Running head: LETTER OF ADVICE
1
Letter of Advice
Jeremy M. Miller
Ashford University: COM 200
Doctor Anne Marie Fowler
April 30, 2015
LETTER OF ADVICE
2
Letter of Advice
April 30, 2015
Dear Angie and Gerald,
I am writing this letter to you because you asked for my advice about how to have
a healthy and happy relationship. “Interpersonal communication is a social process, and
we usually communicate for one of three primary purposes, to meet personal needs; to
learn about ourselves, other people, and the world; and to build and maintain
relationships with others” (Bevan & Sole, 2014). During this letter I will help you to
understand the importance of interpersonal communication so that the two of you can
build a happy and healthy relationship together.
Communication or lack of communication is one of the major barriers to effective
interpersonal interactions. "We just don't communicate!" is a common refrain in
relationships, too common in fact, because after mental health, effective communication
is the second most important ingredient in a healthy relationship” Johnson, 2011).
Without effectively communicating with your significant other many other conflicts and
misunderstandings will occur that will lead to greater stress in both of your lives and
ultimately lead to unhappiness in the relationship and with each other. Every relationship
has conflict to one degree or another, and when you do not have effective
communication, that conflict will go unresolved, which will cause the conflict to escalate
and cause other problems within the relationship.
Equally important to communication is your self-concept. Self-concept can be
defined as one's description or portrayal of him- or herself as a person, "based on an
organized collection of beliefs and feelings about oneself" (Myers, 1993, p. 188). Your
LETTER OF ADVICE
3
self-concept is how you see yourself as an individual, and if you are not happy with the
person that you view yourself as then you will find ways to sabotage your relationships
whether intentional or not. One’s self esteem has a big impact on one’s self-concept.
“Low self-esteem could also show up as lack of confidence, or by not taking
responsibility for your own actions. Do I have to mention the impact on the interpersonal
communication?! Who would like to spend more time or collaborate with someone who
doesn’t take responsibility for his actions? or who does not trust himself, and is waiting
for help all the time? ” (Casineanu, 2012). So you can see that it is in your best interest
and your significant other’s best interest to be the best you that you can possibly be not
only for your happiness but also for the health and happiness of your relationship.
Another aspect to an effective interpersonal relationship is emotional intelligence.
“Qualities such as understanding others' emotions, having the ability to help others
regulate their moods positively, and being able to regulate and harness one's own
emotions when interacting with others may help individuals build satisfying long-term
relationships. Therefore, one would expect that persons with higher emotional
intelligence would have better marital relationships and greater marital satisfaction than
would those with lower emotional intelligence” (Schutte, Malouff, Bobik, Coston,
Greeson, Jedlicka, Wendorf, 2001). Emotional intelligence is not only the ability to
understand and express your emotions, but it is the ability to interpret the emotions of
others and respond accordingly to them. You can see why emotional intelligence is an
important aspect to a healthy relationship, knowing, understanding and acting on the
needs of your significant other as well as expressing your own needs will lead you both to
a more intimate relationship.
LETTER OF ADVICE
4
How much self-disclosure is healthy for your relationship? “Self-disclosure is
linked to individual well-being. Specifically, those who actively avoid disclosing to
others increase their vulnerability to stress, which then increases the likelihood of
compromising personal physical health” (Jourard, 1971). What this means in regards to
your relationship is If you wait too long or do not share your inner thoughts and feeling
with your significant other, they feel that you do not trust them or you are hiding
something from them which will cause stress in your relationship and your daily lives.
However if you share too much of yourselves too soon, the other person may be unable to
accept what you offer of yourself. What this means is that you must figure out what the
appropriate level of self-disclosure is comfortable for you and what you feel is
comfortable for your significant other. With that, “Self-disclosure is sharing with
someone information which helps him or her understand you. Self-disclosure is most
revealing when the sharing is in the present and least revealing when the sharing is about
the past. Self-disclosure involves communication that reveals more private, sensitive, and
confidential information.” (Williams, n.d.). Self-disclosure is about transparency, it is
about sharing all of yourself with your spouse in hopes of creating a more intimate bond
and reducing uncertainty in the relationship.
