are particularly
sensitive about showing up five minutes early to meetings, and get annoyed when people stroll in at the
very
beginning of the meeting or even a little late, some people might interpret you as being uptight and rigid. If
you
shared with these same people that you were in the Marines for the first years of your career, your
coworkers
would understand and maybe even appreciate your sense of timing and courtesy. Who knows, your
punctuality
might even rub off!
Being an open book on your end isn't the whole story with managing a relationship—you also need to be
interested in the other person's story as well. In other words, you need to be curious. The more you show
interest in and learn about the other person, the better shot you have at meeting his or her needs and not
misinterpreting them.
When you ask questions, draw from your social awareness skills to choose an appropriate setting and
time. Be inquisitive in your tone—similar to how Santa Claus asks a child what he'd like for Christmas.
The
opposite tone is judgmental—think of someone who's ever asked you a question like, "Why on earth did
you buy
a motorcycle?" or "You majored in philosophy? What did you plan to do with THAT?"
When you ask questions and this person opens up, you will not only learn information that will help you
manage the relationship, but the other person will also appreciate the interest shown in him or her. If you
are
beginning a new relationship, in an established one, or even if you're in a rough patch, take a few minutes
out of
your day to identify a few relationships that need some attention, and make time to be open and curious
with
these people.
* This is relationship management strategy #1 from pages 180-182 of the Emotional Intelligence 2.0 book.
RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT STRATEGY #3
Tackle a Tough Conversation
"Why did I get passed over for the promotion?" your staff member Judith asks with a slightly defensive
tone, a
wounded posture, and a quivering voice. This is going to be a tough one. The news leaked out early
about
Roger's promotion before you could speak with Judith. You value Judith and her work, but you'll need to
explain
that she's not ready for the next level yet. That's not the hardest part of this conversation—damage
control is
another story.
From the boardroom to the break room, tough conversations will surface, and it is possible to calmly and
effectively handle them. Tough conversations are inevitable; forget running from them because they're
sure to
catch up to you. Though EQ skills can't make these conversations disappear, acquiring some new skills
can
make these conversations a lot easier to navigate without ruining the relationship.
1. Start with agreement. If you know you are likely to end up in a disagreement, start your discussion
with the common ground you share. Whether it's simply agreeing that the discussion will be hard but
important or
agreeing on a shared goal, create a feeling of agreement. For example: "Judith, I first want you to know
that I
value you, and I'm sorry that you learned the news from someone other than me. I'd like to use this time
to
explain the situation, and anything else you'd like to hear from me. I'd also like to hear from you."
2. Ask the person to help you understand his or her side. People want to be heard—if they don't feel
heard, frustration rises. Before frustration enters the picture, beat it to the punch and ask the person to
share his
or her point of view. Manage your own feelings as needed, but focus on understanding the other person's
view.
In Judith's case, this would sound like, "Judith, along the way I want to make sure you feel comfortable
sharing
what's on your mind with me. I'd like to make sure I understand your perspective." By asking for Judith's
input,
you are showing that you care and have an interest in learning more about her. This is an opportunity to
deepen
and manage your relationship with Judith.
3. Resist the urge to plan a "comeback" or a rebuttal. Your brain cannot listen well and prepare to
speak at the same time. Use your self-management skills to silence your inner voice and direct your
attention to
the person in front of you. In this case, Judith has been passed up for a promotion that she was really
interested
in, and found out about it through the grapevine. Let's face it—if you'd like to maintain the relationship,
you need
to be quiet, listen to her shock and disappointment, and resist the urge to defend yourself.
4. Help the other person understand your side, too. Now it is your turn to help the other person
understand your perspective. Describe your discomfort, your thoughts, your ideas, and the reasons
behind your
thought process. Communicate clearly and simply; don't speak in circles or in code. In Judith's case, what
you
say can ultimately be great feedback for her, which she deserves. To explain that Roger had more
experience
and was more suited for the job at this time is an appropriate message. Since his promotion was leaked
to her in
an unsavory way, this is something that requires an apology. This ability to explain your thoughts and
directly
address others in a compassionate way during a difficult situation is a key aspect of relationship
management.
5. Move the conversation forward. Once you understand each other's perspective, even if there's
disagreement, someone has to move things along. In the case of Judith, it's you. Try to find some
common
ground again. When you're talking to Judith, say something like, "Well, I'm so glad you came to me
directly and
that we had the opportunity to talk about it. I understand your position, and it sounds like you understand
mine.
I'm still invested in your development and would like to work with you on getting the experience you need.
What
are your thoughts?"
RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT STRATEGY #3 CONTINUED
6. Keep in touch. The resolution to a tough conversation needs more attention even after you leave it,
so check progress frequently, ask the other person if he or she is satisfied, and keep in touch as you
move
forward. You are half of what it takes to keep a relationship oiled and running smoothly. In regard to
Judith,
meeting with her regularly to talk about her career advancement and promotion potential would continue
to show
her that you care about her progress.
