PR ESS
An Imprint of Morgan James Publishing
Copyright ©2008 Dr. Maura Cullen
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ISBN: 978-1-60037-491-3 (Paperback)
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Cover Design by:
(c) 2008 by Clarence Jessop
Interior Design by: Rachel Lopez
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Disclaimer
This book is designed to provide information on
how to best handle issues of diversity. It is sold with
the understanding that the publisher and author are
not engaged in rendering legal, accounting or otherwise
professional services. If legal or other expert assistance is
required, the services of a competent professional should
be sought.
Every effort has been made to make this book as
complete and accurate as possible. However, there may
be mistakes, both typographical and in content.
Therefore, this text should be used only as a general
guide and not as the ultimate source of handling
sensitive issues such as diversity. Furthermore, this book
contains information solely gleaned from the author’s
own experiences and background.
The purpose of this book is to educate and entertain.
The author and publisher shall have neither liability nor
responsibility to any person or entity with respect to
any loss or damage caused, or alleged to have been
caused, directly or indirectly, by the information
contained in this book.
Dedica on
To my parents, Maureen and Tom Cullen who
lovingly showed us what is most important in life—
family.
To the love of my life, Dawn, even though I doubted
myself at times you never wavered. Thank you.
Praise for 35 Dumb
Things Well-Intended
People Say
“Our success and future prosperity as a people and a
nation is dependent on our understanding and
responding to each other with wisdom andcompassion.
This book shows you how.”
- Brian Tracy, author of The Psychology of
Achievement and Goals!
“Good intentions are not enough as Dr. Maura
Cullen so skillfully points out in her book. This well
written, down to earth, no blame, insightful book is a
resource every one interested in developing authentic
relationships across difference must have. If you ever
found yourself unsure of what to say to someone
different from you (and said nothing) then this book will
provide you valuable tools to be more effective every
day.”
- Judith H. Katz, Ed. D., Executive Vice President,
The Kaleel Jamison Consulting Group. Inc.,
author of White Awareness: Handbook for AntiRacism Training Inclusion, Breakthrough:
Unleashing the Real Power of Diversity and Be
BIG; Step Up, Step Out, Be Bold
“Dr. Cullen is clearly the go-to expert on diversity. I
was personally astounded by how many ‘dumb’ things I
say and how my honestly well-intended statements could
potentially hurt my relationships, and credibility, with
others. This is a must- read book for every student and
executive in America who wants to understand what it
takes to respect and work with today’s diverse global
workforce.”
- Brendon Burchard, author of The Student
Leadership Guide and Life’s Golden Ticket
“This is the book that explains why people get offended
by many of our everyday comments and shows us
practical steps to
improve our effectiveness around issues of diversity.
Good for students as well as faculty and staff.”
- Daryl G. Smith, Professor of Education and
Psychology, Claremont Graduate University
“35 Dumb Things Well-Intended People Say
provides extraordinary insight into one of the most
important issues of our times, diversity. Maura’s no nonsense approach stimulates conversation not stifles it.”
- Richard Ramos, Latino Coalition for Faith &
Community Leadership
“35 Dumb Things is phenomenal in tackling diversity
issues in an honest, humorous and straightforward
manner. Not to read this book would be Dumb Thing
#36!”
- Dr. Andrea Kandel, Executive Director,
National Conference for Community & Justice
Praise for Maura
“Over my twenty plus years working in nonprofits, I
have taken part in many diversity training sessions and
found Maura Cullen’s workshop to
be the best. Maura uses humor and real life situations to
which we can all relate.”
- Susan B. Dunn, President and CEO, United Way
of the Capital Area, Hartford, CT
“Having been involved in diversity efforts in the legal
profession for many years, I know that “diversity” is a
complicated and divisive issue, often rooted in emotions
deep within us. Dr. Cullen has an uncanny ability to
bring those emotions to the surface and challenge her
participants to think about the issues in ways never
thought of before. I highly recommend her creative and
engaging approach to perhaps the most significant
workplace issue of our time.”
Asker A. Saeed, Esq.President, South Asian Bar
Association of Connecticut
“Maura Cullen does not merely train participants. She
engages, motivates, and challenges them to set aside
ingrained preconceptions they may have about those who
are different from themselves. They come away with
more than the typical training handouts. They come
away with a visual and visceral experience that helps them
to better understand others’ perspectives.”
- Sharon Mangieri, Director of Employee Relations
& Training, Office of Human Resources Western
New England College, MA
“Maura Cullen has demonstrated that she is truly a
leader among the finest trainers / consultants on the
international campus circuit today. She relates to and
communicates with students so effectively, her humor
and charisma hold their media-soaked attention... even
those disillusioned by and with political correctness.”
- Janice Robinson, University of British Columbia,
Canada
“I am a returning RA and dreaded coming to diversity
training. Maura kept us engaged for an incredible five
hours through her activities, stories and humor. She
made diversity easy to understand without making
anyone feel guilty or angry and related it to our resident
assistant role. By far this is the most enjoyable diversity
training I have EVER attended!”
- Andy Weinkauf
University of Wisconsin-Platteville, WI
“In the short time that Dr. Cullen was with us, she
forever changed our organization for the better. The
training really helped people see the positive aspects of
our work environment and also empowered staff to take
active, constructive roles for positive change within our
organization. To be sure, we will be asking Dr. Cullen to
return in the future!”
- Dr. Susan M. Hansen, San Jose State University,
CA
“I have been doing diversity work for over 20 years.
There is no one that I respect more, or would
recommend more highly as a trainer, facilitator or
speaker than Maura Cullen. Her style, skills and
knowledge make her one of the best in the business.”
Rev. Dr. Jamie Washington, President, The
Washington Consulting Group
“Maura’s work is professional, engaging, genuine and
sincere, but most of all it is framed with integrity,
warmth, reality and appropriate humor. If you want a
sensational educational outcome for your program or
special event ...Maura is more.”
David A. Holmes, La Trobe University,
Australia
Acknowledgements
There are a number of people who I need to
acknowledge, for without their support and guidance,
this book would never have been written.
Marlene Oulton, my editor and friend, thanks for
keeping me laughing and on track with your insightful
guidance.
Also a big thank you to all of you who helped along
this journey: Jeanine Bessette, Staci Buchwald, Brendon
Burchard, Paulette Dalpes, Nancy Hunter-Denney,
Francesca Verri Gove, Susan Hansen, Jill Hoppenjans,
Andrea Kandel, Samuel Lurie, James Malinchak, Jackie
Simpson, Daryl Smith, Kathy Sisneros, Dawn
Teagarden, Jamie Washington and Marvin Worthy. Your
support and suggestions were significant.
A Note From Maura
Have you ever been afraid of saying the wrong thing
and so said nothing at all? Or perhaps something came
out of your mouth that you wish you could take back
immediately? That’s how I was, and at times continue to
be, especially as it relates to issues of diversity and
inclusion. There I was, a very well-intended person
who would never intentionally cause harm to someone
else, yet I was clueless to the impact I was having on
those around me. I would make statements like, “Some
of my best friends are…” or “I don’t think of you as...”
and not understand why some people would be
offended.
Over time I realized that there were a slew of
common statements and questions which people would
say and that would unintentionally cause harm or offend
people. In 35 Dumb Things Well-Intended People Say, I
provide an abbreviated list of everyday comments made
by everyday people. I should confess here that I didn’t
have to do much research for this book as I am guilty of
having said many of these. Everyday, I witness kind and
well-intentioned people saying over and over many of
the Dumb Things listed in the book.
35 Dumb Things Well-Intended People Say off insight
and information on how to transform many of the
conversations we have around issues of diversity. With all
of my heart, I believe that if people knew not only what,
but also why some of the things they say are harmful,
then they would stop saying them. I also wanted to
condense as much practical information as possible into
a short but powerful book so that everyday people would
take this opportunity to enhance their lives as well as
those around them. The book looks to simplify that
which confuses us and off suggestions to improve the
quality of our interactions. I trust you will benefit from
reading this as much as I did writing it.
SET T I NG THE STAGE
Chapter One
This book was written to inspire you to achieve more
inclusive, compassionate and effective communication
patterns.
It will demonstrate just how common it is for wellintended people to inadvertently cause harm without
ever knowing they have done so. People often make
statements which they intend to be supportive or
complimentary, but end up being problematic. Meant as
joining statements, these remarks often have the opposite
effect and end up creating a larger divide, and at times
inciting feelings of anger. Ultimately, the problem
continues to repeat itself over and over because many of
us are not aware that we have done or said anything
offensive in the first place! Your relationships with
colleagues and family members for example, may be
compromised every day, yet you may not be aware of the
damage being done. This is definitely preventable, as you
will see in the chapters which follow.
The book off you practical ways to quickly transform
the quality and effectiveness of your interactions. You
will learn how by making small adjustments to what
you say can reap huge rewards in your personal and
professional life. It will off valuable insights as to how
your everyday comments impact others.
Acquiring knowledge of these 35 Dumb Things is a great
start to improving your relationships, both personally and
professionally. Having this knowledge is the first step, but
learning the necessary skills to apply this knowledge is
crucial. No matter how hard we try to avoid offensive or
hurtful language, we will never be perfect. The true test
of our consciousness happens after we mess up, and how
well we respond to our mistakes and the action we take.
This book breaks down these 3 very important steps:
Knowledge, Skills and Action, and shows you how to
implement strategies to prevent potential hurtful words
and actions.
The first section of this book will provide the skill
segment of the knowledge, skill and action equation. If
you are like me, you may be tempted to skip the 10 Core
Concepts and just read the 35 Dumb Things. This would
be a mistake. The 10 Core Concepts are equally, if not
more, critical to understand than the actual dumb
statements themselves.
