CHAPTER 8 Building and Maintaining Relationships The Value of Relationships Social capital: A resource based on interpersonal connections that can be converted into economic and other benefits Bonding Social Capital Bonding social capital: Benefits that result from close relationships with parents, children, and other family members Bridging Social Capital Bridging social capital: Benefits that result from connections with friends and close associates Trends in Bridging Social Capital in Canada Linking Social Capital Linking social capital: Benefits that result from relationships with people in positions of power who are outside of our usual network Reasons for Forming Relationships Social Exchange Theory • Uses an economic model to weigh the perceived costs and benefits associated with a relationship • Predicts that we will leave a relationship in which the costs outweigh the benefits Reasons for Forming Relationships: Needs Theory (FIRO) • Need for inclusion – need to be connected to other people • Need for control – need to influence our relationships, decisions, and activities and to let others influence us • Need for affection – need to feel liked by others, which will lead to greater level of openness in interactions Need for Inclusion • Ideal personal characteristics – individual who has the ability to enjoy being with others or being alone • Oversocial characteristics – individual who has a tendency to work extra hard to seek attention and interactions with others • Undersocial characteristics – individual who has a tendency to avoid interaction with others Need for Control • High need for control – individual who wants to take charge most of the time and who is uncomfortable in a follower role • Low need for control – individual who is uncomfortable in a leadership role • Ideal personal characteristics –Individual who (1) alternates between exercising control and allowing others to exercise control and (2) feels comfortable leading at times and following at other times Need for Affection • Ideal personal type – individual who wants to be liked but feels comfortable in situations that may result in dislike • Underpersonal type – individual who feels undervalued and seeks to avoid close relationships • Overpersonal type – individual who seeks to establish close relationships with everyone, regardless of whether others show interest Types of Relationships • Relationships of Circumstance - relationships that develop because of situations or circumstances in which we find ourselves • Relationships of Choice - relationships we actively seek out and choose to develop Relationship Contexts Family Friends Romantic partners Work colleagues Family • Our earliest interactions with family and primary caregivers give rise to internal working models—mental pictures of the nature of relationships and what to expect from them. • These relationships become a model for later interactions in our lives. • When relationships are secure and satisfying, we are more likely to have high quality relationships later in life. • Children who are securely attached to their primary caregivers are more responsive, outgoing, empathic, and less aggressive; and they have better linguistic skills and are able to talk about their emotions better. • Many indigenous children separated from their parents and placed in residential schools have suffered their whole lives as a result of having these early years with family taken away from them. Friends (Childhood and Adolescence) • Benefits of peer friendships include the development of social competence and confidence, companionship, intimacy, and selfvalidation. • Children raised to expect rejection often act in ways that provoke rejection, and cycles that begin in elementary school can persist into adulthood. • Children learn early to listen and acknowledge others, to take turns and to keep conversations going, to recognize relevant content in interactions, and to respond appropriately. • They begin to understand empathy. • In adolescence, youth turn more to peers for validation and intimacy; they focus more on talk than play and become skilled at initiating and sustaining conversations; they learn empathic listening and selfdisclosure skills and begin to develop identities. • Rejection in adolescence leads to maladjustment and relationship and behavioural issues later. Friends (Early, Middle, & Later Adulthood) • The primary focus of early adulthood is developing intimate relationships through talk and exchange of information. • Shared activities and time and self-disclosure seem to be pathways to intimacy, the first preferred more by men and the second by women. • In middle adulthood (35-55), friendships take back seat to family; there is a decline in cross-gender friends; and new friends often come from activities involving children of other parents. • Changes in friendship in older adults relate to the characteristics of the person and the contexts in which they live. • Older adults have better health, social outcomes, and greater independence when they enjoy networks of friends and have community support. • Older adults who engage in positive social interactions live longer. Work Colleagues • While we do not choose relationships of circumstance in the workplace, these friendships are very important to our emotional and physical well being. • Friendships in the workplace can be working friendships (limited emotional investment) or social friendships (involving interactions outside the workplace). • Positive benefits can include greater flow of information, higher levels of engagement, and better job performance when they provide support and resources. • When working or social friendships become romantic, it can offer emotional support, the enjoyment of frequent encounters, and satisfaction that comes with understanding and sharing the successes and stresses of the workplace. • Negatives can include negotiating