In the end, when you enter a tough conversation, prepare yourself to take the high road, not be defensive,
and remain open by practicing the strategies above. Instead of losing ground with someone in a
conversation
like this, it can actually become a moment that solidifies your relationship going forward.
* This is relationship management strategy #17 from pages 219-223 of the Emotional Intelligence 2.0
book.
MY EQ LESSONS
This section contains four EQ Lessons that will help you actively increase your understanding of, and
capacity for,
each EQ skill. Emotional intelligence is very different from traditional intelligence (IQ). With IQ, it is
understood
that you are generally as smart now as you are ever going to be. People learn new facts but their
intelligence, or
their ability to learn, remains largely the same. Emotional intelligence is a flexible skill that can be readily
learned.
People increase their emotional intelligence by working on the skills outlined in this learning system.
Research shows that people improve their EQ most when the following conditions are present:
• They have a strong motivation to learn or change
• They practice new behaviors consistently
• They seek feedback on their own behavior
How To Master A New Skill
Any time you are acquiring a new skill, remember the best
path for doing something new or different looks like this:
• Find someone who is good at it.
• Watch that person do it.
• Get that person to talk about how they do it.
• Practice doing it yourself with his or her guidance.
• Ask the person to give you feedback.
• Practice doing it on your own.
• Seek feedback until you've mastered it.
Change can be a little...
Embarrassing, because as you practice new things, the very people who feel you ought to change may
poke fun
at you, forget to encourage you along the way, or not even notice. Don't give up. The rewards will
outweigh these
challenges because you will be better positioned personally and professionally than you ever were
before.
How to handle it when you feel embarrassed:
• Say, "I could really use a little support here."
• Tell people you are serious about getting better at this. Most likely, they will become your allies.
• Ask for help and suggestions.
Change can also be a little...
Frustrating, because old habits and behaviors (what you say and do) can be difficult to change.
How to handle it when you feel frustrated:
• Remind yourself that change takes time and practice.
• Remind yourself that it's OK not to know.
• Find someone who handles change well. Ask how it's done.
• Find someone who can encourage you.
Change can also be terrific. It surprises most people how a little bit of change in the right direction
can go
a long way in the eyes of others. Good luck and have fun with it!
SELF-AWARENESS LESSON
To increase your self-awareness, you need to discover things you tend to do, say, think, and feel that you
have
previously failed to notice or understand. This process can be uncomfortable because some of the things
you'll
discover are unflattering or things you'll want to improve. That said, it's much less painful to seek out this
information on your own than wait until someone brings it to your attention.
How does Dan increase his self-awareness the hard way?
She's had enough. Dan gets defensive. Dan realizes he's wrong.
She's had enough.
Being in a relationship with Dan means Beth is frequently subjected to his bad moods. She finally realizes
that
he's so annoyed with everyone because he's unhappy with himself. Beth knows Dan won't change until
he
understands this. So, she breaks it down for him.
Dan gets defensive.
Like most people in his position, Dan is quick to point out justifications for his behavior. Dan genuinely
believes
he's so annoyed because people are so annoying. Beth's feedback doesn't even begin to hit home until
he
realizes that venti means "twenty."
Dan realizes he's wrong.
By the time Dan gets to work and discusses the morning's events with a friend, it's clear that Beth's
feedback has
had a chance to sink in. Not only does Dan think Beth is right, but Dan's coworker also agrees with her.
The more
Dan thinks about Beth's feedback, the more he begins to see what is making him so frustrated.
SELF-AWARENESS TIP
To increase your self-awareness, you need to embrace feedback with open arms. Research shows that
the vast
majority of people struggle to see themselves as others see them, and the most accurate picture of
anyone's
behavior comes from those around them. The best way to find out what others see is to ask them. Asking
for
feedback is easy—hearing it without getting defensive is not.
Seeking feedback is difficult for most people. It can be scary when you are afraid to finally find out what
people
really think of you. Nonetheless, feedback from others won't do you any good if you're not open and
receptive to
other people's perspectives, especially when they differ from your own.
Here's a process you can follow to seek feedback that will increase your self-awareness:
• Seek out a trusted friend or colleague and ask this person if he or she would be willing to share his
or her thoughts about you with you. A "real" feedback discussion is bound to have some difficult
moments, so you need to find someone with whom you can work through these moments
comfortably.
• Explain to your selected person that you are working on increasing your self-awareness as a result
of taking the Emotional Intelligence Appraisal. Tell him or her what emotional intelligence is and
describe some of your goals for improving your emotional intelligence (EQ).
SELF-AWARENESS LESSON CONTINUED
• Ask this person to share with you what he or she sees and thinks regarding your ability to
understand and respond effectively to your emotions. Be sure to get information on things that
aren't readily apparent to you.
