communication

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communication
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Understanding the nature of love WHAT’S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT? Defining Love love /lʌv/ Show Spelled [luhv] Show IPA noun, verb, loved, lov·ing. noun 1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. 2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend. 3. sexual passion or desire. 4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart. 5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love? The Nature of Love Sternberg discusses three types of needs in love: Passion, Intimacy, and Commitment But sociologist John Alan Lee has created six categories for love: eros, ludis, storge, mania, pragma, and agape. The Nature of Love Eros—beauty and sexuality  The erotic lover has an idealized image of beauty, which is unattainable in reality and often leads to feelings of unfulfillment. Sex and perfection seeking are hallmarks of these types of relationships. The Nature of Love Ludus—entertainment and excitement  Love is experienced as a game—a fun game. The better you can play the greater the enjoyment. Emotions are held in check lest they get out of hand and cause trouble. The ludic lover is always in control and manages love rather than letting love manage them. Sexual fidelity has little meaning—when interest or fun fades it is time to change partners. The Nature of Love Storge—peaceful and slow  Storge love lacks passion and intensity and is most of these types of lovers do not set out to find love but establish it as a companionable partnership with someone they know. These types of relationships are focused on sharing of interests and activities. Sex comes late and is assumed to be of no great importance. The Nature of Love Pragma—practical and traditional  The pragma lover seeks relationships that will work. The focus is on compatibility and a relationship that meets their needs and desires—does this person cook? Can they earn enough money? These types of relationships generally endure because there is careful consideration before commitment and there is a realistic expectation regarding romance. The Nature of Love Mania—elation and depression  This type of love is characterized by extreme highs and lows. It is marked with fears and worries that generally keep these lovers from getting much pleasure out of the relationship. With little provocation this lover feels jealousy, they have poor self-images, which, in their view, can only be improved by being loved rather than any sense of inner satisfaction. The Nature of Love Agape—compassionate and selfless  This love is egoless and self-giving. The agapic lover loves even people they have no close ties to. This is also referred to as spiritual love with no concern for personal reward or gain or even reciprocity.
RELATIONSHIPS HOW’S, WHY’S. DO’S, DON’TS AND OTHER ODD BITS OF STUFF RELATIONSHIPS THE STAIR CASE MODEL The Stages of Coming Together Initiating -A brief period, in which people decide the extent to which each is interested in forming a relationship. Experimenting -Follows a positive initiation period—this is the screening process where sharing of information is done to ascertain whether there is compatibility or not. Most relationships never get past this period. RELATIONSHIPS Intensifying -Follows a positive experimenting period—deeper self-disclosure with reference to future time spent together. Physical attraction and nonverbal intimacy is the hallmark. Integrating -Following a positive intensifying period—an attempt at self-symbols is noted. Self-symbols means that individuals take on the characteristics of the other. Also there is an integration of social circles as well. RELATIONSHIPS Bonding -Some ritualized ceremony publicly communicating the partners. RELATIONSHIPS The Stages of Falling Apart Differentiating -This period is the opposite of integration. This period is marked by an increased amount of dissension. Differentiation is not necessarily bad for a relationship, nor is it necessarily the sign of the end of a relationship. RELATIONSHIPS Circumscribing -Assuming that differentiation does not cause irreparable harm to the relationship then the next period in falling apart is keeping communication “safe” or in non-disputed areas. Communication patterns are selective and careful rather than open and spontaneous RELATIONSHIPS Stagnating -If circumscribing continues it will generally lead to stagnation. Patterns of communication are almost always described as boring during this stage of falling apart. RELATIONSHIPS Avoiding -Because stagnation is not a very pleasant experience people often find that they are avoiding the other—emotionally, physically and psychologically. This is the opposite of the intensifying stage. Terminating -The logical outgrowth of avoiding is termination. RELATIONSHIPS Making Contact, Relational Expectations, Affinity Seeking and Immediacy Making Contact Two primary predictors of whether we will initiate contact on the way to forming a relationship— proximity and attractiveness Proximity is only logical but the attractiveness variable is a big factor, but largely dependent on proximity. TYPES OF