Final Draft

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I will reattach my copy that I put the critical reaction on. These are his comments.

You've done a good job of taking inspiration from Kafka while producing your own creative narrative. The image of the dead mother following this young man is very compelling. To push this to the next level, let's consider a few things:

1. Setting: Let's try to use some sensory language to help the audience see/hear/feel and experience the fictional world you are creating. Try using sights, sounds, smells, and other physical feelings to help the audience enter this world with your character. You have a good start on this, but a few more brush strokes will really help this world come to life.

2. Characteriztion: let's try to give the characters (especially the parents) some unique details that help them come to life on the page. What did they look and sound like? Dialogue can help alot with characterization.

3. Structure: the story has a very long flash back in the middle. This is important information, but perhaps you could try to break it up into smaller chunks, interspersing the flashbacks into the narrative to provide more balance to the past/present.

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Amanda Depew The Ferguson House Riley’s birthday was approaching and he couldn’t keep his excitement in check. It was his eighteenth birthday. He was finally a legally recognized adult as he liked to call it. He was going to throw the biggest birthday party of his life. The birthday everyone was going to talk about for years or decades to come. He would finally get to officially ask Alyssa to be his girlfriend. The thought of getting her to be his ran cold shivers down his back. She was tall, beautiful, awesome, sexy, and adventurous and way, way out of his league. However, he didn’t let this stop him from confessing his love to her. Riley had been in love with Alyssa since Kindergarten. Every time he saw her, a fondness would settle in his heart and butterflies would fill his stomach. She was the perfect picture of a beautiful lady. Although the two had been friends for a very long time, Riley had kept his feelings for Alyssa to himself. He never let anyone know except his mother who would never let him live his life in peace. Mrs. Ferguson was like a bad smell to her son, she was always there, putting her nose where they didn’t belong. She always managed to find out what Riley was thinking about before Riley was done thinking about it. You could say she was creepy. She always followed him around, to the woods when he went to hang out with his friends. Right in the middle of smoking a joint, Riley would turn around and find his mother behind a tree peeping and watching never saying anything. She just liked to watch maybe out of curiosity or for some other reason known to her. But for whatever reason she never said anything to her son about all his extra curriculum activities regardless of what Riley did. Although it was creepy at first, Riley learnt to accept and live with it. He always pretended like he never saw her even after they made eye contact. When Riley had his first kiss with Monica, the tall and not so beautiful blonde, Riley opened his eyes only to find his mother hiding behind a tree peeking. Fortunately, Monica didn’t see her. And for that, he had to break it off with her because he couldn’t take the embarrassment of having anyone find out about the affair with Monica and make him the laughing stalk of the school. Although he probably knew she wouldn’t say anything he couldn’t have his mother carry around such a bombshell against him. It wasn’t just any other girl he was making out with, it was Monica; the unwashed. Monica was tall yes, but extra tall for her age. Although she was blonde, she didn’t have the sweet and lovable aspect of a blonde, her hair was unkempt and she held it at the back of her head in a shaggy manner. It was kind of bushy and a turn off to many boys. Her nose was extraordinarily long and she smelled like an old man. Maybe she used her old man’s deodorant; but that wasn’t for Riley to find out. All he wanted was to practice kissing with Monica to perfect his art of kissing to avoid disappointing Alyssa when the moment finally came. Although her breath stunk, it was price he was willing to pay if it meant he would finally have the goddess of his life. “Hey Riley, group discussion tonight at my house right,” the voice made Riley’s heart skip. The face was bright as sunshine and cut deeply through Riley’s heart. It was Alyssa, the lovely and extremely attractive Alyssa, the girl of his dreams. She smiled revealing her perfect, neatly arranged, and extra white teeth. Her smile weakened Riley’s heart and made him feel weak and vulnerable. She looked extra beautiful today. But maybe this was just Riley falling deeper and deeper in love with her. “Sure Alyssa. I will see you at 8:00pm.” Said Riley as his heartbeat began to race. The thought of seeing Alyssa in her sexy pajamas scared him. He was so madly in love with her and every time he spent some time alone