406 Dan Savage and Urvashi Vaid Questions for Critical Reading 1. Use both Savage's and Vaid's experiences to explain the claim "it gets better." What gets better? How? Mark passages that support your answer as you read the text. 2. What can be done about bullying? Locate strategies suggested by both Savage and Vaid. Is sending a video message the best response? What other options might we explore? 3. How do Savage's and Vaid's positions differ when it comes to making things better? As you read, locate passages that suggest those differences. Whose position offers a better option? Support your response with quotations from the text. It Gets Better One hundred videos. That was the goal. and it seemed ambitious: one hundred videos-best-case scenario: two hundred videos-made by lesbian, gay, bisexual. and transgender adults for lesbian, gay, bisexual. and transgender youth. I was sitting in a hotel room in Bloomington, Indiana, when I began to suspect that we were going to see a ·lot more than one hundred videos. The video that I had made with my husband, Terry, a week earlier, the very first It Gets Better video, had been live on YouTube for just a few hours when e-mails and likes and friend requests started coming in so fast that my computer crashed. The second It Gets Better video arrived within twenty-four hours. Three days later we hit one hundred videos. Before the end of the first week, we hit one thousand videos. Terry and I were relieved to learn that we weren't the only people out there who wanted to reach out to LGBT kids in crisis. Justin Aaberg was just fifteen when he killed himselfin the summer of 2010. He came out at thirteen, and endured years of bullying at the hands of classmates in a suburban Minnesota high school. Justin hanged himself in his bedroom; his mother found his body. Billy Lucas, also fifteen, wasn't gay-identified but he was perceived to be gay by his classmates in Greensburg, Indiana. His tormentors threatened him, called him a fag, and urged him to kill himself. Billy hanged himself in a barn on his grandmother's property in early September of 2010. His mother found his body. Reading about Justin and Billy was emotionally crushing-I was particularly outraged to learn that "Christian" parents were blocking efforts to address the rampant anti-gay bullying at Justin's school, claiming that doing so would somehow infringe upon the "religious freedom" of their straight children- and I began to think about the problem of anti-gay bullying. · I was aware of anti-gay bullying, of course. I had been bullied in the Catholic schools my parents sent me to; my husband endured years of much more intense bullying-it's amazing he survived-at the public high school he attended; I knew that many of my LGBT friends had been bullied. But it wasn't something we talked about or dwelt on. It Gets Better the claim "it gets better." What as you read the text. lsucaaes;tea by both Savage and Vaid. other options might we explore? comes to making things better? As Whose position offers a better the text. hundred videos-best-case seebisexual. and transgender adults Indiana, when I began to suspect videos. The video that I had very first It Gets Better video, had and likes and friend requestsThe second It Gets Better video arhit one hundred videos. Before the the only people out there who in the summer of 2010. He came hands of classmates in a suburba~ his bedroom: his mother found hts but he was perceived to be ga! by threatened him, called htm a in a barn on his grandmother's found his body. crushing-I was particularly outefforts to address the rampant doing so would somehow infringe _and I began to think about I had been bullied in the Catholic years of much more intense buthigh school he attended; I knew that it wasn't something we talked about or I was stewing in my anger about what had been done to Justin and Billy when I read this comment, left on a blog post I wrote about Billy: "My heart breaks for the pain and torment you went through, Billy Lucas. I wish I could have told you that things get better." What a simple and powerful truth. Things get better-things have gotten better, things keep getting better-for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people. I knew that to be true because things had certainly gotten better for me. I came to fully understand that I was gay- that I had always been gay- when I was a thirteen-year-old boy being bullied at a Catholic school on the north side of Chicago. I became increasingly estranged from my parents at a time when I needed them most because I was working so hard to hide who I was from them. Five years later, I "My heart breaks for the pain found the courage to start coming out. Comand torment you went through, ing out is a long process, not a single event, Billy Lucas. I wish I could have and I tested the waters by telling my eldest told you that things get better." brother, Billy, before telling my mom or dad. Billy was supportive and it helped me decide to tell my mother, which would be the hardest thing I had yet done in my life. Because coming out in 1982 didn't just mean telling my mother that 1 was gay. It meant telling her that I would never get married, that I would never be a parent, that my professional life would be forever limited by my sexuality. Eight years after coming out, I would stumble into a rewarding and unlikely career as a sex-advice columnist, of all things, and somehow leverage that into a side gig as a potty-mouthed political pundit. And fifteen