Making my personal narrative more interesting

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I have written a rough draft of a personal narrative. Finalize it and modify it in an interesting way. Make the transition flow smooth and work on the clarity. 5 pages double spaced. Engage the readers by describing the situation. Also, keep an eye for run-on sentences.

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1 Name Professor English 17 September 2018 I am a young adult that is originally from Ethiopia. I have always been interested in working with people and improving their lives but one story caught my attention . I came across a very devastating story of a sixteen year old girl that lost her life during labor because she couldn’t find the appropriate care at the moment. This poor girl bled out to death in front of her own mother. Her baby did not survive either, so two way lives were lost. I couldn’t stop thinking about this unfortunate family, so I spoke to two of my friends about it. One rainy Sunday night, Michael, Miky and I had developed a plan. Our plan was providing quality access of care for pregnant women in the rural areas of Ethiopia. We started by discussing the plan with our own parents. Then we reached out to Ethiopian department of health and gave them our proposal. It took them two weeks to get back to us but their feedback was very encouraging. They department of health gave us a grant, so we packed our bags and flew to Gambela, a Southern region of Ethiopia. Then, we wasted no time and headed to a local clinic that pregnant women would come to get service. Visiting the clinic was a very heartbreaking moment for my friends and me. I burst into tears as I watched the young, helpless pregnant women that suffered from pain in the depressing waiting room. The walls of the room were worn out, there was blood everywhere, and family members of a patient would scream and worry. Being in this setting gave us an insight and 2 motivation to strive more, so we developed a well-organized clinic with specialized doctors and nurses. We first began by working at the clinic itself and building it from scratch. Our mission came with some challenges. The main challenge we faced was using our money wisely in order to build the clinic in a cost effective manner. Our pocket was hurting. We spent enormous amount of money on building it. Also, the purchased equipment which was imported from Dubai costed us a lot of money. Putting the place together took some dedication, time and money but it was worth it at the end. I didn’t want to miss out on every role of our mission, so I strived to contribute on building the clinic physically. Sweat socked my white shirt as I attempted to carry one load of cement filled bucket. My hands were shaking and I felt my fingers giving up on me as they turned grey. I am not as muscular as Miky and Mike, so I was struggling. “Rhody, don’t hurt yourself. We got it,” said Miky. But I refused because my ambition was greater than my physical ability. Even with all the sweats and tiredness, I was as happy as a young girl playing with her doll because I knew that all of this hard work was going to save at least one life if not many. In a month, we managed to finish up the clinic with it being all furnished and ready to provide service. We had provided care for up to fifty women the day we officially opened the clinic. I was quite amazed because I did not expect that many people to come in. This made me realize that many women were desperate to get a formal care in a well-organized organization. The patients were in tears because they were highly satisfied with the quality of care that we had provided. Luckily, the doctors and nurses were very cooperative and soulful people. They worked effortlessly and effectively to make the women’s health and condition better. Not only were the 3 patients treated with the right amount of care but they were treated with love. They shared their stories openly and the doctors were nice enough to guide them through some personal life hustles as well. I personally adored working with these people and the work environment seemed like a day at an amusement park where you get excited to get on the rides at. One Thursday afternoon, around 3 P.M, a pregnant woman walked in with blood all over her baby blue dress and I believe her water broke couple hours ago. Her name was Segen. A malnutritioned, pregnant young lady with a very critical health condition. She had come in with an infection and a weakened immune system. I could see her spine peeking out and her cheekbone popping out from a distance. She looked like a white paper, all pale and thin. I couldn’t imagine how hard life must be for her. I couldn’t bare putting my life in her shoes I just COULD NOT. “Let’s get a doctor and nurses at this unit right now,” shouted Mike. Doctors and nurses came running for the rescue. All of the team along with me rushed into the operation room. Blood started to rush through my brain and I can feel my body oscillate as I ran into the room. Never in my short life had I ever seen a person being cut open right in front of my eyes so I was in shook. I started to breath very heavily hoping I would not pass out and be another burden. But luckily I defeated my nervousness and stood tall. “ Can you pass me the oxygen string, the clamps and dissectors,” said one of the doctors. “ I need five nurses and an anesthetics team right now,” shouted the doctor. “ She is losing a lot of blood, we need to stop the bleeding” “ Doctor, do you need a hand?” said the nurse. “Yes, can you hold the baby once I cut the umbilical cord” Finally, I hear aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh and I felt my heart pumping slowly. My heart felt at ease and so did all of my team when they found out it was a “healthy” baby. “ 4 Congratulations everyone, nice work,” said the doctor with a pleased and satisfied voice. One of the nurses wrapped his tiny body up with a cloth and wiped all of the blood from his innocent face. He was the most cutest little newborn I had ever seen. Many thought she wouldn’t make it through one night but this tough fighter made it through several days and nights. The physicians team along with me and my friends had managed to executive her surgery successfully, and she gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, Feker. Feker was born with some health complications due to his mother’s condition when she was pregnant. Luckily, his infections were not as acute and severe, so he managed to survive. He got his strength from his mother. He carried his courage in the pupil of his eyes. His grip spoke his power. Segen along with her baby boy showed remarkable changes on a daily basis. Segen’s infection was treated with antibiotics and her nutrition became well balanced. She started having rounder cheeks and her back was less boney. She was a true fighter and her recovery had made my soul smile. Segen had started to look more and more radiant and healthy. Her skin started to glow like the sun as the doctors worked very hard to improve her health in every way possible. My friends and I also helped her with emotional and moral support. She has no one to look after her and take care of her so we acted like a mother, a care giver and a friend. I personally learnt a lot from Segen and she helped me see what it is like to be a strong woman: a woman with super powers. She was a sick, pregnant woman that survived all eight months on her own, and this to me was an eye opening event. Then after showing promising improvements and changes, Segen and Feker were told that they can sign out and go home with zero payment and fees. “ I am going to miss every one 5 of you,” said Segen. But I knew we were going to miss her more. I hated to watch her leave because she wasn’t only a patient at this point: she was like a family to our team. Segen, drowning in her own emotions, came up to me and said,” May God pay you with all his blessings and gifts because I can’t thank you guys enough for the things you did for me and my community.” As soon as she said that, I felt like wind was blowing through my whole body and minor electric shocks teasing my brain like a feather. I felt internal happiness and I didn’t want to let that feeling go. Not only did we change Segen’s and other women’s lives but also changed our own and that was not even part of the plan. That moment when Segen spoke to me still lives within me and it makes me smile every morning. That same moment, I watched Segen kiss her baby in a motherly way I could ever imagine. Miky, Mike and I walked away in tears in our eyes. Our mission was something that involved hard work, considerate amount of money and passion. Our mission was changing a life. And we knew that wasn’t easy but all three had the passion and drive within us. Our ambition of making least one person healthy and happy was very strong. We looked and felt like lions chasing their meal in a savanna. There were times where we felt like quitting because things weren’t in our favor but we stuck through. It is safe to say that we did more than it was anticipated and came out very successful and proud because we changed, not only one, not only two but hundred fifty pregnant women’s lives.
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Surname 1
Name
Professor
English
17 September 2018
Personal Narrative
I am a young adult of Ethiopian origin. Since my younger years I have had a keen interest in
working with people and contributing positively to their lives. As such the pain and suffering of
others has always had a big impact in my life. However, my turning point s from a mere
sympathetic spectator to an active empathizer was brought about by the story of a young sixteen
year old girl. When I first came across this story I was moved to the point of tears and I knew
that I could no longer sit idly without making a difference in such desperate lives.
Sonia (not her real name) was the sixteen years old girl who had lost her life during labor
because she couldn’t find the appropriate and opportune care she needed. This poor girl had bled
to death with her mother by her side. To compound the tragedy, the new born baby did not
survive and two lives were needlessly lost that day. I could hardly get the story out of my head
and the tragedy that Sonia’s family experience therefore I took up the issue with two of my best
friends Michael and Miky.
After long deliberations and pushing ideas back and forth, my friends and I finally crafted
a plan that would see us launch an initiative aimed at providing quality access of care for
pregnant women in the rural areas of Ethiopia. We started by discussing the plan with our own
parents, and with their blessing we reached out to Ethiopian department of health and gave them
our proposal. It was a fortnight before we got any feedback from them and the waiting process
was a complete torture, but to our relief the department was taken by our idea and gave us very

Surname 2
positive feedback. Other than facilitating our maneuver for the legal hurdles that our initiative
needed to fulfill, the department also gave a much needed grant which would help us finance
some of the operations we needed to set up.
Once...


Anonymous
Really useful study material!

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