with her, the deeper and deeper he fell for her. It was like she cast a spell on him that was controlling his actions. As he started imagining how his visit to Alyssa’s house would go, the thought dawned on him. She would be watching them. Hanging around the house, hiding behind a creepy tree, wherever place she chose, it just turned out to be creepy. It was always her intentions to let her son know that she was watching him. Her pale face was starting to give Riley the goose bumps he felt every time he sat close to Alyssa. Was it love or was he scared of both women. What was it that scared him about his creepy mother? What was it that scared him about Alyssa? Or maybe he just loved them dearly. He couldn’t figure out what he really felt for either of the two but what he was certain of was that the two had the ability to elicit similar feelings in him. He peeked outside the window and for once she wasn’t there. She wasn’t there staring and watching him. He looked at every side of the compound within his view but he couldn’t see her. She was gone. She was gone for good. She had finally decided to leave him alone. Just as he was about to burst into a wild laughter for finally getting his freedom back, a white clothing appeared behind a distant tree. There she was standing behind a tree with her white dress appearing from the sides of the tree. It was like she was intentionally hiding her face. It was like she didn’t want her son to see her face. “What game is she playing?” Riley wondered. He felt overwhelmed by her presence. It was becoming too much for him to handle. He couldn’t have her follow him around for the rest of his life. This was against all the laws of nature considering that what is dead is meant to stay dead. Riley remembered the first time his mother had appeared in her current state. It was approximately fourteen years ago. His father had only told him about her death and he was devastated considering that he used to spend most of his time with his mother. He remembered her complaining that she was unwell the previous night but she had assured him that there was nothing to worry about. She had told him that everything would be okay come the following morning. When Riley woke up, he found their house packed to capacity. People were wearing sad faces and others were crying, including Grandma Rose. They all seemed to be very sad. Then his father emerged from behind their bedroom doors soaked wet in tears. “I am so sorry Riley; there was nothing I could have done about the situation.” He paused for a minute and Riley maintained his silence. “It’s your mother, Riley, she is dead.” Those words pierced through Riley’s heart. As his mind drifted further into this horrible experience, tears started filling his eyes. Riley remembered how Linda, his baby sitter spend most of this challenging time consoling Mr. Ferguson. She spent every day in the house, sleeping in his mother’s bedroom where Mr. Ferguson slept as well. It was disgusting to watch the crocodile tears roll down Mr. Ferguson’s eyes as he gave a breath taking and heartbreaking farewell to his beautiful mother. It was unbelievable. He recalled how in her last days his mother cried every night about Mr. Ferguson’s habits. Mr. Ferguson had stopped coming to the house and Riley would go for days without seeing Mr. Ferguson. He would hold and hug his mother every time he saw her crying. These missing nights and weeks only managed to bring Riley and his mother closer. His mother found the consolation she so much sought from spending more time with Riley. He was always there for his mother when she needed him. When she wanted a hug, he gave her a kiss, when she wanted someone to spend some time with, he gave her a hug. They had this unbreakable bond that was beyond any other bond that ever existed. Many are the times, Mrs. Ferguson would whisper in Riley’s ear “at least you will never leave me.” this statement brings tears to Riley’s eyes when he thinks about it. She never wanted him to leave her but she decided to leave him…. But the good thing was she came back for him. She came back only to be with him and him alone. Six months after the death of his mother, Mr. Ferguson finally tied the knot with the nanny. Although Riley was invited to the ceremony he opted not to go. He couldn’t stand the thought of another woman eternally bound to his mother’s husband. It was an abomination if you asked him. On the night after their wedding, the couple seemed very happy; they spent most of the day in their bedroom doing God knows what. However, when Riley saw his mother that day, she was very upset. She moved around restless and didn’t seem to notice Riley all day and night. At the time of their marriage, the nanny was four months pregnant, hence the rushed wedding. On the night of their wedding, was when things started to go wrong. Riley could feel that something was different especially with his mother. She was angry and restless. At around seven in the evening, hell started breaking loose in the Ferguson house. The wind was hauling strongly, making sounds that mimicked a crying baby. The