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Commentary Essay Peer Review WorksheetDr. Brody 1
Your Full Name __Madisyn Hostler___________________
Peer Review of (Partner’s Full Name) ____Lisa Painter___________________
Date___12/7/2021_____________
Dr. Brody
INTRODUCTIONProvide content and organization revision suggestions AND/OR
detailed compliments using the questions in the slides.
1) Hook to Engage an Appropriate Intended Audience: Does the hook engage people with the
same problem and future career as the writer? How can the hook clearly identify intended
audience members while also engaging them?
Your hook is great and very engaging! Try and add a remark in your hook in regards to
nutritional science students because I am not sure who your audience is towards “built up stress
and tension.”
Example: Do roommates that leave week old food out while you are trying to relax in your room
drive you crazy? Do they cause you to carry around built up stress and tension as a nutritional
science student? If so, …
Your hook has a great start to clearly identifying the intended audience members, but needs a
little more to fully engage the audience you are targeting right from the start in your hook. Above
I gave you an example to help add in your full audience right from the start of your essay.
Under each number, please provide your feedback based on the questions.
MAKE SURE YOU INCLUDE YOUR FULL HEADING ABOVE. Failure to
include your partner’s full name will result in a zero on this assignment.
Please remember to provide detailed revision advice. DO NOT answer “yes” or
“no” to the questions. If no advice is necessary, provide compliments explaining
the reason no advice is necessary.
Remember, if you do not remember to submit your peer review to us in the Halo
assignment drop box and to send your peer review to your partner, you will not
earn credit for this assignment.
If you are making up a missing peer review, make sure you follow the
instructions on how to submit make up peer reviews posted in this week’s slides.
Remember, following instructions is reflected in your grade! To earn all
possible points, please follow the instructions carefully!
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Commentary Essay Peer Review WorksheetDr. Brody 2
2) Short, Creative Label and Explanation: Is a short, memorable, and creative label provided?
Is the meaning of the label explained? Does the writer provide an overview of the problem that
will be discussed in the commentary? What requires revision?
Grammer Correction: In the sentence My roommate love to leave out half eaten food for days,
…Make sure to correct to loves
Address whether you are saying roommate's plural or just one roommate.
You provide a short, memorable, creative label. “Food Fungus Roommates”
You provide a full explanation of your creative label. “Roommates like these can be called
food fungus roommates because they leave food out that gets old, potentially bad enough to
grow fungus, even when others are around to smell it and live amongst it.”
You provide a great overview of them problem that will be discussed in the commentary. Great
job!
3) Thesis: COPY YOUR PARTNER’S THESIS HERE, AND THEN ANSWER THE
QUESTION. Does the writer provide an appropriate thesis that follows the formula?
[FORMULA: Problem + but instead of getting irritated + summary of the new perspective that
connects a life lesson learned from the problem to the writer’s and readers’ future career]
Food fungus roommates make it difficult for nutritional science students to relax in their rooms,
but instead of getting irritated, nutritional science students should be grateful for the practice in
being among individuals that don’t value food and cleanliness because they will be prepared to
work with clients that share similar behaviors and mindsets in their future career as registered
dieticians.
You follow the appropriate thesis formula! Great Job!
I would recommend separating this into two sentences to avoid a run-on sentence such as...
Thesis: Food fungus roommates make it difficult for nutritional science students to relax in their
rooms, but instead of getting irritated, nutritional science students should be grateful for the
practice in being among individuals that don’t value food and cleanliness.
Conclusion sentence: This will lead to them being prepared to work with clients that share
similar behaviors and mindsets in their future career as registered dieticians.
CAUSES PARAGRAPH(S): Provide content and organization revision suggestions
AND/OR detailed compliments using the questions in the slides.
4) Topic Sentence: Does the topic sentence indicate the writer will address all of the reasons the
problem occurs for anyone (not just himself/herself) in the paragraph?
Your topic sentence addresses all of the reasons the problem occurs in the paragraph. Great Job!
Great big word choice “propensity”!!!!
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Commentary Essay Peer Review WorksheetDr. Brody 3
5) Research: Is a quotation that explains at least one surprising or confusing cause present? Is
the quotation useful? Is it cited? Does the quotation need to be paraphrased for clarity? Does
the writer apply the research on the most surprising or confusing cause to the problem discussed
in the commentary? What needs revision?
Great job on your explanation for all of your causes. You used fantastic word choice to fully go
into depth about each cause and why it is a cause.
Make sure to cite your quotation for “Narcissistic Personality Disorder” quote.
You chose a very in-depth quotation that explains one surprising or confusing cause that is
present.
You paraphrased the quotation perfectly. Your paraphrase really added more explanation on top
of the overall quote for your causes paragraph, and was worded perfectly for me to be able to
understand. Great job!
You applied great research, and a personal reference in regards to the cause.
I would suggest revising the concluding line to not being personal, and instead use that sentence
as part of your personal experience.