Along with self-disclosure, reliving the past can be damaging to your relationship
as well. “The negative emotions from previous experiences, if not released, continue to
haunt us and get expressed when we least expect them to. They are triggered by similar
situations that show up in our life, without consciously recognizing them. Did it occur to
you to get upset or raise the tone of your voice for something that was not really a big
deal? It could be one of those situations that triggered past emotions not released. As long
LETTER OF ADVICE
5
as you don’t identify and release them, they could affect your interpersonal
communication since others won’t really know from where your overreaction is coming
from” (Casineanu, 2010). You have to let go of past emotions that were from other
relationships and give your new partner the benefit of the doubt, do not assume that they
will make the same mistakes and prejudge them for something they have not done. By
living in the past you cannot have a healthy relationship in the present, you have to work
through your past emotions and live in the now with your current partner.
Now I will discuss what I feel is the most important strategy for managing
interpersonal conflicts. “Interpersonal conflict can end marriages, separate friends, shatter
families, and increase job dissatisfaction and turnover. It can also be painful and
damaging to other people who are not directly involved in the conflict. If the conflict
occurs in a family, for example, it can negatively affect children and other family
members and can impact relationships with one another as well as with the parties who
are involved in the conflict” (Bevan & Sole, 2014). The strategy that my wife and I
currently use in our marriage to manage interpersonal conflicts is what my wife and I call
Win-Win, this approach resolves the conflicts by accepting both point of views and
attaching equal importance to both by putting the well-being of the relationship above our
individuals ego. Co-operation and recognition of each other’s feelings are crucial to this
strategy. Both Parties must agree and adhere to the rules of negotiation and agree to solve
the conflict constructively. However there are many other strategies for resolving conflict
and what works for one couple may not work for another, also the type of conflict could
call for a different strategy than one you normally use. “There is a menu of strategies we
can choose from when in conflict situations: Forcing - using formal authority or other
LETTER OF ADVICE
6
power that you possess to satisfy your concerns without regard to the concerns of the
party that you are in conflict with. Accommodating - allowing the other party to satisfy
their concerns while neglecting your own. Avoiding - not paying attention to the conflict
and not taking any action to resolve it. Compromising - attempting to resolve a conflict
by identifying a solution that is partially satisfactory to both parties, but completely
satisfactory to neither. Collaborating - cooperating with the other party to understand
their concerns and expressing your own concerns in an effort to find a mutually and
completely satisfactory solution” (Williams, n.d). So you can see that there are many
strategies that can be used to resolve conflict in your interpersonal relationships, however
only a few of the strategies are beneficial to both parties.
Commitment plays a huge role in managing interpersonal relationships. “Lack of
commitment comes usually from not knowing what you want, or from not having the
courage to take the right actions and no one likes it. How to communicate effectively
with someone who is not committed, who doesn’t pay attention or simply ignores you?!”
(Casineanu, 2012). A lack of commitment is easy to spot and it causes much unneeded
stress in the relationship because one partner feels that they are the only ones trying to
make the relationship work. If both of you are not fully committed to your relationship
then it is doomed to fail because it takes both parties full commitment to each other and
the relationship to make it work.
The things I talked about are just a few things that if applied correctly will help
you to have a more intimate relationship and marriage. You can also see how all of these
things correlate back to communication. Communication is essential to having effective
interpersonal relationships, and building a happy and healthy relationship.
LETTER OF ADVICE
7
Sincerely,
Jeremy Miller
LETTER OF ADVICE
8
References
Bevan, J. L., & Sole, K. (2014). Making connections: Understanding interpersonal
communication (2nd ed.). San Diego, CA: Bridgepoint Education, Inc.
Casineanu, G. (2012). Three Barriers to Effective Interpersonal Communication.
Retrieved from: https://thoughtsdesigner.wordpress.com/
Johnson, T. (2011). Healthy relationships lead to better lives. The Nation's Health, 41(2),
20. Retrieved from the EBSCOhost database.
Schutte, N. S., Malouff, J. M., Bobik, C., Coston, T. D., Greeson, C., Jedlicka, C., &
Wendorf, G. (2001). Emotional Intelligence and Interpersonal Relations. Journal
Of Social Psychology, 141(4), 523-536. Retrieved from the EBSCOhost database.