years after coming out, I would adopt a son with the love of my life- the man I would marry- and, with him at my side, present my parentS" with a new grandchild, my siblings with a new nephew. Things didn't just get better for me. All of the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender adults I knew were leading rich and rewarding lives. We weren't the same people and we didn't have or want the same things- gay or straight, not everyone wants kids or marriage; people pursue happiness in different ways- but we all had so much to be thankful for, and so much to look forward to. Our lives weren't perfect; there was pain, heartbreak, and struggle. But our lives were better. Our lives were joyful. What was to be gained by looking backward? Why dwell on the past? There wasn't anything we could do about the bullying we had endured in school and, for too many of us, at the hands of our families. And it didn't seem like there was anything we could do about or for all the LGBT kids who were currently being bullied. A bullied gay teenager who ends his life is saying that he can't picture a future with enough joy in it to compensate for the pain he's in now. Justin and Billy-and, as that terrible September ground on, Seth and Asher and Tyler and Raymond and Cody-couldn't see how their own lives might get better. Without gay role models to mentor and support them, without the examples our lives represent, they couldn't see how they might get from bullied gay teenager to safe and happy gay adult. And the people gay teenagers need most-their own parents-often believe that they can somehow prevent their children from growing up to be gay-or from ever coming out- by depriving them of information, resources, support. and positive role models. (Justin Aaberg's parents knew he was gay, and were supportive.) 407 10 1s 408 Dan Savage and Urvashi Vaid That fall, as I thought about Justin and Billy, I reflected on how frequently I'm invited to speak at colleges and universities. I address audiences of gay and straight students, and I frequently talk about homophobia and gay rights and tolerance. But I don't get invited to speak at high schools or middle schools, the places where homophobia does the most damage. Gay kids trapped in middle and high schools would benefit from hearing from LGBT adults-lives could be saved-but very few middle or high schools would ever invite gay adults to address their student bodies. Acknowledging the existence of LGBT people, even in sex-ed curriculums, is hugely controversial. A school administrator who invited a gay adult to address an assembly before there was a crisis- before a bullied gay teenager took his own life-would quickly find herself in the crosshairs of homophobic parents and bigoted "Christian'' organizations. It couldn't happen-schools would never invite gay adults to talk to kids; we would never get permission. I was riding a train to JFK Airport when it occurred to me that I was waiting for permission that I no longer needed. In the era of social media-in a world with YouTube and Twitter and Face book- I could speak directly to LGBT kids right now. I didn't need permission from parents or an invitation from a school. I could look into a camera, share my story, and let LGBT kids know that it got better for me and it would get better for them too. I could give 'em hope. But I didn't want to do it alone. I called Terry from the airport 'and tentatively explained my idea for a video outreach campaign. I wanted to encourage other LGBT adults to make videos for LGBT kids and post them to YouTube. I wanted to call it: The It Gets Better Project. And I wanted us to make the first video together, to talk about our lives together, to share our joy. This was a big ask. Terry doesn't do interviews, he doesn't allow cameras in our home, he has no desire to go on television. But he said yes. My husband was the first person to recognize the power of this idea. The second person to recognize it was our good friend Kelly 0, a straight friend and a supremely talented photographer and filmmaker. She had just one question after I explained what we wanted to do: "When can we shoot it?" We did two takes. The first was a long, depressing video that we shot against a bare wall in our dining room. It looked like a hostage video and we both talked too much about the bullying we'd endured in high school. We watched the video and shook our heads. Kids who are currently being bullied don't need to be told what bullying looks and feels like. Kelly packed up her camera and we went to a friend's bar and tried again. This time Kelly peppered us with questions: Share a happy memory. How did you two meet? What would you tell your teenage self? Are you happy to be alive? Kelly edited the video, created a YouTube account, and called me when it was live. Four weeks later I got a call from the White House. They wanted me to know that the President's It Gets Better video had just been uploaded to YouTube. My computer crashed a second time. The It Gets Better Project didn't just crash my computer. It brought the old order crashing down. By giving ourselves permission to speak directly to LGBT youth, Terry and I gave permission to all LGBT adults everywhere to speak to LGBT youth. It forced straight people-politicians, teachers, preachers, and parents-to decide whose side they were on. Were they going to were they going to remain silent anti-gay bullies who attack LGBT conservative "family" The culture used to offer people: You're ours to