This is an A paper ( 94/100) of one of my students from the last semester.
I choose it as a sample because the writer did a great job eliminating all evaluative languages
throughout the paper. He could not receive full points because his introduction and conclusion
could have previewed and summarized his thesis better.
Joe Thornton
Over his 19-year National Hockey League (NHL) career, Joe Thornton has earned $96
million dollars (Campbell, 2016). This season, he is earning $6.9 million dollars (NHL). He
began his professional ice hockey career as a member of the Boston Bruins when the team
selected Thornton first overall in the 1997 NHL Entry Draft. He has played for two different
teams in his career, the aforementioned Boston Bruins for his first 8 seasons and the San Jose
Sharks for the past 11 seasons (ESPN Stats). He was the Sharks’ team captain from 2010 to 2014
and currently is one of the team’s alternate captains (Hockey Reference). Joe Thornton’s first
cousin, Scott Thornton, also played on the San Jose Sharks from 2000-06 (NHL). This season,
Thornton has scored 5 goals and recorded 35 assists, which puts him one assist away from being
the 13th player in the 100-year history of the NHL to hit the 1,000 career assist mark (Pashelka,
2017). At 37 years of age, he is currently 23rd in the NHL’s all-time points category (ESPN
Stats).
On November 30, 2005, Joe Thornton was traded to the San Jose Sharks from the Boston
Bruins for three players (ESPN Stats). As a member of the Sharks, Thornton has played in 897
games and put up 927 points, which place him second all-time in franchise history in both
categories (NHL). The Sharks have made the Stanley Cup Playoffs 10 out of the 11 seasons
since acquiring Thornton. In 2009, the Sharks won the President’s Trophy for having the best
record in the league for the first time in team history (ESPN Stats). Last season, Thornton
registered 21 points in 24 games in the playoffs during the team’s first ever appearance in the
Stanley Cup Final. In his Stanley Cup Playoff career, he has 121 points in 156 games (NHL).
Joe Thornton has been selected to the NHL All-Star game six times in his career (ESPN
Stats). He was selected as an all-star from 2002-04 as a member of the Bruins and again from
2007-09 as a Shark. In 2006, he was named to the NHL’s First Team All-Star and a Second
Team All-Star in 2003, 2008, and 2016 (NHL). He won Gold at the Word Cup of Hockey in
2004 and again in 2017 with Team Canada. In 2017, he was the first player selected to receive
the trophy. He won Olympic Gold twice, first in Turin and most recently in Vancouver (ESPN
Stats).
For eight years during Thornton’s tenure with the Sharks, the team’s Media Relations
Director was Tom Holy (NHL). In an article written by Craig Custance for ESPN, it was said
that Thornton enticed Holy to lose weight by subjecting him to a weight-losing contest with
another employee. Also, Thornton told both men that he would give $2,000 to the winner
(Custance, 2016). A few days later, Thornton and his wife brought egg whites, whole wheat
bread, chicken breasts, and protein powder in order to provide Holy with healthy food to lose
weight (Custance, 2016). Rick Bronwell was an assistant equipment manager for the Sharks
from 2007 to 2010. When the Sharks visited Nashville for a regular season game, Thornton
bought Bronwell an acoustic guitar because he played a few songs on stage at a local bar.
Drew Remenda was television broadcaster for the San Jose Sharks from 1999 to 2006
and again from 2008 to 2014 (NHL). Remenda gave Thornton tickets to a UFC fight in San Jose
because of his friendship with UFC broadcaster Mike Goldberg (Custance, 2016). Thornton
surprised Goldberg and his son at a local steakhouse in San Jose to thank him for the tickets
(Custance, 2016).
Devin Setoguchi was a teammate of Thornton’s for four years from 2007 to 2011.
