may be as you breat
feeling the movement of the abdomen, rising and falling as you breath. Silent
tled, perplexed, affectionate, hopeful, overjoyed. Touch your belly and softuen,
life miserable." Breathe deeply. Touch your heart, and silently ask yourselt
'What would support me now?" Breathe deeply, and when you have finished,
name thoughts: "I want to be right." "I'm really annoyed." "She is making my
open your eyes and stretch gently. Jot down any new insights oro
observations
Having Difficult Conversations
"Make no mistake: Rehumanizing work and education
requires courageous leadership. Honest
conversations about
vulnerability and shame are disruptive. The reason that we're
not having these conversations in our organizations is that
they shine light in the dark corners. Once there is language,
awareness, and understanding, turning back is almost impos-
sible and carries severe consequences."
-Brené Brown (research professor, University of Houston),
Daring Greatly (2012)
Consider the times you have reacted viscerally to a conversation.
Did you find yourself boiling mad or feeling calm and collected?
How did you feel physically? How you speak to another person, how
you listen, how you send an email? The tone and pitch of your voice
send a signal of your state of mind, your attitude, and the state of
your body.
We want to become aware of these internal cues early on when
they are an ember-before they become a forest fire. By touching and
softening around these especially difficult emotions and feelings,
expand tolerance and acceptance for what is unsettled, uncomfortable,
we
CHAPTER 4 Communication and Connection
119
unfinished. Again, this does not
mean that we agree or condone
We a Iradec I am ware that allvegatione
convertion at a time. rudy ware that
what has happened.
with each cotton being who I am in that
This reminds us of the ancient
moment-angry, agitated calm and that I can
wisdom of tabi sabi, a perspective set the tone for the relationship, the interaction
This interaction the one want my
that infused Japanese art, architec-
fem to interact with one another
ture, and all manner of being for
-Peter Godard, Chief Priormance
centuries. Wabi sabi roughly trans-
itling State Board of action
lates into a deep appreciation of
things imperfect, impermanent, and
incomplete. Too often when we are at an emotional low point, we feel
isolated and separate from others. With mindful awareness, we begin
to recognize that the human experience is a shared experience and is
imperfect, and that we are not alone in our suffering and heartbreak.
We love the work of Susan Scott, author of Fierce Conversations,
who provides a useful guide to speaking with greater clarity and
authenticity. When conversations have the potential to turn confron-
tational, she recommends a three-part communications model, con-
sisting first of an Opening Statement with a clear and specific example
of the behavior you want to change your emotions about the concern,
what might be at stake your contribution to the concem, an indica-
tion of your desire to resolve the concern, and an invitation for the
other's response. The second stage Scott names is the Interaction, an
opportunity to inquire into the other person's perspective; it includes
paraphrasing and searching for deeper understanding. The final
stage is Resolution, in which the speaker assesses lessons leamed, next
steps, and what might be needed now to move forward."
Let's return to Donna, our educational testing specialist executive
from the Midwest who opened this chapter. We worked with her to
get more comfortable with having difficult conversations using the
Fener Comversations approach. In addition to practicing S.T.O.P.
, we
coached Donna on the use of the body scan described in Chapter 2
ser Mindfulness Practice Aid 2.3, "The Body Scan," page 62) to give
her a bmader range of vocabulary of her body and to strengthen her
weld confidence and poise under pressure. As an antidote to self-criti
um, we encouraged her to practice acts of self-compassion, begin
hing with feeling care and kindness toward herself, and then
canding those feelings toward others
Managing "Negative Emotions
Meditation teacher Tara Brach, author of Radical Acortance
y there is no such thing as negative emotions. We agree
120
gen
day
anc
sor
to
SCE
act
to
(H
ar
in
th
i
Emotions carry powerful information in them, and learning to
accept and befriend anger, fear, or sadness is one of the benefits of
with difficult emotions. As we described in Chapter 2. page 52. you
a consistent mindfulness practice. As leaders, you have to work
can sometimes become overwhelmed by your anger, your tear, of
your regret, especially when the amygdala hijacks the brain. In
mindfulness training, you take a step back to witness these em
tions without immediately reacting. You recognize your inner crit
ic's voice, perhaps like a familiar friend. You learn to extend
acceptance of the full range of emotions-pleasant, unpleasant and
neutral--in much the same way that a school leader shared with us
"I look at my thoughts and notice the patterns. I'm aware of the big
boundaries I set around myself, and now I am intentionally soften
ing them." Meditation teacher Pema Chodron offers similar guid-
ance." When experiencing emotional distress, she says, set aside
the story you tell yourself and lean into the strong emotion. Stay
with the emotion as it is without making it into more. Learn to be
with what is distressing."
