From: Andrew C. Kuchins (ed.). Russia A8er the Fall.
Carnegie Endowment for Interna?onal Peace, 2002.
Briefing.
Mikhail Zadornov, performed by Evgenii Petrosian
1987
Comrade tourists! You are going on a tour of Western Europe. During this trip you must
act cultured as soon as you get on the train. Do not act the way you do on a train here at home.
Do not litter in the train’s aisles. Do not smoke in your compartment. Do not open beer bottles
with your teeth. And do not throw empty cans and papers out of the windows just for the
excitement of seeing them fly through another compartment’s window. Do not try to pass for
foreigners. Remember! Our man is easily recognizable in any train in the world by his warm-up
suit, smoked sausage, and a bottle of vodka that he begins to guzzle right after putting on this
warm-up suit.
As experience has shown, when our tourists are in the West they seem to be especially
fascinated by automatic hotel doors. Comrades, do not try to see if the doors will have enough
time to open up after you take a running start at them.
Another thing. Experience shows that when our folks enter a hotel room they don’t
immediately understand the correct use of some items. We had this one guy who took off all his
clothes, climbed into the bath tub and began randomly pressing all the buttons, including the
button that activates the fire sprinklers. The sprinklers sprayed some sort of foam all over him.
This tourist was very happy. He immediately started to rub the foam all over himself with a
sponge. And then he told everyone about this wonderful service! Water falls from the ceiling
right along with the bath soap! And the soap was so powerful that it even washed off his tattoo
depicting “Ivan the Terrible Murdering His Son” from his chest.
Comrade tourists! Do not forget that you are going on this tourist trip to see masterpieces
of world art. At least brush up a little on the art of the countries before you go so you don’t
embarrass our country with your questions. We had this one bumpkin from Nechernozem’e who
asked his guide in the Louvre how many bushels of winter crops had been harvested from the
Champs Élysées this year. And another jet setter was wondering if it’s true that Maupassant was
a guide because his first name was “Guy de.”
Oh, also, one evening you will attend a concert of organ music in Cologne. Make sure
you take a good long nap before the concert, so that you don’t fall asleep during the Bach fugues
and start knocking heads every five minutes with the person sitting in front of you. And if you
snore stay away from the concert. We had this one tourist who fell asleep in the first row and
began producing such fugues of his own, that he had the whole back row in tears.
Before you go to a café, memorize a few words from the phrase book so that you don’t
blabber nonsense like: “Me, pleez, one kofe and one bulochka, and the sandwich is too
expensive, so pleez, it go to hell, koroche (in short – OM), me water.”
Now, with regards to your free time. Remember, according to the official regulations,
our citizens can only experience free time in groups of five. So, if anyone invites you over to
their house, do not refuse – we have democracy now. But remember to say: “There will be four
other people with me. They won’t eat anything. They will just sit there and listen.”
When you are in other people’s homes act cultured at the table. Remember! They use
forks and knives abroad! If you can’t remember this, then write it down somewhere. One eats a
piece of lemon after drinking cognac. One doesn’t drink a bottle of beer after drinking cognac.
Dry wine is to be consumed along with the main course, it’s not for you to take home with you.
Forks with two prongs are for eating the lemon, not for picking your teeth.
Translated by Olga M. Mesropova
Copyright © 2008 by Olga M. Mesropova
1
Also. Think before you respond to the foreigners’ provocative questions. They said to
one comrade: “We have just raised our unemployment benefits.” And he responded: “Well, we
did the exact same theing. We just raised our engineers’ salaries.” And when responding to the
questions: “Why don’t you have brothels? Where do Russians go to relax?” another tourist
answered “What do we need brothels for? We have sanatoriums. And they they are just as
good. Plus all the services are paid for by the trade unions.”
