The Travels that made her Brave 2 The Travels that Made Her Brave Deleted: m Physical appearance or looks are always deceiving. This statement has been the stepping Deleted: h Formatted: Font: Not Bold Formatted: Font: Not Bold stone behind getting to know her. At one point of a time, we all have heard about people Formatted: Font: Not Bold travelling miles away in the process of building their future or in search of a better state of life. These stories lack the emotional depth and can only be achieved by been given the chance to meet people who are trying to rebuild the American Life. She has travelled all the way from Asia to America. She comes from a city that many people find it hard to pronounce; Anuradhapura, Sri Lanka. The city is approximately 8890 miles from the Unites States when flying directly over the Atlantic Ocean. It’s a two-day flight. She is twenty-year-old girl, pays for everything she Commented [HB3]: Replace the semicolon with a colon. Deleted: s Deleted: through Deleted: through Deleted: two days needs, is distanced from relatives, and she balances work and school. All these have not Deleted: twenty year old Deleted: , prevented her from living an ideal life of a foreigner in the United States. She has been able to Deleted: s leave every room she enters illuminated with hope, and she has always been the rock and an Commented [HB4]: While you do not have to use her real name, you must give her a name. This will help readers to more easily follow the essay, as it is a bit confusing reading about someone who remains nameless. inspiration to her family and friends. Thinking about the number of miles she travels either by air, by ship, or even by train from America to Sri Lanka just to go be with her family, describes the true meaning of strength and affection. Her life has given the true meaning of being independent and strong. Although she may not realize the impact she brings to people around her, but as a friend, people truly enjoy the fruits of her friendship and great inspiration she give me. When she was at first grade, her father decided to move to Chicago with her, leaving her mother behind. She has always talked about the flight from Anuradhapura to Chicago and it was a life changing experience for her. Being a first grade child, learning about the new American culture and belief was her biggest nightmare. These obstacles never made her look back and regret her life in America but instead made her the person she is now. Commented [HB5]: What was this experience like for her? Help readers to understand what she felt, saw, and experienced. Commented [HB6]: Do not focus on yourself. Rather, focus on the woman you are profiling. Rather than speak of the inspiration she gives you, focus on why it is important to her to inspire others, or if she is unaware of her ability to do this, speak of her lack of awareness of her true power and inspiration. Commented [HB7]: How did this make her feel? How did she react? What were her thoughts? Her emotions? Help readers to understand how this experience impacted her. Remember to “show.” Do not “tell.” Use strong, vivid descriptive details to take readers back through these moments with her. Commented [HB8]: Remember: do not “tell” readers; instead “show” them. Insclude dialogue/quotes, so readers can “hear” her. Remember to describe her speech and mannaerisms, so they can “see” her as she speaks. Commented [HB9]: Work on “showing” your readers instead of “telling.” Here, and throughout the essay, you “tell.” An example of “showing” would be: Learning about her new American culture was her greatest nightmare. As she the bell rang to signal the start of the new school day, her mind raced with anxiety and her face flushed red. Sitting at her front row desk, she stared down at her hands, trying her hardest not to move, hoping and praying that maybe no one would notice her. Work on doing this throughout the essay. You must take readers back to these moments with her, working to “show” them her thoughts, feelings, and actions in an effort to “show” readers who she is and why. The Travels that made her Brave 3 After a long journey from their country, with her dad they arrived at Chicago International Airport in Illinois and they did not understand or speak English. Her dad drove them to a relative’s home who she described as Uncle. She has always said that learning the language and adapting to the new culture was the most challenging obstacle in her new life in Chicago. This made her father decide to leave for Sri Lanka after just two weeks in Chicago for their life was too hard for them to adapt. She started going to school and for her father also to learn the language, he used to accompany her to school. They both learned the language mostly from other students but not from the teachers. Her father supported her in all means possible and she did not disappoint for she was quick to learn and also appreciated everything her father gave her. They visited her mum back at Sri Lanka several times. She changed constantly in terms of leaning the American culture and her father noticed the rapid change in her. This made her stronger and more independent and she was now 18 