Chapter 12: Communication in Families I. Families have changed a great deal over the years. Communicating effectively is important in families. Families today are very diverse. A. The most common forms consist of marriage and cohabitation B. People have different reasons and goals for being part of a long-term relationship. C. D. Across cultures, views vary about family. Families have cultural diversity. Couples take a variety of paths to commitment. a. The first path involves a gradual progression toward commitment with a number of ups and downs along the way. b. c. II. The second path is a rapid escalation toward marriage with no downturns or serious conflict. The third path includes a medium-length courtship and progressive intimacy, followed by a hesitation and rethinking of the relationship, then marriage and strong commitment. d. The fourth path follows a prolonged courtship period with many ups and downs and substantial, sometimes stormy conflict. Many couples have long-term commitments with each other. A. There are many reasons why some people choose not to marry. a. Many individuals cohabit for various reasons, such as a permanent alternative, heterosexual cohabitation is less restrictive than marriage, or lesbian and gay cohabitation. b. Although the number of cohabitating couples has increased, c. marriage is the most popular form of long-term commitment. These relationship types include: 1. Vital marriage: couple is very close physically and emotionally 2. Total marriage: similar to vital, but they are not continuously together 3. Passive–congenial: polite but deal with superficial matters 4. Devitalized marriage : bored with the relationship 5. Conflict–habituated marriage: incompatibles d. Mary Ann Fitzpatrick identified three distinct relationship types 1. Independents hold less conventional views of marriage and family B. 2. Traditionals share conventional views of marriage and family 3. Separates are highly autonomous. Communication and satisfaction in long-term commitments are very special. a. Words impact a relationship. How partners talk and behave towards each other influences partners’ self-esteem and feelings about the b. c. III. A. relationship. Thoughts refers to how partners think about each other and the marriage. Emotions refers to how we feel based on what we say to others and what we communicate to ourselves through self-talk. The family cycle has patterns that are unique and different compared to friendships and romantic relationships. Couples who do not have children would not engage in stages 2, 3, 4, and 5. They might go through other stages in their family life cycles, but raising and launching children would not be phases in their relationship. a. Stage 1: Establishing a Family is where a couple settles into a marriage or a cohabiting relationship and works out. b. Stage 2: Enlarging a Family is one of the major changes in many c. d. e. f. e. IV. families’ lives is the addition of children. Stage 3: Developing a family involves investing a great deal of time, thought, and energy in raising the children. Stage 4: Encouraging Independence is where children seek greater autonomy from families. Stage 5: Launching Children is a vital change for most families, it happens when the last child leaves home to go to college, marry, or live on their own. Stage 6: Postlaunching of children happens after the departure of children from the home and spouses have to redefine their marriage. Stage 7: Retirement being about further changes in family life, because it can be either positive or negative. There are four guidelines for effective communication in families. A. Maintain equity. One of the most important guidelines for sustaining healthy families is to make fairness a high priority. a. Social exchange theory states that people apply economic principles to evaluate their relationships. b. B. C. D. Equity is fairness, based on the perception that both people involved in the relationship benefit similarly from their investments. The second important guideline for communication that sustains families to be aware that families are creative projects that reflects the choices people in them make to enhance intimacy. For families to remain healthy and satisfying, family members need to demonstrate continuously that they value and respect each other. It is also important to not sweat the small stuff. Communication in Families Communicating effectively is important in families Brief History of Marriage • Until late 18th century  Most societies saw marriage as too vital to an economic and political institution to be left to the free choice of individuals • Historically been viewed as means to other goals  Hunting and gathering societies – Strategic arrangements to preserve peace between tribes  Ancient Greeks – Purpose was to produce offspring – Passion and pleasure were found with lovers outside the marriage  Middle Ages – Functioned to forge political alliance, link families, cement property transactions • Beginning late 1700s  Most in U.S. started choosing mates based on love and companionship • Historically, Americans have viewed raising children as a primary objective of marriage • Today, marriage is viewed more of a choice than a necessity. Couples take a variety of paths to commitment One Path A gradual progression toward commitment With a number of ups & downs along the way Another Path Rapid escalation toward marriage No downturns or serious conflict Yet another path Medium-length courtship Followed by hesitation and rethinking the relationship Then marriage and strong commitment And finally. . . Prolonged courtship Many ups and downs Sometimes stormy conflict Three Relationship Types Independents Hold less conventional views of marriage and family Traditionals Share conventional views of marriage and family Separates Highly autonomous Satisfaction in Long-Term Commitments • Words – influences self-esteem and feelings about the relationship • Thoughts -- how partners think about each other & relationship • Emotions -- how we feel based on what we say to others and what we communicate to ourselves through self-talk The family cycle has patterns that are unique and different compared to friendships & romantic relationships The Family Life Cycle • Establishing a family • Enlarging a family • Developing a family • Encouraging independence • Launching