Problem Solving Assignment
I have the tendency to go out on dates with guys and when they ask me to be their
girlfriend, to some, I say yes. But, the issue is that I get bored of them really fast. I lose interest
once a romantic relationship status of some sort is brought to our relationship. This results in me
not wanting to talk to them anymore because I feel like I don’t want them anymore. Another
factor is that I don’t feel bad about it. I’m not sure whether it’s the status of my relationship with
them that causes this or the fact that I could have commitment issues. Growing up, my parents
separated so that could also be a reason to why I can’t seem to stay in any romantic relationship.
I would like to find the root of my problem and learn to hold onto relationships. I feel that I have
commitment issues with many things in my life. This could be one of them. I want to know why
I can't be happy in a relationship for longer than a week or two. What is causing my unhappiness
with another person?
A cognitive theorist would classify this issue as me being dismissive-avoidant. In other
words, I am independent because I feel I don’t need close relationships. This is avoiding the
attachment that I should get in a romantic relationship. People with this style of attachment
believe they’re invulnerable to the feeling of love in an intimate relationship. When a
relationship is formed without help from a therapist, a person with this type of issue might lash
out and will end the relationship. It’s deeper than just not wanting to get close or allowing
someone in my thoughts. It’s grounded in me being unable to trust other people. To treat this, a
therapist would start by finding the root to the problem and over time have me talk about
personal subjects in my life. It takes time for trust to form so it will take a long time to slowly
talk about the secrets of my life starting with the unimportant ones. But when I do, I’ll feel more
connected to my partner and will be able to form a strong bond. This will almost prevent me
from finding all the defects in them and making an excuse to break up. The cognitive dissonance
theory is also a factor of my not wanting a long-term relationship (behavior) and my knowledge
of it (cognition). In simpler terms, I have a fixation that if I don’t break up first I will end up
getting heartbroken in the end. So I keep distance and force my behavior of being “bored” for
protection so I can feel secure. According to the Cognitive Dissonance Theory, I tend to find new
beliefs and add that towards my behavior so I can keep a consistent balance of harmony with the
way I am and not have a disharmony. Cognitive psychologists would suggest cognitive therapy
to help change the way I think by altering my beliefs but still keeping my harmony. In the
therapy session, the therapist would work with me to find out where my imbalance lies to work
on eliminating every belief that comes with it. They would work on how I view other people and
why I feel a reason to have distrust or any uncertainty that the relationship will last. This would
help because I won’t get the feeling of boredom in the relationship that I inevitably feel in each
one. Breaking that barrier will allow me to feel an actual connection to my partner and not
always be on edge so I can’t enjoy myself or their company. Having a tighter connection also
means that I will feel bad if I break up with them, eliminating that feeling of not caring. It allows
the prevention of me "jumping the gun" and breaking up over the silly feeling of boredom that
manifested itself through my previous beliefs.
A psychoanalytic theorist would say that the event of my dad’s absence in my childhood
and my mom not remarrying was a traumatic event that shaped my adulthood today. They would
say I’m not fully aware (unconscious) of my fear of commitment, otherwise known as
Gamophobia. The theorist would also point out that the fear I possess was derived from
witnessing some failed relationships in my family as a child. It was all about how I was brought
up and how intimacy looked or didn't look that shaped how I am to this day. This being said, I’m
scared to form or develop intimate relationships because of the fear that it would be like my
parents. So my unconscious is putting these thoughts in my head of not wanting to be in a
relationship. They would go about this with me attending psychodynamic counseling to find the
root of this problem. Insight from my childhood will help them find a way to alleviate the stress
it’s impending on me. Relieving the stress will help me find reasoning and understanding to
move on to find release. The therapist will be able to help me not associate my parent's
relationship with my own so I can form new and healthy ones. With the therapist, overtime,
eliminating my fear of being in a romantic relationship I can be happy. I won’t be scared of
being someone's girlfriend. It will allow me to have peace and harmony in my relationship
without facing the thoughts of it not lasting.
In this article, the researchers proposed that the presence of self-efficacy in relationships
directly affects the satisfaction in a romantic relationship. People with exceedingly high levels of
self-efficacy have high proficiency in openness, positivity, assurance, networking, and task
fulfilling (maintenance behaviors). Maintenance behaviors in its entirety a list of what is needed
for a healthy relationship with an individual person. The study seeks to find the answer to
whether or not relationship maintenance moderates the association of self-efficacy and
relationship satisfaction. They created an online survey in which 187 people, that are currently in
relationships replied. They found that maintaining a relationship does moderate the relationship
between self-efficacy and satisfaction in the relationship. This means the more competent of
relationship the person believes they are, the more maintenance they perform. Since I have an
unconscious fear of commitment, I don’t believe that the relationships I’m in will last, thus
leading me to behave in such a way. However, if I learn to be more competent in my
relationship, according to the article, I can improve the satisfaction of my relationship. Being
satisfied with my relationship will make allow me to access the feeling of joy that I crave. This
research data tells me that in order to have the satisfying relationship that I want, I must first
work on self-efficacy.
