How can i make my conclusion to me essay sound better?

label English
account_circle Unassigned
schedule 1 Day
account_balance_wallet $5

I believe that criminals can get away with subtle punishment if they have the looks for it, their skin color is society’s favorite, or if they have fame. Males and females use their power as an advantage to sneak away from prison and still be shown love by others. Is the system messing up? Or is society letting criminals be the new face of God’s angels?

Sep 1st, 2015

Hi there! Thank you for the opportunity to help you with your question!

Your phrases are in italics. My comments and suggestions are bolded

In general, strong conclusions are usually based on facts, rather than opinions. So the phrase "I believe that criminals can get away with subtle punishment if they have the looks for it, their skin color is society’s favorite, or if they have fame.", since it is an opinion, is weak. You can use statistics, look for numbers. What percentage of drug arrests happen among Caucasians? African American? (I don't know the exact number, but you can look it up and have a sentence: "Statistics show that there seems to be a trend in criminal punishment in the United States. X% of drug arrests involve _____ (race/ethnicity/whatever point you want to make)"

Next, "Males and females" is an extremely weak subject for a sentence. Always choose your subject carefully. You are not talking about all men and women, you are actually refering to "Powerful individuals"? "Rich Individuals"? "Well-connected individuals". These are specific groups, make for a better subject

Also, avoid casual speak. "sneak away", "messing up" are phrases we say to friends but don't work in written English. "avoid",  and "flawed" are good substitutes repeatedly.

Finally, the phrase  "Or is society letting criminals be the new face of God’s angels?" is poetic and flowery, but has no place in a serious essay. First of all, invoking religious symbols or any other cultural flowery comment just detracts from your general message. This is an essay about criminality, the prison system, it has no connection to religious imagery, I would just steer away from it. You want a last phrase that is meaningful, that suggests a new direction for the criminal system, or poses a serious question to the audience. 

Hope this helps

Please let me know if you need any clarification. Always glad to help!
Sep 1st, 2015

Forgot to mention in the text that the essay is a "This I Believe" type and i feel like my conclusion just doesnt mesh well.

Sep 1st, 2015

Then I think you can include an opinion, but it is always better to complement with facts. I believe my suggestions will help you convey your message better, giving precise statements.

Sep 1st, 2015

Did you know? You can earn $20 for every friend you invite to Studypool!
Click here to
Refer a Friend
...
Sep 1st, 2015
...
Sep 1st, 2015
Sep 23rd, 2017
check_circle
Mark as Final Answer
check_circle
Unmark as Final Answer
check_circle
Final Answer

Secure Information

Content will be erased after question is completed.

check_circle
Final Answer