CREATIVE LIFE use "self-indulgent” as an umbrella term to encompass a lot of artistically doomed behaviors. The stereotypical primadonna character is a familiar and extreme form of the self-indulgent ego, but there are many others, less examined and more subtle. Self-indulgence usually boils down to being impressed with oneself, or the significance of one's personal experiences. The defining attitude is, "it's all about me." To the extent that we indulge in a "self" in the first place, we are mov- ing in the opposite direction of spiritual evolution. Or to paraphrase Carlos Castaneda, when we give excessive importance to the self, we are obstructing our spiritual connection with life.' The problem is not that we have a "self" (although there is evidence to suggest that there really is no such thing), but rather that we give it too much importance; we empha- size it too much, interpret our experience too obsessively through that lens-in short, we have an indulgent relationship with this "self," real or not. Self-importance, or self-indulgence, narrows our perspective and places our choices in a context of why me? Choices and attitudes cultivat- ed in this soil bear bitter fruit. In the context of creative life, the comments of the fourteenth Grand Master of the Urasenke School of Tea, in Japan, are relevant: To those who aspire to follow the Way of Tea, guard against jeal- ousy. To place yourself at the center, to envy others, to tempt oth- ers—these are unpardonable. Know your duty, and as you immerse yourself daily in the Way of Tea, you will be rewarded with happiness. The more you look up to others, the dearer your own position in relation to them will become. Whenever some- thing untoward happens, people try to make themselves look as good as possible. But if we remember the humble heart of the host in the tea room, for he knows the spiritual taste of tea, then this persistent clinging to power for its own sake will be seen for what it is know what you know and know what you don't know, for only then will the limits of your strength become evident. To attain spiritual power, seize the chance when it offers itself; devote 22 Self-Indulgence yourself to study and practice. In life are many who feign knowl- edge and lead others astray. No action can be more reprehensible . The Way is never exclusive. It is open to all to follow, but those who set out upon the path perforce need the help of those who have passed that way before. Self-indulgence can take forms that might be surprising. What looks like self-discipline, for example, can in fact be an indulgence. If the goal of one's discipline is to get "in shape" for the sake of vanity, this is not too dif- ficult to see. The indulgence of vanity is the context in which the discipline is set. The same can be said for other forms of self-improvement. Self- importance—or excessive focus on the self-as Castaneda points out, is really something else. It is in fact self-pity, born of the disconnected feel- ing we have due to fleeing our own empty center. Self-discipline, then, can actually boil down to an excuse to feel sorry for ourselves. For this reason, while most spiritual paths recognize the value of self-discipline used right- ly, the best teachers also encourage balance, so that discipline itself is not the be-all and end-all of practice. The same obviously holds true for the creative life generally In the beginning, I throw the paint at the canvas and rough it up a lot. One gets rid of a lot of violence and tendencies toward undisciplined self-expression that way!- Andrew Wyeth Self-criticism, which might also seem like the opposite of self-indul- gence, can also fool us. (Actually, it usually only fools the person doing it; outside witnesses often have quite a clear sense of what we are up to.) Focusing on oneself with harsh critical judgment, as painful as it might be, is on some level reassuring and comforting to the fragile ego. We already feel sorry for ourselves, so why not make it look justified through abusive 23 CHAPTER 4 Self-Indulgence Whatever liberates our spirit without giving us self- control is disastrous ---Johann Wolfgang von Goethe have a motto, which is, "Self-indulgence is the essence of all bad inherent in artistic work makes it more poignant and urgent in its appli- cation. Whatever critique one might offer of any artwork, in any medium, the failings always boil down to some type of self-indulgence on the cre- ator's part. Too sloppy, too precious, too subtle, too overt-naive, cynical, cowardly, pretentious and on and on My motto runs contrary to the stereotype many people still harbor of the great artist as self-absorbed egotist. To be sure, there are plenty of artists who place themselves in a position to fulfill the stereotype; but to the extent that they do so while executing their art, it will be bad. You can tell if you look closely. Bad art has the stink of ego. By "bad" I mean obtuse, destructive or obstructed in its communica- tion, shoddily conceived or formed, hollow or out of synch with itself; one might say "vulgar" if a certain moralistic implication could be left out. I CREATIVE LIFE of the self reproach? And if (as is usually the case) such self-reproach is the internal ization that is, bringing into the self—of external authority figures from childhood, it carries the implication of importance or longed-for validity Interestingly, harsh criticism of others is usually inspired by harsh self- criticism; they come from the same source. Abusive criticism of children by adults therefore represents an unending chain of future harshness toward self and others, continuing on through generations until someone is brave enough to stop it. We practice self-criticism in this way because it seems to fill a psycho- logical hole. In reality, that hole is best filled by expanding our perception to encompass more than our own little world. If we can relax enough to see a bigger picture (with less obsessive, indulgent focus on the self) our criticism might lose its strident edge and the hole we have been looking to fill will become less imposing. Apparent acts of selfless service can also be motivated by an unexam- ined need to bolster the self. If we believe strongly that there must or should be a self present, but are unable to locate it in the way we expect, we may be terrified by the empty hole our search uncovers. Then we might try to fill that hole in any way we can, perhaps with a frenzy of “selfless" activity that is really meant to mask the emptiness we feel. While such service might in fact help other people, and be useful in the world, it is also a lie. The unexamined dishonesty at the core of such selflessness eventual- ly comes to haunt the compulsive doet. The pain is all the worse when the person involved has convinced him or herself that they are accumulating spiritual merit for their service, only to realize that their concept of spiri- Really, what is hollow is the conception of the self. A thorough, scientific, investigation of what appears to be the "self" reveals that there is really nothing solid there but a social construct. that we can put a finger on ourselves.' Buddhism, for example, teaches that all experience is in fact fundamentally empty or groundless, despite the con- ceptualizations and labels we attach to it with our minds. The reason we tuality is hollow. even Certainly there is nothing Self-Indulgence lack inner peace is that we are unwilling to allow such emptiness to abide as it is. We feel a need to fill it somehow, to create something solid, and in our frantic activity we "spin" an apparent self out of thin air. Creative life is one form by which we might slow down our relentless rushing about and experience the groundlessness that is our authentic being. What's more important, it enables us to make peace with this groundlessness, which is at the core of the creative process. When we are able to rest in the silence between our busy thoughts and concerns about our "self" creativity arises spontaneously of its own accord. Creative life revolves around our ability to spin down our activity of self-creation. While this process is sometimes described as a turning inward, it is really a relaxation of concern with what is inside us that makes it possible. 25
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