breakups, accusations of favoritism by other employees, and the possibility of allegations of sexual harassment. Romantic Relationships • People are marrying much later; between 1972 and 2008, average age of first marriage went from 22.5 to 29.1 for women and 24.9 to 31.1 for men. • Couples used to find their mates in high school or shortly after graduation; now they meet the person in many different circumstances, often online these days. • Benefits are obvious: first contacts from safety of home, availability of apps, and increasing sophistication of software. • Main concerns are privacy, fears of misrepresentation, personal security, and discomfort with seeking out relationships with strangers. • To combat concerns, people do online searches, examine public records, ask probing questions, and sign up for check-in or callin services (when meeting up with a stranger) if no friend is available to check on you. Relationships in Transition: Coming Together or Coming Apart • Coming together o Initiating o Experimenting o Intensifying o Integrating o Bonding • Coming apart o Differentiating o Circumscribing o Stagnating o Avoiding o Terminating Relational Markers • We can identify the stage of a relationship by observing verbal and nonverbal communication patterns. • For example, pet names or holding hands can tell us the stage and state of a relationship.  Objects such as wedding rings or matching clothing can also indicate the stage of a relationship. Coming Together: Initiating • At the initiating stage, you form a first impression based on verbal and nonverbal elements such as appearance and dress, body language, and speech. • You talk about superficial topics (e.g., current events, weather). • You gather info about the other person, which will help you to decide if you want to move forward with the relationship. • If you decide to pursue relationship, you move to next level. • Some scholars have found marked differences in the views of millennials and older people when it comes to initiating romantic relationships in the workplace. • Many millennials, for example, see workplace relationships as beneficial & acceptable, even when involving a supervisor, whereas older generations see initiation of these relationships as risky, giving rise to perceptions of favoritism and imbalance of power. Coming Together: Experimenting At this stage, you look for common ground by sharing information on school, hobbies, work, etc., and asking and responding to routine questions such as “Where are you from?” “What do you do for a living?” “What do you like to do in your free time?” To move to the next level of the relationship, both of you must show an interest in moving forward. Social Penetration Theory • Social penetration theory says that closeness in relationships comes from sharing information about ourselves. As we share increasingly personal info, we build intimacy. • Breadth – the number of conversational topics that allow you to reveal aspects of yourself (e.g., hobbies, career ambitions, health, sports played, and other interests) • Depth – the amount of information available on any topic (for e.g., superficial info about a hobby or more intimate info about a fear of losing your scholarship) Coming Together: Intensifying • You spend more time together in shared activities. • You increase physical contact—e.g., more shows of affection in public— and look for signs of commitment. • You take bigger risks by disclosing more personal or intimate information such as “I am worried about failing that course and getting kicked out of school” or “I’m afraid I might lose my job.” • You are in a position to move to the next stage if the other person responds well to your self-disclosures and self-discloses in response. Self-Disclosure Theory: Johari Window The Internal Drive to Self-Disclose • Reward centres in the brain light up more when we talk about ourselves than when we talk about others. • Volunteers in experiments accept less money in exchange for the chance to talk about themselves. • Writing about traumatic, stressful, or emotional events boosts our emotional and physical health. • People enjoy sharing secrets, as witnessed by the PostSecret.com website. Self-Disclosure: PostSecret.com The Dangers of Self-Disclosure Voyeurism - Spying into the private lives of others, especially prevalent in age of social media • Physical safety concerns - e.g., stalking • Financial concerns – e.g., stolen financial records and identities • Psychological and emotional concerns – e.g., stresses associated with cyberbullying Coming Together: Integrating • You become a social unit in the eyes of others, sharing activities, interests, and holidays. • You receive invitations and attend events as a couple. • You develop restricted language codes (“insider language”) and shared daily rituals. • You may adopt a similar dress code or even dress like the other person. • You think in terms of shared property—ours, not yours or mine. Integrating Coming Together: Bonding • You communicate the status of your relationship in a more formal and public way. • You move in together or get engaged or married. • You trust that the other will accept your “real self.” • You talk about your commitment to be present for the other person through difficult times. Relationship Troubles Coming Apart: Signs of Trouble • Women usually sense trouble before men do. • Specific verbal and nonverbal clues of deescalation include the following: Decreases in touching, proximity, eye contact, smiling, voice variation, and frequency of interaction. Coming Apart or Redefining the Relationship: Differentiating • You may experience a decrease in physical contact and interaction at the differentiating stage. • You may start to use words such as I, me, and mine instead of we, us, and ours. • You experience a shift toward individual instead of shared identities, sometimes setting more boundaries in the relationship. • The