Last two sentences for causes paragraph: In my dorm room, my roommate will oftentimes
leave half eaten burgers with ketchup smeared on the bag out on the floor in the middle of the
room. Although my roommate is not trying to be upset us intentionally, her food being left out
for hours can be frustrating to live around.
Revision Idea: In my dorm room, my roommate will often leave half eaten burgers with ketchup
smeared on the bag out on the floor in the middle of the room. Coming home to something that
looks and smells bad is never pleasant, even if my roommate intentionally did not mean to leave
her food out for hours. Overall, your roommate may have reasoning to why they leave food out,
but before getting upset, try to understand their line of thought.
6) Causes: Are all possible causes of the problem explained? Are any causes missing or in need
of additional explanation? Are additional examples necessary? Should a personal example be
added? What needs revision?
You explain each cause. Great job!
Your list of causes includes being tired, lack of sleep, not being motivated, not being aware that
the food is going bad, thinking other roommates won’t care about the food, being in a rush all the
time, and having a mental condition.
You have great information and explanation, especially on your most surprising cause that you
highlight. Great job!
I feel you do not need any additional examples because of how explained your causes are.
You have a personal example that is great in relating to your main cause.
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Commentary Essay Peer Review WorksheetDr. Brody 4
The only thing that I think needs to be revised is your personal cause and how it relates to the
concluding line. I gave an example that hopefully can help give you some ideas!
EFFECTS PARAGRAPH(S)Provide content and organization revision suggestions
AND/OR detailed compliments using the questions in the slides.
7) Topic Sentence: Does the topic sentence indicate the writer will address all of the effects of
the problem for everyone involved (not just himself/herself) in the paragraph?
You address having numerous effects to leaving old food out for hours! Great job!!!
I like how you quote on quote said “can have numerous effects and consequences” Very
detailed!
8) Research: Is a quotation that explains at least one surprising or confusing effect present? Is
the quotation useful? Is it cited? Does the quotation need to be paraphrased for clarity? Does
the writer apply the research on the most surprising or confusing effect of the problem discussed
in the commentary? What needs revision?
Your quotation choice surprised me a lot! I personally was not expecting it to relate to depression
in regards to the habits of leaving food out! This is a very strong point and quotation choice! You
do not need a paraphrase because your quote is clarified perfectly, and is understandable without
the paraphrase. You applied great research regarding depression and how it does relate to this
behavior in college roommates. I like how you explained how someone’s mood and behavior can
affect everyone else in the dorm. Great Job! No revision needs to be taken place in your effects
paragraph. Fantastic Job!!!
9) Effects: Are all possible effects of the problem explained? Are any effects missing or in need
of additional explanation? Are additional examples necessary? Should a personal example be
added? What needs revision?
You have great effects. Your list consists of roommates lashing out, holding a grudge, fridge
having a bad smell, food growing bacteria, the container of the food becoming unusable, and
even visitors coming by and seeing the old food and viewing the roommates in a negative
manner. You have plenty of effects that you list and explain, so no need for any other effects or
additional information. You have a great personal example that really goes into depth about your
main effect. Great Job!
I would not use your personal example as part of your concluding line for the effects paragraph. I
would recommend combining your last sentence with your entire personal example, and creating
a concluding line that is towards your audience, and not relating to your personal experience.
Last sentences in effects paragraph including conclusion sentence: My roommate had
mentioned that she sometimes struggles and anxiety and depression and noted that leaving food
out was a result of these unpleasant feelings. However, after a few months of a messy room and
the smell of old food lingering, I noticed I was starting to become less passionate about the
things I loved and felt down. However, nothing in my life had changed except the environment
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Commentary Essay Peer Review WorksheetDr. Brody 5
of the messy room I was in, so this forced me to make the conscious effort to spend my free time
in a clean, uplifting space.
Revision Idea: Add in a concluding line.
Example: Ultimately, having a roommate who leaves food out can lead to many issues or effects
in your dorm room, which can cause negativity to occur.
CURRENT SOLUTIONS AND WHY THEY AREN’T WORKING—Provide content and
organization revision suggestions AND/OR detailed compliments using the questions in the
slides.
10) Topic Sentence: Does the topic sentence indicate the writer will address all of the current
solutions and why they do not work for everyone involved (not just himself/herself) in the
paragraph?
You have a wonderful topic sentence. Great word choice for “myriad”.
You address how the current solutions will not work for everyone involved. Great job!
11) Research: Is a quotation that explains at least one current solution and/or why it doesn’t
work present? Is it appropriate and cited? Should the writer add additional quotations? What
needs revision?
You have great points being made for why the current solution does not work.
Make sure to add a quotation in regards to one of the current solutions and why it does not work.
Cite it properly. And add a paraphrase if needed to help explain in a better understanding for
your readers.
You made great points and have great personal reference about why these solutions will and
don’t work. I would try and go into more explanation of how having more space open for your
roommate can lead to an even messier environment of food being left out. I would also
recommend not using your personal reference as the concluding line. I would still keep this
explanation, but do not use it as your concluding line for this paragraph.
Concluding Line Currently: However, this solution backfired as well because she became in
denial of her behavior and insisted the reason the fridge smelled bad was because the other
roommates were not closing the fridge tight enough.