torture until at school, at home, at churchYou can come out, you can move severe, you can recover and build do after you turn eighteen: You teenagers being assaulted emoti schools, and churches you escaped still torturing, we'll impugn your erast, we'll claim you're trying to That was the old order and it Suddenly gay, lesbian, bisexual, the world- were speaking to sion anymore. We found our weren't just talking at LGBT Tube, to the adults posting them. just going to contribute a video them not just hope but advice, ear of a supportive adult who Soon straight people too, delivering the same message: we're working to make it better. like our friend Kelly -loving, stone -living proof- that things finally repealed. Days later Joe go on television and describe couples- as an inevitability. Things are getting better 2s I do want to acknowledge what It can't do the impossible. It where, all at once, forever, overni!!l kids hope. The point is to let of our own lives. For some people others things get better while kids in high schools and middle things better-for themselves Nothing about letting LGBT from pressing for the passage bullying programs in all schools; all kinds of kids; and supporting can Civil Liberties Union's LGBT It Gets Better 1 reflected on how frequently I'm audiences of gay and straight and gay rights and tolerance. But I P""'vv••~· the places where homophoand high schools would benefit _but very few middle or high student bodies. Acknowledging ,.., ........ uu, is hugely controversial. A 1 an assembly before there was would quickly find herself in "Christian" organizations. gay adults to talk to kids; we to me that I was waiting for zo media-in a world with Youdirectly to LGBT kids right now. I from a school. I could look into a that it got better for me and it would from the airport and tentatively exI wanted to encourage other LGBT to YouTube. I wanted to call it: The first video together, to talk about he doesn't allow cameras in our said yes. My husband was the first friend Kelly o, a straight friend and She had just one question after I shoot it?" video that we shot against a video and we both talked too We watched the video and shook don't need to be told what bullying and we went to a friend's bar and tried Share a happy memory. How did self? Are you happy to be alive? and called me when it was live. House. They wanted me to know that uploaded to YouTube. they were on. Were they going to come to the defense of bullied LGBT teenagers? Or were they going to remain silent and, by so doing, give aid and comfort to the young anti-gay bullies who attack LGBT children in schools and the adult anti-gay bullies at conservative "family" organizations who attack LGBT people for a living? The culture used to offer this deal to lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people: You're ours to torture until you're eighteen. You will be bullied and tormented at school, at home, at church- until you're eighteen. Then, you can do what you want. You can come out, you can move away, and maybe, if the damage we've done isn't too severe, you can recover and build a life for yourself. There's just one thing you can't do after you turn eighteen: You can't talk to the kids we're still torturing, the LGBT teenagers being assaulted emotionally, physically, and spiritually in the same cities, schools, and churches you escaped from. And, if you do attempt to talk to the kids we're still torturing, we'll impugn your motives, we'll accuse you of being a pedophile or pederast, we'll claim you're trying to recruit children into "the gay lifestyle." That was the old order and it fell apart when the It Gets Better Project went viral. Suddenly gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender adults all over the country-all over the world-were speaking to LGBT youth. We weren't waiting for anyone's permission anymore. We found our voices. And LGBT adults who made videos for the project weren't just talking at LGBT youth. The kids who watched videos sent e-mails, via YouTube, to the adults posting them. Thousands of LGBT adults who thought they were just going to contribute a video found themselves talking with LGBT youth, offering them not just hope but advice, insight, and something too many LGBT youth lack: the ear of a supportive adult who understands what they're going through. Soon straight people-politicians and celebrities-were talking to LGBT youth, too, delivering the same message: It gets better, there's nothing wrong with you, and we're working 'to make it better. LGBT kids could see that the world was full of people like our friend Kelly-loving, supportive, progressive straight people. And as a capstone-living proof- that things were indeed getting better, Don't Ask/Don't Tell was finally repealed. Days later Joe Biden, who also made an It Gets Better video, would go on television and describe marriage equality-marriage rights for lesbian and gay couples-as an inevitability. Things are getting better before our very eyes. 409 3o IUV•>•UJ~~ kJmpuv~r. It brought the old order crashdirectly to LGBT youth, Terry and to speak to LGBT youth. It forced and parents-to decide whose side I do want to acknowledge what the It Gets Better Project can't do, though. It can't do the impossible. It won't solve the problem of anti-gay bullying, everywhere, all at once, forever, overnight. The point of the project is to give despairing LGBT kids hope. The point is to let them know that things do get better, using the examples of our own