More about relaxation. We understand that the main form of relaxation for our tourists is
to go shopping. Keep in mind: there are no lines in their stores. So you don’t need to come to
the store at six in the morning with a pre-prepared enraged expression on your face. And don’t
try to buy enough clothes for your entire family on the amount of money that we will exchange
for you. That amount has been specially calculated for you to have exactly enough cash to buy
gifts for the tour organizers, have a cup of coffee, and look at the quality goods.
Also, don’t shop around for cheap stores. This one guy thought he had found one and
started trying on rain coats, coats, and pants. Turned out it was a dry cleaner’s.
And this other guy spotted some really inexpensive white shirts in a store window. So he
goes in the store and says: “Please, measure my neck, I want to buy myself a shirt.” The store
turned out to be a funeral supplies store. The tourist says: “Just make sure you measure really
well, so that the shirt doesn’t rub against me.” The sales girl says: “I’ve been working here for
quite a few years, no one has ever complained.” And then this comrade says: “Then I’ll buy
another one for my father-in-law. And do you have anything that I could buy as a gift for the guy
who arranged this trip for me?” The sales girl says: “Yes we do. We have a jacket with a zipper
on the back.” So when this comrade comes back home, he gives this jacket with a zipper on the
back to the guy who arranged the trip. The tour organizer says to him: “You’ll go abroad again
only when you see me wearing this jacket.”
And one last thing… Comrade men! Do not attempt to have an affair with foreign female
citizens! No matter how much they tell you they love you, don’t believe them! Remember! The
only woman who can fall in love with one of our men is a female CIA agent on a very special
assignment. All the other foreign female citizens know that the most our men abroad can
provide them is a souvenir pin from the 150th anniversary of the town of Syzran or the colorful
“Altai Mountains Billy Goats” postcard collection.
Now, sign here stating that you have listened to this briefing. This way later on you
won’t blame us when, despite all our warnings, you men sell black caviar and vodka to buy
enough neck ties to last your son’s lifetime, because ties that don’t offend his sense of dignity
will never be sold in our country.
That goes for you, too, ladies. After all the banquets and receptions you will, no doubt, be
collecting food leftovers into plastic bags to eat them the following morning in the hotel, instead
of going down to breakfast. This way you can save some cash to buy an extra pair of tights for
that growing daughter of yours.
And then some of you, to save even more money, will boil packets of powdered domestic
fish soup in your own little pot, at three in the morning, while forgetting to shut the door. And
this will trigger an international incident because everyone will think that those Russians have set
off some sort of tear-gas bomb.
In other words, we hope you return with bags filled with impressions!
It’s Time to Take Measures
Translated by Olga M. Mesropova
Copyright © 2008 by Olga M. Mesropova
2
Mikhail Zadornov, perf. Yevgenii Petrosian
1987
Of course we have lots of problems, but we shouldn’t be afraid to resolve them in a bold
fashion. For example, we have this problem of lines in stores. Statistics show that in the
rankings for the number of people simultaneously standing in lines, we are number one in the
world. So, since we can’t resolve the problem of lines, in the interest of taking care of our
citizens, we need to make these lines more comfortable. Let’s set up a few chairs and some
couches. If you come to buy green peas – here’s a lounge chair for you. If you come to buy
vodka – here’s a cot. We should also invite actors to perform for these lines. This way standing
in line will be a fun activity. An emcee should be singing songs with the crowd. Won’t it be
great: a man is sitting down in line singing all day long, “Wide is my dear country, full of forests,
fields, and rivers.” And he no longer cares that you can’t buy a pair of tights in this country.
Because, as the song says, there isn’t another country like this in the world.
Don’t be afraid of paradoxical solutions. For so many years we’ve been saying we do
things the way we should but everything just turns out wrong. Well, let’s start doing things the
wrong way and everything will turn out right. We want our refrigerators to be full of groceries?
Well, let’s make smaller refrigerators.
If we want people to be happy with their lives, let’s stop showing them Western films,
that way they won’t have anything for comparison. And if we do have to compare something,
let’s use the year 1913.
If we want to raise potato crops, let’s create more research institutes whose employees
can work in the fields.
