Final Draft - Minors Committing Crimes

Price: $45 USD

Question description

See attachment below to be revised.

Provide Part I: Revision of A Problem Exists (3-4 pages)

1. Revise your Persuasive Paper Part 1: A Problem Exists, using feedback from the professor and classmates. 


An excellent, effectively researched, and well-written discussion of your topic with a strong take on the topic, but not yet a well-structured essay.  While I do not think you should have to follow the assignment guidelines strictly, I think your paper would benefit by using these guidelines to help give it a clearer and more effective structure.  The first paragraph really needs to be an engaging introduction to the topic, with a story, or some surprising facts, leading to a clear thesis statement expressing exactly what you think needs to be done about minors and crime.  After that, give some background and information about how juveniles are currently treated by the justice system (numbers, stats, facts).  The go into what the problems are with how they are currently treated.  Then return to and elaborate on your thesis, i.e., how you would solve these problems.

When using sources, try to be more precise than to simply leave a citation at the end of a paragraph; the reader is left not knowing what you are getting from a source and what is from you.  This should be clear.

Provide Part 2: Revision of Part 2: Solution to Problem and Advantages (3-4 pages)

2. Revise your Persuasive Paper Part 2: Solution to Problem and Advantages, using feedback from the professor and classmates.


Good writing throughout, clean and mostly clear, but the organization is weak and the connections between paragraphs and sections is often difficult to determine.  The introduction seems to be offering  precise solution, but this is premature, as the reader is not yet sure what problem is being solved yet.  I am uncertain what your thesis is.  You then go over several other things you think should be done, but when, later in the paper, you start takling about "the solution" I am unsure of what solution you are referring to or how it results in the benefits you describe.  You need to go through this paragraph by paragraph and ask what the main point of each paragraph is and how it relates to the overall structure of your argument.  You need better transitions throughout.

The research and use of research is good, but what about adding some statistics or real life anecdotes to make the urgency of the problem more evident and so the reader can connect emotionally to your argument?

Formatting: do not "justify" your text; it should be smooth on the left but jagged on the right.

Develop Part 3: Possible Disadvantages, Answers, with Visuals (1-2 pages, for 7-9 total pages)

3. Included a defensible, relevant thesis statement in the first paragraph. 

4. State, explain, and support the first disadvantage (economic, social, political, environmental, social, equitable, ethical/moral, etc.) to your solution and provide a logical answer. This should be one (1) paragraph. 

5. State, explain, and support the second (and third if desired) disadvantage (economic, social, political, environmental, social, equitable, ethical/moral, etc.) to your solution and provide a logical answer. This should be one or two (1-2) paragraphs.

6. Include one or two (1-2) relevant visuals that help illustrate an advantage.  

7. Use effective transitional words, phrases, and sentences.

8. Provide a concluding paragraph to summarize the proposed solution, its advantages, possible disadvantages, and answers to the disadvantages. Repeat or paraphrase your thesis statement.  

9. Develop a coherently structured paper with an introduction, body, and conclusion.

10. Use one (1) or more rhetorical strategy (ethos, logos, pathos) to explain claims. 

11. Support disadvantages and answers with at least two (2) additional quality relevant references. Use at least eight (8) total for Parts 1, 2, and 3. Note: Wikipedia and other Websites do not qualify as academic resources.


Tutor Answer

(Top Tutor) Daniel C.
School: UIUC
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