1 we cannot communicate
A key principle to keep in mind is that we cannot avoid communicating when we are with others
because they interpret what we do and say as well as what we don’t do and don’t say. Even if we choose
to be silent, we’re communicating. What we mean by silence and how others interpret it depend on
cultural backgrounds.
Because Westerners typically are more verbal than many other cultural groups, they are likely to regard
silence as a signal of anger, disinterest, or lack of knowledge. Some Native Americans and members of
many Eastern cultures might interpret silence as thoughtfulness or respect. Either way, silence
communicates.
Even when we don’t intend to communicate, we do so. We may be unaware of a grimace that gives
away our disapproval or an eye roll that shows we dislike someone, but we are communicating
nonetheless. Unconscious communication often occurs on the relationship level of meaning as we
express feelings about others through subtle, often nonverbal communication. Regardless of whether
we aim to communicate and whether others understand our intentions, we continuously, unavoidably
communicate.
2 Principle 2: Interpersonal Communication Is Irreversible
Perhaps you have been in a heated argument in which you lost your temper and said something you
later regretted. It could be that you hurt someone or revealed something about yourself that you meant
to keep private. Later, you might have tried to repair the damage by apologizing, explaining what you
said, or denying what you revealed. But you couldn’t erase your communication; you couldn’t unsay
what you had said.
You may have had similar experiences when communicating by email or posting on Facebook. Perhaps
you read a message that made you angry, and you dashed off a barbed reply, sent it, and then wished
you could unsend it. Perhaps you posted a picture of yourself when you were not sober, and your
parents saw it. The fact that communication is irreversible reminds us that what we say and do matters.
It has impact. Once we say something to another person, our words become part of the relationship.
Remembering this principle keeps us aware of the importance of choosing when to speak and what to
say—or not to say!
Principle 3: Interpersonal Communication Involves Ethical Choices
Ethics is the branch of philosophy that focuses on moral principles and codes of conduct. Ethical issues
concern right and wrong. Because interpersonal communication is irreversible and affects others, it
always has ethical implications. What we say and do affects others: how they feel, how they perceive
themselves, how they think about themselves, and how they think about others. Thus, responsible
people think carefully about ethical implications of their communication.
Our everyday lives are filled with ethical choices. Should you not tell someone something that might
make him less willing to do what you want? If you read a message on your social network that makes
you angry, do you fire off a nasty reply, assuming that you will never meet the person and so won’t face
any consequences? Do you judge another person’s communication from your own individual
perspective and experience? Or do you try to understand her communication on her terms and from her
perspective? In work settings, should you avoid giving negative feedback because it could hurt others’
feelings even if it might help them advance? In these and many other instances, we face ethical choices.
Throughout this book, we note ethical issues that arise when we interact with others. As you read,
consider what kinds of choices you make and what moral principles guide your choices.
Principle 4: People Construct Meanings in Interpersonal Communication
The significance of communication doesn’t lie in words and nonverbal behaviors. Instead, meaning
arises out of how we interpret communication. This calls our attention to the fact that humans use
symbols, which sets us apart from other creatures.
As we will see in Chapter 4, symbols, such as words, have no inherent or true meanings. Instead, we
must interpret them. What does it mean if someone says, “You’re sick”? To interpret the comment, you
must consider the context (a counseling session, a professional meeting, after a daredevil stunt), who
said it (a psychiatrist, a supervisor, a subordinate, a friend, an enemy), and the words themselves, which
may mean various things (a medical diagnosis, a challenge to your professional competence, a
compliment on your zaniness, disapproval).
In close relationships, partners gradually coordinate meanings so that they share understandings of
issues and feelings important to their connection. When a relationship begins, one person may regard
confrontation as healthy, and the other may avoid arguments. Over time, partners come to share
meanings for conflict—what it is, how to handle it, and whether it threatens the relationship or is a path
to growth.
The meanings we attribute to conflict are shaped by cultural backgrounds. Because standing up for your
own ideas is emphasized in the United States, many people who were born and raised in this country
value confrontation more than do many Asians who were raised in traditional Asian families. Conflict
means different things to each group.
Even one person’s meanings vary over time and in response to experiences and moods. If you’re in a
good mood, a playful gibe might strike you as funny or as an invitation to banter. The same remark
might hurt or anger you if you’re feeling down. The meaning of the gibe, like all communication, is not
preset or absolute. Meanings are created by people as they communicate in specific contexts.
5: Metacommunication Affects Meanings
he word metacommunication comes from the prefix meta, meaning “about,” and the root word
communication. Thus, metacommunication is communication about communication. For example,
during a conversation with your friend Pat, you notice that Pat’s body seems tense and her voice is
sharp. You might say, “You seem really stressed in our conversation.” Your statement is
metacommunication because it communicates about Pat’s nonverbal communication.
We can use words to talk about other words or nonverbal behaviors. If an argument between Joe and
Marc gets out of hand, and Joe makes a nasty personal attack, Joe might later say, “I didn’t really mean
what I just said. I was just so angry it came out.” This metacommunication may soften the hurt caused
by the attack. If Joe and Marc then have a productive conversation about their differences, Marc might
conclude by saying, “This has really been a good talk. I think we understand each other a lot better
now.” This comment verbally metacommunicates about the conversation that preceded it.
