Please discuss the one activity you have undertaken in your senior year of high school through your time at university that best demonstrates why you would be an asset to the business College. (250 word limit)

timer Asked: Mar 29th, 2019
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Question Description

can u use more sophisticated vocabulary and grammar

And please reset the whole essay's logic to make it looks more convincible and reasonable.

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When I was in high school, I participated in a mock stock competition held at our school. At the time, this activity was relatively cold, because the stock investment in my country was never been the first choice for people. Most people think that buying a house is the best option for investment. I learned from my teacher that stock investment can make money. The change in numbers can bring in profits, and I am very interested in it. I was very interested in numbers since I was a child, so I registered this competition with a curious mindset. We work in groups, one is responsible for collecting information about listed companies, and one is responsible for choosing to buy stocks. In the process, I realized the importance of teamwork and realized that unity is power. Teamwork is a good platform for learning from each other. A good team can work together to brainstorm and solve problems in different levels and directions. Therefore, I can get the best solution and the most correct choice in the team. The event lasted for three months and my team’s final rate of return was as high as 33.25%. Although all of this is fake, I am very satisfied with what I have learned. I decided to give it a try, so I borrowed a sum of money from my parents to invest in stocks. Half of the money I buy for a car is earned by myself through stock investment. I believe that the business college provides a portal that can expand the knowledge I have learned so that I can make great achievements in the financial industry in the future. ...
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Tutor Answer

School: Carnegie Mellon University

Here you go. In case of any further inputs, please let me know.All the best!I appreciate working with you!

Stock Market Competition
I took part in a Mock Stock Competition held in our school. Conversely, the competition
was essentially fundamental for it introduced the participants to the nature of stock investment
opportunities. I wanted to participate in the contest to learn critical information about the stock
market. I was highly interest...

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Good stuff. Would use again.

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