According to Jeremy Fuchs of Sports Illustrated, Setoguchi tallied 31 goals playing with
Thornton in 2008-09, however once he left the team in 2011, Setoguchi never scored more than
19 goals in a season. David Pollak, a former Sharks’ beat writer for the San Jose Mercury News,
documents Setoguchi’s battle with alcoholism. In that article, Setoguchi also admits to
experiencing depression symptoms and using drugs, including cocaine and Ambien (Pollak,
2016). Thornton, now Setoguchi’s former teammate, contacted him and told Setoguchi to begin
his career again in Switzerland (Dillman, 2016). During the NHL’s work stoppage in 2004-05,
Thornton played for HC Davos, a local hockey club in Switzerland. He connected Setoguch to
his former team as an attempt to give his former teammate and friend a second chance (Dillman,
2016). Now, Setoguchi is currently in the NHL playing for the Los Angeles Kings organization
(Dillman, 2016).
Joe Thornton has finished with the most assists in the league three times in his career
(NHL). Johnathan Cheechoo played on the same line with Joe Thornton on the San Jose Sharks
from 2005-09 (NHL). In 2005, Cheechoo scored 56 goals and won the Rocket Richard Trophy,
which is given to the player who finishes the regular season with the most goals in the league
(ESPN Stats). The next season, he scored 36 goals and the season after that he scored 23 goals
(ESPN Stats). In Cheechoo’s next nine years of professional ice hockey without playing with
Thornton, he never scored more than 12 goals (NHL).
In Joe Thornton’s first season as a San Jose Shark he won the National Hockey League’s
Hart Trophy, which is awarded to the league’s Most Valuable Player (NHL). He became the first
player in NHL history to win that award in the same season he was traded (ESPN Stats). In that
same season, Thornton earned the league’s Art Ross Trophy because he finished with more
points than any player in the league (ESPN Stats). Thornton is the first and only player in
Sharks’ franchise history to win either of those awards. One he retires, he will be the first player
in team history to be eligible for the Hockey Hall of Fame and also to have his number retired by
the team he played for (ESPN Stats).
Reference
Campbell, K. (2016, September 11). Weird, wacky Joe Thornton still looms large. The Hockey
News. Retrieved February 23, 2017, from
http://www.thehockeynews.com/news/article/weird-wacky-joe-thornton-still-looms-large
Custance, C. (2016, May 23). Sharks center Joe Thornton is no ordinary Joe -- on or off the ice.
Retrieved February 23, 2017, from
http://www.espn.com/nhl/story/_/id/15670824/nhl-2016-stanley-cup-playoffs-get-know-s
an-jose-sharks-center-joe-thornton
Dillman, L. (2016, December 19). Joe Thornton paves way for Devin Setoguchi's return.
Retrieved February 23, 2017, from
https://www.nhl.com/news/devin-setoguchi-returned-with-help-from-joe-thornton/c-2848
52198
Farber, M. (2016, June 1). The elephant in the room: The tale of jumbo Joe Thornton. Sports
Illustrated. Retrieved February 23, 2017, from
http://www.si.com/nhl/2016/06/01/stanley-cup-final-san-jose-sharks-joe-thornton-sports-i
llustrated-feature
Pashelka, C. (2017, February 22). The playmaker: Joe Thornton set to join the NHL's elite with
1,000 assists. Mercury News. Retrieved February 23, 2017, from
http://www.mercurynews.com/2017/02/22/the-playmaker-joe-thornton-set-to-join-nhls-el
ite-with-1000-assists/
Pollak, D. (2016, September 7). Devin Setoguchi rises from rock bottom to earn another shot at
the NHL. The Hockey News. Retrieved February 23, 2017, from
http://www.thehockeynews.com/news/article/devin-setoguchi-rises-from-rock-bottom-toearn-another-shot-at-the-nhl
COMM 100W - Writing for Influence
The Fact Paper
In this paper, you will describe a person, object, or event using only empirically verifiable facts.
The objective of the paper is to convince your reader to see the person, object, or event in either a
positive or negative light while ensuring that your paper remains completely free of any evaluative
language. You paper should be 1000 words in length not including endnotes and bibliography.
Instructions
Choose a person, object, or event that you find interesting and that you can readily research. It is
better if you choose a topic about which people already have a strong opinion that differs from your
own. For instance, most people like chocolate ice cream, but perhaps you hate chocolate ice cream.