trees next to the house clattered against the windows. The wind was getting stronger and the clacking of the tree branches on the widows and the roof of the house was getting worse. An owl started to howl in the nearby bushes. The house sounded evil and scaring. But neither Mr. Ferguson nor the new Mrs. Ferguson seemed to take notice of any of these events. At around midnight, the temperature dropped below freezing point in Mr. Ferguson’s house but neither Mr. Ferguson nor the baby nanny noticed this either. It felt as though the entire house was going to freeze down. Riley culled in his bedroom fully covered in his tiny blanket not wanting to see what was actually going on around the House. When the clock hit 12:00am at midnight, hell loosened in the house. The owl came to Riley’s window and continued to howl out there. The tree branches next to his room started clacking faster. Then the door to the house creaked open. Footsteps followed in and started heading upstairs were the bedrooms were, in a small rhythmical manner. The footsteps sounded familiar, Riley had loved to listen to those footsteps every morning before the death of his mother. They always came with a peck on his forehead followed by the words; “I love you sunshine.” Those words ran through Riley’s mind as the footsteps came closer. However, instead of coming to his room, the footsteps advanced to Mr. Ferguson’s bedroom. The footsteps took ages walking, heading towards Mr. Ferguson’s house. Finally, the footsteps stopped and Riley could hear Mr. Ferguson’s bedroom creak open and then closed from behind. The wind started to blow faster and in a wilder manner as the owls continued to sing the chorus to the rhythm created by the wind. Then everything stopped, the wind, the owls, and the footsteps all came to a sudden stop. As Riley was trying to comprehend what happened, he heard a sharp scream originating from Mr. Ferguson’s bedroom. He rushed in only to find blood spilt everywhere; on the bed and the floor and the baby nanny seated at the edge of the bed covered in her own blood and terrified. Mr. Ferguson was deeply asleep and seemed to be unaware of what happened. Riley then came to find out that the nanny had suffered a miscarriage. They couldn’t figure out why or how this happened since the doctor had said the previous day that everything was very much okay and that the baby was okay. “How could it happen?” The nanny was rushed to the hospital and was discharged after two days admission at the local hospital. She looked weak and thin. Her once beautiful face looked ugly and old actually older than the first Mrs. Ferguson. She walked in a slow motion with the help of a walking stick and the help of the husband as well. She kind of looked fragile. She passed by Riley and didn’t say a word. She didn’t even lift her head to look at him. It was like he didn’t exist to her or she was terrified of looking at him. Mr. Ferguson walked her straight to their bedroom with just a simple nod to Riley who responded by shrugging his shoulders. This day seemed calmer than the night of the wedding when hell had broken loose for the first time and the devil had walked among the Fergusons claiming the last alleged Ferguson’s member. Not that he was inhuman or anything, but Riley didn’t feel any remorse for the nanny or Mr. Ferguson. A small voice in his mind kept saying that they had it coming. I mean after everything who wouldn’t think that they were equally to blame for their misfortunes. Two days after the accident on the wedding night, a fierce fire swept across the compound and destroyed everything that the family owned, the cars, the houses, the garage, everything. There was nothing left that could be associated with the Ferguson’s except the walls that represented what was left of the Ferguson house after the fire brigade put out the fire. Riley was at Alyssa’s place when it happened. Nobody knows what happened or what caused the fire. All the police said was “it might have been a gas leak.” But Riley knew this wasn’t the case. It had everything to do with the events that had taken place in the house after the new Ferguson couple tied their knot. It had something to do with his extremely angered mother who wasn’t noticing Riley anymore but was helplessly roaming across the compound, sad and unhappy. This incident was worse than the previous one. This time round, the accident didn’t just claim the life of an infant but also claimed the life of the baby nanny and Mr. Fergusson. As Riley watched the ambulance carry away what was left of the last Ferguson’s, he couldn’t help it but feel alone and empty. His mother changed ever since and all she did now was to follow Riley around. After the accident his mother wasn’t either loving or amazing as she was the first time she came back to Riley. All she did now was follow Riley around. Riley didn’t know what the future held for him. Riley snapped from these horrible memories when the school bell rang marking the end of school and reminding Riley that he had a hot, blue-eyed; blonde he needed to win over. As Riley walked home from school to go prepare