The knowledge segment will consist of actual 35
Dumb Things Well- Intended People Say, and the action
segment will be found at the end in the section entitled, 6
Smart Steps For Well- Intended People.
How important is it to adopt all three of these steps?
Let me share with you a real life example of when I put
only two of the three steps into action. The end result
speaks for itself.
Many years ago, I attended a wedding where all of the
guests were white with the exception of one couple who
were African American. My friends and I were standing
in the bar area and I noticed that when the man of
color went to get a drink, he was asked for identification
by the white bartender. I found this interesting because
he was the only person I noticed being asked to show
identification. He was clearly older than me and my
friends and yet none of us were challenged by the
bartender. Believing this could possibly be an act of
racism, I mentioned my observation to my friends. My
friends encouraged me to just let it go and to take a day
off from my “social justice mission.” This I would not
do. So for the next twenty minutes I observed the
frequency of people being asked for identification. Not
one other person was asked! What put me over the top and
ignited my need to take action was when a boy of about
fourteen ordered, and was given, two beers by this same
bartender.
At that point I marched up to the bartender and
pronounced him to be “a racist asshole!” Granted, this
was not my finest moment. In retrospect, I wish I had
approached the bartender in a more calm and
informative manner, yet I was incensed at what I had
perceived to be his racist attitude. This is a clear example
of what happens when good people want to take action
to eradicate injustice yet not having the skills to be
effective.
Was this an effective intervention? Did it seek to
educate? Was it done in a respectful manner? The answer
to all of those questions is no. In my eagerness to practice
my new skills for confronting acts of intolerance I was
disrespectful and ineffective. Like any new skill you
won’t be perfect in the beginning. Yet in order to
improve your skills you need to start somewhere. Don’t
be afraid to make mistakes because the bigger mistake is
to do nothing.
Keeping in mind the model of Knowledge, Skills,
Action, I possessed the knowledge and took immediate
action, but lacked the skills which resulted in a less than
desirable outcome. Having a solid understanding of the
10 Core Concepts is essential towards building these
critical skills.
WHAT THIS BOOK IS
This book shares lessons I have learned throughout my
career as an experienced diversity trainer and speaker in
the field of social justice. As I continue to grow and
learn about issues of diversity and inclusion, I am certain
that these conversations do not have to be combative or
divisive. You will soon recognize this spirit in the pages
which follow, as I offer you the best practices I have
found in creating more inclusive organizations. On the
other hand, my intention is not to eliminate all of the
adversity which often accompanies our conversations
around diversity issues. In fact, I strongly believe that a
certain amount of conflict and discomfort is essential to
initiate change. However, I believe we can all do a better
job at lessening the levels of incivility by increasing the
levels of knowledge and respect.
WHAT THIS BOOK IS NOT
The book is not an in-depth look at the complexities of
social justice and oppression. It doesn’t off theories, nor
will it attempt to explain them. It is not meant to do
anything except off insight about the power and impact
of everyday language.
Today, as we embrace a global economy, more and
more individuals and organizations understand the
benefits and necessity of leveraging the diversity of
experience, cultures and perspectives within the
workforce. On a personal level, families encounter this
diversity, tensions arise and feelings are hurt because
difference is not discussed in a practical way. As our
national populations grows and diversifies, so does our
level of discomfort in having dialogue around
difference. As a result, many of our conversations have
us walking on eggshells. One of the cornerstones of being
able to take the sting out of many conversations around
diversity, or any topic for that matter, revolves around
basic skills of being courteous and respectful of others.
Yet common courtesy is not enough to shift the dynamics
necessary to create a more inclusive community. Such
change requires a strong base of knowledge and the
understanding of core competencies and skills.
Over the years I have said and used many of the
following “dumb” statements on more than one
occasion. Most of the time, I was totally clueless as to the
impact I was having on the other person. I try very hard
not to intentionally cause harm to anyone, but just
because I don’t mean to cause harm doesn’t mean that
my actions or words still don’t hurt or offend the other
person. This is one of the core concepts, intent vs.
impact. Just because we have good intentions does not
mean that the other person is not negatively impacted.
This concept will be further explained later.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
According to the American Heritage Dictionary, the
term politically correct is defined as: “relating to or
supporting broad social, political, and educational
change, especially to redress historical injustices in
matters such as race, class, gender, and sexual
orientation.” The furor over the concept of political
correctness, also referred to as being “PC”, has widened
the divide on our conversations around issues of
diversity. Often used with an accusatory and negative
tone, political correctness is defined by various
perspectives. For some, political correctness is an
intrusion on their fi amendment rights. The group of
individuals believes that living in the United States
guarantees our basic right to say what we want regardless
of what others may think or feel. The freedom of speech
is a core and fundamental right stated in the United
States Constitution. Therefore, the creation of “hate
speech codes” or other kinds of legislation which limits
speech is seen as an assault on our First Amendment
rights.
For others, political correctness looks to secure another
fundamental right of The Constitution; the right to life,
liberty and the pursuit of happiness. It is also reflected in
the last line of the Pledge of Allegiance, “With liberty
and justice for all.” Non-discrimination laws and
legislation allow people to be free from harassment and
discrimination which may impede their right for equal
opportunity.
Some limits already exist to our First Amendment
rights, such as not being able to falsely shout “fire” in a
public building, which was created with the intention of
keeping people free from harm. Creating hate speech
clauses serves a similar purpose. In your attempt to
determine what you can and cannot say, from not only
a legal perspective, but a common decency perspective, a
little common sense can go a long way. For instance,
if there are words or terms that I know may be offensive
or hurtful to someone, then I won’t use those words.
Why should I inflict intentional harm?
Whoever developed the saying, “Sticks and stones may
break my bones, but names will never hurt me,” was
naïve. Rather, I subscribe to the statement, “Sticks and
stones may break my bones, but words can scar a
lifetime,” All of us can recall being ridiculed as kids or
being insulted as adults, and those words are not easily
forgotten. Words are a most powerful weapon. They are
how wars are literally started and ended. If by changing
my vocabulary to avoid causing harm I am to be judged
as being “politically correct,” then I am most certainly
guilty.
However, getting caught up in terminology or over
analyzing what you say before you say it, can cause well-
intentioned people to become overly cautious. Censoring
everything you think and feel results in our conversations
becoming less genuine.
For example, Santa’s in Australia were told to refrain
from using St. Nick’s traditional “Ho Ho Ho” greeting
because it was derogatory and offensive towards
women. Santa Claus’ were instructed instead to say
“Ha Ha Ha.” Is it any wonder why so many people get
frustrated and discount the validity and importance of
choosing our words wisely?
Yet that same term, “Ho” was used by Don Imus, a talk
show host to describe Black athletes of the Rutgers
University women’s basketball team when he referred to
them as “Nappy headed Ho’s.” The implication for
using “Ho” in that context is far more offensive than
Santa’s simple greeting of “Ho Ho Ho.”
What’s the answer? Sometimes we need to reach around
the words in order to balance our humanity with our
individual freedoms. We also need to recognize that
there is power in our words and how we choose to use
them. Words are the vehicle through which
communication is exchanged and reflect how we see our
world and those around us. What you say matters. The
question becomes, are you willing to improve your
impact on others?
A WORD ABOUT WORDS
Have you ever found yourself unsure of what to say, or
what word to use, so said nothing? One of the major
challenges when communicating across differences
centers on the use of language and terminology. Words
can ease your ability to communicate or they can put up
walls, often without your awareness. And, to add more
confusion, the meanings of words change along with the
times. What was once accepted terminology is no
longer acceptable. What was once funny is now
potentially offensive.Staying current on appropriate word
choice and phrases requires effort on your part.
Unfortunately, we don’t receive daily email updates with
advice on today’s acceptable language. Often the
updating of language is done through personal trial and
error which can be frustrating and embarrassing. Some
unintentional mistakes in language are met with
judgment and impatience. People on the receiving end
of this exchange are tired of having to constantly serve as
educators, with the expectation that they must be patient
with the person who is using language that they find
offensive. And conversely, people whose language is being
corrected are tired of being educated, and believe that too
much emphasis is placed on words and people are
overreacting.
For instance, decades ago the term “colored people”
was regarded as a polite description of black people.
Nowadays, this term is seen as offensive and has been
replaced with the term “people of color.” This
terminology is used to describe all non-white people, not
just black people. The emphasis is on the person and not
on the color.
“Mulatto” was another common term that was used
many years ago to describe people who we would now
refer to as biracial or multiracial. This term is thought to
be derived from the word mulatto (small mule), which
itself is derived from mulo (mule), once a generic name
of any hybrid species.
“Oriental” is no longer seen as a welcomed term to
describe people. The term is associated with foreign or
exotic objects and is used as an adjective to describe an
object such as a rug or vase. However, used as a noun,
the word objectified and demeans people from Asia or
of Asian descent. “Oriental” continues to be descriptive
of many things, but is best not to be used to describe
people.
Adding to the confusion, sometimes terminology which
once was offensive is now acceptable. As a means of
empowerment, a group or political movement may
“take back” a word to diminish its negative impact.
“Queer” is now an acceptable term by those in the
queer movement. Queer studies is now a discipline
offered at colleges and universities, yet at the same time
the use of this word can be a slippery slope. The
relatively new acceptance of the word queer is favored in
certain arenas and still taboo in others.
Within the disability movement, there are people who
reclaimed the term “disabled” after it had fallen out of
favor. The term had previously described the physical,
developmental or psychological “impairments” of the
person, and was experienced by
many
as
disempowering. Reframing the word “disabled” places
the focus on external barriers of accessibility and inequity.
It is the barriers which are disabling rather than the
person themselves. Others in the disability movement
prefer the term “people with disabilities,” as it places the
focus on the person rather than the disability.