Revision Concluding Line Idea: Overall, current solutions to get your roommate to stop leaving
food out in the dorm room will not work due to denial and lack of understanding of keeping the
dorm clean.
12) Current Solutions and Why they aren’t working: Are any current solutions missing or in
need of additional explanation? Does the writer show that none of the current solutions work to
eliminate the problem? (Remember, if a current solution works, there is no need for a
commentary Should a personal example be added? What needs revision?
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Commentary Essay Peer Review WorksheetDr. Brody 6
You have two great points on two different current solutions that will not work. You explain well
how each current solution won’t work to eliminate the problem. I do like how you gave a
personal example to help elaborate more into the current solution that does not work.
Overall, the only revision that needs to be taken place is a new concluding line to finish off this
paragraph strong, as well as, adding a quote to explain the current solution and why it does not
work.
NEW PERSPECTIVEProvide content and organization revision suggestions AND/OR
detailed compliments using the questions in the slides.
13) Topic Sentence: Does the topic sentence indicate that a new perspective to eliminate
irritation and be more effective in readers’ future career will be presented?
You have a great worded topic sentence, and indicate that a new perspective can eliminate
irritation and be more effective in readers.
Great job addressing how the new perspective should have an outcome of gratefulness and
thankfulness.
14) NOT a Cause or Solution: Does the writer have a new perspective that meets requirements
and is NOT a cause or a solution? (If the new perspective is a cause, it must be moved to the
causes paragraph, and a new perspective must be developed. If the new perspective is an
action/solution, it must be moved to the current solutions paragraph, and a new perspective must
be developed.)
You have a great new perspective relating to living with a roommate who does not throw away
their food items can be a blessing for nutritional science students going into the field for a job,
because this same issue could be an issue with a future client of yours. Great job!!!
15) Replacing Irritation with Gratitude for a Life Lesson that Applies to the Future
Career: Does the new perspective replace irritation with gratitude for a life lesson that connects
to the writer’s and readers’ future career? Is it realistic? Explain.
Your new perspective replaces the irritation with gratitude for a life lesson that connects to the
readers future career. You have a very realistic new perspective that makes complete sense. Like
I explained above, you gave a perfect explanation to how this is a blessing to live with someone
who does not throw away their food, or leaves their food out for days or even weeks.
16) Research: Is a quotation provided that helps explain either how the lesson applies to the
future career? Is the quotation integrated and cited appropriately? Does the quotation require a
paraphrase for clarity? Is the quotation applied to the new perspective thoroughly? What requires
revision?
Make sure to have a quotation that helps explain how the lesson applies to the future career.
Make sure to cite it properly, and paraphrase if needed to help you readers have a better
understanding of the overall quote you choose. Make sure it is applied to the new perspective
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Commentary Essay Peer Review WorksheetDr. Brody 7
thoroughly. No revision needed relating to the quote, just make sure to add one into this
paragraph.
17) Personal Example: Does the writer include the required personal example of how he or she
eliminated irritation using the new perspective? Will the personal example help persuade readers
to try the new perspective themselves?
You have a fantastic personal example. You include an example of how you eliminated the
irritation using the new perspective you talked about. You give really great points for your
readers to remember after reading your essay. This will definitely help persuade readers to try the
new perspective themselves.
My only suggestion is trying to reduce the personal example. This paragraph feels more narrative
rather than explaining and suggesting to your readers. You have a wonderful personal example,
but I feel more information needs to be explained not by explanation through your personal
example.
Revision Sentence: After the sentence, “Even though as humans the default response is to
complain, lash out in anger, or blame others, it is important to learn how to take hold of one’s
emotions and transfer negative feelings into a grateful mindset.”
One suggestion is splitting this into two sentences to avoid a run on sentence.
Revision Example: As humans the default response is to complain, lash out in anger, or blame
others. It is important to learn how to take hold of one’s emotions and transfer negative feelings
into a grateful mindset.
The next suggestion is explaining how this relates to your overall new perspective without it
relating to your personal experience. Then explain your personal experience, so then your
audience exactly understands what is about to be talked about in your personal experience.
One more suggestion is to create a concluding line that does not relate to your personal
experience.
Concluding Line Currently: Developing a new perspective was one of the best decisions I've
ever made, and it has made life in college so much more enjoyable.
Revision Suggestion and Idea: I would definitely keep this sentence where it is, but just add a
concluding line to sum up your entire paragraph.
Example: Overall, being thankful and grateful for having a roommate who does not throw away
their food will only help you succeed in the future as being a nutritional science doctor.
CONCLUSION/PERSUASIONProvide content and organization revision suggestions
AND/OR detailed compliments using the questions in the slides.
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Commentary Essay Peer Review WorksheetDr. Brody 8
18) Explanation of What Readers Should Do and Motivation to Act:
Great job on explaining what will occur once you accept the problem and have that new
perspective on the issue overall. I like how you included having a new perspective of the issue
can change your complete mindset and how it will make a huge difference in your life.
