Edit proofread, check grammar and the developing of the story.

Anonymous
timer Asked: Feb 5th, 2019
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Question Description

This is for English 12. The main focus is grammar and the developing of story.

find attached document check grammar and sentence construction

make sure you ensure flow and good english

check grammar typos and issues

thank you

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When the last beam of light disappears, the darkness had taken over. Irene was the previous few students that leave the school at eight pm. Looking back at the old building; the light through the window is nearly dying. Shadows of the trees are moving back and forth like people that are chasing each other around. An old man wearing an old fashion T-shirt and hat is sitting beside the office by the front gate. He is nearly falling asleep. He had been watching the Sanya No.3 Middle School entrance for more than 30 years, and he knows everyone in the school well. As Irene wave to the old man, the old man stopped her and told her to wait for a few minutes. He slowly walks into the office and grabs a lunch box to her. Irene opens the box up, and there was chicken, rice, and some veggies in there. He said: "You are still growing! Eat more! Need anything say it, and I will do the best to help!" Before talking to the old man, the whole day was a disaster to Irene; she had forgotten to bring her homework which got her inattention, her cousin and some of her friends bullied her as usual. When Irene thinks of her step-sister, it reminded her of the family. The family only is the blood relative to her; they do not help with anything due to the power she has. Irene's parent had passed away since her age was thirteen. After the death of her parent, she started to go by herself to different hunted places. Soon it becomes a habit. So after the long day, she began to search for a new location. During her time at home, no one cares about her, so she never had to talk to anyone. Only times where she s notice is when they want to know something using her power. She could see the future whenever she wants and prevent bad things from happening. One day when Irene is heading out of school at around 8 pm like usual, she notices a man wearing a black hat is running toward the office building where all the teacher use. He is holding on to a backpack; when he was running, he is also looking behind constantly like someone was chasing him. The sky was darker than any other days; the wind was howling, and tree branches were flying everywhere. Irene thought that the man might be one of a teacher forgetting to bring something, so she started to run toward home. As she stands on the doorstep, the rain begins to pour down. Irene went into the house quietly as the whole family is eating dinner at the table. She went into the kitchen to search for food, but there were locks on every cabinet. "HA HA! Surprise! We knew you were going to steal our food!" said the younger cousin. The more immature cousin name is Jessica, she loves to make up bad ideas for others to "enjoy." "If you want to eat you have to work for us!" says the aunt. After the death of Irene's parent, her aunt and the whole family had moved into Irene's house saying that the house is theirs. So she could do nothing about it. Irene slowly walks toward her room which is the smallest in the whole house. She decided not to eat because she does not have money. Her wish right now is to find a job and live outside with classmates. That night, she had a dream about a man wearing an old fashion hat...hmmm...she wonders where she had seen this guy before. He was holding onto something in a bag, looking back at a building running forward. Suddenly, she woke up; the sky is still dark, and winds are still blowing. She walks toward the window, and there's her reflection on the window, the world had all the sudden become silent. There, she saw a girl running toward a man and a woman, she was happy. The girl was holding on to a big lollipop and unexpectedly the ground on the man, and the woman's side crashed. Irene woke up, and the sky was bright, she had dreamed about the dream again. When Irene finished her lunch at the cafeteria, she saw a police car driving into the schoolyard. Students were backing away from the vehicle as they don't want any trouble link toward them. Irene thought the police might just check for safety, so she went back to class. At around three pm, a leader of the teachers came to the door and asked to bring five students down for questions. Everyone started to mumble, as the teacher looks back at them and says: "silent!" Soon, it was Irene's turn. She walked toward the office, and there were police and the principle. The principal told Irene that she was the last few students leaving the schoolyard and the old man in the front gate office can prove that. "Yes, I had left the school around eight pm from the main building. I was studying for my test for Math," said Irene. She realizes that something terrible is happening. "I had always left the school at eight pm, and you may ask the old man." "Yes, we know. Have you seen strangers lately?" say the police. "I'm not sure about that, but I have seen a guy wearing a black hat running toward the office. He looks like one of the students." Irene said. "Did you see his face?" the police ask. "Umm... His face looks like a doll; his face was whiter than paper, and his eyes were very dark," Irene shook her body. "And I remember that when I was at the gate, I turned around and saw half of his face looking at me. He was behind the door; it was horrifying." When the police left, the class were over. Just like yesterday, the night was dark and windy. The teacher had told everyone to go home at four pm because of what had happened. That night, Irene had another nightmare. She saw a desk with papers of with red marks on there, and then a sudden scene of the