Writing comments about my friend's essay - only comments not essay

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Hi , how are you doing

I need someone to write comments about my friend's essay

The comment will be about

If he does the following condition that will be alright , and say he has a goo intro but in Academic way . If he has unclear thesis , you will write an advice for him about the thesis , intro con , etc ? Have gotten the idea ?

The conditions are ,

1- Is he has an intro ?

2- Body

3- conclusion

4-vivid detail

5-setting

6-characters

7-climx or conflict

8-solution

9-organization

10- Transition words

11- Smooth

12- Is it MLA format

Pleas I have only 3 hours to submit , so I will let this assignment for 1 hour

Finally, it is comments to improve his writing if he mess something, but if he does it very well , you have to write he has MLA format very well etc and I will attache the essay

Unformatted Attachment Preview

Alzuabi 1 Shabib Alzuabi Miss Kerri Bennett Composition I MWF 8:00 27 January, 2017 Vanilla ice cream My grandma always says that people who laugh at their mistakes will always make those around them laughing along. Today I learned the facts in her utterance. ‘Stay in line,’ Mr. Omar shouted. I knew at that moment that my friend Khaled would not be able to cut. I looked at Khaled and frowned. However, the line began to move, and I followed along just hoping that I will get my favorite vanilla ice cream. When I reached the counter, I looked at the available choices. All I could see was chocolate and strawberry ice creams. I could hear the rumbling of my seemingly disappointed stomach. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I finally saw one last piece of vanilla ice cream. My level of excitement was unbelievable. ‘Vanilla ice cream,’ I said politely. Mr. Omar handed me the ice cream. I took the cone hurriedly that the ice cream fell. My efforts in saving it were futile. I could feel my face turning redder and redder while all I could hear were other kids in the line laughing. As I looked at my upside-down cone I heard Mr. Omar, ‘Shabib, would you like a strawberry ice cream as a replacement?’ I looked and saw Khaled laughing too. With a nervous smile, I responded, “Of course.” Mr. Omar smiled and served me with another cone of strawberry ice cream. I looked around at my friends and laughed again. I quickly grabbed the ice cream and walked away with my friends excitedly. My friends could not stop laughing at me. However, things turned out even worse thereafter. Alzuabi 2 We had planned to go skating soon after we had our ice cream. My friends finished their ice cream first, while I was still licking onto the creamy parts. I did not want it to end yet. I had to spare some so I could take a picture skating while taking my ice cream. Khaled thought it was a stupid idea, and especially since, I risked falling. I shrugged off the idea, “I know what I am doing,” I said. We got to the ice skating house, and the instructor, Mr. Abdo gave us safety precautions. One thing he insisted was that we could not eat while on the ice field. However, I still wanted to get my photo, so I did not hind to advice given. A few minutes later, we were all suited up with our ice skating boots. Khaled still concerned that I still had my ice cream, he asked me to finish it up. I still did not listen, I had to take my photo. Therefore, I paused eating my ice cream in the skating court, however I could not stay still. “Stay still…be careful you will fall…,” that was Khaled still concerned as he took a few shots of me. A few seconds later, my feet lost traction and I was flying on the ice court. Everyone on the court started laughing at me. This time, Khaled could not help it. I was in pain. “ I told you, I told you this would happen…” Khaled continued his hysterical laughter. I begun laughing at myself too, I thought I was brave enough. I just wanted to be cool, well another embarrassing moment on the day. What happened to me that day reminded me of my grandmother’s words, “that people who laugh at their mistakes will always make those around them laughing along.” Yes, it was stupid of me, however, I could not help it, I just wanted my photo. What an embarrassing day.
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Comments to Shabib’s essay


Shabib has a very good introduction. He starts by noting something that his grandmother
says. However, the introductory paragraph is very short. As a result, the essay lacks a
succinct thesis. Make the introductory paragraph at least three sentences.



The body of Shabib’s essay is fulfilling. He has met the minimum number of wor...


Anonymous
Awesome! Perfect study aid.

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