Similarly, the term “handicapped” is not viewed
favorably by people with disabilities. Some believe that
this word was developed because the person with the
disability had to beg for money with their “cap” in
“hand.” This is a falsehood. What is true, however, is that
people with disabilities have been, and continue to be,
discriminated and excluded from the workforce.
So what do we do with all of this language shifting,
short of not saying anything? Where there is no risk,
there is no reward. Stretching out of your comfort zone
by having dialogue with people who are different
increases your opportunity to succeed. You wisely
choose not to use profanity in your daily conversations
as you know it offends others. This matters because
profanity limits your effectiveness professionally and
personally. Your reputation and image are blemished.
Essentially you are sabotaging yourself. Many people
experience your misuse of terminology as equally
offensive. Therefore, you must take proper action which
increases the quality of your vocabulary.
Your willingness to risk saying the wrong thing will be
uncomfortable and embarrassing in the short term. Yet
in the long term, the benefits far exceed the shorter-term
consequences. This risk taking is an essential element to
your growth and building significant connections.
If you use a word that is no longer seen as acceptable,
you may be judged as a bigot. On the other hand, if you
are a person that offers suggestions to someone as to a
more compassionate terminology, you are often seen as
being politically correct and all of the negative judgments
attached with the term are thrust upon you. Even the
term politically correct is a relatively new term, created
out of frustration by people who felt under fire by the
constant updating of language, or by people who simply
refuse to alter their language because they may view it as
petty or as an assault on their personal liberty.
Here’s an example of when I used a word that I had
no idea was problematic, yet one of my black
colleagues found offensive. During a meeting I used the
word “blackmail.” My black colleague asked me, “What
did you say?” Thinking she did not hear me, I repeated
my previous statement which still included the word
“blackmail.” Again she questioned me. She was not
disrespectful, nor was she aggressive, yet I still did not
understand what the problem was. Finally she said that
she found the word to have racist connotations and
suggested I use a different word in the future such as
“coerced.” Embarrassed and somewhat humiliated, I
replaced the word “blackmail” with “coerced.” That
seemed to alleviate the problem and I continued on with
my remarks. For the remainder of the meeting I felt
my humiliation beginning to well up inside me. I just
did not understand what the big deal was and why she
had to correct me in front of all of our colleagues.
But THIS became the critical moment of decision. I
wondered, “Do I catch up with her at the end of the
meeting and talk with her about it, or do I leave the
meeting making assumptions and feeling unsettled?” The
importance of making this decision cannot be
overstated, for it is essential in making the bridge
towards effective communication.
To finish this story, I did speak with her at the end
of the meeting and to both of our credit, it was a very
fruitful conversation which allowed us to have other such
conversations in the future.
I learned that by understanding how people are
impacted by words and statements clears the way for
better communication, and dramatically increase your
effectiveness as a leader.
Even though I continue to make naïve statements,
which tend to alienate the very people I am trying to
connect with, I have learned to respond in a more
effective manner. I try not to fix it, negate it, make light
of it, or pretend I didn’t say it, in the hopes that they
didn’t hear me. This doesn’t mean my attempts always
work, but the odds are much better if I don’t simply
ignore the problem.As we proceed to explore some of
the most common statements which act as pitfalls to
effective communication, bear in mind what your
ultimate goal or outcome is that you want to achieve. If
your ultimate goal is to build better connections with
people of varying viewpoints, then this book will offer
you effective strategies to be successful. If your goal is to
be “right” or to “win” the debate, then your results will
be very different. Too often we get stuck in trying to
convince the other person of our perspective and that we
are right. Of course, the stronger we try to convince
them, the more likely they will get defensive or stop
listening to us. Therefore, we should always start with the
end in mind, which is to decide what we want our
outcome to be and working backwards.
When it comes to doing the right thing, good
intentions are not enough. However, just because we put
our foot in our mouth on occasion, all is not lost.
Building a set of skills by which to communicate will
have a powerful effect on every relationship in your life.
These skills or competencies are transferable to any
conversation, with anyone, at any time. They are
particularly helpful in dialogues around issues of diversity,
given the sometimes- v o l a t i l e nature of these
conversations. Following are some of the skills and core
concepts which are critical for your success.
“Sometimes we are so afraid of saying the wrong things
that we make the biggest mistake of all and say nothing.”
Maura J Cullen
THE 10 CORE
CONCEPTS
Chapter Two
Core Concept #1
INT E NT V S IM PA CT
Even well-intended people cause harm. As such, people
will often make statements which they intend or
perceive to be supportive or complimentary, yet end up
becoming problematic.
Often these statements are made when we are
experiencing some discomfort, or when we are trying
very hard to let the other person know that we are a
“good” person who “gets it.” Meant as joining
statements, these remarks often have the opposite effect
and end up creating a larger divide, and at times even
angering the other person. Unfortunately, many of us
are not aware that we have done anything harmful.
The sooner we are able to understand the impact our
words or actions have on others, the sooner we will
transform the quality of our interactions. The worst
possible way to react when we have caused harm is to
become defensive or dismissive. Accepting responsibility
for our mistakes is essential in building a positive
connection.
One familiar way this concept shows up is when
someone tells a joke or uses a particular word that the
other person takes offense to. Many of us become
defensive and even upset that the other person appears to
be taking the joke personally when we didn’t mean
anything by it. We even take it one step further and say
or think, “It was only a joke, lighten up!” This action
ends up only upsetting the other person even more.
The first step in being willing to accept responsibility
is to understand that even well-intended people can cause
harm.
This concept is the cornerstone to initiating and
sustaining successful and meaningful conversations. Just
because we don’t intend or mean to hurt someone with
our words, doesn’t mean it still doesn’t do just that.
Apologizing is a critical action step to take, it may
lessen the hurt, but it still cannot take away the impact.
Once a comment or action is put out there, it is
impossible to reverse the process. By accepting
responsibility for our actions, or at times lack of action,
the healing process will begin much sooner.
Let’s look at an example of Intent vs. Impact as it
relates to race.
Perhaps the most common dumb statement wellintended white people say is, “Some of my best friends
are Black, Latina, Asian, etc…” The intention of the
white person is to let the person of color know that they
have some experience with people of a different race.
With this experience is the assumption that they know
what it is like to be a member of that group that we fully
understand the challenges and issues that people of color
face. However, good intentions do not always translate
into good outcomes.
The impact it may have on the person of color can be
very frustrating. As hard as a white person may try to
understand what it is like to be a person of color in this
society, it is impossible to fully grasp the depth that race
has on our society. For the person of color, hearing the
statement may be experienced as, “Since some of my best
friends are…then there is no way I can be racist.”
One way that white people try to avoid the negative
label of being racist is to focus on our intention. We
think as long as we didn’t intend to cause harm then we
should be afforded the benefit of the doubt and forgiven.
People of color, on the other hand, tend to focus on the
impact it has on them. It is very difficult to give people
the benefit of the doubt when they refuse to accept
responsibility for their actions. The following example is
an illustration of this concept.
If you were driving a car and took your eyes off the
road for a moment (not hard to imagine in a world of
cell phones and multi-tasking), and ran someone over,
chances are you would say that you didn’t intend to run
them over, but rather you took your eyes off the road for
a moment. You may even go so far as to try to blame the
person who was hit, saying, “Where did you come from?
You ran out of nowhere!” On the other hand, the person
who was hit and is now under your car is most likely
focusing on the impact of your careless behavior, which
has ended in their being transported to the hospital.
As the person who was careless, there are several ways
you could respond to this incident. One option is to
blame the victim by suggesting that it was somehow
their fault because they were not paying attention or
being careful enough. Or you may try to shift the focus
by saying that you did not intend to hurt them - that this
was all a terrible accident. Yes, accidents do happen.
However, most accidents occur because someone is being
careless. Lastly, you could choose the option which takes
responsibility for your carelessness, pick up the pieces and
try to make things as right as possible.
“Think about everything you believe
but do not believe everything you think!”
Maura J Cullen
Core Concept #2
P ILE O N P RINCIP LE (P. O . P.)
The Pile On Principle (P.O.P.) is critical in
understanding why people sometimes overreact. It is
easily demonstrated by the parent who loses their
patience after the tenth time their child has asked the
same question over and over again, despite the parent
telling them to stop. For many, overreacting comes from
the experience of being asked the same questions a
multitude of times over a lifetime; these questions are
outlined in the “35 Dumb Things Well-Intended People
Say” section.
However, to truly demonstrate the power of P.O.P,
let’s take a look at a longer example. Say you get up in
the morning on the proverbial “wrong side of the bed.”
The first thing you do is to stub your toe. Not a good
start to the morning.
When you arrive at work, a colleague accidentally
steps on the same foot you hurt that morning. They say
they are sorry - they didn’t mean to hurt you. Of course
you accept their apology and tell them “No problem!”
even though it hurts and you are frustrated. Just because
they didn’t intend to harm you doesn’t mean it doesn’t
hurt (Intent vs. Impact). It still hurts!
Then, while meeting a friend for lunch that afternoon
in a busy restaurant, the waiter accidentally drops a tray
of food on that same foot. Now your foot hurts more
than ever and you are about to lose control. You are
angry and frustrated, but you don’t want to freak out in
public, so you limp out of the restaurant, quietly seething
inside.
Now, in order to protect your foot from any further
harm, you start to create more space between yourself
and other people to avoid having someone else
inadvertently stomp on your injured toe, as you are tired
of experiencing pain.
As you arrive home from a long day, (with your foot
still throbbing), you gratefully kick off your shoes and try
to relax. Sensing that you have had a bad day, your
partner brings you a cold drink. Unfortunately, as he
hands you the drink, he accidentally brushes his shoe
against your injured toe. All of a sudden, you shoot up
in frustration, hurt and enraged, and begin to yell at
your partner. It’s as though your foot has a big bull’s-eye
target stamped on it that says “Step on me today.” You
are so tired of getting stepped on and being hurt all day
long, that you end up taking it out on the person who
has hurt you the least.