years old. Her father left for Sri Lanka as she settled in her new house. She was now the one to take care of all her bills, this was a major step she took in her life. She met with her boyfriend James who she could find little time to be together for she had to balance work and school. Her boyfriend gave her what she missed from her dad after he went back to his country of origin. James explains that Navodya has been the best companion and a mentor too in his life. She now works at a Mexican Grill as a shift manager and she feels happy about the position she holds at the restaurant. Her personal life is not different from many people’s life even though she holds a tight schedule to balance her studies with work. She now lives with her boyfriend and she always finds time for him and also for his friends and family members. She has been the pillar that holds their relationship. Like most of the American teenagers, she has addiction to listening to music. Commented [HB10]: Continue to work on incorporating descriptive details. In general, you are headed in the right direction, and the essay's organization is good. You need to work on the creative aspect of the essay: "showing." Help readers to full understand who she is and how her experiences have shaped her. For example, instead of "telling" readers that learning the language and adapting the culture was a challenge for her, "show" readers. Carefully, describe a moment in which she struggles with this challenge, describing her actions, words, and thoughts, so readers can understand the impact adjusting to a new culture, a new land, had on her. Be sure to do this throughout the essay. Readers must be able to "see," "hear," and understand her. The Travels that made her Brave 4 They both go to the Rave where they make good moments and have always shared light moments in their life. She likes listening to techno music for it “takes over the body and your soul, releasing all your daily worries and troubles from your mind” as she explains to her friends. All her life’s aspects can be compared to Deschene 1 quote, “it takes courage to grow up and become who you really are”. This has been proven from her personal life both with her parents and with her friends including her boyfriend James. As a friend most would describe her as an energetic friend and a role model who always brings hope in life. I have always admired her way of approaching challenges and she has always proven her capabilities beyond any reasonable doubt she is a performer. She always had good grades in class, always on top of group discussions and you could find her studying even after classes. She is a determined person hoping to join university in two years and major in Marketing. Taking a close look of her life, it’s all about sacrificing everything to face the obstacles she came across. The journey has not been an easy one, having to adapt to a totally new life in a new country has been challenging. She has managed to solve all the challenges she has faced and this has proven to her family and friends that she has the ability to make the best out of herself. She now has a bright future back at Sri Lanka or in America. She has proven that, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. Commented [HB11]: This should be incorporated into a thesis statement. The Travels that made her Brave 5 References. Deschene, Lori. "Greatness | Tiny Buddha - Part 3 - StumbleUpon." StumbleUpon.com: Discover the Best of the Web. Sept. 2010. Web. 15 Feb. 2011. Friendrich. (n.d.). stronger quotes. Retrieved from brainyquote.com: https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/stronger James. (2017, November 26). Profile Essay. McKeon, S. (2011, July 24). Profile Essay. Retrieved from bartleby.com: https://www.bartleby.com/document/FKNLAPJTJ Navodya. (2017, November 26). Profile essay. Oprah Winfrey's Profile at a Glance. (2012, November 24). Retrieved from bartleby.com: https://www.bartleby.com/document/FKZAVZAX73GEY Running head: The Travels that made her Brave The Travels that Made Her Brave 1 The Travels that Made Her Brave 2 The Travels that Made Her Brave Physical appearance or looks are always deceiving. This statement has been the stepping stone behind getting to know her. At one point of a time, we all have heard about people travelling miles away in the process of building their future or in search of a better state of life. These stories lack the emotional depth and can only be achieved by been given the chance to meet people who are trying to rebuild the American Life. She has travelled all the way from Asia to America. She comes from a city that many people find it hard to pronounce: Anuradhapura, Sri Lanka. The city is approximately 8890 miles from the Unites States through flying directly over the Atlantic Ocean. It’s a two-day flight. She is a twenty-year-old girl, pays for everything she needs, is distanced from relatives, and she balances work and school. All these have not prevented her from living an ideal life of a foreigner in the United States. Nadia has been able to leave every room she enters illuminated with hope and she has always been the rock and an inspiration to her family and