move toward individual identities can sometimes add a spark to the relationship as you share new interests and adventures; but if you start to prefer time away from the other, you may be taking the elevator to a lower floor. Coming Apart: Circumscribing • You communicate less often with the other person. • Your talk revolves around safe and impersonal topics. • You share fewer of your problems with the other person. • Your commitment to the relationship declines, but others do not see the decline. Coming Apart: Stagnating • Your relationship has become shallow and predictable: same friends, same routines, same conversations. • You spend less time with the other person. • You go through the motions, but you no longer care. • Your lack of interest becomes more obvious—to the person and to outsiders. • You can still recover the relationship, but it will take a lot of work and serious mutual commitment. Coming Apart: Avoiding • You ignore or avoid the person altogether. • You may leave the room or just tune out. • You may be superficially polite or openly hostile. • You no longer depend on the other for confirmation of selfvalue. Ghosting • Ghosting refers to disappearing from contact without explanation. • About 50% of men and women today have been ghosted, and almost as many have done the ghosting. • Emotional effects can be devastating, especially for those whose self-esteem relies heavily on the opinion of others. • Online relationships make it easier to drop out, and people become desensitized and more likely to do it to someone else. • In longer term relationships, it can be traumatic. • Social rejection activates the same pain pathways in the brain as physical pain. Ghosting (cont.) • Ghosting is also psychologically painful because you don’t know how to react—whether the person is ill or hurt, busy or unable to make contact, or wanting out of the relationship. • Ghosting causes a person to question not only the relationship but also oneself (why didn’t I see it coming, what did I do wrong, how can I protect myself in the future). • Ghosting is the “ultimate use of the silent treatment” and “viewed by mental health professionals as a form of emotional cruelty,” keeping you from asking questions, expressing feelings and being heard, & achieving closure. • Ghosting says more about the other person than about you— their lack of courage to handle their emotions or your reaction, their failure to understand, or their lack of ability to empathize or care; be the better person and show respect to others. Cloaking • New name for the ghosting phenomenon, where person doesn’t just stand you up for a date, but they also block you on any app on which you’ve previously communicated • While not showing up is ghosting, cloaking goes a step further; it involves hiding and blocking, leaving no way for person to contact you (like donning an invisibility cloak) Coming Apart: Terminating Terminating: Choosing a Channel  You or your partner decides to end the relationship. • Your notice of intention may take the form of a letter, phone call, text message, tweet, social media posting, legal document, or even a note left on the bathroom mirror! Common Channels In 2010, the mobile social network MocoSpace surveyed 20,000 of its members under age 30; 57 per cent admitted to using their phone to break-up with someone, and 47per cent revealed they had been dumped via text message. And just to illustrate the last point, celebrities are not exempt. Katy Perry learned her marriage to Russell Brand was over via text message What Happens Afterwards? • Subsequent conversations revolve around practical matters such as division of property. • Endings can be positive or negative. • In best case scenario, relationship can return to friendship status • This return to friendship is most likely if people were friends before intimacies developed or if breakup had positive tone. • There is a tendency to blame failure of relationship on other person (except in case of divorced women, who are more likely to blame themselves). A Search for the Reasons for Relationship Failure • The majority of marriages end in separation, divorce, or dysfunction; only three in ten remain in healthy, happy marriages. • In the 1970s, psychologists at the Gottman Institute began studying couple relationships to determine why some marriages succeed and others fail. • In 1986, Gottman and colleagues established a “love lab” to study the interactions of newlyweds. • The studies involved 3000 participants who were asked to talk about their relationship, how they met, a major conflict they were confronting as a couple, and a positive memory they shared; they were also asked to engage in simulated disputes. • The researchers looked for physiological and verbal patterns that characterized the disputant behaviours. • The researchers developed the ability to predict separation or divorce in 94 per cent of the cases, based on how disputants engaged in arguments. “Disasters and Masters of Love” • Based on their findings, the researchers divided the couples into “masters” and “disasters.” • The masters remained happily married after six years; the disasters had either ended their marriages or were chronically unhappy. • Physiologically, the masters remained calm and connected, displaying warm and affectionate behavior during the interviews. • The disasters looked calm, but their biological signs (fast blood flow, rapid heart beats and sweating) told a different story; they were in “fight-or-flight mode,” ready to attack and be attacked, even when talking about mundane or pleasant aspects of their relationship. “Bids for Attention” • In 1990 follow-up, Gottman invited 130 newlywed couples to spend day at B&B-type retreat, where they behaved as on vacation: cooking, talking, reading, listening to music. • Gottman looked at how couples responded to what he termed bids or requests for attention. • If a spouse commented