As you are going through the process of venting your
frustration, your partner is looking at you like you’ve
suddenly sprouted ten heads. He is thinking that he
barely touched you and that you are overreacting. He
begins to get defensive and somewhat annoyed with you.
He has no idea of the events that have taken place over
the course of your day. He only sees the snapshot of the
moment he brushed against your foot. Yet if he had seen
a video of the entire day and witnessed how often you
were hurt, then he most likely would have more empathy
for you.
That was one day in the life of your foot. Now
imagine a lifetime of hurt being piled on hurt, of being
told you’re not good enough, or having derogatory
words or jokes continually directed at you. In order to
avoid some of this pain, many of us create barriers or
distance between ourselves and others in an effort to
save ourselves from incurring more pain. In real life, we
usually only see snapshots of people’s experience and
base our perceptions on those one or two examples. The
most important element to bear in mind is that we all
have videos of our past experiences, and some of the not
so positive ones can pile up, until one day we cry out in
pain and frustration or lash out.
If you are the person who tells a joke that offends
someone, or uses a word that annoys another, remember
that you are only seeing a “snapshot” of this person. It is
very likely that there is a long video history of pain that
has been piled too high for too long and they are finally
reacting now. Instead of getting defensive and criticizing
the person for overreacting, demonstrating empathy will
likely deescalate their frustration and increase the
probability of a connection with that person.
Here is a more concrete example which demonstrates
this process. Let’s take the experience of a Latina
woman. She grew up hearing many derogatory words
about Latinos and Hispanics, many of which were
directed at her. In high school, her white guidance
counselor suggested that she take classes to learn a skill so
that she could get a job right after high school. He never
raised the possibility of her going to college. Despite his
lack of encouragement and support, she attends college
on an academic scholarship.
After graduation, she gets a job and during her first
week hears remarks that she was hired to fill a “quota.”
Later that week, her boss calls her into the office and
tells her to refrain from speaking Spanish at work
because it makes non-Spanish speakers feel
uncomfortable. As she heads back to her desk she
overhears a couple of her co-workers telling some racial
jokes. Things are piling up quickly. She calls a friend to
meet her after work to have coffee so that she can vent
some of her frustrations. As she walks to the table at the
restaurant, another customer assumes she is a waitress and
asks for more water. Bad day? Perhaps. An unusual day
for a Latina? Perhaps not.
“Some people want to learn things they do not know,
while others do not wish to know
the things they have learned.”
Maura J Cullen
Core Concept #3
E XP L A IN AWAYS
When people come to you with a problem, it is
instinctual to try and fix it. After all, why else would
they be sharing this problem with you? In your attempt
to fix the problem however, you may inadvertently be
adding to it.
Have you ever had the experience of speaking with
someone and the only expectation you had was to vent?
You didn’t want them to fix the problem, negate it or
explain it - you just wanted them to listen. Their attempts
to fix it or explain it away often has an adverse effect on
you which increases your frustration. It’s as though they
don’t believe we are capable of resolving our own
problems. This is just another example of a well-intended
person wanting to help, but having a negative impact.
Here’s an example of an explain away.
Car dealers are notorious for treating female
customers as second class citizens. Personally, I have had
the displeasure of such an experience when I have gone
to buy a new car. Typically when a customer comes onto
a car lot, a salesperson is quick to greet them as most
salespeople are paid by commission.
After much research, I went to three different car
dealerships to test drive the cars I was interested in
purchasing. Purposely, I had decided to go during the
week in order to avoid the weekend rush of customers.
When I arrived at the first lot, not one salesperson came
to greet me even though I was the only customer there
at the time. After fifteen minutes had passed, I decided
to go in to speak with a salesperson. Immediately I
noticed four men (all who were salespeople), standing
around chatting and drinking coffee. They were
strategically positioned near the window so that they
would be able to monitor the car lot as new customers
came in, so it is a good bet that they saw me enter the
lot. As I entered the showroom area, I still did not
receive any acknowledgment or service. Finally, I had to
interrupt their conversation in order to have some of
my questions addressed.
A similar experience happened at one of the other
dealerships as well. (This is also an example of P.O.P
(Pile On Principle). Because I felt mistreated at the first
dealership, I was a bit more hesitant when I went to the
next dealership, concerned that I might be mistreated
again. When the same thing did happen, I was even
more agitated than the first time it occurred. By the time
I arrived at the third dealership, I felt almost certain that I
would be mistreated once again. As a result, I was very
cautious and did not trust that I would be treated with
respect.
Thankfully, at the third dealership I had a very
different and positive experience. It should be noted here
that I ended up buying my car at the third dealership.
Never would I have purchased my car at either of the fi
two dealerships after the treatment I received. Not
understanding these core concepts of intent/impact and
the Pile On Principle, cost those salesmen their
commission.
Customers are very loyal to those who serve them
well and treat them with respect, and tend to tell
others about the positive experience they’ve had dealing
with these specific companies or businesses.
When my car shopping expedition was complete, I
described my experience to two of my friends - one man
and one woman. Immediately, the woman began
nodding her head in affirmation and letting me know
that she understood my experience. This was very
comforting to me as it validated how I was feeling.
My male friend had a very different reaction, a more
defensive posture. He tried to rationalize and explain
away why my experience had nothing to do with gender.
I cannot speak to his intent, whether it was to explain
away the salesmen’s behavior, or to eliminate the
possibility of sexism in order to make me feel better.
Regardless, his reaction made me feel dismissed and
belittled.
The key to this dynamic is not the intent, but rather
the impact. Is it possible that everything that happened to
me could be explained by factors other than the sexism?
Absolutely. It could be explained away in a number of
ways. Perhaps the men were all out back and didn’t see
me come onto the lot. Maybe they had been dealing
with customers on the phone and just finished their calls
as I entered the showroom. Or even still, maybe they
weren’t ignoring me because I was a woman; they may
have made assumptions on the way I was dressed that I
could not afford one of their cars. Any of these reasons
are plausible. Is it also possible that they responded the
way they did out of sexism? Absolutely
Instead of trying to explain away my experience at the
dealership, a better approach my male friend could have
taken was to simply acknowledge what had happened
to me. Both my female friend and I would have been
better served if he had said something like, “That must
have been frustrating” or “Has a similar thing like that
happened to you before?” Bear in mind that
acknowledging my experience did not mean that he had
to agree with it. When people are put into the position of
having to legitimize their experiences, the divide
continues to widen. Instead of offering possible
explanations or solutions, it’s best if you let them talk...
and you listen. One of the best ways to reduce our
frustration is to have someone listen to us without them
trying to fix it.
Core Concept #4
IN- G RO U P/ O U T- G RO U P
L A NG U A G E
We often get confused as to why some people can use
derogatory words or jokes and it is acceptable, while
others who say exactly the same thing are judged and
receive negative reactions. The answer is easy. If you are
not a member of the group being described by the
derogatory words, then it is best not to use it! We could
get into the debate as to whether or not this is fair, but
you would be wasting your breath. Fair or not, it is what
it is. Let’s look at a familiar example.
“Sticks and stones may break my bones but
words can scar a lifetime.”
Maura J Cullen
For those of you who have siblings, this analogy will
be especially easy. Let’s say that you are using negative
adjectives about one of your siblings to a friend - about
how your brother or sister is this or that. The next day,
that friend uses the very same words about your sibling
that you had. Now how do you respond? For many, we
tend to get defensive and angry at our friend. How dare
they say that about my sibling! Who do they think they
are? You, like many, might get defensive and angry at
your friend. All of a sudden you become your siblings’
strongest advocate. You chastise your friend and they
haven’t any idea of what they have done. After all, they
are using the very same words that you had used the day
before. The difference? There seems to be an unspoken
rule about this. As long as you are within the “group,”
you can get away with saying what you want. If you are
outside the group, just don’t go there.
An example of In-Group/Out-Group language is the
use of the terms “fag” and “dyke.” Both of these words
are used in the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender
(GLBT) communities with little controversy. By
adopting a more positive slant on the words, the GLBT
community’s intent is to reclaim their own power which
these words were created to thwart.
When heterosexuals use these terms, they are seen by
GLBT people as still having the negative historical
perspective which heterosexuals created. Even if
heterosexuals have friends who are GLBT and don’t
mind them using “fag” and “dyke”, it is best to refrain.
You never know who else might be listening or how it
may be taken.
Core Concept #5
A DVA NTA G E D A ND
DISA DVA NTA G E D G RO U P
IDE NT IT IE S
Many different terms are used to describe the
dynamics of advantaged and disadvantaged groups.
Some of the other terms used to describe advantaged
groups are: dominant, privileged, oppressor and
majority. Some terms used to describe disadvantaged
groups are: subordinate, target, oppressed and minority.
For the purposes of this book, I will be using the terms
advantaged and disadvantaged, as it speaks to the
dynamics of difference and inequality in a very simple
and straightforward manner.
The concept of advantaged/disadvantaged is simple, yet
the dynamics are complicated. For the most part we
have very little, if any, control over our status as
advantaged or
“You don’t always get rewarded for doing
what is right. In fact, at times we get
rewarded for doing what is wrong.”
Maura J Cullen
disadvantaged. It is not so much a “blame game” as it is
a “name game.” Meaning that whatever group you have
been named or identified as, will determine some of your
status in the power and privilege pecking order we call
life. The thing about privilege is that those who have it
did nothing to earn it. Privilege is given as a result of
your group membership, and having this membership
gives them an advantage over others. In order to fully
grasp the roots of oppression and privilege and why
there is so much adversity when talking of diversity, this
concept must be understood.