lives. For some people things get better once they get out of high school. for others things get better while they're still in high school. And there are brave, out LGBT kids in high schools and middle schools all over the country who are helping to make things better- for themselves and their peers- in their schools today. Nothing about letting LGBT kids know that it gets better excuses or precludes us from pressing for the passage of the Student Non-Discrimination Act; demanding antibullying programs in all schools; confronting bigots who are making things worse for all kinds of kids; and supporting the work of the Trevor Project, GLSEN, and the American Civil Liberties Union's LGBT Project's Youth & Schools program. (Indeed, the It 35 410 Dan Savage and Urvashi Vaid Action Makes It Gets Better Project has raised tens of thousands of dollars for these organizations.) But we're not going to get legislation passed this instant and it will be years before we get anti-bullying programs and GSAs (Gay-Straight Alliances) into all public schools, and we may never get them into the private evangelical schools where they're needed most. In the meantime, while we work to make our schools safer, we can and should use the tools we have at our disposal right now-social media and YouTube and digital video and this book- to get messages of hope to kids who are suffering right now in schools that do not have GSAs and to kids whose parents bully and reject them for being lesbian. gay, bisexual. or transgender. There's nothing about the It Gets Better Project-nothing about making a video or sharing one-that prevents people from doing more. Indeed, we've heard from thousands of people who were inspired to do more after making or watching a video. A few weeks after we launched the It Gets Better Project, this letter arrived for me and my husband: Thank you for the It Gets Better Project. My son is 14 and a sophomore in high school in rural Kentucky. He isn't athletic. He isn't religious. He isn't in ROTC. He is constantly being called "gay" or "faggot," oftentimes by the people he thought were his friends .... So far, it hasn't gone beyond name--calling, but I worry. I showed him your site the day it went live. He sat down and watched the video that you and Terry put up. Since then, I have seen him checking the site out on his own. I don't know if he is gay, but I do know that your message has touched him. Although he does confide that four years is still a long time to wait for things to get better. I think that seeing so many other people say the same thing holds much more weight than having his mother tell him. So thank you again for sharing. Four years is a long time to wait. So let's all commit to making things better right now, let's all do what we can to create a world where no child, gay or straight, is bullied for being different. We don't live in that world yet. There are children out there who are being bullied every day, and while gay, lesbian, bisexual. or transgender children aren't the only kids dealing with this harassment, they are often more isolated, more alone, and more at risk. Nine out of ten LGBT students report experiencing bullying in their schools; LGBT teenagers are four to seven times likelier to attempt suicide. LGBT children who are rejected by their families are eight times likelier to attempt suicide and at much higher risk of winding up homeless and living on the streets. If you know a child who's being bullied for being gay or perceived to be gayparticularly if you know a child who isn't lucky enough to have a mother like the one who wrote to us-you can help that child find hope by helping them find their way to this book and the It Gets Better Project's website (itgetsbetter.org), with more than ten thousand videos and counting. Do your part. Give 'em hope. 4o Despite the title of this book, The only reason big changes things to change, when we take Gandhi organized for decades four years ago!), the movement pires using nonviolent resistance. Your grandmothers and States-it only changed in 1921 Black people did not haye years ago!). And lesbian, gay, bisexual, sexual relationships without Or think about India: The Ll3BT nalizing same-sex/same-gender All of these changes-for massive social movement to make This is my story of how it's and grew up here since I was' dreams for me, their demands on when I realized I was a lesbian. But you know what? Activism I men and women working to just system). I got involved with a in South Africa (you guys, it only with lefty groups. with all the demic, to create a fairer economy, the world more fun and sexy! What I found in social ration, friendships, and my lover, conference. Social activism is all doing something about it all of adrenaline and serotonin that you feel better, like a swe!lty ' you love. But truthfully, social change people, nut-bucket opponents, the way they are-so defeat. process of social action. What keeps me going, if they are going to knock me get mad, get even). faith something you do not know will along the way, the incredible sive amounts of fun I have had Action Makes It Better for these organizations.) But and it will be years before we get into all public schools, and p.uuuvvYJ schools where they're needed most. safer, we can and should use media and YouTube and digital kids who are suffering right now in parents bully and reject them for nothing about the It Gets Better one-that prevents people from of people who were inspired to do this letter arrived for