on, for example, something in their environment: a bird, painting, music, or other, Gottman considered the comment as a bid for attention. • Couples responded in different ways: turning toward their partner and showing interest, responding minimally or ignoring comment, or even showing annoyance. • Six years later, Gottman found that divorced couples had “turn-toward bids” 33% of time; couples together had “turn-toward bids” 87% of time (i.e., meeting emotional needs of partner close to 9/10 times). What is the Most Important Factor in Successful Marriages • According to Gottman, the main question is “Does the person bring kindness and generosity or contempt, criticism, and hostility to the relationship?” • Masters scan environment for things they can appreciate in other person and build culture of respect; disasters scan environment for partners’ mistakes. • Kindness, coupled with emotional stability, are most important predictors of satisfaction in marriage. • Some studies show that the more we receive or witness kindness, the more we show kindness to ourselves. • A disaster would say: “You’re late. What’s wrong with you? You’re just like your mom.” A master would say: “I know it’s not always your fault, but I feel really annoyed that you’re late every time we arrange to meet.” “What Does Kindness Resemble?” • Kindness doesn’t mean we don’t express anger; it just influences how we express it: e.g., explaining why we are hurt and angry instead of making accusatory statements and using “I” instead of “you” language. • Kindness does not have to involve back rubs or boxes of candy; it can and should be an everyday activity. • Be kind in attributing motives to a person; losing something or forgetting an anniversary is probably not intentional. • Appreciate the intent even if it comes out badly: your partner buys a gift you already have in your closet or purchases the wrong colour or size. • Share moments of joy with the other person: a promotion, good news, getting nominated for an award, finding the perfect gift for a niece. What Kills a Relationship? “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” • Criticism – attack upon personality or character of the other • Contempt – insults and other forms of disrespect • Defensiveness – reaction based on perception that you are a victim • Stonewalling – withdrawing and disengaging from the conflict instead of addressing the problem What is the #1 Offender? Contempt is the number one offender and people focused on criticizing partner miss 50% of what partners do right and see negativity when it is not there; they make partner feel small and invisible, undervalued. Gottman’s team concluded that constructive arguments, focused on the problem and not the people, are healthy and normal responses to conflict; they do not predict separation or divorce. Looking for “Perfect” in Partners • What is perfect differs for each person; make a list of the “big things” that matter, the ones you are not willing to negotiate. • Then find what is perfect in the other person rather than seeking perfect; accept imperfections that are not deal breakers. • Don’t compare current partner with ex’s; live in the moment. • Remind yourself of reasons that earlier relationships failed. • Consider the possibility that it is you who needs to change. Are you afraid of commitment? Are you sabotaging relationships because you fear rejection and want to be the one who ends them? What do you need to change in yourself in order to accept the imperfections in others and recognize their good qualities? Tips for Building and Maintaining Relationships • Show interest in others, ask questions, and avoid talking too much about yourself. • Be realistic about the people who populate your home, social, and work life. • Instead of dwelling on the irritating habits of a co-worker, roommate, or family member, note the good qualities of that person. • Work at seeing the other person’s perspective rather than explaining others’ behaviour from your own point of view. Tips for Building and Maintaining Relationships (cont.) • Recognize that you and others will have differences of opinion, but you do not need to address all of these differences. • Use your words and nonverbal communication to make what John Gottman calls “repair attempts” when you see a conflict developing. • Self-disclose to build intimacy. • Set boundaries. • Don’t let electronic devices replace or interfere with face-to-face interaction. Development of a New Way of Looking at Intelligence Theories of Daniel Goleman: Emotional Intelligence According to Daniel Goleman, emotional intelligence (EQ) involves the following five elements: • Self-awareness – becoming aware of your emotions • Self-regulation – managing your emotions • Motivation – having the drive to achieve and move toward your goals in an optimistic way • Empathy – recognizing emotions in others • Social skills – handling relationships Goleman says that a reasonably high IQ and expertise are baseline necessities in achieving a leadership position; however, the most successful leaders score high on EQ. Empathy • “In order to connect with you, I have connect with something in myself that knows that feeling.” (Brené Brown) • Most important component of EQ • Ability to feel what the other person is feeling • No necessity to agree with the other person, only to understand what they are feeling from their point of view Empathy: Feeling with the Other A few feet from the finish line, Kenyan athlete Abel Mutai was confused with the signage and stopped, thinking he had completed the race. Close behind, the Spanish athlete, Ivan Fernandez, realized what was happening and shouted for Mutai to continue running, but Mutai did not understand Spanish. So Fernandez pushed him over the line to victory. • A journalist asked Ivan, "Why did you do that?" • Ivan replied, "My dream is that someday we can have a kind of community life." • The