You definitely need to improve it. First of all, you need to cite actual page numbers for your quotes and paraphrases, not just Chernow's name and the year of the book, put the page number for each reference you make to his book. You mention Fairfax and Lawrence trying to get Washington into the Royal Navy on both page 2 and page 3. Only mention it once, and then explain why their plan failed--primarily because Washington's mother was against the idea. On page 3, discuss Fairfax first and then Greene. Also, explain what you mean by "This was susceptible to slaughter" on the 4th line of page 3. What does "this" mean? What happened at Camden, you need a couple of sentences to explain this. Greene was a friend of General Washington, not President Washington. Don't confuse the two positions. Page 4, top, elaborate on Fairfax's mentoring of young Washington--for example, Fairfax opened his library to George, took him hunting, etc. Also, you need to discuss Col. Fairfax's son, who became close to George even though he was older. Also, need to mention how Sally Fairfax and Lawrence both liked having George around the Fairfax estate. On page 5, your discussion of John Adams focuses on the Vice Presidency, but that is not of concern as much as Adams's role in having Washington appointed as General of the Army. Did Adams become discouraged by Washington's lack of military victories? Did Adams hide his disappointment to some extent?