ATTRACTIVENESS Physical attractiveness is a matter of individual taste, but there is widespread agreement on within cultures and across cultures. • Symmetrical or well-balanced facial features • Athletic or fit-looking physiques • Wide-set eyes • Waist-to-hip ratios (men 0.9 women 0.7) TYPES OF ATTRACTIVENESS Social attractiveness refers to how much time you want to spend with someone. • Fun to be with • Good at conversations • Makes you feel good • Rewarding to be around Task attractiveness is how much you want to work with a person. • Competence • Specific job skills • Organizational skills • Insight • Intelligence EXPECTATIONS Expectations—once contact has been made we “assume” people will follow certain communication rules: Interests Amusement Purpose Image Positivity Peace Appearance Timing Respect Uniqueness Rule Following Presence Affection Privacy Affinity Seeking are a communicative strategies enacted to encourage people to be socially attracted to us. Assume Familiarity Dependence Dynamism Facilitate Enjoyment Helpfulness Inclusion of Self Physical Affection Praise Small Talk Verbal Affection Competences Displays Disclosure Elicit Self-Disclosure Giving Goods/Services Inclusion Nonverbal Immediacy Physical Attractiveness Similarity Supportive AFFINITY…?!? Affinity Seeking and Affinity Maintenance are two different animals. Affinity Seeking is getting people to like us… Affinity Maintenance is making sure they continue to like us Immediacy is a cluster of communicative behaviors that enhance psychological and physical closeness. AFFINITY Deborah Tannen To Report or Have Rapport (1990) Report-talk—A way of to share information, display knowledge, negotiate, and preserve independence Males—friendship usually focuses on activities, and men regard practical help, mutual assistance, and companionship as benchmarks for caring. Rapport-talk—A way to share experiences and establish bonds with others Females—friendship usually focuses the relational and personal aspects of caring. GENDER DIFFERENCES GENDER DIFFERENCES Masculine Verbal Aspects • • • • • • • • • • • Logical Concise Controlling Dominant Straightforward In Control Competition-oriented Adversarial Focused on negotiations Attention-commanding Speaking with connecting other’s ideas Feminine Verbal Aspects • • • • • • • • • • • Emotional Verbose Vague Gentle Friendly Submissive Collaborative-oriented Affiliative Focused on connection Unobtrusive Responding and building upon other’s ideas GENDER DIFFERENCES Masculine Nonverbal Aspects • • • • • • • • • • • Less accuracy reading nonverbals Externalization of anger Suppress nonverbal displays Exhibit a greater number of averse (unwilling) glances Less general immediacy behavior More relaxed posture Greater use of touch to direct Need and use more personal space Lower pitch and volume at end of sentences Use artifacts directed away from home Clothing emphasizes utility Feminine Nonverbal Aspects • • • • • • • • • • • Greater accuracy reading nonverbals Internalization of anger More nonverbally responsive Exhibit eye contact that is affiliative and supportive More general immediacy behavior More rigid posture Greater use of touch to communicate connection Need and use less personal space Raise pitch and volume at end of sentences Use artifacts (personal objects) toward home Clothing emphasizes physical appearance GENDER DIFFERENCES To Disclose or Not to Disclose (Lawrence Rosenfeld, 1970) Women and men give different reasons for avoiding self-disclosure Women—to avoid personal hurt and problems with the relationship Men—to avoid losing control GENDER DIFFERENCES When something is troubling. . . Men tend to act and communicate instrumentally, that is to offer advice or help. Women tend to act and communicate relationally offering empathy and connection. In Jealousy What is the bigger ‘sin’? Extra-relationship emotional attachment or extra-relationship sexual partner? Women—emotional Men—sexual ROMANCE ROMANCE Dimensions of Romantic Relationships Passion—intensely positive feelings and fervent desire for another person; and is not restricted to sexual or sensual feelings. These feeling can be emotional, spiritual, and intellectual attractions. It is critical to note that passion is primarily not the foundation for enduring romantic relationships. ROMANCE Commitment—is an intention to remain with a relationship and is not the same as love; love is a feeling based on rewards. Commitment, on the other hand, is a choice based on personal, financial and emotional investments put into a relationship. Intimacy—feelings of closeness, connection, and tenderness, but unlike passion and commitment, which have distinct dimension, intimacy seems to underlie both passion and commitment. Intimacy is abiding affection and warm feelings for another person. ROMANCE ROMANCE THE SCIENCE OF ROMANCE THE SCIENCE OF ROMANCE The Chemistry of Love Oxytocin Is the cuddle chemical. It is released when babies nurse, making mothers nuzzle and cuddle them. Oxytocin also pours out during sexual arousal and lovemaking. (PEA)Phenylethylamine Is the infatuation chemical. It makes our bodies tremble when we are attracted to someone and causes the euphoric, happy, and energetic feeling when we are in