People in the advantaged groups are institutionally and
culturally in power. People in the disadvantaged groups
do not have that same power and privilege, institutionally
and culturally. This is not to suggest disadvantaged
people are not powerful people. In fact, the saying,
“What doesn’t break us makes us stronger” is often an
accurate saying for people in these groups. In order to
demonstrate the concept of Advantaged/ Disadvantaged
groups, I’ve compiled an abbreviated list of categories.
There are many more groups beyond the ones I
mention here.
Race:
White people are Advantaged
People of Color are Disadvantaged
Gender:
Men are Advantaged
Women and Transgender People are Disadvantaged
Religion:
Christians are Advantaged
Non-Christians are Disadvantaged
Sexual Orientation: Heterosexuals
are Advantaged
Gays, lesbians, bisexuals are Disadvantaged
Age:
Middle-aged people are Advantaged
Young and very old are Disadvantaged
Socio-economic class:
Middle to Upper class people are Advantaged
Poor or working class people are Disadvantaged
Ability:
Able-bodied people are Advantaged
People with Disabilities are Disadvantaged
“Diversity training takes good people and
makes them better. Yet being a good person
is not enough.You need skills and
awareness to make a significant positive
impact.”
Maura J Cullen
Core Concept #6
P RIV ILE G E
In terms of a definition, privilege can best be
described as access to resources based solely on the
person’s status as a member of the advantaged group.
Privilege is a concept that many people in advantaged
groups have difficulty understanding or accepting. A
common reaction is to become defensive and feel they
are being categorized unfairly. It’s as though they are
being accused of cheating when they haven’t done
anything wrong. Privilege is given, not earned. It is
distributed based on what group a person belongs to,
rather than what they have or have not accomplished.
One of my favorite quotes is by Barry Switzer who says,
“Some people are born on third base and go through life
thinking they’ve hit a triple.” People in advantaged
groups need to be reminded that they have been given a
head start, that their journey begins on third base
without even taking a swing. Whether or not they asked
for this head start is irrelevant - they have it. What
matters most is what they do with their privilege.
Let me give you a couple of examples. The first
example speaks to white privilege. Many white people
often say that they have earned everything they achieved
in their lives, without
acknowledging that they have been given a bit of a “racial
head start” or advantage so to speak. This is not to
discount the accomplishments that many white people
have worked hard for, but simply believing that they
have earned everything without acknowledging the
benefits given by the mere fact they are white is naïve.
Here is a list of privileges that white people experience
often without knowing:
• White people can be hired for a job and not be
accused of getting it because of a “quota.”
• White people can make mistakes and not have it
serve as an example as to why their entire race is not
competent.
• White people can go shopping and be assured that
they will not be followed because of their color or
because they are thought to be a shoplifter.
• White people won’t hesitate to call police for
assistance. Police are seen as helpful and will likely
believe their account of a situation. Police are not
viewed as a threat to their safety.
• White history, otherwise known as “history,” is
taught at every level at every school in this country.
• White people can go to most any store and find hair
care products, band-aids, cosmetics, etc. to match
their skin color.
Another example of privilege is heterosexual privilege
and the institution of marriage. With the exception of
the states of Massachusetts and California, only
heterosexual couples can be legally married. They don’t
have to “do” anything but be heterosexual, and they
automatically gain the privilege of marriage, with all of
the legal rights and benefits associated with that
institution.
Married
heterosexual
couples
are
automatically given many legal rights such as spousal
health insurance, recipient of a spouse’s pension plan,
ability to visit a spouse in the hospital when visitation is
limited to only “family” members, tax benefits, ability to
adopt children without regard to sexual orientation,
discounts on memberships to fitness clubs etc. The list
goes on and on.
Not only are there legal privileges and benefits there
is the issue of social acceptance as well. Society builds
entire industries to support and encourage heterosexual
marriages. From wedding planning, shower registries,
honeymoon destinations, to the assurance that you can
introduce a loved one to family members without fear
of rejection, are a few of the distinctions heterosexuals
enjoy. Simply purchasing a greeting card for a loved one
becomes a challenging task for gay and lesbian couples
because the wording and pictures on the card are
composed for heterosexuals.
“Consistency of behavior can ultimately be
unfair.”
Maura J Cullen
Core Concept #7
BE ING CO NSIST E NT IS NO T
A LWAYS F A IR
Let me pose this question: In order to be fair, does one
need to be consistent? I recall having my first meeting
with a new work group where I had asked them to
create a list of values they would like to see in a
supervisor. On that list were the words fair and
consistent. After some thought, I said to the group that
sometimes being fair and consistent are one and the
same. However, there are also times when the two
concepts will be competing. For example, in order to be
fair to all those involved, it might mean that I would not
be consistent in my response. This concept can strike
quite a bit of adversity when discussing issues of diversity
and difference. Is it fair to treat people differently? This
thought process led to a very helpful and insightful
conversation which guided some of our values and
expectations of one another in the year which followed.
Let’s look at an example. Say you and some friends go
out to eat. When the bill arrives, someone suggests that
to make it easier you should split the bill evenly among
all of you. This is definitely consistent, but is it fair?
What if your meal only cost $10, and your friends’ meals
and their drinks total between $20-$30 each? In this
scenario it would not be fair to expect everyone to pay
the same amount. Fairness in this case would mean
treating people differently.
A F F IRM AT IV E A CT IO N
One of the more contentious topics when discussing
issues of diversity is Affirmative Action. This phrase was
first introduced in 1961 by President John F. Kennedy
when he created the committee on Equal Employment
Opportunity. It mandated that federally funded projects
need to take “Affirmative Action,” ensuring hiring and
employment practices are free from racial bias. In 1965,
President Lyndon Johnson signed Executive Order
11246, enforcing Affirmative Action policy. This was
later amended in 1967 to include gender bias as well. In
theory, adhering to this policy would create equal access
to opportunity for all.
How these goals were, and still are implemented today,
take many forms. One common way is in the informal
practice of quotas. Filling quotas was never the intent
nor the letter of the law for Affirmative Action.
However, some people use the terms interchangeably.
Opponents of Affirmative Action will state that it is
both an unfair and unwise practice - one that advances
people not on merit but by identity. The argue that the
ultimate goals of diversity objectives are to provide
people with equal access without bias and prejudice. The
notion of Affirmative Action, in their opinion, is doing
just that - gaining an unfair advantage at the expense of
others. Many white men may feel that they are the ones
whose opportunities are sacrificed in this push for
diversity.
On the other hand, people who support Affirmative
Action believe that unless the status quo is challenged,
nothing will change; that the informal practice of
nepotism, which has become the standard, will continue
to exist. This practice, many will state, is the practice of
white men hiring a disproportionate number of other
white men, or at times white women. In order to level
the playing field and provide equal access and
opportunity to all, everyone should be afforded the
chance to compete. Affirmative Action is a way to hire
the most talented and competent people who otherwise
might be overlooked or ignored. It is also a vehicle to
attract a diverse workforce with many backgrounds and
varying perspectives.
Core Concept #8
A LLIE S
An ally is a member of the advantaged group who takes
action against injustice with the belief that all will benefit,
not just those from disadvantaged groups. Being an ally is
often easier said than done. It is a continual process of
challenging common practices and beliefs. Being an ally
takes fortitude and a willingness to right the wrongs of
injustice.
“Most times knowing what is right is the
easy part; it is in the doing that tests our
courage.”
Maura J Cullen
There are many ways for people to demonstrate their
power as an ally. Participating in a protest or march,
confronting derogatory remarks or jokes, acknowledging
and identifying unjust practices, donating money to
certain causes or organizations, writing an article or a
letter to the editor, and furthering your self- education
are a few examples. Less assertive ways would include not
laughing at derogatory jokes or comments and even
walking away from the group. This can also be a
powerful statement.
Examples of ally behavior includes someone without a
disability working towards accessibility issues; men
organizing a group to eliminate rape and sexual assault,
or a white person challenging a racist joke or comment.
Recently I returned from a training seminar where I
demonstrated the very pitfalls described in this book that
I want people to avoid. During the course of this three
day retreat, I stepped into some of the traps which I am
sharing with you now. After the seminar was over, I felt
sad and regretful that I did not respond the way I would
have liked.
In this instance, a white man was using an explain away
with a woman of color, trying to convince her that an
experience she was describing had nothing to do with her
racial identity. This led to the woman of color having to
defend and legitimize her own experience - not a fun
position for her to be placed, but often a familiar one.
As the seminar facilitator, I failed to intervene which left
a negative impact on some of the people of color.
From their perspective, I was just another white person
who is “supposed to get it,” but didn’t speak up and left it
to the people of color to do the educating. This is a
frequent occurrence that people from the disadvantaged
groups experience and one which decreases levels of trust
between people of color and whites.
One of my colleagues, a man of color, who was also
in the training seminar, confronted me later about my
silence and lack of action. He was frustrated and
disappointed that I did not intervene as a white ally. Of
course I felt terrible. I wanted to explain away what I
had done so that he would cut me some slack. Yet that
would have made an already bad situation worse. So I
merely sat there, wishing it were all over so that I could
return to the safety of my hotel room.
When I returned to my hotel room, I was angry; not
only at myself, but at the people of color as well. My
thought process included things like, “What do “they”
want from me? At least I am a white person who is trying
to make things right, but still I get criticized.” It felt like
no matter what I did or didn’t do, I could never get it
right. A part of me wanted to say, “I give up! Why should
I even bother trying if all I am going to get in return is
grief?” But that is the point. I was looking for them to
give me something in return, perhaps a pat on the back,
an appreciative smile, a simple acknowledgement. Here’s
the thing: if we only try to do the right thing when we’re
sure to receive praise for it, then there will be many
experiences when we don’t take the right action. As a
result we end up being ineffective in our efforts to level
the playing field. The challenge becomes doing the right
thing even when others don’t reward us.