Mindfulness offers another approach to addressing difficult
emotions and having difficult conversations. Instead of denying or
falsifying emotions, trying to manage situations intellectually to
regulate emotions, or perpetually replaying the emotional event
over and over again in your head, you cultivate a new approach
You allow the strong emotion to run its course and focus your
awareness on your breathing. You avoid doing or saying anything
that you might regret later, and take time to breathe or walk to calm
and soothe yourself. You begin to recognize that your distress and
your loss, though unique, is universal, and a shared human experi
ence. Recognizing what is happening and accepting the universal-
ity of the human experience isn't simple and doesn't mean that your
distress disappears instantly. It means changing your relationship to
heartbreak and cultivating the ability in the moment to read and to
Mindfulness helps you recognize negative self-talk that puts you in
the downward spiral as we described in Chapter 3 in the section on
negativity bias, page 94.
Accepting strong emotiorus, rather than struggling to get rid of
them is an important self-regulation tool. However, managing
strong emotions is not enough. It is important to cultivate positive
emotions. Rick Hanson's suggestions for hardwiring happiness
which we discussed in Chapter 3, page 94, are useful. For example,
Hanean recommends that you produce good facts that then
121
generate good experiences. Though this may be obvious, every
day, you have countless opportunities to create good in your life,
sont giving someone a small gitt, greeting another person, listening
and these can be very simple, such as complimenting another per
10 wonderful music, or gazing at a flower. In other words, we con-
sciously build moments of happiness in our daily lives. These
actions get reinforced in the structure of the brain, making it easier
to activate positive mental states, or "hardwire happiness. 28
(However, as we mentioned in the Introduction to this book, if you
are experiencing consistent and extreme negative thoughts and feel
the mental mode of allowing things to be as they are has a sort of
ings, consult an appropriate mental health professional.) Adopting
softening quality to it. You begin to relax a little and to accept what
is. Amrita, a school counselor and mother of three who put her
career on hold for 12 years to raise her children and now, approach
ing her early forties, is finding the transition to full-time work
daunting. Like many in her situation, she is deeply conflicted. She
says
, "I have no idea how to be a professional anymore. I've spent
the last many years arranging play dates. I'm not prepared to nego-
tiate the grownup world. I can't see my way clearly. I feel lost."
Amrita was able to articulate these feelings and accept them, as
painful as they were-at first for only a few seconds, and then for a
few minutes. She placed her hand at her heart and felt her breath.
Focusing on her breathing, she said, "As scary as they are allow the
feelings to be there."
Courageous Conversations
As facilitators with the Center for Courage & Renewal, we work
with people across the country to engage in courageous, compassion
ate, and authentic conversations through the use of the center's
Touchstones, developed from the work of educator and author Parker
Palmer. The center's mission to assist people across the various
professions, and especially educators, to live in a more authentic way,
joining their soul with their role in the world. We especially rely on
the Touchstones as a way of establishing emotional safety that allows
for these types of conversations.
Our work in introducing these Touchstones in large and small
group retreat settings is to encourage an emotionally safe environ
ment that allows for honest, open conversation and support leaders
to examine not just what they do and how they do it, but their deepest
values. Sadly, very often we find that leaders attending these retreats
The Mindful School Leader
122
deep-seated values
have had little or no time to examine their own
and how they align with their work. Participants in these retreats
begin to let their guard down, getting real with themselves and create
ing a dynamic and trustworthy atmosphere. They become Tea
quainted with their deepest sources of wisdom: themselves--thet
bodies, mind and heart. The Touchstones provide not only the best
for shared guidelines for how the group participants agree they will
engage each other, but a standard of integrity that allows them to be
refreshingly honest with themselves and with others. Under these
conditions, real truth telling, vulnerability, and transformation hap
pen. Below is an excerpt of these Touchstones.
Be present as fully as possible. Be here with your doubts, fears,
and failings as well as your convictions, joys, and successes,
your listening as well as your speaking.
• Speak your truth in ways that respect other people's truth. Our
views of reality may differ, but speaking one's truth in a circle
of trust does not mean interpreting, correcting, or debating
what others say. Speak from your center to the center of the
circle, using "T" statements, trusting people to do their own
sifting and winnowing
No fixing, saving, advising or correcting each other. This is one of
the hardest guidelines for those of us in the "helping profes
sions." But it is vital to welcoming the soul, to making space
for the inner teacher.
Learn to respond to others with honest, open questions instead of
counsel, corrections, and so on. With such questions, we help
When the going gets rough, turn to wonder. If you feel judg.
mental or defensive, ask yourself, "I wonder what brought
her to this belief?" "I wonder what he's feeling right now?"
aside judgment to listen to others and to yourself-more
"I wonder what my reaction teaches me about myself? Set
deeply."
"hear each other into deeper speech."
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