If there is a problem – create an institute! If there are no problems – invent some!
Someone gave this matter a lot of thought and came up with the “Institute of Redirecting
Northern Rivers to Central Asia.” But that’s good but not enough. We can also create an
“Institute on Transporting Sand from Central Asia to Chukotka.” Think of all the beaches we
could create! Plus we’ll confuse all our enemies. They will completely lose track of what we
have and where we have it.
By the way, some steps have already been taken in this direction. Someone just had the
brilliant idea of beginning foreign trade. We sell timber to Finland, and they sell us fashionable
tank tops, socks, pants, and plastic bags made from by-products of our own timber. But we
could make these deals even more profitable. We could sell them oil, and they would sell us
buttons. Or we sell them gold and they could sell us thumb tacks. What else can we do when
our own thumb tacks don’t stick into anything? Our steel is only good for making tanks and
rockets, but not thumb tacks: they just get bent. The only thing our thumb tacks are good for is
putting them on a teacher’s chair. Because our tacks only stick on soft materials.
Along those same lines I must note: it is wrong to say that our products aren’t good for
anything. They are good. You just need to know when and how to use them. You can’t hear
music on your disc player? But it spins, doesn’t it? So, try sharpening your knives on it. That
candleholder gift set is good for self-defense. And our “Carnation” cologne is enough to make
mosquitoes suicidal.
Women complain that our domestic bras are impossible to wear. Judging by what they
have to say, they really are impossible. But what if we cut the bras in half and made them into
fashionable shoulder pads? And with the larger size bras we could make hats for the kids. And
extra large bras would make good ventilated traditional hats for people in Central Asia.
Translated by Olga M. Mesropova
Copyright © 2008 by Olga M. Mesropova
3
Cookies that cost 14 kopecks and are made of all-natural products – like baking soda,
sand, and lime – would be good for store window decorations. You could arrange these cookies
to spell out the slogan “Glory to Work!” in a bakery.
Of course, it is possible to use all our goods the way they were intended to be. But then
we should be stricter with our ministries. For example, our Light Industry Minister should be
sentenced to wearing domestic clothes, made with French templates, from our own fabrics. If
the French had seen those fabrics, they couldn’t have given us their templates in the first place.
And the Minister of Transportation should be periodically sentenced to travel in a night
train compartment with wet linens, a domestic air conditioner (the kind that blows carbon
monoxide into the compartment), and another passenger who has just eaten garlic and onions.
And he should be forced to ride all the way to Vladivostok without the right to leave the train.
What else? Things are fine with our healthcare system. There is even a folk saying that
our medical diagnosticians are the best in the world. Which is true. People die exactly from the
diseases they were being treated for.
What else? Secondary education? That’s easy. If we want children to do well in school,
we should start giving them financial incentives, just like in industry. If you get a “2” (F), you
pay a “5.” Then parents will really start doing homework with their kids. This way we’ll also
raise the cultural level of the parents. Once a little boy asked his Dad: “Dad, who wrote the book
‘Who is Happy in Russia?’” The Dad says: “You know, son, although we have glasnost now, I
can’t answer that question.”
We’re still not very strong in the field of industrial construction, so we should make more
deals with foreign companies. It took the French six months to build the 32-storey hotel
“Cosmos” in Moscow. They did it quietly, calmly. Without dirt blowing around. Not one
single foul word heard on the job site. And there were about one hundred of them working there.
Meanwhile, at a nearby jobsite 457 of our men were putting together a half- storey electrical
substation. After three years of construction, the children in the daycare center across the road
were playing a game called: “There is still no cement, and so to hell with it.”
But let’s not overdo it with the foreigners. This one comrade has recently proposed:
“Let’s sell gas, timber, buckwheat, whey, and sea-buckthorn oil to Japan. And in exchange they
can build developed socialism for us!” This is simply not right. We have already built socialism
ourselves. This socialism may not be very developed, but at least it’s ours.