19) Explanation of What Will Happen if Readers Do Not Act:
You give an explanation of what will happen if readers do not take action and act on the issue
with having a grateful mindset about the problem.
I would suggest adding what will happen as a Nutrional science student dealing with the overall
problem can lead to if you do not act to still address your audience.
You have great points on how being grateful can really turn into a whole new perspective for the
better in your life and everyday life. Great job!!
I like how you added an example in your conclusion paragraph on writing a note to that someone
who is the problem. That was very clever and thought through very well.
`20) Connection to the Hook:
I personally did not see a connection to your hook in your conclusion paragraph. You made great
points towards the end of the essay, but there isn’t anything relating to how a roommate leaving
old food out all the time can cause built up stress and tension.
Revision Suggestion/Add in Idea: Quit letting your roommate, who does not clean up her days
or weeks old food in your dorm, cause stress and tension, and try creating a new point of view in
your everyday life to help you succeed in the future!
APA FORMAT AND CITATIONSUse the APA slides to provide suggestions.
21) APA Format: Does the paper have an appropriate title page? An appropriate centered and
bolded heading for each section (title before the introduction and a heading for every other
section including the conclusion)? Is the paper double-spaced? Is it 12pt Times New Roman
font? Are page numbers in the upper-right corner in a header without additional information in
the header? Are paragraphs indented half an inch? What needs revision?
You have an appropriate title page.
Try and figure out why the page numbers are on the left side and not the right, so you are not
docked points because of this issue.
You have a bolded heading for each title for each paragraph.
You have the correct title for the introduction paragraph.
Your paper is 12 font and in times new roman. Great job!
Indent half an inch between current solutions and new perspective paragraphs, and same between
the new perspective and conclusion paragraphs.
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Commentary Essay Peer Review WorksheetDr. Brody 9
22) APA In-Text Citations: Are all in-text citations of quotations and paraphrases correct?
What needs revision?
Make sure to have a quotation for each paragraph. The paragraphs that need a quotation are your
current solutions and why they don’t work, and the new perspective.
In your causes paragraph, make sure to cite your quote you have in that paragraph, but great job
on correct citation for that paragraphs paraphrase!
If needed, remember to add a paraphrase for the quotations that will be added to help explain in a
better understanding for your readers.
23) APA References: Is the word “References” centered and bolded at the top of a new page?
Are references alphabetized? Are references double-spaced? Do the references have hanging
indentations (backwards from paragraph indentations)? Are reference entries correct? What
needs revision?
For your references, make sure to have a hanging indent. None are currently present in the rough
draft.
You have correct bolded, centered, and at top of page title for references. Great job!
Great job on correct reference entries! They are cited properly.
Make sure to double space the references and add the hanging indent.
GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, WORD CHOICE, SPELLINGProvide editing
suggestions as needed based on the editing concerns slide.
24) Introduction Paragraph Revisions: Grammer Correction: In the sentence My roommate
love to leave out half eaten food for days, …Make sure to correct to loves
Food fungus roommates make it difficult for nutritional science students to relax in their
rooms, but instead of getting irritated, nutritional science students should be grateful for
the practice in being among individuals that don’t value food and cleanliness because they
will be prepared to work with clients that share similar behaviors and mindsets in their
future career as registered dieticians.
Separate into two sentences to avoid a run-on sentence. Example provided in introduction section
of revision.
Causes Paragraph Revision: Some causes include how roommates are tired from the
seemingly never-ending requirements of being a college student or how lack of sleep
inhibits one’s ability to be motivated to do tasks like cleaning up after a meal.
Add a comma before or.
Effects Paragraph Revision: Some common effects include roommates lashing out in anger
in present time or holding a grudge for weeks.
Add comma before or.
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Commentary Essay Peer Review WorksheetDr. Brody 10
My roommate had mentioned that she sometimes struggles and anxiety and depression and
noted that leaving food out was a result of these unpleasant feelings.
Change and to with, and add a comma before and noted.
Current Solutions and why they don’t work Paragraph Revision: No Revisions needed.
Great job!
New Perspective Paragraph Revision: After the sentence, “Even though as humans the
default response is to complain, lash out in anger, or blame others, it is important to learn
how to take hold of one’s emotions and transfer negative feelings into a grateful mindset.”
Split this into two sentences to avoid a run on sentence. Example provided in new perspective
revision notes section.
This job will require constant one- on- one interaction with individuals that most likely
don’t have the best relationship with food.
Suggest changing don’t to do not.
This experience of navigating how to effectively communicate with people that don’t have
the same mindset you do is a lifelong skill that has the chance to develop right now.
Suggest changing don’t to do not.
Conclusion Paragraph Revision: Growth occurs when one learns to accept that difficult
situations sometimes cannot change but changing one’s perspective and having a thankful
mindset can make all the difference.
Add a comma before but.
Switching to a grateful heart is not only benefitting you but can also have lifegiving effects
to those around you.
Add a comma before but.
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Commentary Essay Peer Review WorksheetDr. Brody 11
Make sure you SAVE your changes to this document.
