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may be as you breat feeling the movement of the abdomen, rising and falling as you breath. Silent tled, perplexed, affectionate, hopeful, overjoyed. Touch your belly and softuen, life miserable." Breathe deeply. Touch your heart, and silently ask yourselt 'What would support me now?" Breathe deeply, and when you have finished, name thoughts: "I want to be right." "I'm really annoyed." "She is making my open your eyes and stretch gently. Jot down any new insights oro observations Having Difficult Conversations "Make no mistake: Rehumanizing work and education requires courageous leadership. Honest conversations about vulnerability and shame are disruptive. The reason that we're not having these conversations in our organizations is that they shine light in the dark corners. Once there is language, awareness, and understanding, turning back is almost impos- sible and carries severe consequences." -Brené Brown (research professor, University of Houston), Daring Greatly (2012) Consider the times you have reacted viscerally to a conversation. Did you find yourself boiling mad or feeling calm and collected? How did you feel physically? How you speak to another person, how you listen, how you send an email? The tone and pitch of your voice send a signal of your state of mind, your attitude, and the state of your body. We want to become aware of these internal cues early on when they are an ember-before they become a forest fire. By touching and softening around these especially difficult emotions and feelings, expand tolerance and acceptance for what is unsettled, uncomfortable, we CHAPTER 4 Communication and Connection 119 unfinished. Again, this does not mean that we agree or condone We a Iradec I am ware that allvegatione convertion at a time. rudy ware that what has happened. with each cotton being who I am in that This reminds us of the ancient moment-angry, agitated calm and that I can wisdom of tabi sabi, a perspective set the tone for the relationship, the interaction This interaction the one want my that infused Japanese art, architec- fem to interact with one another ture, and all manner of being for -Peter Godard, Chief Priormance centuries. Wabi sabi roughly trans- itling State Board of action lates into a deep appreciation of things imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete. Too often when we are at an emotional low point, we feel isolated and separate from others. With mindful awareness, we begin to recognize that the human experience is a shared experience and is imperfect, and that we are not alone in our suffering and heartbreak. We love the work of Susan Scott, author of Fierce Conversations, who provides a useful guide to speaking with greater clarity and authenticity. When conversations have the potential to turn confron- tational, she recommends a three-part communications model, con- sisting first of an Opening Statement with a clear and specific example of the behavior you want to change your emotions about the concern, what might be at stake your contribution to the concem, an indica- tion of your desire to resolve the concern, and an invitation for the other's response. The second stage Scott names is the Interaction, an opportunity to inquire into the other person's perspective; it includes paraphrasing and searching for deeper understanding. The final stage is Resolution, in which the speaker assesses lessons leamed, next steps, and what might be needed now to move forward." Let's return to Donna, our educational testing specialist executive from the Midwest who opened this chapter. We worked with her to get more comfortable with having difficult conversations using the Fener Comversations approach. In addition to practicing S.T.O.P. , we coached Donna on the use of the body scan described in Chapter 2 ser Mindfulness Practice Aid 2.3, "The Body Scan," page 62) to give her a bmader range of vocabulary of her body and to strengthen her weld confidence and poise under pressure. As an antidote to self-criti um, we encouraged her to practice acts of self-compassion, begin hing with feeling care and kindness toward herself, and then canding those feelings toward others Managing "Negative Emotions Meditation teacher Tara Brach, author of Radical Acortance y there is no such thing as negative emotions. We agree 120 gen day anc sor to SCE act to (H ar in th i Emotions carry powerful information in them, and learning to accept and befriend anger, fear, or sadness is one of the benefits of with difficult emotions. As we described in Chapter 2. page 52. you a consistent mindfulness practice. As leaders, you have to work can sometimes become overwhelmed by your anger, your tear, of your regret, especially when the amygdala hijacks the brain. In mindfulness training, you take a step back to witness these em tions without immediately reacting. You recognize your inner crit ic's voice, perhaps like a familiar friend. You learn to extend acceptance of the full range of emotions-pleasant, unpleasant and neutral--in much the same way that a school leader shared with us "I look at my thoughts and notice the patterns. I'm aware of the big boundaries I set around myself, and now I am intentionally soften ing them." Meditation teacher Pema Chodron offers similar guid- ance." When experiencing emotional distress, she says, set aside the story you tell yourself and lean into the strong emotion. Stay with the emotion as it is without making it into more. Learn to be with what is distressing." Mindfulness offers another approach to addressing difficult emotions and having difficult conversations. Instead of denying or falsifying emotions, trying to manage situations intellectually to regulate emotions, or perpetually replaying the emotional event over and over again in your head, you cultivate a new approach You allow the strong emotion to run its course and focus your awareness on your breathing. You avoid doing or saying anything that you might regret later, and take time to breathe or walk to calm and soothe yourself. You begin to recognize that your distress