This is the critque from the professor:
I evaluate draft 3.1 not on grammar, typos, or even awkward phrasing, although I may list that in your individual draft feedback in the main menu in the interactive web. What I’m looking for is a clear statement of the “stakeholders” that you find in your current issue. In many cases, this will be politicians and political parties, but in some cases it is simply those who benefit from the crisis and to some degree support it, and those who do not benefit and are opposing, or at least oppose measures that might relieve the crisis. So we’re talking about “interest groups” that compete with each other and are either causing the crisis or mitigating it. Remember that you are not supposed to argue, but are supposed to present well researched analysis of all sides. I may have highlighted or commented on your text, so be sure to look at it in Blackboard.
The most important sentence is your first sentence, and the most important paragraph is your first paragraph. You want to avoid what I call “fluff” in that first sentence, which is a general, philosophical, open-ended comment that neither startles the reader nor provides the reader new information. You want to make the reader think that he or she is going to read something unusual and informing in the rest of the document, and a weak first sentence in a weak first paragraph doesn’t do that. In addition, you want to tell the reader “what/why,” or what it is you’re going to be writing about and why you are writing it. There is absolutely no need to tell your college-educated reader that abortion is when a woman decides to terminate her pregnancy. He should take that sentence out, and I see no reason to include the second sentence either. You should start with the third sentence, but provide some dramatic data that indicates how many abortions are performed each year. The number is quite high and would certainly generate the interest of the reader. In any case, it's wrong to say "some people feel that abortion should be made legal," and should be phrased "a majority of Americans believe that abortion should continue to be legal." Then provide that statistic. You make the claim that "the majority of Americans feel that life is sacred and that people should not be granted the right to abort, but from everything I read that simply not true. Research that statement.
I’m not even sure that you can say that Donald Trump believes that "abortion should be banned completely," depending upon what you mean by "completely." My understanding is that Trump would accept abortion in the cases of rape and incest, so that's not "completely." Again, research what it is you're saying, and don't simply speculate. I don't think Jelen is saying what you think he is saying. Be sure that you quote these very controversial statements so I can check the sources. The polls that I have read say that a majority of Americans in the majority of American women support the right to an abortion. If you have contrary information, you need to quote it so the reader can check your sources.
For this class, I strongly encourage students to use quotations and not summary or paraphrase when they use sourced research. Quotations are much more easily tracked down and validated than is summary or paraphrase. Later on in your academic career, your teachers will want you to use intelligent summary and paraphrase, but for this class I would much prefer quotations.
I hope what you don't carry over into your draft 3.2 are these speculations you are making about what people believe. You really can make decisions about what politicians are doing or what "most women" believe unless you provide specific quotations and specific data from research material. When I look at that Jelen work cited entry, I see something called "U. A.: Praeger, 2015," and I wonder what that is. Your works cited does not correctly identify this article: if it is a print publication, then you have to identify the publisher, the publisher city, and you don't make clear what the real publisher is.
Also you say "the church is strongly opposed to abortion," but you don't say which church. There are Christian denominations that are not opposed to abortion. So this is a problem, you are making statements that I cannot check your sources for and in many cases are simply speculations. I hope you improve this process in your draft 3.2. It is very important that your teacher can find the sources that you have named in check the information you are deriving from them. Much of what you say in this draft does not jibe with my understanding of recent polls and trends. I strongly suggest that you use reliable research from our university library database, academic search complete or other databases, so that I can check how your information fits your sources.
Requirements for 3.2. Below I attached 3.1 add 400 words and revise according to teachers reccomendations.
|Works Cited||5 Items Required, MLA|
|Due||Tue, March 28|
|Turned in where?||Blackboard and Interactive Web|
For Draft 3.2 revise parts of Draft 3.1 that I have recommended and (maybe) your peers have suggested, include 5 citations in MLA Works Cited format, and increase to 800 words. You may use 3 Works Cited items from your previous essay cycles, but the information and quotations you employ in your text should be new.
Draft 3.1 was a "brainstorming draft", but Draft 3.2 is "structuring draft". You will be revising portions of your Draft 3.1 and increasing it to 800 words for your Draft 3.2. Your 800 words should include what I call a "Points and Particulars" structure. You should present at least three or four major points, and each Point should be supported by at least one Particular. The Points should be the main ideas, and the Particulars should be the quotes, data, statistics, or facts that back up each idea.