What else? We have dealt with most of the West’s provocations by now. They have to
think real hard to find something negative they can say about us. But just as they think of
something bad to say, they discover that our newspapers have already written about it. Because
we have already done it before they could even think of it. Things that wouldn’t even occur to
normal people. The BBC is a children’s radio program compared to the stuff on Moscow News.
They say that out of desperation the West has decided to take really drastic measures
against us. They had planned to launch a satellite that would transmit their television programs
to our homes. This way they planned to corrupt our population. They would be showing horror
movies, sex… They would show us sex!!! But then they chickened out. Because we
immediately told them: “We’ll retaliate by launching our own television satellite. In the morning
we’ll show you “Rural Hour.” Then the “Health” program. This one is a real horror show.
Watch it once and you’ll never want to have sex again.”
Speaking of sex, lately, we’ve been reading a lot about this certain type of women, you
know the type that I mean, that until now supposedly didn’t exist in our country. Now that was a
real problem. They existed everywhere, except in our country. Now you can read all about them
Translated by Olga M. Mesropova
Copyright © 2008 by Olga M. Mesropova
4
in great detail. How they work, how much money they make, where they live, what they wear.
After all these news stories some of our young girls who graduate from trade schools decide not
to work in the fields they’ve been training for.
And can newspaper articles really eliminate this repulsive phenomenon? We should just
simply legalize the whole thing. We should create country’s first cooperative brothel. Strictly
adhere to all normal workforce rules. Give them a plan! Organize a socialist competition. Have
mentors. Make every female worker assume her personal responsibilities. Pictures of the best
workers should be displayed on the employee of the month board of fame. And those with
special talents can work overtime at home. And instead of money let’s pay them with awards.
They should also become patrons of our collective farms. Collective farmers would be very
happy to see these patrons.
And let’s make these women an official segment of our Light Industry. This way, once
the state is in charge of them, nobody will be interested in doing anything with them, and then
we really won’t have and of these women in our country.
In other words, if you try hard enough, you can solve any problem. Produce instructions,
monuments, print directives, and launch campaigns. But what does one do to get rid of
directives and campaigns forever? Nobody knows. Although I think I know one way. We
should change our economy so that the ruble costs its real value. And that rubles are paid to
those who actually work, and not only to those who just consume. Then we will build such a
socialism that those Japanese will be buying our electronics. And we will be buying their Sony
as raw material for our electronics… I don’t really know what I just said…
Anyway, even if we can’t do all this yet, there is still nothing to worry about. As long as
our country has lots of forests, fields, rivers, gas, buckwheat, sea-buckthorn oil, and whey, our
generation can survive any and all social experimentation.
Vasilii Stepanovich’s Dream
Arkadii Arkanov, perf. Evgenii Petrosian
1990
Vasilii Stepanovich had this strange dream where they introduced rationing coupons for
the fulfillment of marital duties and he loses the coupons. Marital duties are the kind of duties
that you would like to fulfill once in a while regardless of your religious beliefs, party
memberships, or racial prejudices. Even the most zealous radicals and pacifists will, every once
in a while, fulfill their marital duties, because, as Karl Marx so aptly noted, nothing human is
alien to them. You can trust Marx in these matters.
And so Vasilii Stepanovich appeals to his spouse: “Comrade Katerina, I am addressing
you on a strictly personal matter with regards to strengthening our connections and external
relations.”
And Katerina responds: “Please present your rationing coupon for the month of April,
comrade. Then I will gladly supply you with what is required, with no short-changing or
profiteering.”
Translated by Olga M. Mesropova
Copyright © 2008 by Olga M. Mesropova
5
Here Vasilii Stepanovich explains that he has lost his rationing coupons. He then asks
Katerina to allot his ration to him on next month’s coupon or, in the worst case, at the exorbitant
cooperative price. But his spouse Katerina takes a hard line. She assures Vasilii Stepanovich
that the government wasn’t playing games when it introduced these coupons. The rationing
coupons were intended as a measure to facilitate a smooth transition to regulated market
relationships, to fight against profiteering and the shadow economy, with the goal of satisfying
the demands of the still working – despite everything – population.