man, the man she saw at the school. Same as at school, the man was looking from the corner with eyes wide open staring at her. Irene jumped out of bed; it was still dark. She went down to the kitchen and grabbed a bottled of cold water, and the coldness had wake her up. After seeing the man twice with the same facial expression, it will never be forgettable. She soon realizes that the room was somewhere she had been before, but it was a long, long time ago. Irene sat beside the fridge and started to think about all the friends she had back before high school, but none fits. The next day when Irene is walking toward the school, she decided that after so many making fun of the power she wants to change how her families look at her even if they still don't like her. At least they won't make fun at her parent and say that she is the reason why they died. After the whole night of thinking, Irene finally figured out where the room might be and when she had gone there before. She started running toward the office building. When she gets into the building teachers were looking toward her. Irene asked to look through the yearbooks, and the teacher gives it to her. She went searching for the year and the name that the friend was in, and after hours she finally finds it. The girl was looking more mature in the same age group. Her eyes were unusual big just like the man. Irene sat on the bench in the park; the old memory had drowned her back to the past when her parent was alive. When she was small, she remembers that her parent always brings her to the Orphanage to visit the children. They always bring boxes of foods and toys to share with them. Every winter Irene's parent would bring new warm clothes for the children to wear. In the orphanage, there is always one girl who does not talk. She likes to sit under a plum tree; the plum tree is tall, and every year it grows small bitter plum that no one wants but the girl. Irene grew up with the girl, not everyday friend but at least they talk to each other more they talk to others. The girl once told Irene that her parents had killed her brother because of her, but the girl never tells her why. The memory ended when someone decided the raise the girl, from the beginning the girl she had never give Irene her name. It was not until today that she saw the name on the yearbook. Because the girl isn't birth by the new family, the hostess hates her, and everybody from the school knows. Irene knew that if she doesn't help her childhood friend she might end up tragic again. After dreaming about the guy in her friend's room, Irene knew that the man is her brother and he is back for revenge. The only thing she wants to know now is what is on the paper. Irene ran home and put her backpack down, and she put on lose cloth and charged her phone until full. She then went out and walked toward the most unsafe area in Sanya. The girl was not only well-known of how the parent treats her and also of where she lives. The night is getting dark, and because Sanya is near the sea weather could change in a second. Winds are starting to blow its way into the buildings and clouds gathering toward the moon. She walks carefully into the dark street, and there was only one window with lights shining out. Irene looks inside, and the girl was fighting over with a stack of paper on the desk, Irene listened for a while and remembered where her house is and start walking back home as the stepmother of the girl won't like her friends to visit their house. Irene thought that night as her plan would be that the next morning the stepmom would tell everyone and at that time she would look for the girl's brother, and because she had said to the police and the principal about it in the phone, they had agreed on it. The next day, things went with the plan, and the police had successfully caught the man. His look had scared away many people because of his pale face and giant eyes. He did not feel any regret for making the plan on his sister because she is the cause why the original parent would kill him. The man said that his parent though that he would die, but someone passing by had seen him and brought him to the hospital. At that time he was only four years old. When the man was talking to the police, Irene's aunt and cousins had come. They were still treating Irene as usual, but from the way of their expression, everybody knows that they are jealous because now Irene was considered for a full scholarship to study in the Peking University which is one of the best universities in China. The principal told Irene that the document was extremely important to the school, because it is an evident toward an event that happened before. It is also an evident that would depend if the school could still be open for the student to go. As Irene graduated high school, she and a friend went to Beijing. The friend was the girl from childhood, and her name is Niyah. They went to hunted houses all over the world and were better than any other friends. Reflected Paragraph Through the progress of my short story, I had made mistakes but had successfully solved it. In the progress, I had made mistakes like writing off topic paragraphs, wrote in the wrong part and also had hard times finding the right words to use. I had look online for how to write a good story and did many research on writing my own story. Had learned many different styles and finally had written out mine. My inspiration of the story is that I want to write a different story, a story that is new for the reader to enjoy. I chose to write a sentimental and ironic story because many children are facing homeless, and when they grow up there is nothing to support them. Overall I had written out the story in my head. I am satisfied with the outcome of my short story. Next time I hope to include more upper level words and have a better and neater when planning the story. ...
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Tutor Answer