friends. Thinking about the number of miles she travels either by air, by ship or even by train from America to Sri Lanka just to go be with her family, describes the true meaning of strength and affection. Her life has given the true meaning of being independent and strong. Although she may not realize the impact she brings to people around her but as a friend, people truly enjoy the fruits of her friendship and great inspiration she give me. When she was at first grade, her father decided to move to Chicago with her, leaving her mother behind. She has always talked about the flight from Anuradhapura to Chicago and it was a life changing experience for her. Being a first grade child, learning about the new American culture and belief was her biggest nightmare. These obstacles never made her look back and regret her life in America but instead made her the person she is now. The Travels that Made Her Brave 3 After a long journey from their country, with her dad they arrived at Chicago International Airport in Illinois and they did not understand or speak English. Her dad drove them to a relative’s home who she described as Uncle. She has always said that learning the language and adapting to the new culture was the most challenging obstacle in her new life in Chicago. This made her father decide to leave for Sri Lanka after just two weeks in Chicago for their life was too hard for them to adapt. She started going to school and for her father also to learn the language, he used to accompany her to school. They both learned the language mostly from other students but not from the teachers. Her father supported her in all means possible and she did not disappoint for she was quick to learn and also appreciated everything her father gave her. They visited her mum back at Sri Lanka several times. She changed constantly in terms of leaning the American culture and her father noticed the rapid change in her. This made her stronger and more independent and she was now 18 years old. Her father left for Sri Lanka as she settled in her new house. She was now the one to take care of all her bills, this was a major step she took in her life. She met with her boyfriend James who she could find little time to be together for she had to balance work and school. Her boyfriend gave her what she missed from her dad after he went back to his country of origin. James explains that Navodya has been the best companion and a mentor too in his life. She now works at a Mexican Grill as a shift manager and she feels happy about the position she holds at the restaurant. Her personal life is not different from many people’s life even though she holds a tight schedule to balance her studies with work. She now lives with her boyfriend and she always finds time for him and also for his friends and family members. She has been the pillar that holds their relationship. Like most of the American teenagers, she has addiction to listening to music. The Travels that Made Her Brave 4 They both go to the Rave where they make good moments and have always shared light moments in their life. She likes listening to techno music for it “takes over the body and your soul, releasing all your daily worries and troubles from your mind” as she explains to her friends. All her life’s aspects can be compared to Deschene 1 quote, “it takes courage to grow up and become who you really are”. This has been proven from her personal life both with her parents and with her friends including her boyfriend James. As a friend most would describe her as an energetic friend and a role model who always brings hope in life. I have always admired her way of approaching challenges and she has always proven her capabilities beyond any reasonable doubt she is a performer. She always had good grades in class, always on top of group discussions and you could find her studying even after classes. She is a determined person hoping to join university in two years and major in Marketing. Taking a close look of her life, it’s all about sacrificing everything to face the obstacles she came across. The journey has not been an easy one, having to adapt to a totally new life in a new country has been challenging. She has managed to solve all the challenges she has faced and this has proven to her family and friends that she has the ability to make the best out of herself. She now has a bright future back at Sri Lanka or in America. She has proven that, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. The Travels that Made Her Brave 5 References. Deschene, Lori. "Greatness | Tiny Buddha - Part 3 - StumbleUpon." StumbleUpon.com: Discover the Best of the Web. Sept. 2010. Web. 15 Feb. 2011. Friendrich. (n.d.). stronger quotes. Retrieved from brainyquote.com: https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/stronger James. (2017, November 26). Profile Essay. McKeon, S. (2011, July 24). Profile Essay. Retrieved from bartleby.com: https://www.bartleby.com/document/FKNLAPJTJ Navodya. (2017, November 26). Profile essay. Oprah Winfrey's Profile at a Glance. (2012, November 24). Retrieved from bartleby.com: https://www.bartleby.com/document/FKZAVZAX73GEY
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