Revision Essay of the past

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I’m working on a Writing question and need guidance to help me study.

Hi there please refer to this Doc to revise these essay's,

The first one is Rose in the Desert Here are the required repair for it : HERE  and here are The RAW DOC  

The second one is here and here Are the RAW DOC 

Let me know if you need any more information... 

wafting for your replay,

To be clear I need two revisions,

Thank you  

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Guidelines for Revision of Essays 1 and 2 (Due by Mon., Nov. 30) 1. Number the paragraphs in your graded essay. 2. Indicate places you will expand or cut your essay. You can do this electronically (using Track Changes) or directly on the graded essay, but I want to see some of your editing plans and process.* If you schedule a conference with me before you revise, bring the graded copy with you, and we can begin the process then. 3. Highlight and correct all usage errors on the graded essay (or on the final if you are editing electronically.*) 4. Revise the essay according to these notes and print. 5. Number the paragraphs in your revised essay. 6. Write a new process letter which responds to the following questions: Which comments or suggestions for revision did you concentrate on? What did you add to or cut from the graded version to address these concerns? Which parts of the essay are completely new or significantly rewritten? Use paragraph numbers for reference. If there were any suggestions for revision that you decided not to take, explain why. What kinds of usage errors did you find most difficult to correct? Which parts of this essay are you most proud of? Which parts do you think still need more work? Submit the original graded copy, revision notes,* and new process letter* along with the revised version (labeled “revised” and dated) (*can be E-mailed) A Rose in the Desert One of our strengths as human beings is diversity. We grow up in different societies with different cultures, morals, and struggles. Although I know life has more to teach me, I have already discovered so much by growing up in Saudi Arabia and moving to the United States. The two countries are so different that I often wonder how they can both exist at the same time. Although born and raised in Saudi Arabia, I find myself more at home in the United States than I ever have felt in my own country. My fifteen years of experience growing up as an outcast with my mother in the fully male dominated society of Saudi Arabia was one of the greatest struggles and learning experiences of my life. My mother and I, like roses in the desert, lived a very different life than what was expected and accepted as part of the traditional Saudi Arabian culture, and this experience has made me who I am today. In Saudi Arabia, each household has a father as the head and master of the family, and the mother as the submissive follower. When I was three years old, my father left me, my mother, and my sister in the dust to fend for ourselves. Without a male leader in the household, mother had no choice but to raise us on her own. She had to battle family members who had their own ideas of how my sister and I were to be raised. Often, outside family members would instruct and punish us without her consent. When I was nine years old, my cousin and I ran around the house and played “coppers and robbers”. My uncle blamed me for the commotion and grabbed me by the ear to drag me away for punishment. My mother took me away from him, grabbed my sister with her other hand, and walked out of the house. She told him if he didn’t respect her children then he didn’t respect her. My uncle apologized, but even then, my mother and I were considered the very lowest level of the family. If my uncle had been watching any other family members, he would not have dared to punish them without permission because that would have been an insult to the father. However, I instinctively knew that I should not look up to my extended family for good values. My mother constantly and consistently showed my sister and I how to have good morals and to strive to do our best to succeed. I believe that she was determined to give us better morals and stronger family values than those displayed by my father and other men in our society. My mother sacrificed everything to make sure my brother and I had everything we needed and most of what we wanted. As a young child, I often thought my mother’s choice of owning only a week’s worth of clothing was a bit strange. My brother and I were often taken shopping to get new clothes and shoes. Looking back, I’m sure my mother’s small wardrobe was often the ridicule of society; but she sheltered us as best as she could from the unfair discrimination by providing us with clothes and accessories equal to those of our peers. I didn’t know it at the time, but just by being an example, my mother showed me what being a part of a family really means. I was taught to be respectful and open to new ideas. My mother marched into a male only school and registered me for classes. She knew that although schools in Saudi Arabia may not be as open minded as she wanted, I needed an education. With a relentless attitude and unwillingness to compromise, my mother fought her way through scoffing male teachers and a haughty principal in order secure my enrollment. During my years at this school, I was exposed to the traditional education and views of my culture. We were expected to like football, treat women as inferior, and go camping in the desert with the male members of our family in order to turn into strong dominant men. However, my mother had encouraged me from the very beginning to think for myself and to pursue my interests. While my classmates focused on sports and video games, I