Instructions: Answer Yes or No for the statements below after reading and conferring with you partner. Paragraph contains a topic sentence. 2p Paragraph contains elements for the type of paragraph 3 There are at least 3 main points Bu 4 2-3 details are evident to support the main points 5 Elaboration of supporting details is present Formal language used Paragraph is titled Scorrect Correct use of grammar, spelling, capitalization and punctuation Paragraph contains transitional words Paragraph contains a closing sentence. VO Closing sentence restates main idea of topic sentence Augusten Burroughs was born Christopher Robison in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, in 1965 and raised in western Massachusetts. He dropped out of school in the sixth grade, earned a GED, and legally changed his name when he turned eigh- teen. By his own account Burroughs has been repeatedly victimized by circum- stances, many of them recounted in a series of best-selling memoirs. In Running with Scissors (2002) he tells of being raised by his mother's psychiatrist and becoming trapped in a relationship with a pedophile. In Dry (2003) he exam- ines a period of alcoholism worsened after losing a boyfriend to AIDS. And in A Wolf at the Table (2008) he recalls childhood abuse at the hands of his father. Critics sometimes question the details of Burroughs's tales, yet most admire the emotional honesty and gothic humor that pervade his work. In addition to mem- oirs, Burroughs has also written a novel, Sellevision (2000); two collections of essays, Magical Thinking (2004) and Possible Side Effects (2006); a compilation of Christmas stories, You'd Better Not Cry (2009); and, most recently, a self-help book, This Is How: Proven Aid in Overcoming Shyness, Molestation, Fatness , Spinsterhood, Grief, Disease, Lushery, Decrepitude and More (2012). He lives in rural Connecticut. How to Identify Love by Knowing What It's Not In This Is How, the book Burroughs says he "was born to write," the author draws on his life experiences to offer straightforward if unconventional advice on top- ics ranging from riding elevators to changing the world. "How to Identify Love by Knowing What It's Not," a chapter from the book, explores the delusions that can lead people to mistake cruelty for caring. 1 2 Love doesn't use a fist. Love never calls you fat or lazy or ugly. Love doesn't laugh at you in front of friends. It is not in Love's interest for your self-esteem to be low. 3 4 Love is a helium-based emotion; Love always takes the high road. 5 6 Love does not make you beg. Love does not make you deposit your paycheck into its bank account. Love certainly never, never , never brings the children into it. 7 8. as excited about this change as you are, if not more so. And if the way you were before you changed, Love will go back with you. Love does not ask or even want you to change. But if you change, Love is 9 Love does not maintain a list of your flaws and weaknesses. you go back to 10 Burroughs / How to Identify Love by Knowing What It's Not 471 wania 11 12 ed eight circum- kunning Love believes you. Love is patient; Love does not make a point of showing you how patient it is. It is critical to understand the distinction. Patience is like donating a large sum of money to a charity anonymously. What matters to you as the donor is that the charity receives the funding, not who wrote the check, even if knowing who donated such a huge check would 13 rist and e exam- . And in wildly impress the world. So, patience is exhibited only by a lack of pressure. This is how you know 14 it's there. is father. mire the 15 to mem- 16 ections of mpilation 17 self-help Fatness, He lives 18 19 uthor draws But when you see on the face of your partner or spouse an expression that 1 reads, “I'm being very patient with you,” this could be the single detail that alerts you to the fact that you are in an abusive relationship. You can be in such a relationship and not even know it. You can receive so many black eyes, you forget it's abnormal to have even one. Physical violence is one kind of abuse. Emotional violence is another kind of abuse. These assaults are delivered with concepts. People usually say, emotional abuse is about words: fat, ugly, stupid, lazy. But it's not about words because an emotionally abusive person doesn't always resort to using the ver- bal club, but rather the verbal untraceable poison. They may, in fact, speak very kind words to you. And appear nothing but supportive to those around you: Their covert abuse is administered in small, cun- ning ways. Over time. So the impact is gradual, not fist-to-the-eye immediate. An abusive partner is controlling. They are manipulative. They might make a special point of coyly sharing information that they actually know will upset you. They might supply reasonable arguments as to why they and not you should make important decisions. you possess talent or a natural ease and comfort with a particular ability partner is resentful, abuse might arrive in the form of sub- traction: no remark at all, not a compliment or a gesture of support. Perhaps one small, internally flawless diamond of a criticism will be presented. Silence when there should be discussion to resolve an issue is another method of abuse if the silence is used as a tool to frustrate or sadden or other- wise intentionally manipulate the emotions of another. but did not know it. She knew only that she had been so happy when they year after year, met and that it seemed to her this feeling was bled out of her and she found that she now resembled her partner, whom she had once seen disturbed and was not silent in his mind, but roiling. When she finally left him she did so still loving him. She had been more financially stable so she had given him their home. He had admitted to her 20 ice on top and your abusive lentil Love lusions that 21 22 hand 23 nk a chane. Definition 472 viol Nat ing but never seen. ried a totally empty house would be dangerous. 