love. THE SCIENCE OF ROMANCE The attachment chemical Is a group of morphine-like opiates that calm us and create feelings of relaxed comfort. This allows couples to form more peaceful, steady relationships than the speed-like PEA does and promote abiding commitment. THE SCIENCE OF ROMANCE Passion PEA Commitment Morphineopiate Intimacy Oxytocin THE SCIENCE OF ROMANCE Dopamine A neurotransmitter, makes you focus on the loved one and increases desire. When a person does something that is highly pleasurable the brains hardwired circuitry releases dopamine effectively telling you to do what you just did again. If you have higher levels of dopamine in your brain chemistry you are more susceptible to falling in love. THE SCIENCE OF ROMANCE Norepinephrine Is a stimulant closely related to dopamine and is most likely responsible for the late-night energy you may have for staring deeply into each other’s eyes or in the case of the absence of the loved one can cause sleeplessness, loss of appetite, and that energized elation upon their return. THE SCIENCE OF ROMANCE Serotonin Is a neurochemical that creates feelings of calm and is present in lower levels for those feeling the first blushes of love. And is most likely responsible for the feelings of anxiety and obsessive behaviors we often feel during the courtship phase. THE SCIENCE OF ROMANCE Dialectical Theory Baxter (1988) Theory that says relational development occurs in conjunction with various tensions that exist in all relationships, particularly connectedness verses autonomy, predictability verses novelty, and openness verses closedness. THE SCIENCE OF ROMANCE Social Exchange Theory Thibaut & Kelley (1986) A theory that claims people make decisions on the basis of assessing and comparing the costs and rewards of the relationship. Rewards—Outcomes that are valued by a person Costs—Outcomes that a person does not wish to incur. THE SCIENCE OF ROMANCE Immediate Costs and Rewards—those costs and rewards that are associated with a relationship at the present moment in time. Forecasted Costs and Rewards—the costs and rewards that an individual assumes will occur on the basis of projection and prediction. Comparison Level of Alternatives—other choices a person perceives as being available that affect the decision of whether to continue in a relationship. THE SCIENCE OF ROMANCE Interpersonal Needs Theory Schutz (1966) Whether or not a relationship is started, built, or maintained depends on how well each person meets the interpersonal needs of the other. Affection Needs—desire to express and receive love Inclusion Needs—desire to be in the company of other people Control Needs—desire to influence the events and people around us
A How To Guide for Better Relationships Marriage? A legally, religiously, or socially sanctioned union of persons who commit to one another, forming a familial and economic bond: Anthropologists say that some type of marriage has been found in every society, past and present. Family? Relatively permanent social group of individuals connected by ancestry, marriage, or adoption. The functions of Family: Socialization Social Placement Replacement of societal members Intimacy and Companionship Regulate Sexual Activity. Critical ingredients for ALL types of couples Mutual Respect Comfortable Level of Closeness Presence of a Plan or Life Vision Shared Work Ethic Meta Communication An Understanding of the Difference Between the Public and Private Relationship Knowledge of the Highs and Lows Dialectical Theory Baxter (1988) Theory that says relational development occurs in conjunction with various tensions that exist in all relationships, particularly connectedness verses autonomy, predictability verses novelty, and openness verses closedness. Social Exchange Theory Thibaut & Kelley (1986) A theory that claims people make decisions on the basis of assessing and comparing the costs and rewards of the relationship. Rewards—Outcomes that are valued by a person Costs—Outcomes that a person does not wish to incur. Immediate Costs and Rewards—those costs and rewards that are associated with a relationship at the present moment in time. Forecasted Costs and Rewards—the costs and rewards that an individual assumes will occur on the basis of projection and prediction. Comparison Level of Alternatives—other choices a person perceives as being available that affect the decision of whether to continue in a relationship. Interpersonal Needs Theory Schutz (1966) Whether or not a relationship is started, built, or maintained depends on how well each person meets the interpersonal needs of the other. Affection Needs—desire to express and receive love Inclusion Needs—desire to be in the company of other people Control Needs—desire to influence the events and people around us Types of Power in Relationships Interpersonal Power—ability in a personal relationship to influence another person in the direction that a person desires Complementary—relationships in which the power is represented by one partner dominating the other and the other person submitting Symmetric—relationships in which the power is represented by both partners attempting to have the same level of power Competitive—relationship in which both partners vie for control