me and is 14 and a sophomore in high isn't religious. He isn't in ROTC. " oftentimes by the people he gone beyond name-calling, but I live. He sat down and watched I have seen him checking the but I do know that your message that four years is still a long time seeing so many other people say having his mother tell him. So commit to making things better right no child, gay or straight, is bullied bullying in their schools; LGBT suicide. LGBT children who are to attempt suicide and at much higher being gay or perceived to be gayenough to have a mother like the one hope by helping them find their way to (itgetsbetter.org), with more than ten 411 Action Makes It Better Despite the title of this book, there is nothing inevitable about change for the better. The only reason big changes happen is when people like you and me decide to fight for things to change, when we take action to make things different. Gandhi organized for decades in India to get rid of the British. In 1947 (only sixtyfour years ago!), the movement he created overthrew one of the biggest colonial empires using nonviolent resistance. Your grandmothers and great-grandmothers could not vote in the United States-it only changed in 1921 (ninety years ago!). Black people did not haye full voting rights in this country until1965 (forty-six years ago!). And lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people did not have the right to have sexual relationships without violating criminal laws until2003 (only eight years ago!). Or think about India: The L~BT movement just got a court to overturn the laws criminalizing same-sex/same-gender behavior in 2009 (two years ago!). All of these changes-for women, for African Americans, for LGBT folks-took a massive social movement to make happen. This is my story ~f how it's gotten better for me. I'm Indian American, born there, and grew up here since I was eight. Like all Asian kids, my family's expectations- their dreams for me, their demands on me- weighed heavily on me, and never heavier than when I realized I was a lesbian. But you know what? Activism saved my life. I got involved with a feminist group (of men and women working to really transform gender roles and patriarchy into a more just system). I got involved with a movement trying to end the racist Apartheid system in South Africa (you guys, it only ended in 19941). I got involved with queer activism, with lefty groups, with all the rabble-rousers and radicals working to end the AIDS epidemic, to create a fairer economy, to win rights for immigrants, to end wars, and make the world more fun and sexy! What I found in social movements was a whole life that has given me hope, inspiration, friendships, and my lover, Kate (of tweqty-three years), whom I met at a queer conference. Social activism is all about optimism, even when you lose. The process of doing something about it all generates lots Social activism is all about of adrenaline and serotonin that just make you feel better, like a swe~ty dance to music optimis~. even when you lose. you love. But truthfully, social change is not always fun- just like life. There's a lot of wacky w people, nut-bucket opponents, and powerful forces that want to maintain things just the way they are- so defeat, occasional despair, loss, and discomfort are all part of the process of social action. What keeps me going, though, is a combination of stubbornness (I'll be damned if they are going to knock me around and get away with it), cold-blooded anger (don't get mad, get even), faith (social-justice activism is an act of belief in the possibility of something you do not know will ever happen), and pleasure (in the people I have met along the way, the incredible change I have been a small part of making, and the massive amounts offun I have had along the way). 412 Dan Savage and Urvashi Vaid The great news is that there is a global queer movement today. And it is full of young and old people fighting to make space for us to live and love and breathe and be who we are and create the lives we imagine. You can join it; in fact you can lead it. It's all being made right before your eyes. So make it better-get active. 3. Vaid's essay is quite short. Outline age to make an argument in so argument in a short essay? How Exploring Context 1. "Action Makes It Better," claims ship between social activism and support your position. 1. Savage's and Vaid's essays emerge out of the It Gets Better Project. Visit the project's Web site at itgetsbetter.org and watch some of the videos there. What are some common themes in these videos? How do they resonate with Savage's and Vaid's discussions? 2. Visit the U.S. government's official anti-bullying Web site (stopbullying.gov). Given the extent of this problem and its sometimes severe consequences, does the site offer any realistic solutions to the problem? 3. The Trevor Project (thetrevorproject.org) is also focused on helping LGBT youthspecifically in preventing suicide. Explore the site. What can each of us do to help prevent these suicides? Questions for Connecting 1. In "Preface" and "The New Civil Rights" (p. 539), Kenji Yoshino discusses both "covering" -a way of down playing aspects of one's identity to fit in-and a new model of civil rights based on basic liberties available to all. How can you use the selections from Savage and Vaid to support Yoshino's claims? Would a liberty paradigm of civil rights solve the kinds of problems that spurred the It Gets Better Project? 