After carefully listing and elaborating on the five languages of emotional love, the author enlightens the reader on the methods employed in discovering their primary love language. This is particularly important for two reasons – not only will they understand their own language better, but also learn their spouses preferred way of communicating love. Chapman states that some people have an easy time finding out their love language and that of their spouse while others have a hard time locating it.

Chapman gives the story of Bob who claims that physical touch through sex as well as receiving words of affirmation are his primary love languages. However, Chapman argues that most men make the grave mistake of assuming that because they crave sex, that must mean that that physical touch forms their primary emotional language. The author elaborates that with a male’s biology being as it is, there is a heightened desire for sexual contact. Conversely a female’s sexual feelings originate from her emotions. According to Chapman, if a woman’s emotional needs are being met, by being appreciated, loved and cared for by her husband, then she will feel the need to be physically intimate with her husband.

The author helps the reader to identify their primary love language by asking questions regarding the things that they find the most important and their desire. If the answers are straightforward, then they should know their primary love language easily. But, if the answers are not illuminating, then Chapman suggests considering the things that hurt them. For instance, if the words spoken by your spouse cut you deeply, then your primary love language is words of affirmation.