Make sure you send your peer review to your partner.
Make sure you submit the peer review you wrote to the Halo assignment
drop box by midnight on the due date!
Make sure you don’t forget to submit your Class DQ acknowledging you
did these things!
Remember, if you do not remember to send your peer review to your
partner, your peer review points will be deleted. Please make sure you
follow the instructions above and in the slides to earn full credit for your
peer review.

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Commentary Essay Peer Review Worksheet—Dr. Brody 1 Your Full Name __Madisyn Hostler___________________ Peer Review of (Partner’s Full Name) ____Lisa Painter___________________ Date___12/7/2021_____________ Dr. Brody Under each number, please provide your feedback based on the questions. • • • • MAKE SURE YOU INCLUDE YOUR FULL HEADING ABOVE. Failure to include your partner’s full name will result in a zero on this assignment. Please remember to provide detailed revision advice. DO NOT answer “yes” or “no” to the questions. If no advice is necessary, provide compliments explaining the reason no advice is necessary. Remember, if you do not remember to submit your peer review to us in the Halo assignment drop box and to send your peer review to your partner, you will not earn credit for this assignment. If you are making up a missing peer review, make sure you follow the instructions on how to submit make up peer reviews posted in this week’s slides. Remember, following instructions is reflected in your grade! To earn all possible points, please follow the instructions carefully! INTRODUCTION—Provide content and organization revision suggestions AND/OR detailed compliments using the questions in the slides. 1) Hook to Engage an Appropriate Intended Audience: Does the hook engage people with the same problem and future career as the writer? How can the hook clearly identify intended audience members while also engaging them? Your hook is great and very engaging! Try and add a remark in your hook in regards to nutritional science students because I am not sure who your audience is towards “built up stress and tension.” Example: Do roommates that leave week old food out while you are trying to relax in your room drive you crazy? Do they cause you to carry around built up stress and tension as a nutritional science student? If so, … Your hook has a great start to clearly identifying the intended audience members, but needs a little more to fully engage the audience you are targeting right from the start in your hook. Above I gave you an example to help add in your full audience right from the start of your essay. Commentary Essay Peer Review Worksheet—Dr. Brody 2 2) Short, Creative Label and Explanation: Is a short, memorable, and creative label provided? Is the meaning of the label explained? Does the writer provide an overview of the problem that will be discussed in the commentary? What requires revision? Grammer Correction: In the sentence My roommate love to leave out half eaten food for days, …Make sure to correct to loves Address whether you are saying roommate's plural or just one roommate. You provide a short, memorable, creative label. “Food Fungus Roommates” You provide a full explanation of your creative label. “Roommates like these can be called food fungus roommates because they leave food out that gets old, potentially bad enough to grow fungus, even when others are around to smell it and live amongst it.” You provide a great overview of them problem that will be discussed in the commentary. Great job! 3) Thesis: COPY YOUR PARTNER’S THESIS HERE, AND THEN ANSWER THE QUESTION. Does the writer provide an appropriate thesis that follows the formula? [FORMULA: Problem + but instead of getting irritated + summary of the new perspective that connects a life lesson learned from the problem to the writer’s and readers’ future career] Food fungus roommates make it difficult for nutritional science students to relax in their rooms, but instead of getting irritated, nutritional science students should be grateful for the practice in being among individuals that don’t value food and cleanliness because they will be prepared to work with clients that share similar behaviors and mindsets in their future career as registered dieticians. You follow the appropriate thesis formula! Great Job! I would recommend separating this into two sentences to avoid a run-on sentence such as... Thesis: Food fungus roommates make it difficult for nutritional science students to relax in their rooms, but instead of getting irritated, nutritional science students should be grateful for the practice in being among individuals that don’t value food and cleanliness. Conclusion sentence: This will lead to them being prepared to work with clients that share similar behaviors and mindsets in their future career as registered dieticians. CAUSES PARAGRAPH(S): Provide content and organization revision suggestions AND/OR detailed compliments using the questions in the slides. 4) Topic Sentence: Does the topic sentence indicate the writer will address all of the reasons the problem occurs for anyone (not just himself/herself) in the paragraph? Your topic sentence addresses all of the reasons the problem occurs in the paragraph. Great Job! Great big word choice “propensity”!!!! Commentary Essay Peer Review Worksheet—Dr. Brody 3 5) Research: Is a quotation that explains at least one surprising or confusing cause present? Is the quotation useful? Is it cited? Does the quotation need to be paraphrased for clarity? Does the writer apply the research on the most surprising or confusing cause to the problem discussed in the commentary? What needs revision? Great job on your explanation for all of your causes. You used fantastic word choice to fully go into depth about each cause and why it is a cause. Make sure to cite your quotation for “Narcissistic Personality Disorder” quote. You chose a very in-depth quotation that explains one surprising or confusing cause that is present. You paraphrased the quotation perfectly. Your paraphrase really added more explanation on top of the overall quote for your causes paragraph, and was worded perfectly for me to be able to understand. Great job! You applied great research, and a personal reference in regards to the cause. I would suggest revising the concluding line to not being personal, and instead use that sentence as part of your personal experience. Last two sentences for causes paragraph: In my dorm room, my roommate will oftentimes leave half eaten burgers with ketchup smeared on the bag out on the floor in the middle of the room. Although my roommate is not trying to be upset us intentionally, her food being left out for hours can be frustrating to live around. Revision Idea: In my dorm room, my roommate will often leave half eaten burgers with ketchup smeared on the bag out on the floor in the middle of the room. Coming home to something that looks and smells bad is never pleasant, even if my roommate intentionally did not mean to leave her food out for hours. Overall, your roommate may have reasoning to why they leave food out, but before getting upset, try to understand their line of thought. 