Today’s goals
Components
of intimacy and love
Maintaining intimacy
Dialectical tensions theory
Components of intimacy include:
Closeness ( = interdependence)
Openness ( = self-disclosure)
Trust
Affection (positive feelings)
Mutuality ( = rewarding)
•How
can we categorize love?
Loving…♥
Different Styles of loving are combinations of…
•Intimacy
•Passion
•Commitment
Sternberg ‘a triangular
theory of love
Different Styles of Loving
Couples in the experimenting
stage of relationship?
Couples in the bonding
stage of relationship?
FWB couples
Maintaining intimacy
Routine maintenance
- Behaviors that are performed unintentionally but
that help a relationship function (e.g., sharing daily
routines)
Maintaining intimacy – cont.
Strategic maintenance
- Intentionally performed behaviors with the goal of
relationship maintenance (e.g., being open or
being apart, assuring commitment)
Why do we need the strategic maintenance rule?
(e.g., for the case of friends-with-benefits
relationship)
Group Discussion+ In-class question
1. Watch the clip carefully for how “FwB” couples maintain
intimacy.
2. Think about ONE strategic or routine maintenance
rule for the following “a-d” rules. Provide your answer
on the paper.
3. How are these rules helpful
to manage intimacy? Provide
answer.
a. Emotional rules?
b. Communication rules?
c. Sex rules?
d. Friendship rules?
Discussion content from Chap. 9
Why do we need rules of maintenance in a
relationship?
Because of “Dialectical tensions” in relationships
Relational dialectics theory
•A perspective that emphasizes the trade-offs and
conflicting desires that create tensions within close
relationships (Baxter & Montgomery, 1996)
•e.g., liberalism ------------------------- conservatism
being close ----------------------- being apart
Relational dialectics theory
•Balancing
dialectical tensions is closely associated with
relationship satisfaction (e.g., maintenance of
communication rules in FwB relationships)
•Relational
dialectical tensions are largely divided into
internal (e.g., tensions within a couple) and external
dialects (e.g., tensions between couples and others)
Dialectical tensions
Openness
/ Privacy Dialectic
• Decisions about how much to share with whom
• Internal dialectic: Self disclosure without opening too
much vs. keeping something in private
• External dialectic: Reveal relationship to others vs.
conceal your relationship from others
Dialectical tensions – Cont.
Autonomy
/ Connection Dialectic
• Internal dialectic: Decisions about how to jointly
participate in shared activities vs. having time for
individuals’ own activities
• External dialectic: Spending time together away
from others vs. spending time together with others
Dialectical tensions – Cont.
Novelty
/ Predictability Dialectic
• Internal dialectic: Becoming predictable but
remaining interesting at the same time
• External dialectic: Having a special and unique
relationship vs. Avoiding weird and unusual
relationship
Openness/Privacy dialectics – Autonomy/Connection dialectics –
Novelty/Predictability dialectics
Nature of Relational Dialectic and
Strategies to Maintain Dialectical Tensions
Review
Autonomy vs. Connection dialectics
How couples maintain
independenceconnection goals (e.g.,
spending time
together but
respecting another’s
privacy)
Openness vs. Privacy dialectics
How adolescents decide
what to talk or what to
avoid talking in their
relationship with the
parents.
Relational dialectic: Our desire to pursue
two opposing goals in a relationship
“our need for security, for predictability, for
safety…..”
+
“our need for adventure, for novelty, for
mystery, for risk, for danger…..”
Balancing opposing goals
Spiraling alterations
•
Cycling through the two poles of the tension
• Also known as cyclic alternation
e.g., couples cycle through periods of togetherness,
followed by another period of autonomy (or cycles
of highly predictable, then novel activities)
Segmentation
•
Pursuing different sides of a dialectical tensions in
different aspects of a relationship
e.g., The couple chooses to avoid sharing certain
information (e.g., having a baby together or not)
while sharing other routines (e.g., moving in
together)
Balance
•
Compromising or diluting both ends of the tension
• Also known as moderation
e.g., indulging in small talk that is open but
superficial; one is neither fully disclosing nor
fully closed
Forgoing balances between the opposing goals
Denial
•
Ignoring one pole of the dialectic
e.g., Thinking that being a couple means that one
should always be together; the need to be
separate or autonomous is regarded as a
problem.