fell in love with computers and world culture. This new found passion inspired me to learn everything I could about technology and how to use it to better understand different cultures. At the age of twelve, I started learning the Japanese language. I watched anime, spent hours reading about the Japanese culture, and became the outcast in a world that refused to accept individuality. Because my interests were so different than those of my peers, I would often find myself physically and mentally abused by fellow classmates and teachers. Perhaps they thought there was still a chance they could break my independent nature and mold me into a more acceptable man. I remember one time specifically when my teacher held me after school and made me write lines. While I was writing, he hurled insult after insult about my mother and my upbringing that I was forced to tolerate. Another time, this same teacher actually hit me on the back of the head until I felt dizzy. The teacher knew that I didn’t have a father figure to stand up for me, and he took advantage of the situation. However, he had no idea that my mother was not the typical submissive female. She filed a complaint with the school board and would not back down. Her consistent refusal to withdraw the complaint led to and educational expert being called in to investigate. My teacher’s excuse was that he “didn’t mean to do it”. My mother had always told me how much she hated that excuse and that I should always hold myself responsible for my own actions. It was her strength and moral character that made me realize that women are equal to men. However, after the education expert left, my teacher told the other students that were in my class that I had complained against him. He turned the students against me and I was bullied and shunned by the entire class. It was at that moment that I knew I belonged in a different world. Many years later when I visited my sister in the United States, I experienced the shock of a life time. My views on equality and interest in other cultures was not only tolerated, but wholeheartedly accepted in America. While no country is without discrimination, I found that strangers quickly became friends once they realized we shared similar views and morals. I was valued not only for my opinions but for my computer knowledge. My sister’s friends came to me for help with their slow running computers and internet connection problems. Not only did I enjoy helping people from different walks of life, but I appreciated their gratitude and relief when I fixed their computers. In Saudi Arabia, if I were to fix a computer for someone, they would ignore the skill required and command that I continue to maintain their computers at no charge. They would never acknowledge that I had a talent for computers or accept me as a valued member of society. In the United States, I gained friends and respectful mentors. For the first time in my life, I was in a hub of ethnic diversity and acceptance. Although I only visited my sister for a short while, I quickly realized that the United States had much to offer me in terms of acceptance and positive experiences. More than anything, this visit made me see that I did not belong in Saudi Arabia. Thanks to my mother’s constant encouragement, my grades at my school in Saudi Arabia were good enough to get me into George Mason University. Now, I can continue my growth and mental development as an independent thinker surrounded by other independent thinkers without fear of harassment or oppression of my spirit. Already, I feel welcomed and accepted as an equal among my classmates. I am experiencing the delicious food from different cultures, the variety of entertainment from Japanese Animation to American reality shows, and of course, the culturally diverse people! I can walk into any store and be treated with respect and a friendly smile. While I do miss some aspects of Saudi Arabia, especially my friends, I feel that I can truly grow as a person at my university. I am thankful for my experiences and for my mother’s give all mentality. Without her strength, I don’t think I would be where I am today with the core values and moral standards that I possess. Because of her, I have found the hospitality of a new school in the United States, thousands of miles away from my native Saudi Arabia. Now, finally, I am home. When people think of Saudi Arabia, the image of deserts, camels, and long flowing clothing may come to mind. However, my homeland is steeped in tradition and customs that go back hundreds of years. One of these traditions is Arabian coffee. Our coffee has a unique taste, and it is brewed carefully to ensure that the taste is bold and aromatic. The traditional coffee is more than just beans and hot water. On cold nights, we sit outside around the fire as a family and drink our coffee together. The meaning of Arabian coffee is not just where it’s from, but who it’s from, and why we choose to drink the coffee in different ways. Arabian coffee is a slightly bitter and very strong coffee that has been slow brewed at home using only Arabica beans. The coffee is not bought at a coffee shop as is common in the United States and other countries. Although there are Starbucks in Saudi Arabia, we do not have a Starbucks around the corner. Even if we did, my family and I would not go because the experience is not the same. Instant coffees and Starbucks use either the bitterer Robusta bean, or a combination blend for coffee, and then cover the coffee with sugar, caramel, and chocolate. This is because Robusta is cheaper and easier to grow. However, in Saudi Arabia, the Arabica bean is predominant. We select the finest and freshest Arabica coffee beans from the market. There are several different reasons why I prefer the Arabica bean. The most important reason is not only