Weiser, Dana A., and Daniel J. Weigel. “Self-Efficacy in Romantic Relationships: Direct and Indirect
Effects on Relationship Maintenance and Satisfaction.” Personality and Individual Differences,
Pergamon, 22 Oct. 2015,
Materialism Is Causing Us Too Feel Inadequate
In the United States and indeed in many cultures and countries around the world
individuals are acquiring material items in excess to try and achieve happiness. This is otherwise
known as materialism. This is causing us to feel unfulfilled in our lives. We are so focused on the
material goals that are extrinsic that we are taking our attention away from the intrinsic values
that will bring us actual happiness. This is hurting our society as a whole because we are
teaching our children and generations to come that acquiring goods is the value of success and
will bring them happiness rather than the intrinsic value of self-actualization. We can see
evidence of this in many psychological perspectives. However, the two most apparent are a cross
cultural perspective and a humanistic perspective. Both of these teach us to look inward at
intrinsic values rather than at extrinsic short-term material gains.
Excessive materialism is seen not only here but in many places in the world. Through
looking at these other countries we can see that this is a very large issue, with many complex
fascists. Through looking at this in a cross-cultural lens we can also acquire many new solutions.
For example, in a study done in China and Great Britain, researchers found that a materialist
approach in education had a direct link to lower test scores and lower exam scores. (To Have or
to Learn? The Effects of Materialism on British and Chinese Children’s Learning). This shows
us that by having this extrinsic emphasis on material goods students are receiving lower test
scores. Furthermore, it shows us that not only does this problem exist, it is becoming a global
problem. This problem of materialism is more urgent than ever. This study also gives us a
solution that we can replicate here in the United States. Schools can use more of an intrinsic
approach in our educational institutions rather than focusing just on children achieving at the
highest level to get the highest GPA or test score which we hope correlates to the highest paying
job’s which will only get them happiness on an extrinsic level and value based on their financial
status.
The cross-cultural perspective would also tell us to look at those countries that are taking
the steps that we are not and achieving the results that we may not be achieving here in the
United States. This is in an effort to model these countries steps to success and replicate them
here. For example, one country doing well is Norway. Norway has been voted the happiest
country in the world for 2017(world happiness report 2017). Norway for example scored very
highly in intrinsic value areas such as caring, generosity, honesty, health and good government.
Since these are intrinsic values rather than materialistic wants, or extrinsic values, they
encourage individuals to work on themselves and look inward rather than collecting materialistic
or extrinsic items to signal success. Therefore, a solution would be to find what steps Norway
took to focus on these intrinsic values in order to replicate those steps here in the United States.
One other approach would be to look at this from a humanistic perspective. The humanistic
approach would tell us to look inward at ourselves to find the motivation behind materialism and
Maslow might tell us to focus on achieving actualization. This would mean that once the basic
needs of food, water, shelter and clothing were met we should not need materialism in excess. In
fact, looking for these extrinsic values would take away from achieving self-actualization. This
could hurt us in the long term. An example of this is A Meta-Analysis from “The Relationship
Between Materialism and personal well-Being” States”:
“(Belk 1984; Richins & Dawson, 1992) and psychologist (Kasser & Ryan, 1993) began to
explore empirically whether well-being is negatively associated with a strong focus on
materialistic aims. These early studies found that U.S. respondents report less happiness and
life satisfaction, lower levels of vitality and self-actualization and more depression, anxiety
and general psychopathology to the extent that they believe that the acquisition of money
and possessions is more important and the key to happiness and success”
This is explaining that when we look at materialism from the humanistic perspective we can
see that valuing people based on their financial success, which is an extrinsic value, fails them in
the long term. This can often make individuals feel as the Meta-Analysis states “depressed”.
They might have higher anxiety levels or even feel a lower level of life satisfaction. All these are
examples of how using extrinsic materialistic values are making us feel inadequate. By looking
inward at our intrinsic values in order to find self-actualization we may be able to find more
happiness and success. Maslow would tell us to look inward to find self-actualization within
ourselves, rather than looking out at extrinsic wants that distract from our intrinsic needs that will
actually bring us happiness.
I believe that individuals in the United States simply acquiring more material goods as a
form of achieving success, is guiding us further away from finding actual happiness within
ourselves. These extrinsic wants are furthering us from finding self-actualization. Clearly, we
can see that the solution is education in schools for children about what real happiness is and
finding these intrinsic values. Furthermore, we must look more at countries that are successful in
educating their citizens on intrinsic values and what they are doing to educate their population on
intrinsic needs vs extrinsic wants.
Bibliography
The relationship between materialism and personal well-being: A meta-analysis.
Dittmar, H., Bond, R., Hurst, M., & Kasser, T. (2014). The relationship between
materialism and personal well-being: A meta-analysis. Journal Of Personality And Social
Psychology, 107(5), 879-924. doi:10.1037/a0037409
Helliwel, J., Layard, R., & Sachs, J. (2017). New York, Sustainable Development Solutions
Network. Retrieved from http://worldhappiness.report/ed/2017/
Ku, Lisbeth, et al. "To Have or to Learn? The Effects of Materialism on British and Chinese
Children’s Learning." Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, vol. 106, no. 5, May 2014,
pp. 803-821. EBSCOhost,
doi:10.1037/a0036038.http://web.b.ebscohost.com/ehost/pdfviewer/pdfviewer?vid=10&sid=c66
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Hockenbury, sandra E., Susan A. Nolan, and Don H. Hockenbury. Psychology. seventh ed., vol.
7, New York, Worth Publishers, 8 vols.
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