2. What effect does bullying have on human dignity? Use Francis Fukuyama's discussion of the concept in "Human Dignity" (p. 143) to analyze the experiences of Savage and Vaid. 3. How do Savage and Vaid function as surrogates? Use Daniel Gilbert's definition of the term from "Reporting Live from Tomorrow" (p. 179) to consider how Savage's and Vaid's essays might offer youth a glimpse of a future that includes happiness. Language Matters 1. These essays use a number of acronyms, primarily LGBT. Using the Web or some other reference source, locate the rules for introducing and using acronyms. Examine these rules in the context of these essays. Do the authors introduce acronyms properly? How and when should you use acronyms in your own writing? 2. Review the rules for pronouns and their antecedents using a grammar handbook or other reference resource. In these same sources, review any material on gender-neutral language. How does maintaining gender-neutral language complicate pronoun usage? How do Savage and Vaid handle this problem? How should you handle pronouns in a gender-neutral way in your own writing? Alternating he and she? Using he/she? Assignments for Writing 2. How has technology changed it to form an argument about the (or hamper) social change. 3. Using your own experience, write specific audience- bullied Savage and Vaid in making your Action Makes It Better movement today. And it is full of to live and love and breathe and be join it; in fact you can lead it. It's 3. Vaid's essay is quite short. Outline the essay to trace the argument. How does Vaid manage to make an argument in so little space? What key moves are necessary to make an argument in a short essay? How can you apply these techniques in your own writing? Assignments for Writing 1. "Action Makes It Better," claims Vaid. Write a paper in which you explore the relationBetter Project. Visit the project's videos there. What are some common Savage's and Vaid's discussions? site (stopbullying.gov). Given the consequences, does the site offer any on helping LGBT youthWhat can each of us do to help Yoshino discusses both identity to fit in -and a new to all. How can you use the selecclaims? Would a liberty paradigm of the It Gets Better Project? Use Francis Fukuyama's discussion the experiences of Savage and Use Daniel Gilbert's definition of the to consider how Savage's and Vaid's includes happiness. rily LGBT. Using the Web or some other and using acronyms. Examine these introduce acronyms properly? How writing? using a grammar handbook or review any material on gender-neutral language complicate pronoun usage? How should you handle pronouns in a he and she? Using he/she? ship between social activism and change, using ideas from both Savage and Vaid to support your position. 2. How has technology changed social activism? Consider the It Gets Better Project, using it to form an argument about the ways in which technology and social media facilitate (or hamper) social change. 3. Using your own experience, write a paper about how things get better, addressed to a specific audience- bullied teenagers or LGBTyouth. Connect your experiences to Savage and Vaid in making your argument for how things can get better. 41:: 411 tl • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • 411 • • • JULIA SERANO 2. Rape culture figures prominntl it. Using what she does say 3. Take a moment to think about Julia Serano, who holds a Ph.D. in biochemistry and molecular biophysics from Columbia University, is a writer, spoken-word performer, and activist. Serano is a frequent speaker on transgender and queer issues and is the author of Whipping Girl: A Transsexual Woman on Sexism and the Scapegoating of Femininity (2007) and Excluded: Making Feminist and Queer Movements More Inclusive (2013). She has been anthologized in Trans/Love: Radical Courtesy of Julia Serano Sex, Love & Relationships beyond the Gender Binary (2011) and Yes Means Yes!: Visions of Female Sexual Power & a World without Rape (2008), where the following essay originally appeared. Yes Means Yes!: Visions of Female Sexual Power & a World without Rape, edited by Jaclyn Friedman and Jessica Valenti, is a feminist anthology that addresses issues of rape and sexuality by arguing that consent requires affirmative declaration-yes means yes. The editors contend that rather than only declaring what they do not want, women should also actively discover what they do want. Essays in the collection focus on body image and self-esteem, incest, rape culture, mass media, pornography, and more. Ultimately, Yes Means Yes! seeks to deconstruct the rape culture in which we live and foster understanding and respect for female sexual pleasure. Julia Serano's contribution to the anthology, "Why Nice Guys Finish Last," explores her own somewhat unique perspective on rape culture from her identity as a transgendered woman who transitioned relatively late in life. She notes that rape culture is perpetuated not only by our preconceptions about women (that they are passive "prey") but also by our preconceptions about men (that they are "predators"). Sera no attempts to explain why women tend to prefer "assholes" over "nice guys" and how that preference is a symptom of rape culture, and in the process she also illustrates how gendered stereotypes are detrimental to both women and men. How do you think cultural expectations shape both men and women? How have they shaped you? .. TAGS: culture, empathy, gender, identity, media, race and ethnicity, relationships, sexuality, social change, trauma and violence .. CONNECTIONS:Appiah, Gay, Levy, O'Connor, Padawer, Pozner, Rosin, Yang Questions for Critical Reading 1. Sera no introduces a number of terms in making her argument. As you read, take note as she defines cisgender, unilateral sexism, the predator/prey minds~t, virgin/whore, and internalized/externalized misogyny. 