journalist insisted "But why did you let the Kenyan win?" • Ivan replied, "I didn't let him win, he was going to win". • The journalist insisted again, "But you could have won!" • Ivan looked at him & replied," But what would be the merit of my victory? What would be the honor of that medal? What would my Mom think of that?" Empathy in a Covid19 World: Connecting and Feeling with the Other Empathy in a World of Protest: Standing with the Vulnerable Empathy in a World of Protest: Standing with the Vulnerable Empathy in a World of Protest: Kneeling in Support of the Vulnerable Becoming More Empathetic: Nonverbal Mirroring “We can teach ourselves to become more empathetic by mirroring the body positions, posture, tone, volume, gestures, and facial expressions of others. To understand how mirroring encourages empathy, imagine yourself in your most empathetic moments. Perhaps someone has suffered a loss in the family or some other trauma. It feels natural to stoop a little and use softer gestures and facial expressions when discussing the matter with them. Their demeanor prompts us to mirror them, and as we do, we learn more about how they feel. Forcing yourself to mirror another individual has largely the same effect.” Source: Great West Life, Centre for Mental Health in the Workplace, “Exercise: Building Empathy through Mirroring” Popular Books on EQ Popular Books on EQ (cont.) New Training Approaches New Ways of Profiling and Evaluating Employees Emotional Intelligence – Coaching Careers New Approaches to Dealing with Executives Origins of EQ: Multiple Intelligences Theory (Howard Gardner) • Linguistic intelligence ("word smart"—learn best through words – learning through lectures, taking notes, writing essays, etc.) • Logical-mathematical intelligence ("number/reasoning smart"—learn best through numbers or logic – exercise in argumentation and reasoning, participation in debate, math theories) • Visual-spatial intelligence ("picture smart"—learn best through pictures and visuals – photographs in texts and movies, TV) • Bodily-kinesthetic intelligence ("body smart"—learn best through a physical experience – nonverbal group exercise, observing behaviour of others) Multiple Intelligences (cont.) • Musical intelligence ("music smart"—learn best through music – e.g., asked to illustrate an idea by choosing appropriate music to reflect the mood of the idea) • Naturalist intelligence ("nature smart"—learn best through an experience in the natural world – e.g., anthropology dig, nature hike) • Interpersonal intelligence – “people smart—learn best through a social experience • Intrapersonal intelligence ("self smart"—capacity to be self-aware and in tune with inner feelings, values, beliefs and thinking processes; learn best through self-reflection: e.g., maybe meditation, guided fantasies) • Existential intelligence – sensitivity to and capacity to tackle deep questions about human existence CHAPTER 9 Managing Conflict and Practicing Civility Words Used by Others to Describe Conflict • • • • • • • Fight Anger Pain War Impasse Destruction Fear • • • • • • • Mistake Avoid Control Hate Loss Bad Wrongdoing Sources of Conflict • • • • • • • Differences in beliefs, attitudes, and values Personality differences Incompatible and conflicting goals or roles Interdependencies Insufficient or different information Poor communication Scarce and non-distributable resources and power struggles • Stressful situations Source: Differences in Beliefs, Attitudes, and Values • Conflicts may originate with differences associated with age, race, ethnicity, political orientation, language, religion, socio-economic status o E.g., disputes over the Quebec law banning the wearing of religious symbols in the workplace o E.g., disputes over legal requirements to wear masks in public venues o E.g., arguments over whether parents should be forced to follow custody agreements during Covid o E.g., disagreements about how to improve the health care system or reduce the deficit o E.g., family disagreements over whether to send children to school or keep them at home during Covid o E.g., conflicts over money in a marriage or divorce Source: Personality Differences • Someone who is highly social may come into conflict with a partner who does not enjoy socializing. • An activist may end up leaving a relationship in which the other person shows little interest in social justice issues. • Tests such as Myers-Briggs attempt to identify personality types in order to place employees in the right positions, working with compatible others. o E.g., One person values rules, procedures, meeting deadlines, being accurate, thorough, and reliable. The other values spontaneity, not planning ahead. One may value keeping a tidy house or apartment. The other may place more emphasis on having a good time. Source: Incompatible and Conflicting Goals and Roles • Conflicts in goals and roles affect personal and work lives. o E.g., A couple may argue over what to do in their spare time, where to vacation, or where to live. One may want a big home, an expensive car, and trips to the Caribbean, while the other wants to save for the future. In terms of roles, one may want to spend a lot of time at work in order to get ahead; the other may resent the late nights and weekends spent on business trips. o E.g., In the workplace, management may aim to make the most money possible, while workers may place more value on time with family and quality of life. Roles also come into conflict when one employee takes over the duties of another. o In some parts of Canada, people rely on seal hunting for a living, but animal rights groups decry the practice. Source: Interdependencies • Sometimes our fates are intertwined with the fates of others, over whom we have no control. This situation can be source of frustration and anger. o E.g., Couples who are financially interdependent, but one is unable to hold a steady job o