Paper #1 Workshop: Peer Editing Guidelines for Personal Essay on Deferred Dreams

Writing

Foothill College

Question Description

Review classmate's paper


Title & General Paper Requirements:

1) What is the paper’s title? Does it reflect the subject of the paper? Does the paper follow the

general paper guidelines (standard margins and font, page numbers, etc.)? Is it a complete

draft (2-3 pages in length; note: a complete draft is optional for this paper)?

Introduction & Argument:

2) Does the paper have a clear topic? What is it? State it here. Does the paper’s introduction

summarize the text and introduce it as context for the personal essay, as the prompt asks?

Does the intro have a concise argument about the author’s personal experience and how it

relates to the text, and is it clearly stated in the introduction? Point to it on the draft and

paraphrase it here. Can you restate it in a clearer, or more specific, way? If so, do so here.

Does the introduction formally introduce the text it will be using (with the full title and full

name of the author) to contextualize the writer’s experience? Offer suggestions for

improvement or clarification, if needed.

3) Based on the introduction, do you get a clear sense of what the paper as a whole is going to

be about? Does the introduction, as a whole, sufficiently orient you to the text’s topic, focus,

and main ideas? Does it work as a blueprint for what’s to come in the paper?

Paper Organization, Supporting Points, & Evidence

4) How is the essay organized and is this organization effective? Does the organization of the

body paragraphs differ from what you expected in #3? If so, is this a problem for the paper’s

argument, or focus (note: it doesn’t have to be a problem)?

5) Do the body paragraphs support the argument? If not, how can they be revised to bring them

in line with the thesis? Alternatively, should the thesis be revised instead, and, if so, how?

6) Does each body paragraph adequately support its claims? Do the paragraphs provide vivid

detail and examples of the author’s experience? Do these examples logically follow as

evidence for the paper’s argument? Are they clearly expressed and organized in a coherent,

convincing way? Does the paper also bring in and cite the outside text to contextualize the

author’s experience? Does is do so in a meaningful way?

7) Are there any body paragraphs that simply summarize the topic being analyzed or are too

general (i.e. don’t offer any evidence)? Point out places where either support or explanation

is lacking. What can the writer do to improve these parts of his/her/their essay?

Conclusion & Significance:

8) What is the paper’s conclusion? Does it focus on the significance of the author’s experience,

argument, and topic? Does it offer new ideas about the stakes of the argument, not simply

repeating the main ideas from the introduction? If not, what suggestions can you make for

improving it?

Proofreading & Final Comments:

9) Was the paper carefully written? Was its language easy or difficult to follow?

10) What are two strengths of this paper?

11) Offer two suggestions that you think will assist the writer in improving his/her/their paper.