414 of the ways that Sera no claims your thoughts confirm her arg Why Nice Guys Fi Sexualization and intimidation I have had men talk over me, tried to deflect their unwanted innuendos at me, and have pass by them on city streets. I've consider myselflucky that less to say, like all women, I have Having said that, being my way through the world as somewhat different take on rape among many cisgender (i.e., the existing rhetoric used to is, unfortunately, mired in the men are the oppressors and Some of those who buy into pressive, dominating, and chy and male socialization While there is certainly some aggressive, even predatory, this dren and teenagers are also spectful of girls and women, and rough" with, their female peers. ment fails to explain the counties~ their lifetime. The truth is that rape set that affects each and every shaping how we view and world, and creating double binds predator/prey mindset, and sors and women as sexual The predator/prey mindset we view female versus male heterosexual female friends of he has a nice ass. While one "objectifying" or "sexualizing," were to overhear a group of men would feel very different. They Why Nice Guys Finish Last •• 2. Rape culture figures prominently in Sera no's essay, though she never explicitly defines it. Using what she does say about rape culture, formulate a definition of the term. 3. Take a moment to think about the cultural expectations of men. As you read, take note of the ways that Sera no claims the socialization of men contributes to rape culture. Do your thoughts confirm her argument? Why Nice Guys Finish Last Guys on rape culture from her identity in life. She notes that rape culture (that they are passive "prey") but Sera no attempts to explain how that preference is a symptom gendered stereotypes are detrimenmen and women? How have they ethnicity, re,-ationships, sexuality, argument. As you read, take note virgin/whore, and "'""'rowv mindset, Sexualization and intimidation haunt all of us who move through the world as women. I have had men talk over me, speak down to me, and shout angrily at me when I've tried to deflect their unwanted passes. Strange men have hurled catcalls and sexual innuendos at me, and have graphically described what they'd like to do with me as I pass by them on city streets. I've also survived an attempted date rape. And frankly, I consider myself lucky that nothing more serious than that has happened to me. Needless to say, like all women, I have a great interest in bringing an end to rape culture. Having said that, being transsexual- having had the experience of navigating my way through the world as male prior to my transition to female-has given me a somewhat different take on rape culture than the view that is often taken for granted among many cisgender (i.e., non-transgender) women. From my perspective, much of the existing rhetoric used to describe and theorize sexual harassment, abuse, and rape is, unfortunately, mired in the concept of "unilateral sexism" -that is, the belief that men are the oppressors and women are the oppressed, end of story. Some of those who buy into unilateral sexism believe that men are inherently oppressive, dominating, and violent. Others believe that the problem is rooted in patriarchy and male socialization conspiring to condition men to become sexual predators. While there is certainly some truth to the idea that men are socialized to be sexually aggressive, even predatory, this is not the only force at work in their lives. Male children and teenagers are also regularly and explicitly reminded that they should be respectful of girls and women, and are often punished severely for picking on or "playing rough" with, their female peers. Further, the men-are-just-socialized-that-way argument fails to explain the countless men who never sexually abuse or harass women in their lifetime. [R]ape culture is a mindset that The truth is that rape culture is a mindaffects each and every one of us. set that affects each and every one of us, shaping how we view and respond to the world, and creating double binds for both women and men. I call this phenomenon the predator/prey mindset. and within it, men can only ever be viewed as sexual aggressors and women as sexual objects. The predator/prey mindset creates many of the double standards that exist in how we view female versus male sexuality. For example. on numerous occasions I've heard heterosexual female friends of mine ogle some man and make comments about how he has a nice ass. While one could certainly make the case that such discussions are "objectifying" or "sexualizing," what strikes me is that they don't feel that way. But if I were to overhear a group of men make the exact same comments about a woman, they would feel very different. They would feel sexualizing. 