E.g., Children living in parents’ home o E.g., Classmates working on project where all will get same grade o E.g., Teachers in Canadian school system who need income but fear returning to work without possibility for safe classroom conditions (adequate ventilation, social distancing, PPE) Source: Insufficient or Different Information • Both parties may know all the facts, but they may disagree on the causes, the likely outcome, or solutions. Sometimes they do not know the reasons for an organizational or personal decision. o E.g., Employee misses group meeting because of family emergency, which she does not want to explain to her co-workers o E.g., Organization delays bonuses because of financial crisis, about which they don’t want to notify investors o E.g., Parent does not want child to get a vaccine because of publicity warning of side effects o E.g., Parents don’t want children to attend school during Covid because of incomplete information on what is going to happen in the schools o E.g., Tragic consequences result when police receive incomplete or inaccurate information about a domestic dispute Source: Poor Communication • Sometimes we lack adequate communication skills. At other times, we communicate inappropriately or not at all. Misunderstandings and conflict arise as a result. o E.g., Someone keeps interrupting when we are trying to speak o E.g., A wife expects more communication from her husband, but he prefers to watch a hockey game on TV o E.g., An immigrant tries to explain his needs to airline personnel, but he does not have sufficient language skills. He is booked on the wrong flight and the situation results in an argument. o E.g., Incident in BC where person died after being tasered Source: Scarce and Non-Distributable Resources & Power Struggles • This source of conflict relates to competition for limited resources. My success requires your failure. Sometimes it involves a power struggle. o E.g., One room that both roommates prefer o E.g., One winner in a hockey game o E.g., One open position in an organization o E.g., One last parking spot or ticket to a concert Source: Stressful Situations • Many situations create stress, which can result in arguments, confrontations, and even violence. o E.g., Someone interferes with your ability to concentrate on an important task o E.g., An employee faces an unrealistic deadline for accomplishing work o E.g., Airline personnel have to deal with passengers whose flights have been cancelled or delayed o E.g., Forced to work a double shift, a nurse grows tired and irritable, with little tolerance for the demands of patients and staff. Types of Conflict • Overt conflict – Conflict involving open disagreement, where parties often use metalanguage to discuss their problems and issues o E.g., Parties air their feelings about an issue on which they do not agree. • Covert conflict – Hidden conflict, not always known to both parties, where one displays passive-aggressive behaviours instead of addressing the issues directly o E.g., Someone pretends not to hear the other person or walks away while the person is talking to them. Stages of Conflict • Conflict escalates and issues multiple. • Parties in conflict shift from focussing on issues to focussing on personalities. • Rhetoric becomes accusatory and sometimes threatening. • Parties generalize about the behaviours of others. o “You’re always late.” • Actions may follow when threats don’t work. • Parties pull others into the conflict. • Parties get locked into positions that make resolution difficult, and conflict escalates to maximum extent. Stages of Conflict • If reached, Act II is a transition stage. • Parties in conflict have lost hope of winning and run out of steam to continue the fight. • Parties grudgingly accept the need for compromise or collaboration. • Face-saving becomes important, as in the chess match between Fischer and Spassky. Stages of Conflict • • • • If reached, Act III brings some measure of closure. The parties in conflict move toward settlement. The conflict de-escalates. In the best cases, the parties begin to talk to each other again and discard their stereotypes of the other. • They brainstorm to find ways to build momentum. • They look for a bigger goal to which both can commit and become more flexible on means to achieve the goal. Role of Power in Conflict This figure presents the five sources of power, according to French and Raven. Reward Power • Ability to give or withhold benefits (e.g. money, promotion, attention, recognition, services, or other benefits) • Potential to increase or decrease attractiveness, depending on whether rewards are given or withheld Legitimate Power • Power that derives from formal position, accepted authority, or status in network (e.g., police, judges, priests, teachers, government ministers, CEOs, and managers) • “Rightful” power that is voluntarily granted in exchange for perceived benefits • Restrictions on scope of power, which typically appear in job description or mandate of organization • Decreases in attractiveness of party who uses it outside of assigned areas of responsibility (e.g., abuses of power) Referent Power • Refers to personal attractiveness of party to other people • Usually implies similarity in beliefs, attitudes, and values • Carries possibility for “halo” effect to occur, where party with strong referent power can exercise influence in more than one area (sometimes outside range of acknowledged expertise such as athletes who promote cereals or celebrities who endorse activist causes) Expert or Information Power • Comes from access to specialized knowledge or information (e.g., doctors, lawyers, psychologists, teachers, carpenters, structural engineers, accountants, media personalities such as Dr. Phil) • Often expands beyond scope of expert knowledge if person also holds referent power. • Sometimes implies ability to control access to—or release of—information, as