Disorientation
•
Withdrawal from the relationships to avoid the
stress created by the dialectical tension
• Caused by a feeling of not knowing what to do
e.g. giving up having a conversation with
another person if this person is not likely to
accommodate my needs
Adjusting individual views on the tension
Recalibration
•
Reframing the situation – thinking that the two
poles of the dialectic no longer seem to be in
conflict
e.g., A couple realizing that securing each
other’s independent interests and goals
allows them to have a more desirable
connection
Reaffirmation
• The
opposite of denial; acknowledging and
accepting tensions.
• If couples reaffirm, they may use “balance”
strategy.
Group discussion- Application of different
dialectical tensions
• For each of the following ways to manage dialectical tensions, provide
an example of tension between social media users and social media
companies; in terms of how the openness vs. privacy dialectical
tension occurs.
• For example, for spiraling alterations, we may think of a user who
manages his/her routine of deactivating and activating Facebook
account.
Spiraling alterations
Segmentation
Balance
Recalibration
Denial
Disorientation
Reaffirmation
How does Carrie manage the dialectical
tensions with Aidan?
Spiraling alteration
Segmentation
Balance
Denial
Disorientation
Individual differences in
managing intimacy
Sex differences and intimacy
Ways to form intimacy
e.g., female friendships feature mutual self-
disclosure vs. male friendships involve the
enjoyment of shared activities
Ways to find a romantic partner
e.g., men are attracted to attractive women vs.
women are attracted to men who value
commitment
Attachment style & Intimacy
View of Self
Positive
View of
Others
Negative
Positive
Secure
Comfortable being
close to others; trust
Dismissing
Others are unreliable,
untrustworthy; avoid
relationships; deny the
need for closeness
Negative
Preoccupied
Want to be close to
others;
but with doubt whether
other people really care
about them
Fearful
Trust neither
themselves nor others;
Uncomfortable;
anxious
Attachment styles and relational outcomes
People having a secure attachment style –
May have a longer lasting and more
satisfying relationship
People having a dismissive or fearful attachment
style - May have a hard time managing consistent
intimacy (e.g., engagement in sexual infidelity)
Ways to manage connections
with others
Case study – Love & Hate
How people manage connections with out-group
members
How feelings of intimacy formed within a group
(e.g., family, fraternity/sorority,
republican/democratic parties, etc) may influence
ways in which the group members perceive and
treat others outside of the group?
Case study – Love & Hate
Connections formed within a group may
influence how members of the group perceive
out-group members. (e.g., dehumanized
actions such as Nazis' persecution of Jews
during the Holocaust or torture at the AbuGhraib prison in Iraq)
COMMUNICATION IN FAMILIES
Chapter
11
Definition of family
FAMILY: “a network of people who
create a sense of home, share a
collective identity, experience a common
history, and envision a similar future”
Key Question 1.
How does the family nurture and
protect its members?
FAMILY FUNCTIONS - 1
Keep the family system running and serve
individual members of the family
Family socialization: Teaching behaviors that
are appropriate, expected, and moral
FAMILY FUNCTIONS - 2
Providing care/protection, intellectual
development, and emotional supports
“Myth of family dinner”
- Dinner makes a strong family: importance of
family gathering in nurturing membership-
FAMILY FUNCTIONS - 3
Transmission: Teaching how to belong to a
particular cultural group (e.g., religious group,
ethnic community)
What are some cultural practices you
learned from your family? How did your
family teach you these practices?