or dominance of the other Submissive Symmetric—relationship in which neither partner wants to take control or make decisions Well-Minded Relationships Behavior-facilitating disclosure Questioning partner about feelings/behaviors Not Well-Minded Relationships Behavior avoids disclosure Poor listening skills Lack of interest in other’s disclosures Utilizing effective listener “responses” Accurate repetition of partner’s disclosures Detailed knowledge of partner’s preferences/opinions Distorted repetitions of partner’s disclosures Ignorance of partner’s preferences and opinions Well-Minded Relationships Relationship-enhancing Not Well-Minded Relationships Relationship-disruption Generally positive attributions for partner’s behaviors Overall negative attributions for partner’s behaviors External attributions for negative relationship events Partner attribution for negative relationship events Partner attributions for positive relationship events External attribution for positive relationship events Attributions for partner matches partner’s self-attributions Nonmatching attributions (self and partner) Well-Minded Relationships Acceptance and respect Not Well-Minded Relationships Criticism and contempt Reconstruction of history/memory is positive Negative reconstruction of history/memory Pride in other’s abilities and achievements Little recognition of the other’s abilities/achievements Behaviors that acknowledge other’s preferences/concerns Inability to recall other’s disclosures Ability to extensively list other’s positive qualities Ability to extensively list other’s faults Well-Minded Relationships Reciprocity Not Well-Minded Relationships Inequity Estimates of relationship efforts match partners Nonmatching estimates of partner’s relationship efforts Can identify partner’s contributions to relationship Expressed feelings of inequity Recognition of the other’s efforts and Inability to recognize other’s support contributions Perceptions of synergy Nonsynergetic
What about Love? EMOTIONS! Identify Your Emotions To do this you must… Define what you feel Decide whether to communicate your feelings If yes, then to whom, when, and where If no, then engage in emotional self-talk and manage your feelings intrapersonally Self-talk Own your feelings Monitor your self-talk Establish a supportive climate Rely on specific language—not abstractions Identify Your Emotions Define the following using as many words as possible Angry Helpful Loving Embarrassed Surprised Fearful Disgusted Hurt Belittled Happy Lonely Sad Energetic Shame Pleased Emotions Empathy vs. Sympathy? Love & Hate… What is the difference between love and hate? Love Hate Heart Rate up up Blood Pressure up up Respiration up up Eye Dilation open open Flush Response activated activated Stupid Actions yep yep Love & Hate… What color is this? Love & Hate… So how do you know what you feel is the same as what others do simply because we identify an emotion with a common name? What Numbers do you See? Owning your Feelings Why do we need to describe feelings? For self-disclosure—to teach others how to treat you. Procedure Indicate what triggered the feeling Mentally identify what you are feeling—think specifically Verbally own the feeling—I am. . . Emotional Baggage Learn to own your behaviors and hold yourself accountable for our observations of you. Procedure Identify the generalized perception you are feeling Recall the specific behavior that led to that perception Form a message in which only what you have seen is reported and now what you have seen with your attribution added to the behavior Emotional Baggage You are not—I repeat not—responsible for you emotions. How you feel is how you feel. You are 100% responsible for how you behave or comport yourself because of them or inspite of them. Four Views on Emotions Organismic view of emotions Basically states that we experience emotions as a physiological response to environmental stimulus 1. Stimulus 2. Physiological Response 3. Emotion Four Views on Emotions Perceptual View of Emotions or the Appraisal Theory Essentially states external objects/events as well as physiological reactions have no intrinsic meaning— they only gain meaning as we attribute significance to them 1. External Event 2. Perception of Event 3. Interpreted Emotion 4. Physiological Response Four Views on Emotions Cognitive Labeling View This is a slight modification of the perceptual view and claims how we label our physiological responses influence how we interpret and respond to events. 1. External Event 2. Physiological Response 3. Label for the Response 4. Emotion Four Views on Emotions Perceptual _____ External Event Perception of Event Interpreted Emotion Physiological Response Cognitive External Event Phys. Response Label for Response Emotion Four Views on Emotions Interactive View of Emotions  Proposes social rules and understanding shape what people feel and how they do or don’t express their feelings and is composed of three concepts: Framing Rules—which define the emotional meaning of the situation Feeling Rules—which provide the basis for how we are supposed to feel Emotion Work—efforts to generate the emotion we think is appropriate

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