in case of secretary who acts as gatekeeper of information. Coercive Power • Ability to make demands, issue threats, or punish those who don’t accept ideas or positions (e.g., exercising control over money, job, terms of relationship, right to voice concerns, or other matter) • Strength and effectiveness reliant on whether the other party can avoid or escape penalties or punishment (i.e., access to other options with the same benefits) • Decreased attractiveness of party who uses coercive power Protesting Coercive Power: “Wall of Moms,” Portland, Oregon Protesting Coercive Power: Wall of “Dads” Protecting the “Moms” Protesting Coercive Power: Wall of Veterans Protecting “Moms” & “Dads” Coping Styles • Competing – aiming to win at the expense of the other • Accommodating – giving in, even in situations where you disagree • Avoiding – refusing to deal with a conflict Coping Styles • Compromising – meeting in the middle or splitting the difference • Collaborating – looking for an agreement that will meet the needs of—and satisfy—both or all parties to a conflict Coping styles vary over time and in different situations. Outcomes of Conflict • Functional conflict – disagreements with productive or beneficial outcomes, characterized by a supportive and empathic communication climate • Dysfunctional conflict – disagreements with unproductive or destructive outcomes, characterized by tension, stress, hostility, and distrust Obstacles to Resolving Conflicts • Lack of motivation on the part of one or both parties o E.g., “Whatever, do what you like. I don’t care.” • Incomplete or insufficient information o E.g., “The statistics I’ve seen look different from those you are citing.” • Emotional reactions that block resolution o E.g., “We will both go down the rat hole but I am going to make sure that you go down first and a little bit further than I.” Developing a Civil Workplace • Civility – a respectful awareness of others o Courteous behavior o Politeness o Kindness o Treating people with dignity Behaviours Associated with Incivility • Being rude or insensitive in words and actions • Joking at the expense of others • Putting down another person or group • Gossiping • Posting inappropriate pictures or sending inappropriate emails • Yelling or speaking in a loud voice • Telling crude jokes • Bullying or harassing others • Assaulting or committing an act of violence against the person or property of an individual Costs of an Uncivil Workplace • Costs to the organization: o Less motivated employees o Increased absenteeism o Frequent turnover o Lower productivity o A defensive and negative work climate • Costs to the individual: o Upsetting confrontations o Reduced job satisfaction o Threats to self-concept and career o Burnout, stress, and related health issues Creating a Civil Work Climate • Jack Gibb published a classic article in the Journal of Communication (1961) that identified the contrasting characteristics of defensive and supportive communication. • Defensive communication occurs when people perceive a threat to their emotional well-being; it creates a negative work climate. • Supportive communication reduces defensiveness and demonstrates respect for the feelings of the other person; it creates a positive work climate. • The term climate refers the emotional tone of a relationship or interaction. The Gibb Categories Evaluation vs Description • Evaluation – statements that imply judgments o “You’re not taking any responsibility,” “You should have been paying more attention,” or “I approve.” o Even a positive statement can imply the person knows more than you know. Evaluation vs Description • Description – statements that use “I” rather than “you” language and focus on facts: o “This report does not include current statistics” or “I wish you had included more current figures” instead of “This report is really bad.” Control vs Problem Orientation • Control – attempts to impose point of view on another, with emphasis on being right o “If you want to go in that direction on this project, you can do it on your own. I’m not putting my name on it.” Control vs Problem Orientation • Problem orientation – invites collaboration and focuses on finding solutions that will satisfy both or all parties o “Let’s talk it over. I’m sure we can find an approach that works for both of us.” Strategy vs Spontaneity • Strategy – communicating with underlying and often manipulative purpose o “What are you doing after work?” (you intend to ask a favour) or “Only women argue about who pays the bill” (you embarrass a female friend into offering to pay the bill). Strategy vs Spontaneity • Spontaneity – communicating openly and honestly o “Can you help me with that paper I’ve got to finish?” or “I don’t have much money with me. Can I pay the tip next time?” Neutrality vs Empathy • Neutrality – appearing indifferent, as if you don’t care about the topic—or by extension, the person o “May as well get over it. We all have problems.” “I don’t really care what we do. It’s your decision.” Neutrality vs Empathy • Empathy – showing concern for the ideas and feelings of other person o “I understand how upset you must feel. It sounds as if you are really worried about the cutbacks.” Empathy (Feeling with the Other) Source: Political ad, Facebook, US Election, 2020 Superiority vs Equality • Superiority – communicating in a way that implies you are more intelligent, experienced, or capable than the other o “Yeah well, you’ll see, I believed the same way before I became manager.” Or “You’ll understand once you have children.” Superiority vs Equality • Equality – communicating in way that treats the person as an equal o “I had a different experience, but that doesn’t mean it will be the same for you.” “Have things changed for you now that you’re in management? They did for me.” Certainty vs Provisionalism • Certainty – statements that imply there is only one correct approach or answer o “This is what you need to do.” Certainty vs Provisionalism • Provisionalism – statements that imply flexibility and openness to alternative approaches o “It is possible that . . .” “In all likelihood, . . .” “One way to approach the problem is . . .” Using the Awareness Wheel to Manage our Conflicts The Awareness Wheel • Developed by Sherod Miller and often used in workplace and family mediations • Asks questions pertaining to “I sense,” “I think,” “I feel,” “I want,” and “I do.” • Allows clients to see perspective of other person in respectful way • Gets at specific needs and wants • Encourages flexibility • Allows parties in conflict to pursue multiple perspectives for solutions Five Steps in the Awareness Wheel (1) What do you sense? See and hear? (2) What do you think? That is, what meaning does it hold for you? (3) How do you feel about it? (4) What do you want from the situation? (5) What are you willing to do at the present time or in the future? Step One: Lost Promotion • I sense: o Visual sense – Letter announcing negative decision ▪ E.g., “I received the letter of rejection” o Auditory sense – Voice mail indicating promotion not approved ▪ E.g., “I heard your voice mail.” Steps 2 & 3: Lost Promotion • I think: o “Based on my past evaluations, I thought I would receive the promotion.” • I feel: o “I feel very disappointed. I was counting on the promotion.” Example: Lost Promotion • I want: o “I want to understand why I did not receive the promotion and what I need to improve in order to do better the next time.” • I do: o “I will do my best to incorporate your suggestions into my personal action plan for next year.” Tips for Managing Conflict • Get more information. • Ask questions if you think you have misunderstood something the person said or did. • Get your emotions under control. • Make sure you understand what you are sensing, thinking, and feeling. • Know what you want—your bottom line. • Deal with conflict. • Avoid overly aggressive behaviours. Tips for Managing Conflict (cont.) • Listen to others with an open mind. • Bring hidden conflicts into the open. • Use language that creates a supportive communication climate. • Work towards building trust. • Be mindful of cultural differences. • Be aware of gender dynamics. • Be aware of power dynamics. • Avoid bullying others and report all instances of bullying in the workplace. #1: Watch the following video. It is probably the most important video you will watch in this course because it gives the key to living a satisfying, happy life. And it is based on a decades-long study; so there is great validity to the conclusions. After viewing the video, I would like you to comment on whether your goals in life are the same as the ones identified by 80% of the millennials in Waldinger’s study. If not, how do they differ? Explain your response. What makes a good life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness | Robert Waldinger - Bing video #2: View the following video on ghosting. Then respond to the questions below: Have you ever been ghosted or have you ever ghosted someone else? If you have been ghosted how did it make you feel? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K3UkrglptqE&ab_channel=Psych2Go #3 : Go to the following link for information on how channels make a difference in interpersonal communication. Then without revealing names or confidential information, comment on your personal knowledge of the most common channels used by you and/or your peers to end relationships. [A few sentences of description are sufficient.] https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2314241/He-dumped-Post-It-YoungAmericans-obsessed-break-happened-why.html #4 : Go to the university library website. Search for the online version of “Notes for a Film about Donna and Gail.” After watching the video, give one example of a conversation or action that illustrates each of the following stages of coming together in relationships: initiating, experimenting, intensifying, integrating, and bonding. Then give one example (a conversation or action in the film) that illustrates the stages of coming apart in relationships: differentiating, circumscribing, stagnating, avoiding, and terminating. Limit your examples to one sentence each. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysYYxkUVLJc&ab_channel=PrinceEa #5 : Watch the first 11 minutes of the video and participate in the experiment with Dr. Daniel Pink. What did you learn from the exercise? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izkEQ3IKIMM #6: View this video on mirroring. After watching the video, try mirroring the posture, facial expressions, and gestures of another person. If you are not comfortable doing the exercise with a family member or friend, try mirroring the behaviour of some TV personality or character. Then describe how you felt when you mirrored the other person. Did you feel different? Did you have a better sense of what the other person was feeling or experiencing? Describe in several sentences what you felt. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rqhSWI4-hnA #7 : Complete the following test. On which kinds of intelligence did you score the highest? Did you learn anything new? https://www.jobbank.gc.ca/intelligence #8 : Imagine a good friend wins the lottery. Relying on French’s and Raven’s research into sources of power (reward power, coercive power, legitimate power, referent power, and expert power), generate five one-sentence arguments to persuade your friend to share some of the lottery earnings with you. #9 : Pretend that your roommate is late in paying his or her share of the rent that was due last week. Write one sentence for each of the five steps: What do you sense? What do you think? What do you feel? What do you want? What will you do? Refer to the example of the lost promotion to guide your responses.
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