Walker, G. (n.d.). Interpersonal Relationship Communication Theories. Retrieved from:
http://oregonstate.edu/instruct/comm321/gwalker/relationships.htm
Williams, S. (n.d). Conflict management: Style and Strategy. Retrieved from:
http://www.wright.edu/~scott.williams/LeaderLetter/conflict.htm
Running head: LETTER OF ADVICE
1
Letter of Advice
Jeremy M. Miller
Ashford University: COM 200
Doctor Anne Marie Fowler
April 30, 2015
LETTER OF ADVICE
2
Letter of Advice
April 30, 2015
Dear Angie and Gerald,
I am writing this letter to you because you asked for my advice about how to have
a healthy and happy relationship. “Interpersonal communication is a social process, and
we usually communicate for one of three primary purposes, to meet personal needs; to
learn about ourselves, other people, and the world; and to build and maintain
relationships with others” (Bevan & Sole, 2014). During this letter I will help you to
understand the importance of interpersonal communication so that the two of you can
build a happy and healthy relationship together.
Communication or lack of communication is one of the major barriers to effective
interpersonal interactions. "We just don't communicate!" is a common refrain in
relationships, too common in fact, because after mental health, effective communication
is the second most important ingredient in a healthy relationship” Johnson, 2011).
Without effectively communicating with your significant other many other conflicts and
misunderstandings will occur that will lead to greater stress in both of your lives and
ultimately lead to unhappiness in the relationship and with each other. Every relationship
has conflict to one degree or another, and when you do not have effective
communication, that conflict will go unresolved, which will cause the conflict to escalate
and cause other problems within the relationship.
Equally important to communication is your self-concept. Self-concept can be
defined as one's description or portrayal of him- or herself as a person, "based on an
organized collection of beliefs and feelings about oneself" (Myers, 1993, p. 188). Your
LETTER OF ADVICE
3
self-concept is how you see yourself as an individual, and if you are not happy with the
person that you view yourself as then you will find ways to sabotage your relationships
whether intentional or not. One’s self esteem has a big impact on one’s self-concept.
“Low self-esteem could also show up as lack of confidence, or by not taking
responsibility for your own actions. Do I have to mention the impact on the interpersonal
communication?! Who would like to spend more time or collaborate with someone who
doesn’t take responsibility for his actions? or who does not trust himself, and is waiting
for help all the time? ” (Casineanu, 2012). So you can see that it is in your best interest
and your significant other’s best interest to be the best you that you can possibly be not
only for your happiness but also for the health and happiness of your relationship.
Another aspect to an effective interpersonal relationship is emotional intelligence.
“Qualities such as understanding others' emotions, having the ability to help others
regulate their moods positively, and being able to regulate and harness one's own
emotions when interacting with others may help individuals build satisfying long-term
relationships. Therefore, one would expect that persons with higher emotional
intelligence would have better marital relationships and greater marital satisfaction than
would those with lower emotional intelligence” (Schutte, Malouff, Bobik, Coston,
Greeson, Jedlicka, Wendorf, 2001). Emotional intelligence is not only the ability to
understand and express your emotions, but it is the ability to interpret the emotions of
others and respond accordingly to them. You can see why emotional intelligence is an
important aspect to a healthy relationship, knowing, understanding and acting on the
needs of your significant other as well as expressing your own needs will lead you both to
a more intimate relationship.
LETTER OF ADVICE
4
How much self-disclosure is healthy for your relationship? “Self-disclosure is
linked to individual well-being. Specifically, those who actively avoid disclosing to
others increase their vulnerability to stress, which then increases the likelihood of
compromising personal physical health” (Jourard, 1971). What this means in regards to
your relationship is If you wait too long or do not share your inner thoughts and feeling
with your significant other, they feel that you do not trust them or you are hiding
something from them which will cause stress in your relationship and your daily lives.
However if you share too much of yourselves too soon, the other person may be unable to
accept what you offer of yourself. What this means is that you must figure out what the
appropriate level of self-disclosure is comfortable for you and what you feel is
comfortable for your significant other. With that, “Self-disclosure is sharing with
someone information which helps him or her understand you. Self-disclosure is most
revealing when the sharing is in the present and least revealing when the sharing is about
the past. Self-disclosure involves communication that reveals more private, sensitive, and
confidential information.” (Williams, n.d.). Self-disclosure is about transparency, it is
about sharing all of yourself with your spouse in hopes of creating a more intimate bond
and reducing uncertainty in the relationship.