6) Causes: Are all possible causes of the problem explained? Are any causes missing or in need of additional explanation? Are additional examples necessary? Should a personal example be added? What needs revision? You explain each cause. Great job! Your list of causes includes being tired, lack of sleep, not being motivated, not being aware that the food is going bad, thinking other roommates won’t care about the food, being in a rush all the time, and having a mental condition. You have great information and explanation, especially on your most surprising cause that you highlight. Great job! I feel you do not need any additional examples because of how explained your causes are. You have a personal example that is great in relating to your main cause. Commentary Essay Peer Review Worksheet—Dr. Brody 4 The only thing that I think needs to be revised is your personal cause and how it relates to the concluding line. I gave an example that hopefully can help give you some ideas! EFFECTS PARAGRAPH(S)—Provide content and organization revision suggestions AND/OR detailed compliments using the questions in the slides. 7) Topic Sentence: Does the topic sentence indicate the writer will address all of the effects of the problem for everyone involved (not just himself/herself) in the paragraph? You address having numerous effects to leaving old food out for hours! Great job!!! I like how you quote on quote said “can have numerous effects and consequences” Very detailed! 8) Research: Is a quotation that explains at least one surprising or confusing effect present? Is the quotation useful? Is it cited? Does the quotation need to be paraphrased for clarity? Does the writer apply the research on the most surprising or confusing effect of the problem discussed in the commentary? What needs revision? Your quotation choice surprised me a lot! I personally was not expecting it to relate to depression in regards to the habits of leaving food out! This is a very strong point and quotation choice! You do not need a paraphrase because your quote is clarified perfectly, and is understandable without the paraphrase. You applied great research regarding depression and how it does relate to this behavior in college roommates. I like how you explained how someone’s mood and behavior can affect everyone else in the dorm. Great Job! No revision needs to be taken place in your effects paragraph. Fantastic Job!!! 9) Effects: Are all possible effects of the problem explained? Are any effects missing or in need of additional explanation? Are additional examples necessary? Should a personal example be added? What needs revision? You have great effects. Your list consists of roommates lashing out, holding a grudge, fridge having a bad smell, food growing bacteria, the container of the food becoming unusable, and even visitors coming by and seeing the old food and viewing the roommates in a negative manner. You have plenty of effects that you list and explain, so no need for any other effects or additional information. You have a great personal example that really goes into depth about your main effect. Great Job! I would not use your personal example as part of your concluding line for the effects paragraph. I would recommend combining your last sentence with your entire personal example, and creating a concluding line that is towards your audience, and not relating to your personal experience. Last sentences in effects paragraph including conclusion sentence: My roommate had mentioned that she sometimes struggles and anxiety and depression and noted that leaving food out was a result of these unpleasant feelings. However, after a few months of a messy room and the smell of old food lingering, I noticed I was starting to become less passionate about the things I loved and felt down. However, nothing in my life had changed except the environment Commentary Essay Peer Review Worksheet—Dr. Brody 5 of the messy room I was in, so this forced me to make the conscious effort to spend my free time in a clean, uplifting space. Revision Idea: Add in a concluding line. Example: Ultimately, having a roommate who leaves food out can lead to many issues or effects in your dorm room, which can cause negativity to occur. CURRENT SOLUTIONS AND WHY THEY AREN’T WORKING—Provide content and organization revision suggestions AND/OR detailed compliments using the questions in the slides. 10) Topic Sentence: Does the topic sentence indicate the writer will address all of the current solutions and why they do not work for everyone involved (not just himself/herself) in the paragraph? You have a wonderful topic sentence. Great word choice for “myriad”. You address how the current solutions will not work for everyone involved. Great job! 11) Research: Is a quotation that explains at least one current solution and/or why it doesn’t work present? Is it appropriate and cited? Should the writer add additional quotations? What needs revision? You have great points being made for why the current solution does not work. Make sure to add a quotation in regards to one of the current solutions and why it does not work. Cite it properly. And add a paraphrase if needed to help explain in a better understanding for your readers. You made great points and have great personal reference about why these solutions will and don’t work. I would try and go into more explanation of how having more space open for your roommate can lead to an even messier environment of food being left out. I would also recommend not using your personal reference as the concluding line. I would still keep this explanation, but do not use it as your concluding line for this paragraph. Concluding Line Currently: However, this solution backfired as well because she became in denial of her behavior and insisted the reason the fridge smelled bad was because the other roommates were not closing the fridge tight enough. Revision Concluding Line Idea: Overall, current solutions to get your roommate to stop leaving food out in the dorm room will not work due to denial and lack of understanding of keeping the dorm clean. 