TutorJasonKlarke
School: Cornell University

Hey therešŸ˜‰ šŸ˜Š your work is ready. Kindly go through it keenly and let me know your feedback. I will be here to help you in case of any revisions. Thank YoušŸ˜‡ šŸ˜Ž

When the last beam of light disappeared, darkness had taken over. Irene was among the
few students that usually leave the school at eight pm. Looking back at the old building;
the light through the window was nearly dying. Shadows of the trees were moving back
and forth like people that were chasing each other around. An old man wearing an old
fashion T-shirt and hat was sitting beside the office by the front gate. He was nearly
falling asleep. He had been watching over the Sanya No.3 Middle School entrance for
more than 30 years, and he knew everyone in the school well. As Irene waved to the old
man, the old man stopped her and told her to wait for a few minutes. He slowly walked
into the office and grabbed a lunch box and gave it to her. Irene opened the box up, and
there was chicken, rice, and some veggies in the lunch box. He said: "You are still
growing! You need to eat more! If you need anything, let me know, and I will do my best
to help!"

Before talking to the old man, the whole day was a disaster to Irene. She had forgotten
to bring her homework which got her attention, her cousin and some of her friends
bullied her as usual. When Irene thought of her step-sister, she reminded her of her
family. The only blood relative family she had never helped with anything due to the
power she had. Irene's parents had passed away when she was thirteen. After the death
of her parents, she started going to different hunted places all by herself and soon it
became a habit. So, at the end of each long day, she would search for a new place.
During her time at home, no one cared about her, so she never had to talk to anyone.
The only time when she was noticed is only when they wanted to know something using
her power. She could see the future whenever she wanted and prevented bad things
from happening. One day when Irene was heading home from school at around 8 pm as
usual, she noticed a man wearing a black hat running towards the teachersā€™ office
building. He was holding a backpack, as he was running, and he was looking behind
constantly as if someone was chasing after him. The sky was darker than any other days;
and the wind was howling making the tree branches to fly everywhere. Irene thought
that the man might be one of the teachers who had forgotten something, so she started
running towards home. As she stood on the doorstep, the rain began to pour down.
Irene went into the house quietly, the whole family was eating dinner at the table. She
went into the kitchen to search for food, but all cabinets were locked.

"Ha ha! Surprise! We knew you were going to steal our food!" said the younger cousin.
The younger cousinsā€™ name was Jessica, she loved to make up bad ideas for others to
"enjoy."

"If you want to eat you have to work for us!" said the aunt.

After the death of Irene's parents, her aunt and the whole family moved into Irene's
house claiming that the house was theirs so she could do nothing about it. Irene slowly
walked towards her room which was the smallest in the whole house. She decided not
to eat because she did not have any money with her. Her wish at that moment was to
find a job and live outside with her classmates. That night, she had a dream about a man
wearing an old fashion hat...hmmm...she wondered where she had seen that guy before.
He was holding onto something in a bag, and was constantly looking back while running
towards a building ahead of him. Suddenly, she woke up; the sky was still dark, and wind
was still blowing. She walked towards the window, and she saw her reflection on the
window, the world all of a sudden became silent. There, she saw a girl running towards
a man and a woman, and the girl was happy. The girl was holding on to a big lollipop.
Suddenly, the ground on which the man and the woman were standing on collapsed.
Irene woke up, and the sky was bright, she had dreamt about the dream again.
When Irene finished her lunch at the cafeteria, she saw a police car driving into the
schoolyard. Students were backing away from the vehicle as they didnā€™t want any
trouble linked with them. Irene thought that the police might just be there to check for
safety, so she went back to class. At around three pm, the principal came to the door
and asked to take five students down for questions. Everyone started to mumble, as the
teacher looked back at the students and instructed them to be silent. Soon, it was
Irene's turn. She walked into the office, and there were police and the principal. The
principal told Irene that she was a...

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Anonymous
awesome work thanks

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