and your loss, though unique, is universal, and a shared human experi ence. Recognizing what is happening and accepting the universal- ity of the human experience isn't simple and doesn't mean that your distress disappears instantly. It means changing your relationship to heartbreak and cultivating the ability in the moment to read and to Mindfulness helps you recognize negative self-talk that puts you in the downward spiral as we described in Chapter 3 in the section on negativity bias, page 94. Accepting strong emotiorus, rather than struggling to get rid of them is an important self-regulation tool. However, managing strong emotions is not enough. It is important to cultivate positive emotions. Rick Hanson's suggestions for hardwiring happiness which we discussed in Chapter 3, page 94, are useful. For example, Hanean recommends that you produce good facts that then 121 generate good experiences. Though this may be obvious, every day, you have countless opportunities to create good in your life, sont giving someone a small gitt, greeting another person, listening and these can be very simple, such as complimenting another per 10 wonderful music, or gazing at a flower. In other words, we con- sciously build moments of happiness in our daily lives. These actions get reinforced in the structure of the brain, making it easier to activate positive mental states, or "hardwire happiness. 28 (However, as we mentioned in the Introduction to this book, if you are experiencing consistent and extreme negative thoughts and feel the mental mode of allowing things to be as they are has a sort of ings, consult an appropriate mental health professional.) Adopting softening quality to it. You begin to relax a little and to accept what is. Amrita, a school counselor and mother of three who put her career on hold for 12 years to raise her children and now, approach ing her early forties, is finding the transition to full-time work daunting. Like many in her situation, she is deeply conflicted. She says , "I have no idea how to be a professional anymore. I've spent the last many years arranging play dates. I'm not prepared to nego- tiate the grownup world. I can't see my way clearly. I feel lost." Amrita was able to articulate these feelings and accept them, as painful as they were-at first for only a few seconds, and then for a few minutes. She placed her hand at her heart and felt her breath. Focusing on her breathing, she said, "As scary as they are allow the feelings to be there." Courageous Conversations As facilitators with the Center for Courage & Renewal, we work with people across the country to engage in courageous, compassion ate, and authentic conversations through the use of the center's Touchstones, developed from the work of educator and author Parker Palmer. The center's mission to assist people across the various professions, and especially educators, to live in a more authentic way, joining their soul with their role in the world. We especially rely on the Touchstones as a way of establishing emotional safety that allows for these types of conversations. Our work in introducing these Touchstones in large and small group retreat settings is to encourage an emotionally safe environ ment that allows for honest, open conversation and support leaders to examine not just what they do and how they do it, but their deepest values. Sadly, very often we find that leaders attending these retreats The Mindful School Leader 122 deep-seated values have had little or no time to examine their own and how they align with their work. Participants in these retreats begin to let their guard down, getting real with themselves and create ing a dynamic and trustworthy atmosphere. They become Tea quainted with their deepest sources of wisdom: themselves--thet bodies, mind and heart. The Touchstones provide not only the best for shared guidelines for how the group participants agree they will engage each other, but a standard of integrity that allows them to be refreshingly honest with themselves and with others. Under these conditions, real truth telling, vulnerability, and transformation hap pen. Below is an excerpt of these Touchstones. Be present as fully as possible. Be here with your doubts, fears, and failings as well as your convictions, joys, and successes, your listening as well as your speaking. • Speak your truth in ways that respect other people's truth. Our views of reality may differ, but speaking one's truth in a circle of trust does not mean interpreting, correcting, or debating what others say. Speak from your center to the center of the circle, using "T" statements, trusting people to do their own sifting and winnowing No fixing, saving, advising or correcting each other. This is one of the hardest guidelines for those of us in the "helping profes sions." But it is vital to welcoming the soul, to making space for the inner teacher. Learn to respond to others with honest, open questions instead of counsel, corrections, and so on. With such questions, we help When the going gets rough, turn to wonder. If you feel judg. mental or defensive, ask yourself, "I wonder what brought her to this belief?" "I wonder what he's feeling right now?" aside judgment to listen to others and to yourself-more "I wonder what my reaction teaches me about myself? Set deeply." "hear each other into deeper speech."
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Running Head: CONVERSATIONS

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Conversations
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CONVERSATIONS

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Conversations

1. How do we solve conversations that are difficult?
According to Brown, conversations that are honest regarding the aspect of shame and
vulnerability tend to be disruptive. He further argues that it is difficult to turn back once
understanding and awareness of the language exists. When communicating, the tone of your
voice brings out one's state of mind and attitude. Therefore, these internal cues should...


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