correct memo 6.2

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Yrr45

Humanities

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Just correct the mistakes please

This is still very wordy. Try revising it again. This time, condense the phrasing as much as possible. You should be able to cut out nearly half the words you currently have. Get it back into the drop box before Tuesday. Otherwise, you're current grade is 7.0/10

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Students name: Zainab Alfakhr, Reham Shaban, Marih Alsannaa Instructor: Robert Marini Course: English 205 sec 018 Date: 10/4/18 Today we worked in small groups on end of the chapter exercise 6.2 (which is included below). If you missed class, you’ll need to do it on your own. Ignore the prompts asking you to identify the weaknesses of the original letter. All you need to do is revise the badly written letter. To do an effective job, you need to do the following: • • • • • • • Open directly. State in the first line what you’re doing in the letter. In this case, you’re responding to a request for information. So just open up by giving them what they want: “Here’s that information you requested regarding _______________”(See pages 131132.) Eliminate wordiness. There are numerous wordy constructions. Eliminate redundancies (two or more words stating the same thing). Convert all noun clauses into verbs (“made a decision” become “decide”). Look for ways to condense your sentences. (See pages 151-153.) Be conversational. Don’t use any words or phrases that you would never use in conversation. (See page 151.) Incorporate a bulleted list. There are a number of security recommendations offered. Organize them into a bulleted list using category headings (for example, this bulleted list is using category headings). (See pages 154-155.) Use short sentences. Make certain your final draft doesn’t have any sentences longer than 20 words Be specific. Don’t trim out any of the details that might make your revision less specific than the original. Carefully proofread. Remember you are judged by your writing. Typos, punctuation omissions and errors, and grammar mistakes make you look bad. So be certain your final draft is clean. February 20, 2013 Mr. Anthony Burciaga Salt Lake Systems, Inc. 5432 south Temple Salt Lake city, UT 8411 Dear Mr. Burciaga: Sir, on your demand and as per your request, the undersigned is transmitting to you the attached docuqments with regard to the improvements of security in your business. To assure the improvement of your after-hours security, you should initially make priorities with regard to exactly what you want protection on. You are probably and should not only be concerned about your electronic equipment and paraphernalia, but also about your company records, information, and data. We feel that it’s necessary for you to obtain protection for both of your equipments and data and hence we suggest a number of judicious steps to inhibit or prevent any crime : • We highly recommend you to install defensive lighting. A consultant on our staff can design both outside and inside lighting, which leads to the second point ; • Because of the fact that nonprofessional thieves are often deterred by posted signs on windows and doors, we recommend you to exhibit security signs. • Last but not the least, we highly recommend you to install space alarms. These are sensors that puts the areas that should be protected under surveillance and will ring or additional lights to scare off intruders. Having received your letter, we can confirm that you are very much focused on it's security and a true leader of the company and we respect that and assure you that the protection of your company against preventable threats is our priority and we take it very seriously. Thus, it will be a win-win situation for us to have a talk about it on a call or a meeting ensuring what’s needed for the smooth functioning of your company without any fears. Sincerely, Joe Bullinkski
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here is the document i...


Anonymous
Just what I was looking for! Super helpful.

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