12) Current Solutions and Why they aren’t working: Are any current solutions missing or in need of additional explanation? Does the writer show that none of the current solutions work to eliminate the problem? (Remember, if a current solution works, there is no need for a commentary Should a personal example be added? What needs revision? Commentary Essay Peer Review Worksheet—Dr. Brody 6 You have two great points on two different current solutions that will not work. You explain well how each current solution won’t work to eliminate the problem. I do like how you gave a personal example to help elaborate more into the current solution that does not work. Overall, the only revision that needs to be taken place is a new concluding line to finish off this paragraph strong, as well as, adding a quote to explain the current solution and why it does not work. NEW PERSPECTIVE—Provide content and organization revision suggestions AND/OR detailed compliments using the questions in the slides. 13) Topic Sentence: Does the topic sentence indicate that a new perspective to eliminate irritation and be more effective in readers’ future career will be presented? You have a great worded topic sentence, and indicate that a new perspective can eliminate irritation and be more effective in readers. Great job addressing how the new perspective should have an outcome of gratefulness and thankfulness. 14) NOT a Cause or Solution: Does the writer have a new perspective that meets requirements and is NOT a cause or a solution? (If the new perspective is a cause, it must be moved to the causes paragraph, and a new perspective must be developed. If the new perspective is an action/solution, it must be moved to the current solutions paragraph, and a new perspective must be developed.) You have a great new perspective relating to living with a roommate who does not throw away their food items can be a blessing for nutritional science students going into the field for a job, because this same issue could be an issue with a future client of yours. Great job!!! 15) Replacing Irritation with Gratitude for a Life Lesson that Applies to the Future Career: Does the new perspective replace irritation with gratitude for a life lesson that connects to the writer’s and readers’ future career? Is it realistic? Explain. Your new perspective replaces the irritation with gratitude for a life lesson that connects to the readers future career. You have a very realistic new perspective that makes complete sense. Like I explained above, you gave a perfect explanation to how this is a blessing to live with someone who does not throw away their food, or leaves their food out for days or even weeks. 16) Research: Is a quotation provided that helps explain either how the lesson applies to the future career? Is the quotation integrated and cited appropriately? Does the quotation require a paraphrase for clarity? Is the quotation applied to the new perspective thoroughly? What requires revision? Make sure to have a quotation that helps explain how the lesson applies to the future career. Make sure to cite it properly, and paraphrase if needed to help you readers have a better understanding of the overall quote you choose. Make sure it is applied to the new perspective Commentary Essay Peer Review Worksheet—Dr. Brody 7 thoroughly. No revision needed relating to the quote, just make sure to add one into this paragraph. 17) Personal Example: Does the writer include the required personal example of how he or she eliminated irritation using the new perspective? Will the personal example help persuade readers to try the new perspective themselves? You have a fantastic personal example. You include an example of how you eliminated the irritation using the new perspective you talked about. You give really great points for your readers to remember after reading your essay. This will definitely help persuade readers to try the new perspective themselves. My only suggestion is trying to reduce the personal example. This paragraph feels more narrative rather than explaining and suggesting to your readers. You have a wonderful personal example, but I feel more information needs to be explained not by explanation through your personal example. Revision Sentence: After the sentence, “Even though as humans the default response is to complain, lash out in anger, or blame others, it is important to learn how to take hold of one’s emotions and transfer negative feelings into a grateful mindset.” One suggestion is splitting this into two sentences to avoid a run on sentence. Revision Example: As humans the default response is to complain, lash out in anger, or blame others. It is important to learn how to take hold of one’s emotions and transfer negative feelings into a grateful mindset. The next suggestion is explaining how this relates to your overall new perspective without it relating to your personal experience. Then explain your personal experience, so then your audience exactly understands what is about to be talked about in your personal experience. One more suggestion is to create a concluding line that does not relate to your personal experience. Concluding Line Currently: Developing a new perspective was one of the best decisions I've ever made, and it has made life in college so much more enjoyable. Revision Suggestion and Idea: I would definitely keep this sentence where it is, but just add a concluding line to sum up your entire paragraph. Example: Overall, being thankful and grateful for having a roommate who does not throw away their food will only help you succeed in the future as being a nutritional science doctor. CONCLUSION/PERSUASION—Provide content and organization revision suggestions AND/OR detailed compliments using the questions in the slides. Commentary Essay Peer Review Worksheet—Dr. Brody 8 18) Explanation of What Readers Should Do and Motivation to Act: Great job on explaining what will occur once you accept the problem and have that new perspective on the issue overall. I like how you included having a new perspective of the issue can change your complete mindset and how it will make a huge difference in your life. 19) Explanation of What Will Happen if Readers Do Not Act: You give an explanation of what will happen if readers do not take action and act on the issue with having a grateful mindset about the problem. I would suggest adding what will happen