in order to go see Alyssa later on, he felt an urge to pass by the old Ferguson house and have a glimpse of what had become of it. The fire had consumed most parts of the building and with only few remnants left standing. The roofing was gone but the walls were still standing. Where the Ferguson house once stood was now covered by green grass that appeared to be alive. Despite the high temperatures of the summer season, the grass and the flowers that emerged from the unkempt grass blossomed. It was a nice view, and very peaceful. It looked as though the house had finally found its peace. Riley recalled a certain spot he used to go to sit with his mother before passing away and coming back. He wanted to go see what had become of the spot and whether there was any sign of the rocking chair that once brought joy to him and his mother. He started walking right across the green grass towards the spot that was some meters away. As he came closer to the spot, his heartbeat started to rise. He felt the same fondness he felt when around Alyssa or his mother. All childhood memories jolted back to his mind. Tears started gashing down his face as he remembered what life had taken away from him. All the good memories he always ignored lashed out like a stream, he started sobbing loudly as he called his mother’s name again. He felt lonely and vulnerable. “Mother, why did you have to leave me?” he started yelling at the top of his voice. “Why wouldn’t you come back normal?” “All you do is scaring me with your creepy stalking, why do you do this to your own son?” “Why mother?” “Why”. The ground shifted and the grass loosened. Riley tried to reach out to hold a nearby branch to maintain his balance but it was too late. He had forgotten about the borehole that once stood a few meters in front of the house. The remnants of the Ferguson House stand at the top of the hill. Nobody dares to go closer to the house. It is used to scare children to behave. The grass still continues to grow and the flowers become more beautiful. It is the most beautiful place in Midnight, Texas but a beauty anyone would never get closer to enjoy. Posts of a missing Riley are still seen on tree trunks and boards. Nobody lived to find out where he went or why he left. His foster parents still have hope of finding poor Riley or his body to put to rest. Critical Reflection of “The Ferguson House” My creative story was inspired by “Metamorphosis” by Franz Kafka. My parody bears some similarity to the original story in regards to supernatural or fiction. I employed the absurdity of life an element I borrowed from the Metamorphosis story. Similar to the original story, my parody explores the absurdity of life. The absurd event in my story is the boy who has his dead mother following him around wherever he goes and never says a word, an event that surpasses the boundaries of natural occurrences. Through creating this story, I want my audience to view the world from the eyes of a four year old boy who losses his mother, the closest parent he ever had, and experience how the death of a loved one can impact a child. To worsen the loss, the boy’s father forgets about his existence and proceeds to marry his mistress and leaves the boy with no other choice than to turn to his dead mother for consolation since she is all he has. The lack of sympathy is another theme I borrowed from the “Metamorphosis”. The boy in this case loses a mother and is left with a father who cares less about him. The step mother doesn’t care about him either another theme I sort to explore in my story. The lack of sympathy among all the characters including the dead mother is an aspect in the society I thought I can use my story to explore. This theme was deeply inspired by the “Metamorphosis” story as I felt that Kafka touched a very important topic in the society that requires further exploration. The loss of a loved one can be devastating more so for child, hence I sort to explore how this affects a child. Further, I examined how marriages and family settings affect children as well. I used numerous techniques to create my story including plot and character development. I used plot development aspects covered in this class to complete my story. At the beginning of the story, Riley is presented as an ordinary boy who is almost turning 18 and is very happy about his transformation. Then I indulged in a series of reflections that drive the story towards the end. I also developed my character from an ordinary kid to a delusional boy who eventually dies in search for his dead mother. Events such as how the boy lost his family drive the story to its climax and ultimate ending. However, in my ending, I deviated from the main story I used to write my parody. Unlike in the Metamorphosis, my story ends with the death of the remaining member of the family and all that is left is the walls and other remnants that depict where the house once stood. I also employed literary devices such as imagery, metaphors, and hyperbole to write my story and drive it towards the end.
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Attached.