25 26 that for the last couple of years, he had been occupied with planning his sui- cide. He told her he'd worked out all the details and would do it in a quaint West Coast town right on the Pacific that they had frequently spoken of visit- When she left him she left their beloved dog with him because she wor- 24 Their plan had been to share the dog but he wanted nothing more to do with her. And the regular updates and photographs he had sent when they first parted stopped now completely. Months passed and she heard nothing until he sent a brief email inform. ing her that the dog now had a potential serious health problem and that he would take care of it. She could not help but feel that he had taken a small measure of satisfac- 27 tion knowing how brutal the news would be to her ears and how helpless she would feel being able to do nothing, not even see this dog she had loved for so long. Emotional abuse is the process of breaking the spirit or shattering the 28 confidence of another for one's own purpose. Abusive people never change. There is no point of pursuing couples' ther- 29 apy when one member of the relationship is abusive. A therapist may tell you otherwise. But I'm telling you the not-for-profit truth. Abusers do not change. It will only get worse. The difference between physical violence like a slap on the face or a shove 31 and homicide can be as small as a few centimeters or the angle of approach. shed more tears in one year than the combined tears of all the girls in the Also , abusers are always very, very sorry. Men who abuse women probably audience of a Renée Zellweger movie opening weekend at the Paris Theatre in Manhattan. 30 wa 33 That's how sorry he is. Or so he says, with his tears. Of course, he's not sorry. She is. ur 34 in 35 36 rc perception that the abuser is always a man is false.... a! vo Unless the roles are reversed. And the abuser is a woman, not a man. Women can and do physically and emotionally abuse their partners. The 37 in loving ones: they've built a life together, they have children, financial People remain in abusive relationships for the same reasons they remain 38 But probably the number one reason is simply not knowing they're in one. victim: macho, powerful bully and a passive, frail woman and you don't recog- You think of domestic violence and you think of a character and a weak interests, habit, nothing better. Lots of reasons. nize that. So it can't be you. ai 39 а) Sc 40 to Burroughs / How to Identify Love by Knowing What It's Not 473 41 Skende It might help, then, for me to show you in clinical terms what domestic violence actually looks like on the printed page. This checklist is from the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Ask yourself, does your partner: luse she was g more tots it when the email informe n and that he are of satisfac . w helplessible had loved for Embarrass you with put-downs • Look at you or act in ways that scare you • Control what you do, who you see or talk to, or where you go Stop you from seeing your friends or family members • Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money, or refuse to give you money • Make all of the decisions • Tell you that you're a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children • Prevent you from working or attending school • Act like the abuse is no big deal, it's your fault, or even deny doing it • Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets • Intimidate you with guns, knives, or other weapons • Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you • Force you to try and drop charges • Threaten to commit suicide • Threaten to kill you shattering the couples'the st may tell you do not change face or a shore of armat 42 omen probabl the an 43 the girls 44 e Paris Theatre Think about the answers before you answer. Does he prevent you from working? No, he encourages you, that's terrific. Or does he? Does he maybe prevent you a little by getting drunk and then, say, being unable to find a certain pair of shoes so he turns the house upside down, creat- ing such a scene, a ME, ME, ME moment that you can't possibly work? Might he always , over and over, bring it all back to himself? Leaving no room or time for you to work on your crafts, aka possible future home business 45 aka threat to him? 46 221 222 ther Domestic violence is extremely difficult to detect when it is happening to you because domestic violence always only happens to other people, and you are too smart and sophisticated to ever, for one moment, be with somebody abusive. The thought is absurd. Domestic violence is a lower-class problem, something that afflicts only those whose homes are clad in aluminum siding. Besides, you would know if you were being abused. Except the truth is, some things are too terrible to know; too impossible painful to realize; too heartbreaking to face. 32 47 des 48 to see; too