Here’s an illustration. Imagine you are driving your car
and you come upon a crosswalk with people wanting to
cross the street. The rule of the road says that we must
stop our car and let the people cross as they have the right
away. But the thing is this: you are in a car which is a very
powerful deterrent to people who want to cross. You
think you are doing the right thing by stopping and
allowing them to cross. You believe you deserve a smile
or a hand wave as appreciation for your thoughtfulness.
However, they neglect to thank you. Do you run them
over when they are at the half-way point of the crosswalk?
Being a member of advantaged groups is like being the
driver of the car. You have lots of power and control that
could determine other people’s experience.
Being an ally can be an unpredictable and bumpy road,
filled with uncertainty. One thing that you can be certain
of is that as an ally you WILL make mistakes; you will
disappoint yourself at times and disappoint others as well.
It is not a role for the meek. Being an ally is like seeking
perfection in an imperfect world.
Given everything I have described in this section, why
in the world would anyone want to be an ally? There are
many ways to respond to this question and it differs for
every person. For me, it means maintaining my sense of
integrity. The consequences of not being one far
outweigh the hassles of doing my best to be a good ally.
An ally is someone people can count on not necessarily
to always get it right, but someone who cares enough to
hang in there when the going gets tough.
Basically it boils down to this: if people are willing to
mistreat and discriminate against one group of people, it
is just a matter of time before this mistreatment gets to
you. Therefore, it is in your best interest to help eradicate
prejudice and inequity when you witness it. Taking
immediate action disrupts the cycle of ignorance and
bigotry.
Core Concept #9
RA ISING T H E B. A . R.
One of the most powerful tools I have found in dealing
with events or conversations about diversity is the
acronym B.A.R. I wanted to create a simple yet effective
way to deal with my emotions when someone was doing
or saying things that I found offensive. In the past I
would get very angry at what someone was saying or
doing and immediately react, which was not always the
best course of action. It was the old adage of “openmouth- insert-foot,” so I developed this term that I like
to think of as “Raising the B.A.R.” The concept may be
simple, but do not underestimate the power it has when
you put it into action.
What follows is a description of two very different
models of communication. The first, B.A.R., is the more
desirable of the two as it creates a respectful and more
compassionate exchange. The second model, R.A.B.
(B.A.R. in reverse) is an ineffective and harmful mode of
communication.
B.
The letter “B” in B.A.R., reminds us to Breathe
when we get into stressful situations. Breathing is one of
the most effective, but underutilized tools available. As you
sit here reading this, I invite you to take a deep breath.
I mean it. Please take a deep breath. When we do this
it serves several purposes.
1. It relaxes us, which is always a good
way to approach a stressful
conversation.
2. It sends oxygen to our brains,
which also serves us well.
3. It buys us some time so that we can
choose a better response.
4. Most important we cannot speak when
we are trying to breathe. This saves us
from the “open mouth - insert foot”
drama.
“When dealing with anger and frustration
we often choose between imploding and
exploding our emotions. Neither is a wise
decision.”
Maura J Cullen
I mean it. Please take a deep breath. When we do
this, it serves several purposes.
5. It relaxes us, which is always a good
way to approach a stressful
conversation.
6. It sends oxygen to our brains,
which also serves us well.
7. It buys us some time so that we can
choose a better response.
8. Most important we cannot speak when
we are trying to breathe. This saves us
from the “open mouth - insert foot”
drama.
A. The letter “A” in B.A.R., suggests that we Acknowledge
what the other person is saying. Vital to your success
in achieving this challenging goal is to understand
one very important distinction. In order to
acknowledge what someone else is saying, you do not
have to agree with them.
Acknowledging can be actively listening and repeating
back to the person what they are saying, to make certain
that you fully understand what they mean. You may also
ask clarifying questions or ask them to give you some
examples. Ask them how they arrived at such a
conclusion. The most important part of this stage is that
the other person feels as though they have been heard and
that you understand. It does not necessarily mean you
agree with what they are trying to communicate.
R.
The letter “R” in B.A.R., has us Responding to
the other person. Notice that this is the last step in a
three-stage process, not the first step which usually occurs
in our conversations. Making it the final stage and not
the first, you accomplish two things. The first is the
notion of “seek first to understand before being
understood.”
The beauty of this is that once a person gets a chance to
speak their mind and feel understood, they are more
likely to listen to what you have to say. Secondly, we are
able to formulate a better response given this
understanding and are less reactionary.
In our less than perfect moments as human beings, we
sometimes do this process in reverse, bringing about a very
different result. Instead of doing B.A.R., we do R.A.B.
Here is the three step process in reverse showing the exact
opposite result of what we’re trying to achieve.
R.
Instead of Responding, we React. There are
many times in our lives when reacting is a very good
thing, such as moving your hand away from a hot stove
or ducking when an object is coming at you. Being in the
middle of a heated discussion is not one of those times.
Many of us have had the experience of saying something
out of reaction without giving it any thought, and have
come to regret that choice. The major difference between
Responding and Reaction is thought. A decision based
out of thought will almost always be the better choice.
The reason why it is essential to breathe as a first step is
that it buys you time to formulate one coherent thought.
As I have already mentioned, when you take a deep
intentional breath it is impossible to speak, thereby saving
you from saying something you might regret.
A. Instead of Acknowledging, we Attack. When we
don’t like what the other person is saying, we take
offense and go on the attack. Sometimes we make a
personal attack on the person or we attack what they
are saying. Either way, the other person is unlikely to
respond favorably to what you have said. This is the
step, which usually gets us into trouble. We get so
caught up in our emotions that we feel as though we
have little control over what we say, as if our words
are on automatic pilot. The truth is that we do have
control, and choosing to go on the attack is almost
always a bad choice.
B. After all of the energy we have just spent on reacting
and attacking we need to Breathe. It is not like the
deep cleansing breath we took in the other approach,
rather the kind of breath that a fighter takes in
between boxing rounds. It’s as though we are
catching our breath quickly so that the other person
cannot get their say.
Here’s an illustration. I was conducting a day long
diversity seminar and one of the participants took offense
that I am lesbian. He shared with the group his religious
convictions, stated that I was a sinner,and was going to
hell (this is the abbreviated version). This caught people’s
attention and the room seemed to have stopped breathing
as they waited for my response. There was a time in my
life when I would have reacted very strongly to him,
accusing him of being a hypocrite, and asking him who
was he to judge people? I probably would have gone on to
say that he was the one going to hell and whatever else I
could shout at him before I needed to take another breath.
Truth be told, there are some days that I still might be
tempted to react in an aggressive and judgmental manner,
as it is very frustrating to be continually discriminated
against. From having my home and cars damaged to
receiving death threats, the Pile On Principle could have
me responding in ways I would rather not.
On that day, in that moment, with that person, I must
have done something right, because despite our obvious
disagreements we were still able to manage a meaningful
exchange. As he was making his comments to me, I
immediately began taking some deep breaths to calm
myself. When he was done talking, I asked him if I could
ask a couple of clarifying questions. The I acknowledged
what courage it took for him to say what he said. I
continued to acknowledge that he was not the fi or the last
person in the world to have those beliefs, that I grew up
hearing some of those same comments and understood
how he came to those conclusions. I also acknowledged
that his comments and perspective were an important part
of this experience. Once I felt I had done a good job of
acknowledging his position, I gave my response. I told
him that as passionate and proud he was of his religious
identity, I was equally passionate and proud of who and
what I am, and that our positions could not be further
apart from one another. I shared with him and the group
the impact of having comments like those directed towards
me and other gay people and the toll it takes on all of us.
At the next break during the seminar, he came to thank
me for treating him with respect and for not ridiculing
him or his beliefs. It was then that I reflected on the
previous interaction with him and created the elements,
w h i c h led to this successful exchange - Breathe,
Acknowledge, Respond.
“At times we do the right thing for the
wrong reasons, and other times we do the
wrong thing for the right reasons.”
Maura J Cullen
Core Concept #10
BYSTA NDE R BE H AV IO R
Sir Edmund Burke stated, “The only thing necessary
for evil to triumph is for good people to do nothing.”
Perhaps there is no better quote than this to illustrate
Bystander Behavior. The concept is very easy to
understand, but avoiding its clutches is very different.
Most of us have had the experience of witnessing
someone being mistreated or ridiculed and doing
absolutely nothing. We stood there and watched it
happen. Too often I have felt guilty or ashamed that I
did not respond in a manner that I could be proud of. I
have come to know however, that my lack of action is an
action in and of itself.
Where bystander behavior is the most challenging is
with family and friends. It is much easier at times to
challenge a stranger, but far more intimidating to
challenge people we love or people with whom we work.
There is more on the line and far more to risk. As a
result, we are tempted to just to let their derogatory
remarks or jokes slide by without comment from us.
Perhaps our reason for not taking action is the fear,
real and/ or perceived, of being fired from our job, losing
a promotion or not being liked. Not being liked is a
more common fear than people may admit. They don’t
want to say anything to alienate others, and the truth is
we all like to be liked.
There are hosts of reasons, which influence our
decision not to take action, and some of them are more
“legitimate” than others. The e will be times that not
taking action is the wiser course. For instance, if taking
action would put you in harm’s way, or if you think your
intervention would be more productive at another time,
then it’s best to consider an alternate plan. Sometimes we
don’t do anything because we do not know what it is that
we should do. An example of this is when we see an adult
chastising a child or being too rough with them. We
know it is wrong and we want to stop it, but we don’t
know how to do it, or we may not feel as though it is our
role to intervene. Another reason may be the moment
passed so quickly, that by the time we got over our shock
of what had been said or done, it was too late to do
anything.
The reason that prevents many of us from taking
action is fear. We risk so much when we stick our necks
out - our jobs, our friends, how others view us, etc., so we
let the moment pass without leaving our mark, or at least
not one we are ultimately proud of. We might find
ourselves offering explain aways as to why we decided not
to take action. Often we are too afraid to do what we
know in our heart is right. Most times knowing what is
right is the easy part; it is the doing that tests our courage.