415 416 Julia Serano Similarly, if a male high school teacher were to have sex with one of his female teenage students, we would all be appalled. The incident would clearly feel like statutory rape to us. However, when the roles are reversed- when the adult teacher is female and the teenage student is male- it generally feels like a completely different thing to us. While it still fits the definition of statutory rape, we often have problems mustering up the feeling that the boy has been violated or abused. In fact, after one recent high-profile case, comedian Bill Maher joked that such teenage boys are "lucky," and the audience broke into laughter. What these anecdotes reveal is that the predator/prey mindset essentially ensures that men cannot be viewed as legitimate sexual objects, nor can women be viewed as legitimate sexual aggressors. This has the effect of rendering invisible instances of man-on-man and woman-on-woman sexual harassment and abuse, and it makes the idea of woman-on-man rape utterly inconceivable. It's also why women cannot simply "turn the tables" and begin sexualizing men. After all, if a woman were to shout catcalls at a man, or were to pinch a guy's ass as he walked by, her actions wouldn't mean the same thing as they would if the roles were reversed. Her actions would likely be seen as suggestive and slutty, rather than intimidating and predatory. Because of the predator/prey mindset, when a woman does act in a sexually active or aggressive way, she is generally not viewed as a sexual aggressor, but rather as opening herself up to being sexually objectified by others. This is why rape trials have historically dwelled on whether the woman in question was dressed in a revealing or provocative fashion, or whether she met with the man privately, and so on. If she did any of these things, others are likely to view her as inviting her own sexualization, as "asking for it." The underlying assumption is that women should simply know better- they should recognize that they are prey and men are predators, and they should act "appropriately." What should be becoming increasingly clear is that the predator/prey mindset enables the virgin/whore double bind that feminists have long been rallying against. Women, as prey, are expected to play down their sexuality- to hide or repress it. Good girls, after all, are supposed to be "virgins." Women who do not downplay or repress their sexualities-that is, who do not act like prey-are viewed stereotypically as "whores." As stereotypes, both "virgin" and "whore" are disempowering, because they both frame female sexuality in terms of the predator/prey mindset. This is why reclaiming their sexuality has been such a double-edged sword for women. If a woman embraces her sexuality, it may be personally empowering for her, but she still has to deal with the fact that others will project the "whore" stereotype onto her and assume that she's inviting male sexualization. In other words, a woman may be personally empowered, but she is not seen as being sexually powerful and autonomous in the culture at large. In order for that to happen, we as individuals must begin to challenge our own (as well as other people's) perceptions and interpretations of gender. We must all move beyond viewing the world through the predator/prey mindset. To do that, we must examine an issue that has traditionally received far less attention: the ways in which the predator/prey mindset complicates the lives of men. Trans perspectives (those of trans women, trans men, and other transgender-spectrum people) can be really vital in this regard, as many of us have b.ad the experience of moving through the world as and thus can consider the perspectives (and vice versa). In experiences being raised as a a heterosexual man (as I am speak on behalf of all men, and also because I had a very white and middle-dass). It will men to fill in the whole picture. Just as it is difficult for fact that they are nonconsensual through a world in which they male-bodied, it was not uncomnt hind them at night, or to have as unsolicited sexual advances. stereotype despite the fact that I was a very small and unmascul appearing men have to deal no issue exacerbates the male trans men of color say that transitioning has been very reo types of black men as predatoj While the predator stereoty has an even greater impact on bodied, I found that ifi were to often give me dirty looks. A greatest loss he experienced to interact freely and enthusiastt has found that he's had to 10 is especially true for those men and class. Given how destructive who experience them, I wouldn't fault for propagating these begin to have an honest discussi~ willing to acknowledge the are not predatory. The predator stereotype many feminists have discussed bind for women in which they Why Nice Guys Finish Last have sex with one of his female would clearly feel like statwhen the adult teacher is feels like a completely different rape. we often have problems or abused. In fact. after one resuch teenage boys are "lucky," mindset essentially ensures nor can women be viewed of rendering invisible instances of and abuse. and it makes the It's also why women cannot simply all if a woman were to shout cat• by. her actions wouldn't mean Her actions would likely be and predatory. woman does act in a sexually acas a sexual aggressor, but rather as others. This is why rape trials have was dressed in a revealing orman privately. and so on. If she did as inviting her own sexualization. women should simply know betmen are predators. and they should is that the predator/prey mindset have long been rallying against. sexuality-to hide or repress it. Women who do not downplay or reprey _are viewed stereotypically •·-··''"'~•a" are disempowering. because predator/prey mindset. This is why le-c:ul',
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