How to Resist Our Age of
Resentment
Toxic feelings of inadequacy are on the rise, fueled
by social media, but there are ways to stay sane
BY PEGGY DREXLER
din have lent to social interaction also mean that
adulthood now often resembles a high-school
popularity contest. We broadcast our own social
IT'S THE RARE, hyper-evolved bird among lives and resent when we're excluded from the
us-a Buddhist bird, probably--who can wan social lives of others. As the current saying goes,
der the halls of social media without feeling "If it's not on Instagram, it didn't happen." And
the slightest twinge of resentment. There's if it is on Instagram--and you weren't there--it's
the couples' trip to Paris that you weren't in- hard not to feel the slight.
vited to (even though you introduced them We're also a society that's increasingly ob-
alld. The scholarship your child didn't win sessed with wealth, and perhaps especially when
(but he's so precocious!). The big promotion friends rise above our own station. This too
you didn't Innd...and that went to your less breeds resentment. Perhaps these are friends
talented colleague. Things that could have, who don't work as hard as you, or married into
should have been yours.
money they did not earn.
Resentment is a feeling of indignation in re- A 2005 paper in the Quarterly Journal of Eco-
action to a real or perceived slight,
nomics analyzed data collected by
a sense of insult or inadequacy
the National Survey of Families and
caused by the actions, comments
Upset by
Households, representing approxi-
or simple existence of someone or Instagram mately 10,000 people. The study
something else. It's the feeling
and
found that "relative income"-that
that you're not getting your fair
is, how much you feel that you earn
share, while someone else is get
Facebook? in comparison to others-is more
ting more than theirs.
Take a
important in determining self-es-
Resentment has its benefits. A
teem than what you actually earn,
2017 study published in the Journal
break. And those with compromised
of Experimental Psychology, with
self-esteem are more likely to feel
more than 2,300 subjects from
the effects of resentment. Whether
around the world, found that short-
it's through social media or real
term resentment may help to boost self-esteem, life-whether they are strangers or friends-see-
by allowing us to blame others for our problems. ing others who are well off, even if they don't
But the benefits are short-lived. Resentment flaunt it, can force those with less to confront
is, in fact, highly toxic. A 2011 clinical overview their own thoughts about money.
of the emotional and physiological effects of For the past 80 years, researchers at the Har
anger and resentment on the body, with con- vard Study of Adult Development have looked at
tributions from several authors, showed that how Americans report their own happiness. It is
chronic bitterness can slow metabolism, im- the longest study ever conducted on the topic.
mune system function and organ function, They have found that it's not money or fame,
Some psychologists even believe that, left un- nor possessions or looks, that lead to happiness
checked, resentment can turn into a condition but rather, strong relationships. Yet, when
known as "post-traumatic embitterment disor- asked, most people, especially young people,
der," which can manifest itself as anxiety, de- believe that money or
pression and fits of (The diagnosis re-
mains unofficial but has been discussed in the
for more than a decade.)
Demographic and technological trends ha-
ven't helped matters. According to a 2010
study published in the journal Social Psychol-
ogy and Personality Science, clinical narcissism
among college students-which is defined by
heightened feelings of entitlement, decreased
morality and fierce competitiveness—increased
by 30% from 1982 to 2006, when two out
ery three measured high for the disorder. That
age cohort is now social media's prime group
of users. They use the platforms to present a
curated life that quite often shows only the
most flattering bits, with the purpose of con-
veying, or implying, status and standing. You're
quite literally meant to resent their success, or
JOURNAL
their beauty, or their luck.
In a TED talk, Robert Waldinger, the cur
rent director of the study, reported that 801
percent of millennials say that their life goal
is to be rich. Fifty percent say that one of
their goals is to be famous. Most, of course,
will achieve neither. So is it any wonder that
resentment is on the rise?
The resurgence of resentment has something
to do, I suspect, with a very positive social de
velopment: female empowerment. As women
become more diverse in their achievements, in
come levels and desires, there is more opportu
nity for them to wonder if they could be or
have more-and to ask why they have fallet
short. There's more opportunity for women to
resent those in their lives--men, other women
or their own children whom they may see as
holding them back Show me a professional
woman who doesn't feel resentful about coming
home to a pile of dirty laundry, a hungry child.
and a husband playing Xbox, and I'll show you
a magical unicorn.
We're also kidding ourselves if we don't cop
to the resentment that working women can feel
for stay-at-home moms, and vice versa. This
might emerge in the context of money, and the
material display of it: Does she have more than
I do and where did she get it? Has she earned
it? If not, where did she get it? Or it might
emerge in the context of parenting: Does she
think she's a better mother because she stays
home? Does she think she's a better mother be-
cause she works?
The good news is that the fix for resentment
lies entirely within yourself. It consists of learn-
ing to push resentment down-remembering
that happiness
found in what you have and
not what you don't. At the very least, it means
accepting that what you see of others' lives isn't
always the entire story. It requires us to ac-
knowledge that others can't control our happi
ness or how we choose to live our lives, just as
we can't control how they choose to live theirs.
But we can control what we allow our
selves to see. If you find that Facebook or In-
stagram is making you upset, give yourself a
break. If you can't visit with friends without
cringing inside over their good fortune, that's
a shame--but, again, give yourself a break.
It's hardly human nature to feel happy with
what we have. In one sense, that's a positive
quality--it's what keeps us
moving forward.
But if your "wanting
more" keeps coming
back to the vacation or
dress or career or life
that you don't have,
turn your fixation
into action. Com-
plain less; do more.
Refocus the desires
Reframe the perspective.
As the Harvard researchers con
cluded, the road to happiness is simple, if ob-
vious: Happiness comes from choosing to be
happy. Living without resentment is not al-
ways easy to achieve, but the power to resist
its temptations is entirely in your own hands.
wall
Street
Dr. Drexler is a New York City-based research
psychologist and author of two books about
gender and families. She is currently at work
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