as a Nutrional science student dealing with the overall problem can lead to if you do not act to still address your audience. You have great points on how being grateful can really turn into a whole new perspective for the better in your life and everyday life. Great job!! I like how you added an example in your conclusion paragraph on writing a note to that someone who is the problem. That was very clever and thought through very well. `20) Connection to the Hook: I personally did not see a connection to your hook in your conclusion paragraph. You made great points towards the end of the essay, but there isn’t anything relating to how a roommate leaving old food out all the time can cause built up stress and tension. Revision Suggestion/Add in Idea: Quit letting your roommate, who does not clean up her days or weeks old food in your dorm, cause stress and tension, and try creating a new point of view in your everyday life to help you succeed in the future! APA FORMAT AND CITATIONS—Use the APA slides to provide suggestions. 21) APA Format: Does the paper have an appropriate title page? An appropriate centered and bolded heading for each section (title before the introduction and a heading for every other section including the conclusion)? Is the paper double-spaced? Is it 12pt Times New Roman font? Are page numbers in the upper-right corner in a header without additional information in the header? Are paragraphs indented half an inch? What needs revision? You have an appropriate title page. Try and figure out why the page numbers are on the left side and not the right, so you are not docked points because of this issue. You have a bolded heading for each title for each paragraph. You have the correct title for the introduction paragraph. Your paper is 12 font and in times new roman. Great job! Indent half an inch between current solutions and new perspective paragraphs, and same between the new perspective and conclusion paragraphs. Commentary Essay Peer Review Worksheet—Dr. Brody 9 22) APA In-Text Citations: Are all in-text citations of quotations and paraphrases correct? What needs revision? Make sure to have a quotation for each paragraph. The paragraphs that need a quotation are your current solutions and why they don’t work, and the new perspective. In your causes paragraph, make sure to cite your quote you have in that paragraph, but great job on correct citation for that paragraphs paraphrase! If needed, remember to add a paraphrase for the quotations that will be added to help explain in a better understanding for your readers. 23) APA References: Is the word “References” centered and bolded at the top of a new page? Are references alphabetized? Are references double-spaced? Do the references have hanging indentations (backwards from paragraph indentations)? Are reference entries correct? What needs revision? For your references, make sure to have a hanging indent. None are currently present in the rough draft. You have correct bolded, centered, and at top of page title for references. Great job! Great job on correct reference entries! They are cited properly. Make sure to double space the references and add the hanging indent. GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, WORD CHOICE, SPELLING—Provide editing suggestions as needed based on the editing concerns slide. 24) Introduction Paragraph Revisions: Grammer Correction: In the sentence My roommate love to leave out half eaten food for days, …Make sure to correct to loves Food fungus roommates make it difficult for nutritional science students to relax in their rooms, but instead of getting irritated, nutritional science students should be grateful for the practice in being among individuals that don’t value food and cleanliness because they will be prepared to work with clients that share similar behaviors and mindsets in their future career as registered dieticians. Separate into two sentences to avoid a run-on sentence. Example provided in introduction section of revision. Causes Paragraph Revision: Some causes include how roommates are tired from the seemingly never-ending requirements of being a college student or how lack of sleep inhibits one’s ability to be motivated to do tasks like cleaning up after a meal. Add a comma before or. Effects Paragraph Revision: Some common effects include roommates lashing out in anger in present time or holding a grudge for weeks. Add comma before or. Commentary Essay Peer Review Worksheet—Dr. Brody 10 My roommate had mentioned that she sometimes struggles and anxiety and depression and noted that leaving food out was a result of these unpleasant feelings. Change and to with, and add a comma before and noted. Current Solutions and why they don’t work Paragraph Revision: No Revisions needed. Great job! New Perspective Paragraph Revision: After the sentence, “Even though as humans the default response is to complain, lash out in anger, or blame others, it is important to learn how to take hold of one’s emotions and transfer negative feelings into a grateful mindset.” Split this into two sentences to avoid a run on sentence. Example provided in new perspective revision notes section. This job will require constant one- on- one interaction with individuals that most likely don’t have the best relationship with food. Suggest changing don’t to do not. This experience of navigating how to effectively communicate with people that don’t have the same mindset you do is a lifelong skill that has the chance to develop right now. Suggest changing don’t to do not. Conclusion Paragraph Revision: Growth occurs when one learns to accept that difficult situations sometimes cannot change but changing one’s perspective and having a thankful mindset can make all the difference. Add a comma before but. Switching to a grateful heart is not only benefitting you but can also have lifegiving effects to those around you. Add a comma before but. Commentary Essay Peer Review Worksheet—Dr. Brody • Make sure you SAVE your changes to this document. • Make sure you send your peer review to your partner. • Make sure you submit the peer review you wrote to the Halo assignment drop box by midnight on the due date! • Make sure you don’t forget to submit your Class DQ acknowledging you did these things! • Remember, if you do not remember to send your peer review to your partner, your peer review points will be deleted. Please make sure you follow the instructions above and in the slides to earn full credit for your peer review. 11 Name: Description: ...
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