Metacommunication can increase understanding. For instance, teachers sometimes say, “The next point
is really important.” This comment signals students to pay special attention to what follows. A parent
might tell a child, “What I said may sound harsh, but I’m only telling you because I care about you.” The
comment tells the child how to interpret a critical message. A manager tells a subordinate to take a
comment seriously by saying, “I really mean what I said. I’m not kidding.” On the other hand, if we’re
not really sure what we think about an issue, and we want to try out a stance, we might say, “I’m
thinking this through as I go, and I’m not really wedded to this position, but what I tend to believe right
now is ….” This preface to your statement tells listeners not to assume that what you say is set in stone.
We can also metacommunicate to check on understanding: “Was I clear?” “Do you see why I feel like I
do?” “Can you see why I’m confused about the problem?” Questions such as these allow you to find out
whether another person understands what you intend to communicate. You may also
metacommunicate to find out whether you understand what another person expresses to you. “What I
think you meant is that you are worried. Is that right?” “If I follow what you said, you feel trapped
between what you want to do and what your parents want you to do. Is that what you were telling me?”
You may even say, “I don’t understand what you just told me. Can you say it another way?” This
question metacommunicates by letting the other person know you did not grasp her message and that
you want to understand.
Effective metacommunication also helps friends and romantic partners express how they feel about
their interactions. Linda Acitelli (1988, 1993) has studied what happens when partners in a relationship
talk to each other about how they perceive and feel about their interaction. She reports that women
and men alike find metacommunication helpful if there is a conflict or problem that must be addressed.
Both sexes seem to appreciate knowing how the other feels about their differences; they are also eager
to learn how to communicate to resolve those differences. During a conflict, one person might say, “I
feel like we’re both being really stubborn. Do you think we could each back off a little from our
positions?” This expresses discontent with how communication is proceeding and offers an alternative.
After conflict, one partner might say, “This really cleared the air between us. I feel a lot better now.”
Acitelli also found that women are more likely than men to appreciate metacommunication when there
is no conflict or immediate problem to be resolved. For example, while curled up on a sofa and watching
TV, a woman might say to her male partner, “I really feel comfortable snuggling with you.” This
statement comments on the relationship and the nonverbal communication between the couple.
According to Acitelli and others (Wood, 1997, 1998), men generally find talk about relationships
unnecessary unless there is an immediate problem to be addressed. Understanding this gender
difference in preferences for metacommunication may help you interpret members of the other sex
more accurately.
6: Interpersonal Communication Develops and Sustains Relationships
Interpersonal communication is the primary way we build, refine, and transform relationships. Partners
talk to work out expectations and understandings of their interaction, appropriate and inappropriate
topics and styles of communicating, and the nature of the relationship itself. Is it a friendship or a
romantic relationship? How much and in what ways can we count on each other? How do we handle
disagreements—by confronting them, ignoring them, or using indirect strategies to restore harmony?
What are the bottom lines, the “thou shalt not” rules for what counts as unforgivable betrayal? What
counts as caring—words, deeds, both? Because communication has no intrinsic meanings, we must
generate our own in the course of interaction.
Communication also allows us to construct or reconstruct individual and joint histories. For instance,
when people fall in love, they often redefine former loves as “mere infatuations” or “puppy love,” but
definitely not the real thing. When something goes wrong in a relationship, partners may work together
to define what happened in a way that allows them to continue. Marriage counselors report that
couples routinely work out face-saving explanations for affairs so that they can stay together in the
aftermath of infidelity (Scarf, 1987). Partners often talk about past events and experiences that
challenged them and ones that were joyous. The process of reliving the past reminds partners how long
they have been together and how much they have shared. As partners communicate thoughts and
feelings, they generate shared meanings for themselves, their interaction, and their relationship.
Communication is also the primary means by which people construct a future for themselves and their
relationships. For intimates, talking about a vision of a shared future is one of the most powerful ties
that link people (Dixson & Duck, 1993; Wood, 2006a). Romantic couples often dream together by talking
about the family they plan and how they’ll be in 20 years. Likewise, friends discuss plans for the future
and promise reunions if they must move apart, and work colleagues talk about advancement and
challenges down the road. Communication allows us to express and share dreams, imaginings, and
memories, and to weave all of these into shared understandings of a continuing relationship.
Karen
I love talking about the future with my fiancé. Sometimes, we talk for hours about the kind of house we’ll
have and what our children will be like and how we’ll juggle two careers and a family. I know everything
won’t work out exactly like we think now, but talking about it makes me feel so close to Dave and like
our future is real.
7: Interpersonal Communication Is Not a Panacea
As we have seen, we communicate to satisfy many of our needs and to create relationships with others.
Yet it would be a mistake to think communication is a cure-all. Many problems can’t be solved by talk
alone. Communication by itself won’t end hunger, abuses of human rights around the globe, racism,
intimate partner violence, or physical diseases. Nor can words alone bridge irreconcilable differences
between people or erase the hurt of betrayal. Although good communication may increase
understanding and help us solve problems, it will not fix everything. We should also realize that the idea
of talking things through is distinctly Western. Not all societies think it’s wise or useful to communicate
about relationships or to talk extensively about feelings. Just as interpersonal communication has many
strengths and values, it also has limits, and its effectiveness is shaped by cultural contexts.
8: Interpersonal Communication Effectiveness Can Be Learned
It is a mistake to think that effective communicators are born, that some people have a natural talent
and others don’t. Although some people have extraordinary talent in athletics or writing, those who
don’t can learn to be competent athletes and writers. Likewise, some people have an aptitude for
communicating, but all of us can become competent communicators. This book and the course you are
taking should sharpen your understandings of how interpersonal communication works and should help
you learn skills that will enhance your effectiveness in relating to others.
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