So deeply depressed Vasilii Stepanovich goes to his old friend, the pensioner of national
importance, Petushkov, and says: “The last time that you, Petushkov, fulfilled your marital duty
was fifteen years ago. Your rationing coupons are – so to speak – going to waste.”
And Petushkov responds: “For God’s sake, Vasilii Stepanovich, my coupons are the
special pink pensioner coupons. They only entitle you to receive a kiss on the forehead.”
Despondent, Victor Stepanovich heads down Tsvetnoi boulevard towards the market
place. He walks down the boulevard, jealous of the pigeons… Those birds are fulfilling their
marital duties right on the pavement without the need of any rationing coupons. They are even
fulfilling their marital duties on top of a statue of Karl Marx, who is responsible for these
coupons in the first place, not only to our misfortune, but evidently to his own as well.
Then Vasilii Stepanovich decides to go the Party district headquarters inspired by the
“mind, honor, and conscience of our epoch.” His friend, Kozyr’kov, is an instructor there. And
Kozyr’kov says: “You, Vasilii Stepanovich, were too hasty with giving up your Party
membership, you really acted too fast. They have just given us some special rationing coupons.”
And he shows Vasilii Stepanovich a special coupon. It’s laminated and inscribed with
the words: “Anywhere. With anyone. Even in the frozen regions of Far North.”
Vasilii Stepanovich screamed wildly in his dream, then awoke and saw his wife,
Katerina, sleeping indifferently and apathetically facing the wall. And he contemplated her back
for a long time asking himself what was it that she reminded him of? And then it came to him!
He understood and it frightened him. Katerina, his wife, was an exact replica of our perestroika.
They both promise something good all the time, but when it comes to actually delivering, they
hide in the bushes.
Vasilii Stepanovich got out of bed, got dressed and, forgetting all about his marital duties,
ran to the store to exchange his rationing coupons for sugar, meat, butter, bread, sun, air, water,
and the “mind, honor, and conscience of our epoch.”
Mikhail Zadornov.
I don’t Understand Again.
(1991)
I must confess that five years ago I didn’t understand anything, but now I understand
even less.
For example, I don’t understand what they take us for. You enter an elevator and on the
wall they have these rules for using the elevator. I don’t understand what sort of intellectual
level you have to have, if – before pressing that button – you have to read those instructions on
how to use the elevator. Have you ever read them? I’d understand if you got stuck. And then
you see that at the very bottom it always says: “Never use a malfunctioning elevator!” How can
I use it if it isn’t working? What am I supposed to be doing in an elevator that doesn’t work? I
don’t understand.
Translated by Olga M. Mesropova
Copyright © 2008 by Olga M. Mesropova
6
I don’t know, maybe I am the only slow one, but I don’t understand why the proverb
“Money can’t buy happiness” exists only in our language. Maybe we should be more precise:
“It’s our money that can’t buy happiness.”
There are really a lot of things I don’t understand. I don’t understand the majority of our
place names. If one district in the city is named “Soviet,” are the rest of them “Anti-Soviet”?
I don’t understand the name “Wings of the Soviets.” I don’t understand how Soviets can
have wings. I just understand that “those born to crawl cannot fly.”
I also don’t understand why a factory needs to be named “The Red Giant” rather than just
“The Giant.” I don’t get it. Why is the giant red? Because he’s drunk? And what about “The
Red Seamstress”? Why is she red? Is she blushing with shame at her own production? Maybe
she’s the wife of the red giant? Or maybe they are both Indians?
Another thing I don’t get: they taught us in school that communism is when there is no
money and lots of goods. Then what do we have here?
I also don’t understand how you can fight against the Communist party under this party’s
own guidance. Under the slogan: “More socialism!” What? They want even more?