There are consequences for everything we do or don’t
do in life. Have you ever been on the other end and have
been the one being ridiculed or mistreated? Perhaps
there were some people whom you thought you could
count on to “cover your back,” but when push came to
shove and it was time for them to show what they were
made of, they remained silent and left you out there by
yourself. Betrayal is a lousy lesson to learn, but it is the
very byproduct of bystander behavior. Once someone
has betrayed your trust, it takes time to rebuild that level
of trust again.
There is far too much bystander behavior with issues of
social justice and diversity. It’s not a matter of people not
caring - most people do care - but rather a matter of
finding the courage and the time to take action despite
some of the consequences.
Now that we understand some of the core concepts in
building a solid foundation towards competency, let’s
look at some of the statements which well-intended
people say that may inadvertently cause harm. Most all of
us have said many of these statements at some point in
our lives without knowing why they were hurtful or
offensive. As we break down each of the pitfalls, we will
look at the intention of the person saying the statement
and what they are trying to convey to the other person.
Breaking down the statements in this manner will
serve as a constant reminder of two of the critical core
concepts; Intent vs. Impact and P.O.P. (Pile On
Principle). In an effort to make this process of successful
communication automatic, we must continually ask
ourselves how these 10 Core Concepts can enhance our
interactions and then take action. We will also look at
how these statements impact the other person and the
best bet of what might be a better way to connect.
“A leader without ethics is like a boat
without a rudder, their decisions
determined by whichever way
the wind blows.”
Maura J Cullen
THE 35 DUMB THINGS
WELL-I NTENDED
PEOPLE SAY
Chapter Three
1. “SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE…
(Black, Gay, Muslim, Asian, etc...)”
INT E NT IO N
The intention is to let the other person know that we
have some personal experience with people from other
group memberships like themselves. It is meant to
make the other person feel comfortable, to build rapport
and credibility.
IMPACT
This statement will almost always solicit a roll of the
eyes. So what if some of your friends are (fill in the
blank)? It feels as though you are showing a membership
card for a group of which you are not a member. Just
because you know someone who has a disability, doesn’t
mean you know everything there is to know about all
people with disabilities. Nor should it suggest that your
friends’ experience is the same as the person with whom
you are speaking. As soon as you make that remark, the
person who is receiving the comment will most likely be
offended and sincerely doubt that you do indeed have
such friends.
BEST BE T
Don’t try so hard. Speak of your friends as it is
appropriate, not as a way to gain points. It is also wise to
stay away from a line which will cause similar reactions;
“My friend, who HAPPENS to be…”
2.
“I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU
FEEL!”
INT E NT IO N
This comment is used to find some common ground
and to demonstrate your empathy and compassion to the
other person. It is meant to lessen the other person’s
isolation by “normalizing” her/his experience.
IMPACT
The will typically shut the other person down for one
very simple reason; you cannot know exactly how anyone
else feels. Yes, perhaps you have had a similar experience,
but right then the conversation is not about you, it is
about them. Telling a wheelchair user that you know
exactly how they feel because you used a wheelchair for a
month due to an injury minimizes their daily experience.
BEST BE T
Instead of saying “I know exactly how you feel,” you
might have more success if you ask them questions to
further clarify their experience, or to simply
acknowledge the feelings they are expressing. At some
point you may join them with an example of when
something similar happened to you, but always do this
AFTER they have had enough time to talk about
themselves first.
3.
“I DON’T THINK OF YOU AS…”
INT E NT IO N
We are attempting to suggest that this particular
part of their identity does not influence our judgment
of them, and that we are not prejudiced. We are trying
to say that despite this difference, we will treat them the
same, no matter what. It is important that we are
perceived as fair and without bias.
IMPACT
The impact of this statement is that the person ends up
feeling marginalized. The well-intended, this statement
implies that despite their being (fi in blank), you still
accept them or like them. Imagine saying to a man, “I
don’t think of you as a man” - that is just plain silly. How
is he to respond? Should he say “If you don’t see me as a
man, than just what do you see me as?” Of course you
think of him as a man and why shouldn’t you? After all,
he is a man!
BEST BE T
It is best not to discount significant parts of people’s
identities. Making the statement, “I don’t think of you
as…” is a contradiction, for in order to make that
statement you had to think of them exactly in that way.
Best bet is to realize that you do think of them as “…”
and it is okay. There is no need to say otherwise,
especially to that person. Noticing difference is natural.
It is the action we take once we notice the difference that
requires our mindfulness.
4.
“THE SAME THING HAPPENS TO
ME TOO.”
INT E NT IO N
By making this statement, we are trying to build an
instant connection and bond. “The same thing happens to
me” statement puts us both on the same team, with a
joint understanding and shared experience.
IMPACT
So what if the same thing happened to you? Again, we
are not talking about you right now. The impact of this
statement is that the focus of the conversation shifts from
them to you. It is a conversation stopper. You have
interrupted their story and thus lost your chance to make
the connection with them.
Besides, even though a similar thing may have
happened to you, it does not mean it happened in the
same way, or for the same reason, or to the same extent.
Let’s expand the example of Core Concept #2, the
Pile On Principle, to understand this dumb statement
more clearly. That example describes the hurt and
frustration of a person whose foot was stepped on
repeatedly during the course of a day and the toll it took
on them. Now imagine another person who has the same
exact experience over the course of the day. However,
unlike the first person, this individual has a broken foot.
Even though you both experienced being stepped on, the
pain is more excruciating for the person who came into
the situation already having been hurt with a broken
foot.
Here’s another example. When a white person tells
someone of Arab descent that they too get searched at
airports, there is no acknowledgement that it probably
happens more often to people of Arab descent,
especially since 9/11. It probably not only happens
more often, but most likely is based on their racial
identity. By saying it also happens to you suggests that
the reason it may happen to them has nothing to do with
their racial identity. Is this a possibility? Certainly. There
is also a good probability that it has everything to do with
them being Arab. In addition, chances are this is not the
first time it has happened to them, and that it is a
common occurrence.
BEST BE T
Listen to their story fully without interruption. Ask if
this has happened to them before. Try to keep the focus
on them and not shift it to you. At some point later in
the conversation, you might off that a similar thing
happened to you and how it made you feel. However,
it is important to note the difference of the impact due
to group membership as opposed to individual
experience. Remember, the outcome you want is to join
them with a common experience, not “topping” their
story with a “better” one or minimizing their experience
with an explain away.
Never underestimate the power of active listening; of
being fully engaged in what the other person is telling you.
Just listening without judgment is an effective tool to
building rapport.
5. “IT WAS ONLY A JOKE! DON’T TAKE
THINGS SO SERIOUSLY.”
INT E NT IO N
When people use this statement they are often
attempting to lighten up a tense situation by using
humor following an inappropriate remark or joke.
IMPACT
You may as well tell them to shut up because it has the
same effect. It’s a “double whammy.” First, you make an
inappropriate remark or joke, which the person finds
offensive. Second, when the person responds in a serious
manner or confronts you, you then end up insulting
them again for not laughing at your ignorance, by telling
them not to take things so seriously. When men make
sexist remarks and then follow it by blaming a woman’s
reaction on “that time of the month,” it sets into motion
the concept of P.O.P. and the process starts all over again.
BE ST BE T
When it is clear that the other person has been
offended by your joke, don’t go on the defensive.
Perhaps saying you are sorry is a good start. It is best not
to complicate matters by suggesting that they just “lighten
up.”
6.
“WHAT DO ‘YOUR’ PEOPLE
THINK?”
INT E NT IO N
The intent of this statement is seeking information
about a group of people with whom you may not be
familiar or not know much about in regards to their
culture or experiences.
IMPACT
This evokes the “If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them
all” feeling. It is one of the more obvious forms of
stereotyping. When O.J. Simpson was on trial for the
murders of his wife Nicole and Ron Goldman, many
black people reported being frequently asked by white
people, “What do YOUR people think?” It’s as if because
they are black they had the inside scoop as to O.J.’s guilt
or innocence. This suggests that there is one cohesive
response to what millions of people think. This singling
out is also common in predominately white classrooms
and workplaces. It is not uncommon for white
professors or white supervisors to ask people of color,
“What do YOUR people think?” Or, they are only asked
of their thoughts when a particular topic related to race
is discussed.
Related to this concept of singling out people of color or
other people from disadvantaged groups, is not directly
asking them what they think, but rather to stare at them
for their reaction.
In group discussions it is common for someone to
say, “I wonder what (fill in the blank) people think of
that,” and then consciously or unconsciously look at
members of that group expecting a response. Although
this is less direct than the example in the above paragraph,
the impact is the same.
BEST BE T
Ask them what they think as an individual rather
than as a spokesperson for “their” group. Instead of
asking a Jewish person, “What do Jewish people think?”
direct the question at the personal level, “What do you
think?” or “What has your experience been?” It is
important not only to change your words, it is vital that
you shift your intent as well. Ultimately if the person
feels that your questions are intended for them to be a
“spokesperson,” the quality of your interaction with
them will significantly diminish.
7.
“WHAT ARE YOU?” OR “WHERE
ARE YOU ’REALLY’ FROM?”
INT E NT IO N
We usually have made an assumption based on their
accent or how they look, that they are not from the
United States, and we are trying to satisfy our curiosity or
start a conversation.
IMPACT
The questions are commonly asked of people of Asian
descent. When asked where they are from, they may
respond by saying the state in which they live only to be
asked again, “No, where are you REALLY from?” Often
the person is a second or third generation American and
is still repeatedly being asked this question.
Chances are this person has been asked this question
more than once and is tired of responding to the
assumptions inherent in it. The Pile On Principle quickly
sets in. This statement implies the person is an outsider
even though they are not.