If so, chocolate ice cream would make a good topic for this paper. After you choose a topic, begin
to compile facts about your topic that will help you to show your topic in either a negative or
positive light. To show chocolate ice cream in a negative light, for instance, you might look for a
medical study that links chocolate ice cream to mad cow disease, or find evidence that an unpopular
person such as Richard Nixon ate chocolate ice cream every day. Likewise, if you find a report
concluding that chocolate ice cream cures pancreatic cancer, it may be wise to omit those findings
from your paper. Either way, you want to provide only empirically verifiable information about
chocolate ice cream. At no point should you disclose to your reader your own opinion of chocolate
or any other kind of ice cream. In other words, persuade us to dislike chocolate ice cream merely by
providing negative information about it that you have strategically organized to maximize
persuasive effect.
Other requirements:
1) Your opening paragraph must be a vivid description of the topic of your paper. If your topic is
algae and you wish to present algae in a positive light, then you could, for instance, write an
engaging description of the life cycle of algae. Keep in mind, though, your opening description
must also be free of any evaluative or opinionated language.
2) The introduction of your paper must include a preview of the paper. Your preview should give
your reader a sense of the main points you will cover about your topic.
3) The body of your paper should deliver on the promises made in your preview, and each section
of the body should begin with a preview of that section. For instance, if you promise in your
introduction that the first section of your paper will provide information about deaths that have
occurred on rides at Disneyland, then the first section of your paper should provide information
about the number of deaths that have occurred on rides at Disneyland. AND, the first sentence of
that section should preview which deaths on which rides will be discussed. AND, the first sentence
of each paragraph should preview the specific deaths or rides discussed in that paragraph. For
instance, the first sentence of your paragraph on the Matterhorn might read like so: No fewer than
nine people have died while riding the Matterhorn.
4) Your paper should feature a conclusion that briefly summarizes the paper. Without drawing
conclusions or stating your opinion, end the paper in such a way that your reader will be persuaded
to adopt your perspective on the topic.
COMM 100W - Writing for Influence
Structuring your paper
Your paper should begin with a detailed description of your object or topic. The opening paragraph
should make use of vivid language to convey a “picture” of your topic and establish a positive or
negative tone for the paper. After compiling your facts, group them according to theme so that when
you write your paper, you can organize the information in a logical manner and avoid jumping from
point to point. Even though your paper will consist exclusively of facts, you still want it to flow and
make sense. At no point should you draw any conclusions about your topic or use any language that
might convey opinion.
Peer Reviews
This assignment also requires that you review three other fact papers during. I will provide detailed
review guidelines for you to complete. If you do not have copies of your drafted paper ready for
peer review, you will lose credit for this portion of the assignment. Your draft must be very nearly
completed so that your peers have something to review.
Formatting requirements
Drafts and final paper must be typed, double-spaced with one-inch margins, and stapled. Do not
fold the corners of your paper in lieu of a staple. Use 12 pt. font, preferably Times New Roman.
Please do not include a title page or my name. Simply include your name, the semester, and the
assignment (single-spaced) at the top of the first page. Citations should be formatted in accordance
with either MLA or APA guidelines. Those guidelines can be found in The Pocket Wadsworth
Handbook and the Purdue Online Writing Lab (OWL): http://owl.english.purdue.edu/
Grading
When grading your paper, I will be looking for the following:
1) the use of vivid language and an engaging, descriptive opening to your paper;
2) the absence of evaluative words that cannot be empirically verified (Note: if there are more than
four such words in your paper, you will lose three points for each additional word);
3) successful organization of your facts according to themes and strategic organization of
information for persuasive effect (Hint: strategic use of inference will be generously rewarded);
4) successful presentation of your topic in either a negative or positive light;
5) the use of well-researched, reliable sources (no less than five) that establish credibility; and
6) adherence to the formatting guidelines detailed above, including complete and correct
citations for ALL of your facts and sources.
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