Along with self-disclosure, reliving the past can be damaging to your relationship
as well. “The negative emotions from previous experiences, if not released, continue to
haunt us and get expressed when we least expect them to. They are triggered by similar
situations that show up in our life, without consciously recognizing them. Did it occur to
you to get upset or raise the tone of your voice for something that was not really a big
deal? It could be one of those situations that triggered past emotions not released. As long
LETTER OF ADVICE
5
as you don’t identify and release them, they could affect your interpersonal
communication since others won’t really know from where your overreaction is coming
from” (Casineanu, 2010). You have to let go of past emotions that were from other
relationships and give your new partner the benefit of the doubt, do not assume that they
will make the same mistakes and prejudge them for something they have not done. By
living in the past you cannot have a healthy relationship in the present, you have to work
through your past emotions and live in the now with your current partner.
Now I will discuss what I feel is the most important strategy for managing
interpersonal conflicts. “Interpersonal conflict can end marriages, separate friends, shatter
families, and increase job dissatisfaction and turnover. It can also be painful and
damaging to other people who are not directly involved in the conflict. If the conflict
occurs in a family, for example, it can negatively affect children and other family
members and can impact relationships with one another as well as with the parties who
are involved in the conflict” (Bevan & Sole, 2014). The strategy that my wife and I
currently use in our marriage to manage interpersonal conflicts is what my wife and I call
Win-Win, this approach resolves the conflicts by accepting both point of views and
attaching equal importance to both by putting the well-being of the relationship above our
individuals ego. Co-operation and recognition of each other’s feelings are crucial to this
strategy. Both Parties must agree and adhere to the rules of negotiation and agree to solve
the conflict constructively. However there are many other strategies for resolving conflict
and what works for one couple may not work for another, also the type of conflict could
call for a different strategy than one you normally use. “There is a menu of strategies we
can choose from when in conflict situations: Forcing - using formal authority or other
LETTER OF ADVICE
6
power that you possess to satisfy your concerns without regard to the concerns of the
party that you are in conflict with. Accommodating - allowing the other party to satisfy
their concerns while neglecting your own. Avoiding - not paying attention to the conflict
and not taking any action to resolve it. Compromising - attempting to resolve a conflict
by identifying a solution that is partially satisfactory to both parties, but completely
satisfactory to neither. Collaborating - cooperating with the other party to understand
their concerns and expressing your own concerns in an effort to find a mutually and
completely satisfactory solution” (Williams, n.d). So you can see that there are many
strategies that can be used to resolve conflict in your interpersonal relationships, however
only a few of the strategies are beneficial to both parties.
Commitment plays a huge role in managing interpersonal relationships. “Lack of
commitment comes usually from not knowing what you want, or from not having the
courage to take the right actions and no one likes it. How to communicate effectively
with someone who is not committed, who doesn’t pay attention or simply ignores you?!”
(Casineanu, 2012). A lack of commitment is easy to spot and it causes much unneeded
stress in the relationship because one partner feels that they are the only ones trying to
make the relationship work. If both of you are not fully committed to your relationship
then it is doomed to fail because it takes both parties full commitment to each other and
the relationship to make it work.
The things I talked about are just a few things that if applied correctly will help
you to have a more intimate relationship and marriage. You can also see how all of these
things correlate back to communication. Communication is essential to having effective
interpersonal relationships, and building a happy and healthy relationship.
LETTER OF ADVICE
7
Sincerely,
Jeremy Miller
LETTER OF ADVICE
8
References
Bevan, J. L., & Sole, K. (2014). Making connections: Understanding interpersonal
communication (2nd ed.). San Diego, CA: Bridgepoint Education, Inc.
Casineanu, G. (2012). Three Barriers to Effective Interpersonal Communication.
Retrieved from: https://thoughtsdesigner.wordpress.com/
Johnson, T. (2011). Healthy relationships lead to better lives. The Nation's Health, 41(2),
20. Retrieved from the EBSCOhost database.
Schutte, N. S., Malouff, J. M., Bobik, C., Coston, T. D., Greeson, C., Jedlicka, C., &
Wendorf, G. (2001). Emotional Intelligence and Interpersonal Relations. Journal
Of Social Psychology, 141(4), 523-536. Retrieved from the EBSCOhost database.
Walker, G. (n.d.). Interpersonal Relationship Communication Theories. Retrieved from:
http://oregonstate.edu/instruct/comm321/gwalker/relationships.htm
Williams, S. (n.d). Conflict management: Style and Strategy. Retrieved from:
http://www.wright.edu/~scott.williams/LeaderLetter/conflict.htm
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