• The following questions should help this conversation:
• Are there specific situations where, or people with whom, I tend to let my emotions get the best of
me?
• Is there anything I do too much? That is, can I tone down a certain behavior?
• What holds me back from managing my emotions effectively?
SELF-MANAGEMENT LESSON
It's easy to think that good self-management is as simple as controlling explosive emotional outbursts.
Although
you do need to control outbursts, your emotions have a negative impact on your behavior in other, less
obvious
ways.
In the following clip from Erin Brockovich, both characters demonstrate poor self-management. As you
watch the
clip, see if you can pick up on the self-management mistakes each character makes.
Who does what?
She starts things off right. He pushes her buttons. She loses her cool.
She starts things off right.
When you have an uncomfortable interaction with another person, the range and intensity of your
emotions are
bound to change as the situation unfolds. Erin starts the meeting off right by remaining calm and listening
to what
Ed has to say.
He pushes her buttons.
Becoming a better self-manager requires taking an honest look at all the ways your emotions create
problems for
you. In Ed's case, having fun with Erin at her expense was a poor choice. Not only does Ed end up
looking bad,
but he also ruins what would have otherwise been a great moment for them to share.
She loses her cool.
When people push your buttons, powerful emotions rush to the surface. Effective self-managers keep
tabs on
their emotions throughout a difficult conversation, so that they know when their buttons are being pushed
and can
respond accordingly. In Erin's case, she could have avoided falling into Ed's trap by asking to see the
check
before taking the discussion any further.
SELF-MANAGEMENT TIP
An uncontrolled emotional outburst—even though it may make you feel better temporarily—can do major
harm to
your relationships. When your relationships are not voluntary, such as with your colleagues at work,
minimizing
this type of damage is essential to the health and productivity of your relationship.
SOCIAL AWARENESS LESSON
Your ability to recognize and understand others' opinions—and the emotions that come with them—is
critical to
the quality of your relationships. Putting yourself in the other person's shoes—taking the time to really
understand
his or her point of view, whether you agree with it or not—is what social awareness is all about.
In this clip from October Sky, Homer greets his father after having just returned home from winning the
national
science fair. Homer has a difficult relationship with his father, who doesn’t understand Homer’s
fascination with
rockets and is the only member of the town who hasn’t attended a single launch.
Homer lets his father speak his mind.
To demonstrate social awareness, first you have to let people speak their minds. For most of us, this is
relatively
easy. That is, until we're convinced that we know what the other person is saying. That's when we cut
people off,
allow our minds to wander, and completely miss what's really going on.
Homer speaks directly to his father's feelings.
Homer's confidence in directly addressing his father is bolstered by a keen read of the man. Homer's
father may
hold the authority, but that doesn't mean he doesn't need to feel heard. Homer knows the only way to get
through
to his father is to address his concerns directly, and Homer does so with a powerful effect.
As you can see from the clip, directly addressing the feelings and concerns of others is often the best way
to go.
However, before you can do that, you have to become skilled at recognizing and reading other people's
emotions.
To get better at picking up on others' emotional cues, seek out trusted friends or colleagues with whom
you can
have a frank conversation about your quest for improved social awareness. The next time they tell you
about
something they experienced or something important to them, check in with them on the following:
• Tell them your perception of what they are going through and see if it is accurate. Don't be afraid to
ask the kinds of questions you really can't ask during a typical conversation.
• Finally, ask them if they were attempting to deliver any unspoken messages. Sometimes people
just don't want to say flat out how they feel about something, so they drop hints. If they did, this is a
great opportunity to see if you picked up on them.
Who will you try this with?
RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT LESSON
Remember that emotions play a role in every interaction you have with another person, whether you are
aware of
them or not. Emotions often influence the “back and forth” between two people more than the words
being said.
The ability to spot emotions in the midst of an interaction, understand their influence, and respond
effectively is
the essence of relationship management. This can be very hard to do.
What happens between these two?
Chris disappoints his son. Chris recognizes his mistake. Chris makes a repair.
Chris disappoints his son.
Chris, thinking that he is protecting his son from future disappointment and failure, tries to be realistic with
him.
Instead, Chris's words destroy what little fun the boy gets to have with his hard-working father.
Chris recognizes his mistake.
Chris notices his son's dejected behavior. Chris realizes that, even though he meant well, his words did
not have
their intended effect. As Chris pauses to reflect, he realizes his own struggles with success and failure
tainted the
message. Where this realization would make most people defensive, Chris has the ability to stay focused
on his
son's feelings.
Chris makes a repair.
Chris repairs the broken conversation by acknowledging his mistake in discouraging his son's dream. The
earnestness in Chris's voice shows his son he cares deeply about him, even though Chris's words don't
say this
directly. It's obvious that Chris remembers all of the times that he's been told he can't do something, and
he uses
these memories to empathize with his son's feelings.
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