BEST BE T
First, try not to make assumptions without having
all the relevant information. It is not uncommon to ask
people where they are from as a conversation starter.
However, white people are rarely challenged about their
response. Once you have asked the question, accept
people’s responses. If they choose to add to their response
by sharing more information, let them. Don’t play
detective.
8.
“I DON’T SEE COLOR” Or “I’M
COLORBLIND.”
INT E NT IO N
The statement is similar to the “I don’t think of you
as…” comment. By eliminating the color difference,
we believe that we have leveled the playing field and are
being a fair-minded individual.
IMPACT
This is a terribly naïve remark to make because of
course we see color. Usually we do not even make such a
statement UNTIL we see color. When white people say
this to people of color, you can be fairly certain that it
will not be received favorably. From the perspective of
the person of color, white people are attempting to
eliminate race from the conversation. This renders the
person of color invisible and dismisses their life
experience, which results in mistrust. To deny obvious
racial differences is a poignant example of how people
from advantaged groups, in this instance white people,
have the privilege of choosing when, and if, they want to
deal with race.
BEST BE T
We all know the color we are, so there is no need to
pretend we don’t. Noticing color is not the problem, but
it’s rather what we do or say once we notice differences
that matters most. There is really no need to state that
you are colorblind as it is just not true, no matter how
well-intended you might be.
9.
“YOU ARE SO ARTICULATE.”
INT E NT IO N
This is meant as a compliment or as a testament to
someone’s verbal skills. People are genuinely surprised
when others take offense to this remark.
IMPACT
This comment is usually directed towards people who
defy negative stereotypes. If this statement has a negative
impact on the person to whom you are speaking,
chances are this is not the first time someone has
underestimated their capabilities. The person making this
comment is surprised to discover that the other person is
more intelligent and competent than initially presumed.
This is condescending and belittling which results in the
person being insulted.
BEST BE T
Politicians, especially white men, fall into this wellmeaning trap when commenting on their opponent’s
speaking skills. Repeatedly this comment is met with
disfavor. Simple statements such as “Great job” or
“Nicely done” can convey the message without implying
possible racist or sexist overtones which are
condescending.
10.
“IT IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN IT
USED TO BE. JUST BE PATIENT.”
INT E NT IO N
The intent behind this statement is to decrease the
level of stress and to relax the person who is upset with
the obvious inequity they feel about society.
IMPACT
This remark can be condescending and belittling. Such
statements paint a picture of the person who is
addressing the injustice as a whiner who is never satisfied
with all the changes that have already happened.
Suggesting they be patient because “We have come so
far,” will actually increase their frustration. It inherently
demands the person who is experiencing the inequity, to
be more grateful for changes, which have already
occurred. Bottom line is you may as well tell the person
to shut up and quit their complaining.
BEST BE T
Acknowledge the person’s comments, but don’t try
to fix it. Offering sincere statements such as “Some days
it must feel like very little progress has been made” or
“What can we do to help speed things up now?” will
most likely be well received. The person may feel that
you have heard their concerns and a connection will be
forged.
11. “YOU SPEAK THE LANGUAGE VERY
WELL.”
INT E NT IO N
This is used as an acknowledgement of and a
compliment to the person who is assumed to be an
English language learner.
IMPACT
The statement is a form of racial profile disguised as
a compliment, even if it is not intended that way. It is
disturbing because it implies that the person to whom the
comment is directed at doesn’t look or sound American,
and is therefore from another country. It also asserts that
there is a proper way to speak English and that all native
English speakers are proficient in English.
BEST BE T
If English is not the primary language of the person to
whom you are making this statement, then this can be
taken as a compliment. It becomes a bit more
problematic when this statement is directed towards
people whose primary language is English; it then is
assumed otherwise based on racial assumptions.
As an example, I was in a training workshop and the
facilitator was a second-generation Japanese American
woman who speaks without an accent. She said that
many people tell her that she “Speaks the language very
well,” to which she replies, “I hope so! I’ve lived here all
my life!”
In the United States we have one of the most diverse
populations in the world. Be cautious of some of the
assumptions being made.
12.
ASKING BLACK PEOPLE ABOUT
THEIR HAIR OR HYGIENE.
INT E NT
This is said out of simple curiosity or to demonstrate
interest.
IMPACT
If you are white, this is one sure way to alienate black
people, especially black women. Some people even go so
far as to touch their hair without permission. Black
people are constantly being asked about their hair; “How
do you comb it? How often do you wash it? How do you
straighten it? How can you have short hair one day and
long the next? What are dreadlocks all about?” etc. This is
not only an invasion of people’s privacy, it also objectifies
and dehumanizes them. To reach out without
permission can imply disrespect for a person’s personal
boundaries.
BEST BE T
Curiosity is one thing. The is where the role of allies
can be a great asset. White people asking other white
people if they have information regarding these
questions serves many positive purposes. First, it lessens
the angst white people might have in asking an
uncomfortable question. Whites feel far more comfortable
asking other white people questions about race because
they feel less judged and the fear of off people of color
does not exist.
Second, the fewer times people of color are asked these
kinds of questions, the less likely the concept of P.O.P.
will come into play. For white people who are unable to
find other white people who have this information,
there is always the internet. Just Google it!
13.
SAYING TO
GAY/LESBIAN/BISEXUAL AND
TRANSGENDER PEOPLE,“WHAT
YOU DO IN THE PRIVACY OF YOUR
OWN BEDROOM IS YOUR
BUSINESS.”
INT E NT
People making this statement are usually trying to
convey that people’s sexual orientation is none of their
business and they can live their life as they see fit.
IMPACT
This is an effective way to bring what may be an
already uncomfortable conversation to an abrupt halt.
Usually this statement is hurtful and annoying. Too
often Gay/Lesbian/ Bisexual/Transgender (GLBT)
people are stereotyped as being overly sexual in nature.
When people make the statement, “What you do in the
privacy of your own bedroom is your business,” there is
little acknowledgement of the quality and depth of the
relationships which exist outside the confines of the
bedroom. Being GLBT is much more that what may or
may not happen in the bedroom. To suggest this is
hurtful and insulting. Bottom line? You are right; it is not
anyone’s business, yet you rarely hear that same statement
directed towards heterosexuals.
BEST BE T
Usually this statement of “What you do in your own
bedroom…” is made in response to a conversation or
remark about other GLBT issues. It is a better bet to
direct your attention and comments towards that topic
than to interject this comment. If you are uncomfortable
talking about GLBT issues and concerns, simply state
that fact instead of making a harmful remark. You can
say that you don’t have a lot of information and/or
experience when it comes to GLBT concerns, and that
you don’t want to offend someone out of ignorance.
14. “YES, BUT YOU’RE A ’GOOD’ ONE.”
INT E NT
The is the classic “exception to the rule” comment. We
think we are off a compliment, but we are not. We are
unconsciously comparing this person to other people
within “their group” and fi this person to be exceptional
and therefore acceptable.
IMPACT
This person may take offense because you are insulting
their entire group, and it is clear to them that you find
the rest of their group to be bad. Consider this example:
imagine saying to a person who is a Muslim, “But you’re
a good one.” It is reasonable for them to conclude that in
order for them to be a “good one,” the rest of Muslims
must be bad ones.
The statement also implies that the reason they are “a
good one” is because they are more like you and less like
people from their own group. The message here is as
long as the other person assimilates and becomes more
like your group, the better they are.
BEST BE T
Chances are good that if you are making such a
statement, you probably do not have a lot of interaction
or experiences interacting with the group of people to
which this person is a member. Every group of people
has “good ones” and “bad ones,” and no one group has
a disproportionate amount of “bad ones.” If you must
make a statement, a better point to make is to
acknowledge that you know little of the Muslim religion,
and if you say anything off e out of ignorance, ask
them to please let you know.
15. “YOU HAVE SUCH A PRETTY FACE.”
INT E NT
The is usually said to people who are “overweight” as a
way to pay them a compliment, and to off them hope that
if they just lose some weight then the rest of their body
could be pretty as well.
IMPACT
This statement infers that the person who is
“overweight” has so much “potential...” if only they
weren’t fat. They are not viewed as good enough exactly
as they are. We are all taught the code that if you are
being set up on a date with someone you have not met,
and you ask your friend what the other person looks
like, there are two responses that are the kiss of death.
One is she/he has a “pretty” or “handsome” face. The
other is they have a “great sense of humor.” We are
taught to read into this statement that the person is
overweight and therefore we are looking for other
redeemable features or qualities.
BEST BE T
Most of us really need to check our assumptions and
prejudices around issues of size and physical appearance.
Unfortunately, it is still socially acceptable to make
derogatory comments on people’s size or appearance.
No one should be judged on the basis of their color,
gender or nationality, and no one should be judged on
their physical size or appearance either.
16.
“I NEVER OWNED SLAVES.”
INT E NT
This statement is often used by white people and is
usually said out of frustration. Many whites feel they are
unjustly accused of being the sole reason racism exists.
Two statements often used by white people to convey this
sentiment: “I never owned slaves so don’t blame this
whole mess on me,” and “Racism happened long ago so it
is time to let it go.”
IMPACT
This is a sure fire way to alienate and anger people of
color. First, it really is a naive statement, as if there was
any doubt that you personally have ever owned a slave. It
is safe to say that they realize you do not own slaves.
People of color usually see this
for what it is, a way for white people to avoid
acknowledging that racism still exists today and not to
accept their part in perpetuating it.
BEST BE T
As a white person, if you are frustrated for being
blamed for racism just say that, instead of taking a cheap
shot with the slavery comment. In a conversational tone
share some of the reasons for your frustrations, while
also acknowledging the fact that racism is still alive and
well today. You may also start the conversation by saying
“These are some of my frustrations and I would be eager
to hear some of your frustrations as well.”
17.
“IF YO...
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