Amanda Depew
The Ferguson House
Riley’s birthday was approaching and he couldn’t keep his excitement in check. It was
his eighteenth birthday. He was finally a legally recognized adult as he liked to call it. He was
going to throw the biggest birthday party of his life. The birthday everyone was going to talk
about for years or decades to come. He would finally get to officially ask Alyssa to be his
girlfriend. The thought of getting her to be his ran cold shivers down his back like an electric
current. She was tall, beautiful, awesome, sexy, and adventurous and way, way out of his league.
However, he didn’t let this stop him from confessing his love to her.
Riley was the most popular boy at school with looks that left every girl running after him.
He had tousled light brown hair that was thick as well as lustrous. His eyes were thrilling Deep
Ocean blue, with specks of silvery light that orchestrated ballets throughout. His face was
flawlessly symmetrical, his features casted from granite. His eyebrows were dark that sloped
downwards when he made a serious expression. His childish playful smile had outgrown into a
hard line that extended across his face. He had perfect lips that were ripe for kissing. He had the
type of a voice that stopped girls in their tracks. I guess he got used to the sudden pause he
obtained in a person’s natural expression when they saw him accompanied by overcompensating
with a detached gaze as well as weakly smile. The blush that followed their smiles was a total
give-away. It didn’t even change a thing that he was so modest with it as it made all the girls in
his school fall for him more and more. Despite all the opportunities that opened up, Riley was a
one-woman-young-man who only had eyes for Alyssa. He was handsome on the outside and
beautiful on the inside with a very big heart willing to help anyone who desired his help.
Riley wished his real mother had been there to witness his big day. Riley knew his real
mother would have been so proud of his achievement in life and more so his academic
achievement. Riley was very close with his mother. She always called him her sunshine. She
loved him more than anything else on the face of earth and Riley was certain of this. However,
he couldn’t say the same thing about Mr. Ferguson. He was a drunk who never spend any time
with his family. He stayed out all night drinking and on the days he wasn’t drinking, he would be
spending time with his new catch. Riley recalled how in her last days his mother cried every
night about Mr. Ferguson’s habits. Mr. Ferguson had stopped coming to the house and Riley
would go for days without seeing Mr. Ferguson. Riley would hold and hug his mother every time
he saw her crying. These missing nights and weeks only managed to bring Riley and his mother
closer. His mother found the consolation she so much sought from spending more time with
Riley. He was always there for his mother when she needed him. When she wanted a hug, he
gave her a kiss, when she wanted someone to spend some time with, he gave her a hug. They had
this unbreakable bond that was beyond any other bond that ever existed. Many are the times,
Mrs. Ferguson would whisper in Riley’s ear “at least you will never leave me.” This statement
brings tears to Riley’s eyes when he thinks about it. She never wanted him to leave her but she

decided to leave him…. But the good thing was she came back. She came back only to be with
him and him alone.
The death of his mother had been like a bad omen to him as it resulted in a series of
tragedies that took away everything he knew and ever loved or cared about including the family
house where he had spends his best days with his mother. The tragedies started with the first
blow Mr. Ferguson threw at Riley. Six months after the death of his mother, Mr. Ferguson finally
tied the knot with the nanny. Although Riley was invited to the ceremony he opted not to go. He
couldn’t stand the thought of another woman eternally bound to his mother’s husband. It was an
abomination if you asked him. Riley recalled the fire that had taken the last aspect of normalcy
away from him. ...


Anonymous
Awesome! Made my life easier.

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