See attachment below to be revised.
Provide Part I: Revision of A Problem Exists (3-4
1. Revise your Persuasive Paper
Part 1: A Problem Exists, using feedback from the professor and
An excellent, effectively researched, and well-written discussion of your
topic with a strong take on the topic, but not yet a well-structured essay.
While I do not think you should have to follow the assignment guidelines
strictly, I think your paper would benefit by using these guidelines to help
give it a clearer and more effective structure. The first paragraph really
needs to be an engaging introduction to the topic, with a story, or some
surprising facts, leading to a clear thesis statement expressing exactly what
you think needs to be done about minors and crime. After that, give some
background and information about how juveniles are currently treated by the
justice system (numbers, stats, facts). The go into what the problems are with
how they are currently treated. Then return to and elaborate on your thesis,
i.e., how you would solve these problems.
When using sources, try to be more precise than to simply leave a citation at
the end of a paragraph; the reader is left not knowing what you are getting from
a source and what is from you. This should be clear.
Provide Part 2: Revision of Part 2: Solution to Problem and
Advantages (3-4 pages)
2. Revise your Persuasive Paper
Part 2: Solution to Problem and Advantages, using feedback from the professor
Good writing throughout, clean and mostly clear, but the organization is weak
and the connections between paragraphs and sections is often difficult to
determine. The introduction seems to be offering precise solution, but this is
premature, as the reader is not yet sure what problem is being solved yet. I am
uncertain what your thesis is. You then go over several other things you think
should be done, but when, later in the paper, you start takling about "the
solution" I am unsure of what solution you are referring to or how it results in
the benefits you describe. You need to go through this paragraph by paragraph
and ask what the main point of each paragraph is and how it relates to the
overall structure of your argument. You need better transitions
The research and use of research is good, but what about adding some
statistics or real life anecdotes to make the urgency of the problem more
evident and so the reader can connect emotionally to your argument?
Formatting: do not "justify" your text; it should be smooth on the left but
jagged on the right.
Develop Part 3: Possible Disadvantages, Answers, with Visuals
(1-2 pages, for 7-9 total pages)
3. Included a defensible, relevant
thesis statement in the first paragraph.
4. State, explain, and support the
first disadvantage (economic, social, political, environmental, social,
equitable, ethical/moral, etc.) to your solution and provide a logical answer.
This should be one (1) paragraph.
5. State, explain, and support the
second (and third if desired) disadvantage (economic, social, political,
environmental, social, equitable, ethical/moral, etc.) to your solution and
provide a logical answer. This should be one or two (1-2)
6. Include one or two (1-2)
relevant visuals that help illustrate an advantage.
7. Use effective transitional
words, phrases, and sentences.
8. Provide a concluding paragraph
to summarize the proposed solution, its advantages, possible disadvantages, and
answers to the disadvantages. Repeat or paraphrase your thesis statement.
9. Develop a coherently structured
paper with an introduction, body, and conclusion.
10. Use one (1) or more rhetorical
strategy (ethos, logos, pathos) to explain claims.
11. Support disadvantages and
answers with at least two (2) additional quality relevant references. Use at
least eight (8) total for Parts 1, 2, and 3. Note: Wikipedia and other Websites
do not qualify as academic resources.20150509194517the_role_of_adult_justice_system_in_serious_juvenile_offenses.docx