By the way, I really don’t understand a lot of our slogans. For example, I could never get
the slogan “Communism is Soviet power plus electrification of the entire country.” Does this
mean that if you cut off all the electricity under communism, the darkness would be Soviet
power? I just don’t get a lot of today’s slogans. What does this new slogan mean: “Turn the
economy with its face to the man!” I wonder what part of the economy faced the man before
they thought that one up?
And now I will whisper so that only those of us who don’t understand will hear me. I
truly don’t understand if Yeltsin becomes the President of the Russian Federation and all state
republics separate from the state, what is Gorbachev going to be president of?
When I watch television, I also don’t understand anything. For example, the sessions of
the Supreme Soviet… Have they created this endlessly entertaining show just for us? Before we
used to wait for months to see an episode of “Around Laughter.” Now any day you can just turn
on the television when you come home from work and laugh the night away.
By the way, I don’t understand if some of the deputies themselves understand what they
are saying:
“We are at the beginning of the road towards building socialism…” What do you mean?
We are at the beginning again? And I also don’t get their favorite expression: “We won’t give
away our achievements!” What achievements are we talking about? To whom are we not giving
them away? Who would ask for them in the first place?
And I completely don’t understand the expression “socialist camp.” I only understand
that no good place is ever called a “camp.” So what do we have here? They have the capitalist
world, and we have the socialist camp? If so, then we must be one of the camp’s merriest
barracks.
And now, I don’t even know if I should be telling you this. I’ll tell you, but don’t pass it
along to anyone else. I’ve just read in the paper and didn’t understand why they recently
restored the cruiser “Aurora.” Can it be that they are preparing it for something again? I don’t
understand, for what…
Of course, I don’t understand everything. But then I strained my brain and finally got
one. I finally understood one of their slogans: “Pioneer, you are responsible for everything!”
Before, I couldn’t understand who is responsible for everything, and now I get it. It’s that
pioneer!
Translated by Olga M. Mesropova
Copyright © 2008 by Olga M. Mesropova
7
And also I finally understood the most important and the most subtle thing of all. And it
gave me immense pleasure. I now understand the secret essence of perestroika. Really.
Remember, how birth control used to be sold everywhere but now you can only buy it in clinics
reserved for members of the state apparatus? You know why? So that a species like that one
doesn’t reproduce itself. This will be the real achievement of perestroika!
Mikhail Zadornov.
Internal monologue of the Russian president.
(1997)
What sort of people do I have working around me? They’ve created chaos in the Army. Driven
Russians abroad. The teachers, pensioners, and miners are starving… Thieves and bribe takers
are all around… Crime is skyrocketing. They are profiteering on the war in Chechnya. And the
worst thing is they are all thinking only about themselves, only about themselves. It’s a
disgrace… But what about the people? Who is going to think about the people? Do you think I
will? What’s in it for me?!
Mikhail Zhvanetsky.
Let’s Be Frank.
(2001)
Let’s speak frankly. We live badly.
Let’s be frank. Many homes have no food.
I will be frank about myself. I don’t have warm winter boots.
I will be even more frank – I am losing my hair.
I will be completely frank – my right arm is missing.
And to be completely honest – I don’t have legs either.
But just between us, I don’t need them.
I don’t need education either.
I have a big family. We live peacefully. But to be perfectly frank, I don’t need my
family for anything.
And, to be honest, they don’t need me either.
I’ll tell you more. Everybody in this country annoys me.
They don’t need anybody.
No matter what they may pretend to need.
They don’t need the State and, just between us, they don’t need all those natural
resources either.
Agriculture they need, of course, but life would be easier without it.
I would release all the animals, wild and domesticated, and I would just stretch out on the
beach contemplating life, although life is easier without contemplation.
I’m not sure that thinking about things is worth the bother.
So kisses to everyone within reach.
Translated by Olga M. Mesropova
Copyright © 2008 by Olga M. Mesropova
8
John M. Thompson. Russia and the
Soviet Union. A Historical Introduc
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