Unformatted Attachment Preview

Salman Ayub Laura Martin Essay #1 Draft EWRT 2 | Spring 2020 A License Deferred Ever since I was a kid I was really fascinated with the idea of driving a car. All the adults drove them, and then there were the rich folks, who had their outrageously expensive modes of transport. I can distinctly remember the first time my dad let me take the wheel, and step on the pedal -- that's when I made a vow to myself to never drive a car using slippers. My slipper got stuck on the accelerator, and the car boosted forward towards a dead-end. My dad had to go down there and pull the slipper out from the pedal, and we managed to stop just in time. Over the years, I have wondered alternatively about the kind of car I would love to drive, a classic sedan, but I still haven't gotten my driving license yet. In a way, it has been mostly deferred, and delayed, because of me, but if it comes to critiquing the reality that we're living in, then I'd say the DMV is the number one antagonist in this story. Because of the poor service, population, and state of the licensing system for automobiles in California, I have yet to obtain a driver's license, which means I can not drive. I am a bit romantic about driving a car even though I don't have a license, mostly because of the part of the world I am from, Pakistan, where law is ​sometimes​ good. I have a couple of friends who've said to me "Obtaining your driver's license requires nothing but 1500 bucks," which is about 10 dollars. But, I haven't been back there yet, so I'm left with the only choice, the DMV. A person might naturally, and finally, ask, "Why don't you just get your license?" To them, after making them sit down, I would then go on to explain the process of getting your licence, starting from either making an appointment 90 days earlier, or standing in line for hours in hopes to get a non-appointment test, only to be told that you forgot some other paperwork. But let's dig in and say that you do get to the driving test, after all those weeks of waiting and practicing, which you should have, you could fail, which isn't hard to do. Then you'll sit there, in the parking lot of the DMV, with your poker face coming on strong to the person who you came with, and you'll know you "have to go to a bathroom" to cry. Because, let's face it, it took three months of your conscious experience, 90 days of your effort and energy of going through life, and you're just plainly given an F, nothing else. It is then your role as a 'devoted' future driver to schedule a future appointment, which, ​wait for it… h​ as to be made 90 days prior to it actually happening. I see that there are many factors that contribute to this, mainly the number of staff and amount of customers, whereby there are so many counters that are empty every time I go to any DMV, and so many people, who are just waiting patiently. I think this personal experience of not being able to have something, a capability (to drive cars legally), that others also haven't been successful in obtaining, related a lot to the poem "kitchenette building" by Gwendolyn Brooks, a 20​th ​century American poet. The poem gives us a perspective about marginalized people, who were discriminated against on every level, and the kinds of lives they have while living closely packed together, and being swung by circumstance, not choice. The opening line is what I relate this experience to, where she writes, "We are things of dry hours and the involuntary plan. Grayed in and gray." Though the subject matter of Brooks diction was based on the 2 experience of the marginalized Americans in kitchenette buildings, I think this is in fact how we are treated like at the DMV; like things, being moved by someone else's decisions and process (the involuntary plan), and there we are all generalized and treated as a 'mass.' I'd like to put it out there, the DMV is itself a test - it has to be the longest test of patience in mankind to date. I've seen this dream of driving a car throughout my childhood, and, unfortunately, it remains a dream in my living adulthood. It's been delayed, necessarily, because of the poor system of licensing and regulation, and it could surely be improved by experts. I want this account of my experiences with DMV, along with a dream, to drive legally, to serve as a wake-up call for people who want to improve the socioeconomic systems that all of the general public has to go through, systems which aren't being checked for any and all kinds of discrimination on an encounter-to-encounter basis, and on a large-scale as well. I would like people to try to see how, in many ways, this is part of the legacy of slavery, whereby every aspect of society, which essential, has some sort of eerie catch to it, that will consume one's life. This is also why I think the opening lines from Gwendolyn Brooks's poem "kitchenette building" are so relatable when it comes to individuals interacting with societal institutions. 3 Works Cited Brooks, Gwendolyn. "kitchenette building." 1945. ​Poetry Foundation, ​Poetry Foundation, ​https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/43308/kitchenette-building​. Accessed 21 April 2020. 4 Reader’s Name: ___________________ Writer’s Name: _____________________ Paper #1 Workshop: Peer Editing Guidelines for Personal Essay on Deferred Dreams Title & General Paper Requirements: 1) What is the paper’s title? Does it reflect the subject of the paper? Does the paper follow the general paper guidelines (standard margins and font, page numbers, etc.)? Is it a complete draft (2-3 pages in length; note: a complete draft is optional for this paper)? Introduction & Argument: 2) Does the paper have a clear topic? What is it? State it here. Does the paper’s introduction summarize the text and introduce it as context for the personal essay, as the prompt asks? Does the intro have a concise argument about the author’s personal experience and how it relates to the text, and is it clearly stated in the introduction? Point to it on the draft and paraphrase it here. Can you restate it in a clearer, or more specific, way? If so, do so here. Does the introduction formally introduce the text it will be using (with the full title and full name of the author) to contextualize the writer’s experience? Offer suggestions for improvement or clarification, if needed. 3) Based on the introduction, do you get a clear sense of what the paper as a whole is going to be about? Does the introduction, as a whole, sufficiently orient you to the text’s topic, focus, and main ideas? Does it work as a blueprint for what’s to come in the paper? Paper Organization, Supporting Points, & Evidence 4) How is the essay organized and is this organization effective? Does the organization of the body paragraphs differ from what you expected in #3? If so, is this a problem for the paper’s argument, or focus (note: it doesn’t have to be a problem)? 5) Do the body paragraphs support the argument? If not, how can they be revised to bring them in line with the thesis? Alternatively, should the thesis be revised instead, and, if so, how? 6) Does each body paragraph adequately support its claims? Do the paragraphs provide vivid detail and examples of the author’s experience? Do these examples logically follow as evidence for the paper’s argument? Are they clearly expressed and organized in a coherent, convincing way? Does the paper also bring in and cite the outside text to contextualize the author’s experience? Does is do so in a meaningful way? 7) Are there any body paragraphs that simply summarize the topic being analyzed or are too general (i.e. don’t offer any evidence)? Point out places where either support or explanation is lacking. What can the writer do to improve these parts of his/her/their essay? Conclusion & Significance: 8) What is the paper’s conclusion? Does it focus on the significance of the author’s experience, argument, and topic? Does it offer new ideas about the stakes of the argument, not simply repeating the main ideas from the introduction? If not, what suggestions can you make for improving it? Proofreading & Final Comments: 9) Was the paper carefully written? Was its language easy or difficult to follow? 10) What are two strengths of this paper? 11) Offer two suggestions that you think will assist the writer in improving his/her/their paper. ...
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