does it have a stronger taste than other beans, but it is the type of roast that I have grown up drinking. When the coffee is brewed, I can smell it in the kitchen all the way from my bedroom. Like a moth to a flame, I am drawn to the kitchen every time I smell the strong sensual coffee. Once I reach the kitchen, I usually can hear the freshly made coffee pouring from the machine to the coffee pot. To me, it sounds like my soul is being filled with warmth. My mother greets me with a smile, and I start getting several the cups and Dallah, or the long spouted coffee pot, down from the shelf. I don’t just get a cup for myself because I know that when my mother makes coffee, it’s made for everyone. Unlike American coffee mugs, our mugs do not have handles. They are small cups that are easy to hold and pleasantly warm your hands. I am filled with a contented glow before I even drink the coffee because I know that I will be spending time with my family while we drink the coffee together. Typically, the female head of the household makes the coffee. One of the most important and most unique traditions of Arabian coffee is when we all drink the coffee outside during the colder evenings. The men build a bonfire outside of the home and put blankets and cushions around the fire for everyone to sit. The children play around the fire and wait for the coffee to arrive. The women bring the coffee and the cups, and we all drink together as a family. Because I am older, I sit quietly next to my elders and listen as they begin to talk about the news of the day. Although some American families may sit outside of a Starbucks in green plastic chairs in order to drink their coffee, the vast emptiness and harsh realities of the Saudi Arabian deserts make Arabian coffee outside a bit different. The children know not to wander too far from the fire, and occasionally the adults have to chase away stray dogs that come looking for scraps. We stick together as a family because it is the easiest way to survive, but we bond together because we value family above money, fame, and outside distractions. Sharing the warmth of the fire, breathing in the gentle steam from our cups, and drinking the delicious coffee with my family is one of the happiest times of my week. These are memories I keep with me when I am away from home. One of the most prominent differences between Arabic coffee and any other coffee is how we serve our coffee. We have a strict set of rules that must be followed or else the server of the coffee is considered to be disrespectful. Any time we have guests, we follow these traditions. First, the coffee cups must be filled while the server is standing. The server has the Dallah in the left hand, and the cups in their right hand. They only fill the cups ¼ of the way full to avoid the cup from being too hot. This also forces the drinker to really savor the coffee instead of sipping it too quickly. However, the coffee is poured in a very specific order. These “shots” are meant to show hospitality and respect. The first cup of coffee is actually poured by the host for the host. The host must taste the coffee to make sure it is of acceptable quality. Next, the host pours a second cup of coffee. This cup of coffee is for the guest; and it is traditionally meant to offer life and vitality to the guest, as well as giving the guest a chance to taste the coffee and make sure that it is to their liking. The third cup of coffee is both for the guest and the host to enjoy. It is used to set the pleasant mood of the evening. If a fourth cup of coffee is offered by the host and received by the guest, this means that the guest is willing to defend the host’s home should it be under attack. This tradition dates back from when Arabic tribes were constantly at war. When serving the coffee to the guest, the host must say “tafaddal” to the guest. This means, “Please take the coffee”. These traditions are important because they show proper respect to the entire family and to guests. My first visit to Starbucks was my last. The server did not ask me to take the coffee, and I was surprised by how much coffee was in the cup. The taste was like eating a piece of bitter rubber, and the coffee drinkers were divided among tables and did not mingle and talk to one another. Starbucks made me miss coffee with my family. Luckily, I know that I will be greeted as a family member around the fire with a proper cup of Arabica coffee any time I come home to visit. Process Letter I enjoyed writing the description of Arabian coffee because it has brought back fond memories from my homeland. I feel a bit closer to home having relived some of these experiences; especially the memory of drinking coffee outside with my family. I believe I have written a good essay because it is organized topically, yet still can be read as one flowing concept. I made sure to include comparisons to Starbucks so that the audience would really be able to see the difference. I also stuck to the topic of my essay by constantly showing how the Arabic coffee means family, and not just something to drink. I would say if there was one thing to improve about my essay, it would be the last paragraph. For me, it doesn’t read quite as smoothly as the rest of the essay. It does stick with the topic, and I do think I have a nice concluding sentence. I tried not to be too disrespectful about Starbucks coffee, but I also wanted to give my honest recollection of what Starbucks is like for me. I also tried to include several senses in my description of the Arabian coffee, from describing the warmth to the sweeter taste so that my outside audience would really understand what it’s like to have Arabic coffee. ...
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Mrs Alpha (807)
Purdue University

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