FAMILY STRUCTURE – AS A SYSTEM 1
Systems theory – “A general perspective
that emphasizes how different objects work
together to form a larger entity” (Solomon &
Theiss, 2013, p. 299)
FAMILY STRUCTURE – AS A SYSTEM 2
A system is a bounded set of objects
that interrelate with one another to form a
whole.
e.g., human body, business organization,
family, etc
FAMILY STRUCTURE – AS A SYSTEM 3
Subsystems refer to relationships that
are formed between just a few
members of the larger system.
•Family subsystems:
- Spouses/partners
- Parent-child
- Siblings
FAMILY STRUCTURE – AS A SYSTEM 4
•A system is characterized by the interactions
of its components (i.e., subsystems)
“The family is not just a collection of
individuals. It is the whole greater than the
sum of its parts.” (Martel, 2011, p.2)
→ The action of one family member
will affect the other members.
How does the change in marriage trend in
the U.S. influence the dynamic of family
system? (e.g., parents-children relationships)
Case study 1. The changing face of families - Gender role
How does changing gender role influence the dynamic of
family system (e.g., father-child relationships) ?
Case study 1. The changing face of families - Gender role
How does changing gender role influence the dynamic of
family system (e.g., father-child relationships) ?
Case study 2. The changing view of families – Legal bond
What is the role of “legal bond” in maintaining family system
(e.g., parents-child relationships) ?
Pew Research Center asked whether people Agree or
Disagree with the following contemporary family trend.
“More unmarried couples raising children;
more gay and lesbian couples raising children;
more people living together without getting
married; more women not ever having
children…….”
About 31% of population accepted the above
family types (37% skeptics and 32% rejecters)
GROUP DISCUSSION CONFLICTS AND FAMILY
SYSTEM
Reflecting on systems theory, explain the
process by which parental conflicts influence the
adolescents’ behaviors, as well as their physical,
psychological, and social well-being.
FAMILY AS A SYSTEM
Key Question 2
How does the family operate as a system to
promote intimacy among family members?
Boundary management
FAMILY AS A SYSTEM BOUNDARY MANAGEMENT
Boundaries and communication
Boundaries between members
Boundaries between subsystems
Boundaries between system and external world
Notions of privacy and openness are
important to manage the system of family.
HOW TO MANAGE INTERPERSONAL
BOUNDARIES IN FAMILY?
Communication Privacy Management
theory (CPM)
•Focuses on the importance of
maintaining appropriate distance from
other family members through
regulating information sharing
CPM
oTheoretical assumptions
• People feel that they “own” their own
information
• People have simultaneous desire for
openness and closure (Recall dialectical
tensions for maintaining intimacy, e.g.,
openness / privacy dialectics)
CPM - cont.
•Regulating tensions between openness
and privacy is important to maintain
appropriate relationships.
• Once information is shared, disclosers
and recipients of the information “coown” and share the responsibility to
manage the “boundary” of information
(e.g., keeping secrets together)
How to manage
boundaries among
family members (Recall
internal dialectics)
VARIATIONS ON
THE FAMILY
SYSTEM
How to manage boundaries
between the family and
outside systems (Recall
external dialectics)
VARIATIONS ON
THE FAMILY
SYSTEM
FAMILY COMMUNICATION
PATTERNS
Conversation orientation
Frequent, spontaneous, and
unrestrained communication
Open to everyone’s different opinions
So, when conversation orientation is
low, family members are discouraged
to communicate openly
FAMILY COMMUNICATION
PATTERNS
Conformity orientation
The extent to which the family
encourages members to have similar
attitudes, beliefs, and values
High conformity orientation: Children
are expected to show obedience to
their parents and older adults
FAMILY COMMUNICATION PATTERNS
High conformity
orientation
High conversation Consensual:
orientation
Pressure to agree
family hierarchy.
Parents make decisions
while trying to listen to
their children
Low conformity
orientation
Pluralistic
All family members are
involved equally in
decision making. Value
open and unconstrained
communication
Low conversation Protective:
Laissez faire
orientation
Obedience on parental All family members
authority, little concern allowed to make their
for open communication own decisions. Rare
communication about
topics and decisions
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