children • Postlaunching of children – redefinition of marriage • Retirement Family Communication Patterns Key dimensions of communication that define a family’s communication style Family Communication Patterns Two Key Orientations • Conformity Orientation  Extent to which family members are expected to adhere to a family hierarchy and conform in beliefs • Conversation Orientation  How open or closed communication is. Conformity Orientation • High  Little overt conflict  Lines of authority are respected • Low  Experience more disagreement and conflict  Children are more or less likely to adhere to all of their parents’ beliefs and values. Conversation Orientation • High  Feel free to openly express their thoughts and feelings about a range of topics  Including ones that are personal and private • Low  Tend to talk mainly about superficial topics  Tend not to disclose personal feelings and thoughts. Family Communication Patterns Consensual Families • High conversation • High conformity • Parents encourage children to express their ideas and feelings • Yet, once everyone has their say, parents expect and encourage children to adhere to their parents’ values and beliefs. Pluralistic Families • High conversation • Low conformity • Communication is open • All family members are encouraged to express their thoughts and feelings • And agreement among family members is not required or compelled • Parents respect their children’s views and decisions • Even if they do not agree with them. Protective Families • Low conversation • High conformity • Conflict is avoided • Children are expected to adhere to parents’ values, beliefs, decisions • Which may undermine open and honest communication between parents and children. Laissez-faire Families • Low conversation • Low conformity • Limited connection among members • Limited interaction between parents and children • Children are inclined to be relatively independent and do not feel close bonds. So these basic communication patterns shape: • What happens in families • How close family members are. Family Communication Patterns Guidelines for Effective Communication in Families Maintain equity To sustain healthy families make fairness a high priority What is equity? Fairness based on the perception that both partners should invest roughly equally in the relationship and benefit similarly from their investments My friend calls it “Fair trade” Perceived equity (“fair trade”) is a primary influence on relationship satisfaction Guidelines for Effective Communication in Families Families are creative projects Make daily choices to enhance intimacy The Power of Words Happy couples tend to communicate more:  Support  Agreement  Understanding  Interest in each other. Unhappy couples tend to engage in:  Frequent criticism  Negative statements  Mind reading  Egocentric communication  Don’t rely on dual perspective. What makes a good marriage? Happy couples avoid dynamics that rip apart the fabric of their relationship when they fight • Criticism – personal attacks • Contempt – disrespect, sarcasm, insults • Defensiveness – focusing on protecting themselves instead of dealing with the problems or protecting the relationship • Stonewalling – refusing to discuss problems. Instead, they. . . • Make frequent efforts to revive intimacy • Defuse tension • Reach out to each other • Apologize • Use humor. And. . . • Sustain closeness • Build supportive climates • Rely on constructive communication during conflict • Fulfill trust • Enhance each others’ self-esteem What might that look like? • Do you listen mindfully to your partner or child when you are tired? • Do you buy small gifts when there is no special reason? • Do you find the energy to go to your child’s game even when you’ve had a rough day? • Do you engage in dual perspective so that you can understand your children on their terms? • Do you stay in touch with your partner’s concerns and dreams? Guidelines for Effective Communication in Families Demonstrate continuously that they value and respect each other Guidelines for Effective Communication in Families Don’t sweat the small stuff! To reduce the tendency to make out of mole hills mountains Take responsibility for our perceptions and our responses to them Bottom line. . . Communicating effectively is important in families Guidelines for Effective Communication in Families • Make fairness a high priority • Make daily choices to enhance closeness and connection • Demonstrate value and respect • Don’t sweat the small stuff And, remember. . . Progress, not perfection! Source: Wood, Julia T. (2015). Interpersonal Communication: Everyday Encounters (8th ed.). Boston: Wadsworth Publishing. Interpersonal Communication in review: • Communication creates and reflects identity • Interpersonal communication is central to relationships • Interpersonal communication takes place in a diverse world Creates and Reflects Identity Communication: • Shapes personal identity • Primary means by which we express who we are Family members: • Shape our attachment styles • Shape scripts we follow  In dealing with conflict  Expressing emotions Central to Relationships Communication is the heart of personal relationships We need to know how to:  Express our feelings, needs, ideas – In a way that can be understood  Listen sensitively and responsively – So they feel safe being open and honest Takes place in a diverse world The more we interact with people whose backgrounds beliefs communication styles differ from our own The more we will grow as individuals and as members of a shared world. Way to Improve Self-Concept • Make a firm commitment to personal growth • Acquire knowledge about desired changes and concrete skills • Set realistic goals • Assess yourself fairly • Create experiences and relationships that support the changes you seek. Guidelines for Interpersonal Communication Competence 1. Develop a range of skills 2. Adapt communication appropriately 3. Engage in dual perspective 4. Monitor your communication 5. Commit to effective and ethical communication. The Mouse says: “When you look at something from a new point of view, you see it differently.” And, remember. . . Progress, not perfection! Source: Wood, Julia T. (2015). Interpersonal Communication: Everyday Encounters (8th ed.). Boston: Wadsworth Publishing. 
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